Celebrity Apprentice: There’s a Wang in My Bed

After all of last week’s Godfather IV ridiculousness, this week’s Celebrity Apprentice couldn’t really be anything but…well, let’s face it, equally ridiculous. Who am I trying to kid? This show is so beyond a caricature of itself. At least we got George Ross back this week! Oh, the countless weeks and years I’ve spent lamenting the loss of his crotchety cantakerousness and ceaseless hunger for stale cookies. I’ve missed you so, George! Welcome home!
We begin this week with Ahmarosa and Piers battling it out in the suite. Not much comes of this, except for Ahmarosa dumping a glass of champagne over Piers head. Oh, and Piers claiming that she is known around America as a “disgusting little wastrel”. Now, I am an American, and I have never heard her referred to as such, but that doesn’t stop it from being Totally Awesome. Let’s spread it around. Tell your friends!

Meanwhile, Stephen Baldwin is standing around outside the suite like he’s part of some sort of Orphan Hobo Sidewalk Clearance.

Baldwin For Sale

He tells Piers that he can’t work with him anymore, which as we all know is pretty ridiculous because Stephen was prancing around like his little imp during their Corporate Espionage Genius-a-Thon last week. But he decides to speak with Trump about it anyway, while Annette the secretary attempts to operate a phone.

“There’s something wrong with this calculator.”

Stephen bursts into the boardroom and tells Trump that he can’t work with Piers and that he wants to resign. Trump tells him not to be a such a loser. Oh, The Donald. You may as well tell Doritos to stop being so delicious. It’s just not going to happen. Trump, ever the wise Solomon, suggests that Stephen go and work for Empresario instead. Stephen accepts. Well. That should crank Empresario’s Pussy Factor up to eleven, shan’t it?

Stephen goes back to the suite all important-like, sighing with great melodrama that he just got out of a meeting with Mr. Trump. Oh, please. He called you a loser and then gave you to the women. It took no longer than two minutes. Get over yourself. The women are not pleased about this, so Stephen tells them that if all they want him to do is make coffee, he’d be happy to do so. This prompts Piers and Lennox to tell him that he is in fact from Jupiter, because he just got more stupider. And as it turns out, Stephen’s not even going to be around for most of the task anyway, because he has a previous engagement, speaking at a church or chapel or Heaven or something.

The next day, Trump informs everyone of his decision. Ahmarosa tells him that the ladies respectfully decline the offer. The Donald blares “I’M THE BOSS” and says that his decision stands. The great and powerful Trump has spoken! Ahmarosa looks peeved, but maybe that’s because her newest clown outfit hasn’t gotten any compliments today.

ClownChicâ„¢

Trump introduces his sidekicks, DonJr and…George!!! The guy looks great. Must be all of those healthy cookies. He then introduces fashion designer Vera Wang, who even I recognize (thank you Project Runway). To her left, equally recognizable, is Bob Sherman, president of Serta (thank you, Project Bed). So the task this week is to create a living window to promote the new mattresses that Vera has designed for Serta. Okay, I call shenanigans. Mattresses are just giant squishy boxes. A two-year-old could be a mattress designer. You don’t see Tim Gunn running around squealing “What sort of edgy, innovative designs might the 2008 mattress names come out with this year?? I bet they’re ergonomically-correct and FABULOUS!!”

I’m a designer!

Ahmarosa declares herself the project manager and immediately makes the decision to go with a wedding theme, since that is what Vera is known for. Real out-of-the-box there, kiddo. What next? Are you going to also suggest that mattresses can be used for resting, or even, God help us, sleeping??

Meanwhile, the guys are lamenting the fact that none of them know anything about design or weddings or those rectangular things that we spend eight hours a night on. Oh, but I just can’t stay mad at them. Look at this face!

Trace, you’re adorable. I would like to award you a puppy.

The men meet with Vera, who tells them that her brand has become known for much more than just bridal. She’s says it’s big on romance, then shares that she spends most of her spare time in bed. You heard it here first, folks: Vera Wang = slut. Trace the Slogan Factory comes up with yet another winner, “The world’s greatest romance deserves the world’s greatest mattress,” with Cleopatra and Marc Antony as the headlining couple. Great. That sure will capture that elusive Ancient Egypt fan base demographic.

In Vera’s meeting with the women, she tells them that bridal themes are great and so is lingerie. What happened to wanting more than just wedding stuff? Looks like Vera’s slutty with ideas, too.

Lennox, who has decided to rule his team with an iron fist, declares that if anyone wants to say anything, they have to raise their hand and ask for permission to speak. Ah, brings me back to my elementary Catholic school days, with the desks and the chalkboard and the gigantic dreadlocked ex-wrestler teachers. Nuns were tough back then. Lennox wants to make every decision based on a vote, so in an intricate series of votes whose complexities are rivaled only by those of the presidential primary elections, it is decided that there will be a television included in their scene, and Obama will play Cleopatra.

Lennox and Piers squabble for what feels like forever, until Lennox decides that it’s time to just start ignoring Piers by demanding that he “talk to the hand”. A fine move, Mr. Lewis. I complement you on your firm grasp of mid-nineties catchphrases. You go, girl!

You’re all that AND a bag of chips!

Marilu tries to plan the scene for the ladies, but Ahmarosa is too put off by her manic creative energy to deal with it right now, so she benches her. She turns instead to Nely, who says a bunch of things that I don’t care about because I’m too busy envisioning her along Kermit in some sort of Great Caper. Meanwhile, Piers congratulates himself on deciphering Lennox’s little game, which is that if he doesn’t actually contribute anything to the task, he won’t be held responsible for anything and can’t be blamed for the loss. Nice job, Sherlock. Lennox gets a little pissed, and you just know he’s chomping at the bit to let loose with a “Don’t go there!”

Instead, he farts. Loudly. No, really.

As the guys open some windows and begin to argue the finer points of “he who denied it, supplied it,” the ladies welcome the newest member of their team, Stephen. Nely explains their concept to him, but he doesn’t really like it and tries to get them to change the entire thing. Stephen defends himself by uttering the most disgusting phrase I’ve ever heard: “I’m just trying to take what you’ve done and pepper it with a little Stevey B!” Please, Mr. Baldwin. Keep Stevey B where he belongs or we will call the authorities.

Quick note: Over the years, we Apprentice fans have gotten our fair share of establishing shots, and we have come to know and love them all. Crowded crosswalks, sunrises over the New York skyline, and billions upon billions of steaming manhole covers. But I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen one of these:

Undead jester popping out of a trunk? Is that what I’m looking at here?

Tito and Lennox dodge the legions of zombie jokers to pick up all of the necessary items to recreate the bedroom of Cleopatra and Marc Antony, including fruit, candles, and flowers. Don’t forget famine and the plague! George shows up and says that it doesn’t look like they’re missing anything, except for cookies. George demands his cookies!

Anyway, it’s time for the show. There’s no business like Living Window Display Business! It’s the ladies’ turn first, as signified by the shrillest version of Canon in D I’ve ever heard. I had previously thought there was no way to ruin that song. I was wrong. The presentation begins, and it is vomit-inducing. Especially with Marilu’s manic commentary: “A flurry of activity, throw those petals into the air, WOOOO, here’s my best friend she just got married!” etc. Carol comes into the bedroom setting in a wedding gown, with Stevey B as her dashing groom. Ahmarosa is positive that they’re going to win, so that she can TKO Lennox Lewis, as she obnoxiously shouts.

Let’s break down what’s happening here. Ahmarosa presents her cleavage to a giant sheep humping a box, while Stevey B continues to be inappropriate and Cryptkeeper Carol contemplates a restraining order.

Vera is positively floored, saying that it’s beautiful and she is in AWE. Wow. Awe. From Vera Wang. That must mean something, right?

Turns out, no. Vera Wang is apparently in awe of anything that moves. She shows up at the guys’ presentation and immediately declares it as “FAN-TAS-TIC!!” It’s Antony and Cleopatra lounging around a bed and being fed grapes and champagne by a scantily-clad woman while they check their email and watch their plasma screen television. Because if we have learned nothing else from the ancient Egyptians, it’s that high definition is a must. Vera continues to go apeshit over the everything, praising it as incredible and beautiful and unexpected. She then turns around and gasps at a trash can, also praising it as incredible and beautiful and unexpected.

“Look, a FIRE hydrant! Oh my God, a PIGEON!!”

Boardroom time. Trump does a little summary of the days’ events that isn’t really worth mentioning except for the part where Piers says that the four ugly blokes took on a bunch of glamorous women, and Ahmarosa. Haha. Take THAT, heinous clown! Even George is amused.

“Yep, that’s one ugly broad!”

The other fun part is when Piers mentions that when the Hydra met with Vera, she made it very clear that she wanted to move away from bridal and more towards romance, which prompts Ahmarosa to look as if someone stole her most beloved spinning bowtie. DonJr says that while the women’s theme was safe and traditional, they executed it well. George, on the other hand, thought the Cleopatra thing was extremely creative, and he just loved it. Well, duh. It involved snacks.

This is a tough call. I thought the Cleopatra idea was pretty dumb when I first heard it, but they did a decent job with it. But the women did pretty well too. And Vera’s reactions certainly weren’t any indication, as she would have given a rave review to an empty window featuring a dying potted plant. But in the end, with the input of Serta Mattress Mogul and Decision Tyrant Bob Sherman, Hydra is declared the winner. Lennox gets $20,000 for his charity, the Muhammad Ali Center, and Piers gives his condolences to Ahmarosa with a snippy “Better luck next time.” Haha. He’s such a jerk. Yet as long as it’s all directed at Ahmarosa, I will continue to approve of him.

After the men leave, Trump chastises the ladies for not being creative enough, since Vera Wang is known for bridal gowns and that’s exactly what they used. It comes out that the wedding idea was Ahmarosa’s, though in my opinion not quickly enough. But who cares, it’s time for some Old Man Rambling, courtesy of one George Ross. In addition to it not being imaginative, he says, it also wasn’t entertaining. The guys put a gladiator in a bed, and that, in George’s horny opinion, is going to make him stop and ask what the hell is happening in that store window.

After asking Stevey B what he should do (answer: “Base it on a task-by-task…basis.”), Trump declares that the past will always play a role in his decision. This is rather out of the blue, so I can only assume that it’s going to come into play by the end of the hour. Ahmarosa says that she’s automatically going to bring Stevey B back in, because he wasn’t there for most of the task. Oh, Ahmarosa. You idiot. Have you ever even SEEN this show?

DonJr yells at her for me, saying that there’s no reason to bring Stevey B in because he wasn’t around to influence anything that they did, and didn’t contribute to the loss in any way. Well, this just gives Ahmarosa the vapors. She pleads with Trump to let the entire team stay, since they all worked hard and they want to stand united. “NO!” blares George. “THAT’S NOT THE WAY IT’S DONE!!” Whoa. Who defribrilated Old Man Ross?

“Get off my lawn, you rotten kids!”

Ahmarosa melodramatically says that she needs a moment to think. Enough with the theatrics, Bozo. What’s next, the squirting flower gag? Eventually she decides on Marilu and Nely. Once they all come back in, she explains that she chose Marilu because she doesn’t listen and it was hard to communicate with her during this task. But George points out that Nely has experience with these types of things (living window mattress presentations?) and she should have been able to steer the project creatively and fix the problems that they got themselves into. Trump agrees, and adds that he has a bit of a problem with her because she really should have been fired in one of those other couple times when her ass was on the line.

I’m just waiting for Nely to shout “I’M A STAR” at this point, but instead she defends herself by saying that whenever she failed, she took responsibility for it. Trump snaps that she got lucky. She snaps back that Gene didn’t bring her in because he thought she was excellent, not because she was lucky, and that Trump has brought that up a number of times and she doesn’t understand why HE DOESN’T JUST GET OVER IT. Well. Now you’ve made it awkward. You’ve made it awkward for all of us.

Trump blares that you have to look at the past (see above) and then just fires her without hesitation. Haha. By this point it’s pretty obvious that The Donald really didn’t like The Nely. And with that, her shining STAR explodes into a red giant, then finally fades into a white dwarf (thank you, Bill Nye).

Farewell, dear Muppet. Good luck with those plans to Take Manhattan.

As the women leave, Trump yells at Ahmarosa, telling her that she also sucks and she better step it up. But once they’re all gone, a weird thing happens. In lieu of Trump affirming with his minions that he made the right decision, they all just sit around in an odd silence. Trump nods. George looks over at him. DonJr swallows. It’s awkward.

“SO…LENNOX FARTED, HUH?”

And there we have it. In my opinion, Nely shouldn’t have been fired for this one. She definitely should have been fired before this, and if she had stayed she wouldn’t have been around for much longer either, but the loss was so clearly Ahmarosa’s fault that she really should have been the one to go. But Ahmarosa is good television, and her caged death match with Piers has yet to occur, so she’ll stick around for a little while more.

What did we all think? Who would you rather see in your bed, Vera Wang or a Gladiator Wang?