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Happy Valentine’s Day, kids. Sorry it’s a little late, but I was out of town, fighting a fire monster. Over the Himalayas. In defense of love. Or something. Either way, there’s a big basket of chocolates waiting for you when you get home this evening, darling, I swear!
Anyway, at the end of this week’s Celebrity Apprentice I had two thoughts: 1) What the hell just happened and 2) This recap is going to be about two pages long. When you get an entire episode full of yelling the exact same insults over and over, there’s not much to say except that Ahmarosa is crazier than a shithouse rat.
Up in the suite, Hydra is trashtalking Ahmarosa and gloating about their win. Lennox: “Guys, let’s not gloat.” Piers: “Let’s gloat!”
Ahmarosa returns and starts talking in a strange old-timey villain voice. I’m really hoping she’ll don a cape and a big mustache, but sadly all we’re probably going to get is another broken hat. Piers talks at length about how he will never in a million years go over to the other team. Cue Annette the secretary to make the call that will do just that.
The teams shuffle back into the boardroom, where The Donald shuffles the teams. The new Empresario is Trace, Marilu, Stephen, and Tito, while the new Hydra is Carol, Lennox, and…dun dun DUN! Piers and Ahmarosa. Piers goes all white in the face and looks just about ready to have a prissy British faint, but Ahmarosa starts right in on the ribbing and Trump looks pleased with himself for causing such turmoil.
Trump blares that their next challenge is to run horse-and-carriage businesses in Central Park, and whoever makes the most money wins. Trace heads up Empresario, because he’s the only one who hasn’t project managed yet, and it’s a horse challenge! Horse + Cowboy = Fiscal Success! They all start in on what they do best, barking into phones at their rich friends.
Piers wants to be project manager because he hasn’t raised any money for his charity yet. The team agrees, and in order to neutralize the hate-spewing dragon that is Ahmarosa, Piers calls a truce. He also tells the team that if they lose, he will base his decision of who to bring into the boardroom on whoever raised the least amount of money. Which, I have to hand it to the guy, is an ingenious little plan to get Ahmarosa fired, since she has just about as many famous contacts as I do (two = Brad Pitt and Gandhi). So they all get to work like busy little beavers, if beavers had cell phones and famous contacts.
In the car ride the next morning, Ahmarosa hands out some documents that she typed up (was there really a need to bring pen and paper into this task?) wherein she spelled Piers’ name wrong. A tussle follows, and ends in Ahmarosa crumpling up the paper, throwing it in Piers’ face, and swearing like a sailor. To be fair, she’s quite possibly just upset because another one of her hats broke.
In an interview, Ahmarosa outlines her strategy: to go for all of Piers’ weak spots, and exploit them. Back in the van, this roughly translates to the woman screaming and swearing for a solid half hour, with gems such as “The mother of your children hate you! And your children hate you!” (and your children’s children!) plus the ever popular “I DO WHAT I WANT!” If you squint real hard, Jerry Springer can be seen in the background hanging onto the rear bumper of the van. They eventually arrive at Central Park, where Lennox Lewis amusingly gets out of the car and says that was the worst fight he’d ever seen.
Empresario, meanwhile, is working like clock…work. They’re all smiles and flowers and champagne, and Trace notes that no one works the streets better than his team. Okay Trace, way to make them sound like prostitutes, but whatever.
Piers and Ahmarosa start in on it again, accompanied by a boxing bell sound effect. Haha, nice work, editors. I tip my UNbroken hat to you. Piers attempts to yell over her that she is fired, but there’s no way anything’s getting past that wall of Crazy. More gems: “YOU back the fuck up!” and “I ain’t going nowhere, SON!” Then she starts following him around and chanting that old schoolyard favorite: “Manage, PM! Manage, PM!” Oh, the repressed horrors of that one. I still remember cowering in the corner near the jungle gym, angry fifth graders demanding to see my profit margins.
Over at Empresario, Stevey B is talking to grown adults as if they were children, creepily asking in a slow, kindergarten teacher voice: “Do YOU want a carriage ride??” But there’s no time for pedophilia now, because BILLY BALDWIN is here! That’s right, Billy! Baldwin! You know, the famous Baldwin brother! Star of…um…well…his last name is Baldwin! Billy even manages to out-creep his brother, walking around and generally making a really terrifying face at random strangers.
Stevey B explains that it was necessary to break out a second Baldwin brother in order to get those romantic carriage rides they’re aiming for. Hey, when is it going to be time to break out Danny Baldwin? Perhaps for a task that involves scaring children out of prison? (Note: I met Danny Baldwin once, at a mall, when I was ten. My mom shoved a pen and paper into my hand and told me to get an autograph because he was famous. He smelled like vodka and I think snuck a glance up my skirt.)
Hydra, meanwhile, is only giving carriage rides to rich people. A bunch of Piers’ contacts show up and donate boatloads of money, and I think I even catch a glimpse of Steven Weber in there. Taking time out from his busy sitting-around-drinking schedule, I see. Piers explains that they need to keep the carriages around in case the big donors come, so they can’t just be giving out rides to any Joe Twelve-Pack or Sally Whatnot who comes along. Ahmarosa, still hellbent on her shitty form of sabotage, weakly hawks the carriage rides to passersby, despite Piers’ instructions. When he confronts her about it, she gives the only logical reply: “Your children are so embarrassed of you.” I like to think that Ahmarosa is incapable of giving a straight answer. “Hey Ahmarosa, what’s 2 + 2?” “No, YOU have an ugly face!”
It’s George! Hi, George! Empresario lures Old Man Ross over to their area. With snacks, no doubt. He’s very impressed by their operation and says that they could be very successful. Thanks, George! Don’t get lost on the way back to the office!
Oh, and Jenna Jameson shows up to plunk down a thousand dollars and take a ride around the park with her boy Tito. She informs him that it’s nice that this whole thing is for charity and all, but it’s more important to win. “Because I like to dominate,” she coos. Then she asks what park they’re in.
Ivanka arrives to witness the trainwreck that is Hydra. Piers simply explains that Ahmarosa is a disgusting piece of trash and that he is refusing to work with her. Also, and this is a fair point, she has not raised a dime, whereas the other three are bringing in contacts all over the place. Ivanka seems to be quite amused by the whole thing, but possibly because Piers says he wants to strangle Ahmarosa slowly and pour sulfuric acid all over her. Who doesn’t?? That should be next week’s task. They could raise a shitload of money selling opportunities to maim Ahmarosa.
Trace greets his fellow country singer buddy John Rich. Now, I don’t know country at ALL, but this guy just comes off as a giant doucebag. He pulls out a wad of cash, explaining that it was left over from last night (drug deal? hooker escapade?) and they don’t call him John RICH for nothing. Get it? Because he’s loaded? HA! What a clever use of homonym!
Piers and Ahmarosa fight some more. He argues that she hasn’t raised any money, to which she naturally replies “Is another man raising your children?” Ah, the classic stepfather response. Check and mate! The rest of the team, actually doing their jobs, frantically make last minute calls and beg for their contacts to get there in time. Piers has one coming in that’s worth $5,000. Will they make it? We’re left hanging! The suspense is bearable!
Okay, enough of this nonsense. Boardroom time. Ahmarosa has a smug little look on her face, as if she’s the one coming out on top here. Piers, meanwhile, looks quite nauseated. This is a good strategy on his part. Ahmarosa sneers, in a proud way for some reason, that Piers fired her five minutes into the task. Piers calmly explains the Typo Incident while Ahmarosa laughs theatrically. Does she have any idea how much she’s NOT helping her case? She’s just coming off as the idiotic bitch that she is.
And now for a little comedy. Lennox pipes up to say that he’s been in the ring with Mike Tyson, and this is the worst fight he’s ever seen. Thanks Lennox! Piers takes that as his cue to repeat all of the profanity-ridden insults about his family that Ahmarosa has been spewing all day, and everyone looks pretty disgusted. Piers, after touching his tie for the millionth time, correctly points out that no one on a show for charity should be saying these things, and that trashing his family like that is taking it too far. The Donald seems to agree. Ahmarosa still looks damn proud of herself. They fight a little while longer, and Piers continues his Rodney Dangerfield impression.
The Donald, who seems to be sympathizing with Piers, tells him not to lose his cool. Piers says that the children thing touched a nerve and he’s never encountered this sort of thing before. Trump says that he hopes their team loses, because it would solve a lot of problems. Ooh, he’s itching to fire Ahmarosa. This is gonna be great! On the other side, Trace drawls that it was the nicest day he’s had while on this show, a bunch of his friends shows up to donate, and the entire team did a fantastic job. Okay, the scene is set. Give us the results!
George tells Empresario their total, somewhere around $29,000. Ivanka, with a pouty look on her face, says that she almost hates to say this but Hydra made $35,000. DAMN. Empresario looks crushed, while Ahmarosa nods triumphantly. Yeah nice work there, hon. Way to count the money that everyone else on your team raised. Piers gets the combined money raised for his charity, the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund, and Trump declares that Ahmarosa will switch to the other team next time. As Hydra leaves the room, Lennox says that it seems like a hollow victory, which Trump agrees with. “SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THAT,” he blares. Okay, no one’s getting fired. I can already tell.
Back up in the suite, Lennox tries to celebrate but Piers just isn’t feeling it. Ahmarosa, on the other hand, continues to smirk and mug at the camera and I FINALLY realize who it is that she reminds me of!
Back in the boardroom, Trump tries to ascertain an inkling of whom he could possibly fire. Trace, ever the gentleman, doesn’t blame anyone. He once again compliments his team on their prostitution abilities and how well they worked the streets, but won’t say that anyone did a bad job, because they were all stars today. Trump asks the rest of the team, but they won’t either. After a fair amount of yammering and declarations that this is the toughest decision EVER MADE, Trump finally asks if anyone would like to resign. Haha. Oh, The Donald. After all these years we’ve shared together, you can still make me laugh a hearty chortle.
He goes down the line and everyone says that they’d like to stay. Trace, who I really love by now and hope that he wins, says that if he were here on his own, he might. But he’s here on behalf of his charity so he has to stay for them. GOD, he’s adorable.
Trump yells some more about how hard this is and how he wishes they had just WON. The NERVE of these people! Finally, he says that since they embodied the idea of charity, he will be charitable too and fire NO ONE. Oh, Trumpy. No one breaks the rules of his own game like you can, sir.
He says that this is the first time he’s ever done this, and, after reminding us once again that this has been the hardest dilemma ever to face humankind, tells Marilu that she will be switching teams with Ahmarosa. She looks stunned. Ha.
And now for my FAVORITE moment of the season, and maybe one of the best Apprentice moments ever. The camera does that classic panning over the Trump Tower entranceway, but there’s no one coming out of it! You win, editors!!
And it gets better – the limo driver just stands out next to the car, alone, waiting for no one. He just stands around and looks confused for a little while. It’s great.
Well. This was a ridiculous episode. I hate Ahmarosa more than ever now, and while Piers has certainly had his fair share of snooty bastard moments, I was definitely siding with him on this one. Ahmarosa turned into such a bratty teenager, I was reaching for the ole’ sulfuric acid myself. Couldn’t Ivanka have fudged the books a little? I thought the producers had a say in the outcome of these reality shows. Aren’t they all rigged anyway? Mark Burnett must have been too busy trying to make any one of the Fans over on Survivor even mildly likable. A tough job, to be sure. Anyway, what did you all think? How much would YOU pay to beat Ahmarosa with a pillowcase full of angry hornets?