Celebrity Apprentice: Cleanliness Is Next To Smuttiness

Yesterday I saw a woman fall down a flight of stairs and face plant into the floor. It was hilarious. After recovering from my internal fits of laughter, I went over to help her up and she was fine, if not a little bruised, disoriented, and humiliated. I sympathized readily, as I myself had just finished watched another episode of Celebrity Apprentice.

Hey-o!

Anyone?
Stevey B picks up the phone, calls his mother, and asks if she knows who he is. A valid concern. If I were Stevey B’s mother I’d try and remove him from my memory as often as possible. He tells her in an extreeeemely slow fashion, as if she were deaf or possibly retarded, that he won her some more money. She squeals in delight. Also, he keeps calling her honey, which is either really odd or really gay. My money’s on both.

The teams meet Trump the next morning in the lobby of Hearst Tower, the wackiest-looking building in New York. Their task this week is to create a four-page ad in Redbook for Dial Soap Yogurt Body Wash, or something like that. I become a little distracted because yay a body wash challenge! The last one in season 3 was met with such disastrous results, I’m quivering with excitement. Or could just be mild amusement. Yeah, that’s probably it. To quote myself: “Ha. Body wash.”

CavewomanChicâ„¢

Anyway, Ahmarosa immediately pipes up to her team to inform them that she’d like to be PM. Trump then tells the teams that the PM has a pretty good chance of being fired. Suddenly, the PM position is back up for grabs! Ahmarosa, the sniveling little assclown, immediately tries to pass it back off to someone else, and Tito takes the bait. All of this conniving, meanwhile, is taking place while The Donald is still bellowing in the background, which I find quite amusing.

“SECRETS SECRETS ARE NO FUN.”

Hydra meets with the execs, who I must imagine are quite clean at all times. The Redbook lady starts right in on the fancy corporate jargon, telling them that their advertorial needs to be appropriate to Redbook’s demographic. Got it. So the ad should feature cougars and tubs full of ice cream and regret. Piers more or less asks them if they’re allowed to be dirty, since the readers of Redbook are apparently a horny bunch. Dial gives it the go-ahead, as long as it’s not tasteless. So all aboard the smutty train!

“We’re clean!”

In Empresario’s meeting, however, the execs give off a much more homey feel, saying that Dial is about family and Redbook is all about Trace Adkins. She says that they have a huge readership from the middle of the country, and that they often put country singers on the cover of the magazine. Whatever, REDbook lady. We all know you’re just covering up for your FILTHY COMMIE PROPAGANDA.

As Hydra gets into the studio, Piers points out that Carol should be the model, since she’s in the right demographic and she would give them a big advantage. Carol is reluctant, since this strategy didn’t work out too well for Marilu last week and Trump said that there’s a strong change the PM would get fired over this. Unless she slips a little nip.

Empresario decides to go with a country theme for their ad, which will also feature Trace. Ahmarosa isn’t completely on board but she goes along with the guys since they seem to keep coming up with the right ideas. Also, she pronounces Tito’s name as Tito Ortez, which in the grand tradition of mispronouncing everyone’s name this season leads me to conclude that none of the contestants on this show were ever really formally introduced.

We then get a massive cockstroking opus from Stevey B on how uniquely he is able to see what the camera sees, and how all of his friends tell him he’s so talented he could run a studio. “Into the ground” is what he’s leaving out. They get a bunch of shots of Trace playing guitar for a girl in a bath, which to me just seems a little creepy. I wouldn’t want to settle into my nice backyard bathtub only to find a musical stranger lording over me and delivering serenades that I did not request.

“Um…security?”

The Hydra Intern Squad, meanwhile, is hard at work:

Piers has managed to convince Carol to be the model in the ad, so she gets to work, running the shoot and giving instructions to the crew. My favorite is when she’s talking to the makeup people and telling them that she wants a lot of softness in the face, then the scene cuts to a shot of a crew member pushing a roller through a paint tray. Nice work, editors. Should have also added someone yelling “We’ll need a couple gallons of spackle as well!”

Ahmarosa comes up with the idea of putting Trace in a shot with a couple other male models, all of them with their shirts off, since this is a magazine catering to horny older women. She explains that women want sexy fantasies. And she’s right. I can’t tell you how many steamy Dial soap advertorials are covering my ceiling.

Trace is hilarious though, insisting that he has the “tan of a vampire” and resembles “a cadaver”. Haha. I’d like Trace to live in my house and just pop up to say things like that whenever I demand him to. Ahmarosa starts hooting and melodramatically fanning herself, which only leads me to the conclusion that not only is she a shameless drama queen, but she probably also hasn’t gotten laid in what must be years. Who would bed that fucktard? Ivanka shows up to ogle Trace as well, and says that the pictures are beautiful but it’ll be interesting to see what the Dial execs think. Because if there’s one thing that corporate health product heads want to see, it’s long-haired, vampiric musicians hawking their sensual yogurt body wash.

Also, am I the only one who envisioned an ad featuring someone taking a bath in a tub full of yogurt sprinkled with some granola? Or maybe some oatmeal? Perhaps with Wilford Brimley in the background muttering something about diabetes?

Piers snidely mocks Lennox some more while Carol fondles a plastic baby. Just another day at the office! Then it’s time to shoot the bedroom scenes with Carol and the male model. Things get pretty steamy and, as soon as another male model inexplicably shows up into the scene, a little gay. Compounding the awkwardness is the ever-present George, who stoutly refuses to leave.

“Back in my day, we did it through a hole in the wall.”

Back over at Empresario, Ahmarosa argues that they need to put the shirtless Trace shot into the ad, as that’s what the demographic wants to see. Tito tends to agree with Ahmarosa, but Stevey B is adamant about not including the Trace pics, because he apparently thinks that middle-aged women would rather look at younger girls with perky breasts. Better get back on the horn with mom and see what she thinks, Stevey B. (After clearly identifying yourself, of course.)

“Yeah, I always keep a bottle of Dial Yogurt body wash in my back pocket. It’s what I do.”

Piers presents Hydra’s advertorial to Trump and the execs. He makes a big deal out of Carol being the model, then shows the rest of the ad, which features yogurt facts (Yogurt Fact #54: Is the keeper of the Schwartz and sworn enemy of Dark Helmet) and, naturally, a bouquet of flowers sprigging forth from Carol’s vagina!

It’s called grooming, Carol. Try it sometime.

Oh, but we’re not done yet. The last page in the ad features Carol being bitten by a randy suitor. “IS HE BITING HER?” blares Trump. The execs look a little miffed, while The Donald looks rather intrigued, perhaps out of a desire to try this move out on Milania.

“I USUALLY PREFER TO JUST CUDDLE.”

Empresario’s turn. Ahmarosa gives a smooth presentation, which isn’t surprising, as her entire life is a presentation and seems to be always scripted. But then Tito takes over and the trainwreck begins. His presentation is AWFUL. He forgets the term “body wash”, stutters and stumbles over his words, forgets the English language, and manages to utter the following, which I hesitate to call a sentence: “We used Trace because the demographics which we did have were from ladies ranging from the age of twenty…er…thirty to fifty-nine which most country folk ladies that would love Trace’s kind of to push the product exactly.” Well said, Tito. You’re sure to win task reward money to the charity success exactly.

“…Some people out there in our nation don’t have yogurt body wash, and I believe that our hygiene education like such as in South Africa, and the Iraq, everywhere like such as…”

And as it turns out, Empresario decided not to go with the sexy shots of Trace the naked vampire. Stevey B explains to the execs that they wanted to go with wholesome, while Ahmarosa says in interview that she thinks it was a big mistake not to include the shots. Tito hobbles to the finish line, lamely ending with “The body wash that you’re been dreaming of. Dial.” Haha. Ahmarosa, attempting to save this sinking ship, adds, “It’s the natural choice.” Tito, now just setting said ship on fire, also adds, “It IS the natural choice.” So awkward. I love it.

Trump talks it over with the execs. They loved Hydra’s ad and thought that it hit all the right points, except for the last shot, which they all found a little too risqué and unnecessary. Empresario’s ad, on the other hand, was beautifully shot but didn’t have a common message and was a little too dry. Literally. Trump asks them to make a decision, and they all look as if they’d rather jump right out the window than actually put their products’ names on either of these things.

“I’m tendering my resignation.”

Into the boardroom, you crazy kids! Trump points out to Tito that he’s more confident ripping some poor schmuck’s head off in the ring than he is talking to a bunch of sparkling clean executives about body wash. And then he scolds Carol for being the PM and the model, which she counters with “I’d rather be fired by standing up to a challenge instead of running away from one.” To which The Donald responds, “THAT’S A GOOD LINE OF CRAP.” HaHA! Now that’s the painfully blunt Donald we know and love! Where the hell have you been, dog?

“I’M JUST KEEPING IT REAL.”

He then goes on to ask about the biting picture and whether or not the team felt it was really appropriate. Carol, who I must say has been holding her own quite well these past few weeks, confidently says that it pushed the envelope a little but they liked the way it came out. Trump then demands that each team see the other team’s campaign, which signals the beginning of some awesome boardroom cross-table paper-sliding action. In fact, let’s go to the aerial cam for this one.

Ivanka fakes left, then shoots right before George has a chance to recover! En fuego!

Trump asks Piers if he thought it was a good idea for Empresario to use Trace, then asks if it might have been better to use Ahmarosa. Oh, The Donald. You are SO baiting these two. But Piers has a great zinger all cued up. Ready? Are you ready for it? “Only in a graveyard scene,” he simpers. Hey-o! I’m reminded of good ole George Costanza and his classic “Well, the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!”

Oh, but the circus isn’t over yet. Piers says that Empresario’s ad really has no story, as opposed to the masterful opus that his own team composed. Expect a win for Best Achievement in Advertorial Writing at next year’s Oscars, folks. Stevey B tells him to read the ad, but Piers says it’s too small to read. Stevey B then says, in the worst British accent I’ve ever heard, “Where’s your specs?” And then he repeats it SIX MORE TIMES. I COUNTED. See, Stevey B, this is why NO ONE LIKES YOU.

And why did you steal your wardrobe from a passing vagrant?

Enough of this foolishness. On to another kind of foolishness. The winner is Hydra, as both Redbook and Dial Soap believes that playful biting = healthy skin. After they leave, Trump brings up the fact that maybe Ahmarosa should have PM’d this one, due to the fact that she possesses both marketing experience and a vagina (in theory). To which Tito explains that she did volunteer and then backed down immediately. He and Ahmarosa then squabble over this for a bit and it all gets quite boring. Come on, Trump. Just send her back down the hole she crawled up out of and we’ll all be a lot happier.

But it pretty much comes down to Tito or Stevey B, because Trace was awesome as always and Ahmarosa, as infuriatingly douchey as she is, was actually on the more correct end of things this week. They keep fighting about the exclusion of the vampire photo, but you can tell that this is a pretty boring boardroom week and most of it is filler. In the end, Tito gets the big finger gun and is sent back, tragically, to his multi-million dollar mansion and lucrative career of fiercely hugging other naked men.

Farewell, sweet Tito. We’ll miss your massive shoulders and incomplete high fives.

But wait! The Donald thinks Tito is so “special” that he’s giving him $50,000 out of his own pocket for St. Jude’s as a consolation prize! WTF? Last time someone called me special I got a swift kick in the pants and a one-way ride home on the short bus. I call shenanigans. I suspect Trump was taken by that adorable little street urchin that Tito summoned a few weeks ago. She has powers. Creepy powers.

Anyway, that’s it for now. Tune in next week, when Stevey B is rescued from the island by a helicopter, becomes unstuck in time, and travels all the way back to 1996 when he was still famous. Wrong show, you say? ARE YOU SURE??