If You Can’t Take the Boobs, Get Out of the Kitchen

Celebrity Cooking Showdown

By B-Side | Tuesday, April 18, 2006 | 3:10 pm | 16 Comments

cindyboobs4NBC’s Celebrity Cooking Showdown may have tanked in the ratings (fourth place), but I still checked it out. How could I not? I’d already hyped it up with two posts last month. Besides, I just had to see how Naomi Campbell and Sandra Lee would co-exist in the same room. Surely some fur would be flying. Well, turns out Naomi was nowhere to be found (probably because of that whole court case against her), and Sandra Lee was totally MIA (she was probably passed out under a doily after having imbibed a pitcher of her beer margaritas). Without these two queen bees, I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to get through this hour, but at least I had the dulcet tones of Alan Thicke’s voice. And then there was Cindy Margolis’s heaving bosom. Strange how she always seemed to be bending over to get something. Truth is that I really love the premise of this show. The execution? Well… it makes you pine for Alton Brown and the whole Iron Chef gang.On the plus side, Celebrity Cooking Showdown is fairly engaging. I found myself drawn into the event, despite fake audience enthusiasm and the silly contrivances the producers threw in (such as “missing ingredients”). On the downside, Alan Thicke’s banal commentary was more distracting than helpful. It was clearly all added in post-production — we could tell by the way he lilted his voice at the end of every comment as if he were reading a list of lines. His entire play-by-play effort had the disengaged, generic sound of Al Michaels on Madden 2006. There was no sense of urgency or spontaneity, let alone any traces of educational factoids. Then there were the judges. I enjoyed Gael Greene’s crotchety remarks, mostly because she sounded like the sort of woman who spends all her free time browsing through Zabar’s. But Colin Cowie — this guy just has to go. It’s bad enough that he coordinated Rob and Amber’s wedding, but must we hear his take on Tony Gonzales’ penne à la vodka too?

For those of you uninitiated to the ways of Celebrity Cooking Showdown, here’s how it works. Three celebrities are paired with a professional chef each night. They must create a gourmet three-course meal for two judges in fifty minutes or less. Each judge will grade each meal for taste and presentation. There are three nights of competition (nine celebs total), and the chef with the highest score each night will move onto a finals round. There, they will cook again, and then the audience at home will vote on their favorite chef — which doesn’t really make sense since we can’t taste the food. Anyway, on the fifth night, a champion is anointed, and on day six, the entire bonanza is cancelled. Anyway, let’s take a look back at all the boobs, burns, and blunders of the competition.

alanhowie
Thicke and Mandel? FINALLY!

Off the bat, I’m incredibly concerned. The hour begins with Alan Thicke appearing on Deal or No Deal in an effort to drag the audience over to Celebrity Cooking Showdown. I’ve always felt strongly that these two men should never be in the same room together, and my fears are soon realized when they engage in some mind-numbingly awful badinage.

“Your show’s cookin’!” Alan Thicke says, praising the game show.

“No, YOUR show’s cooking!” Howie replies. Get it? Because it’s a cooking show.

“Well, that’s nice of you to say.” Alan responds, as if we really believe that he’s too dense to get the joke.

“No, no, no, literally, your show’s cooking,” Howie then says. OH! NOW I get it! Thanks for spelling it out!

After a few more lines of atrocious dialogue, Alan says “Meal or No Meal” (groan) and then runs off the set to the neighboring sound stage. Inside is NBC’s faux Kitchen Stadium where a rowdy audience cheers Mr. Thicke’s very presence.

thicke3041806
Yay male plastic surgery!

thicke1041806
If Jessica and Ashlee Simpson had a love child, it would be that random girl in the audience.

The opening credits roll, and I’m fairly disarmed by the remixed version of “Dude Looks Like A Lady” that serves as the show’s theme song. It doesn’t really make sense. Literally. This is a cooking show, not a transgender exposé. Anyway, our celebs and their chefs soon emerge. The teams: Wolfgang Puck and model Cindy Margolis, Cat Cora and football star Tony Gonzales, and Govind Armstrong and actress Alison Sweeney. Let’s get cookin’!

Thicke2041806cindy1041806
It’s the battle of the face-lifts!

cattony
These two are my favorite. However, I can’t help noticing that Cat’s breasts are just barely higher than Tony’s groin.

cindywolf
“What is that?” Cindy asks Wolf. She learns that it is an exotic bird, one that few people know of. Something called CHICKEN.

judges
Meet the judges. They look like they’ve just returned from some sort of cruise involving The Captain and Tenille.

pantrytwist
Oooh! Time for a big twist! Each celeb will be missing two ingredients that will be hidden in the pantry!!! What a cruel and merciless game this is!

losttony
Tony struggles out of the gate. Time for a forced sports metaphor! “He’s already trailing by a field goal!” Alan Thicke says. Dynamite!

cindychix1
Cindy Margolis handles her raw chicken…

cindyicecream
…and then, without washing, she scoops out vanilla ice cream by hand. Mmmmm… E. coli sundae!

cindyboobs1
And now the real reason(s) Cindy Margolis is on the show…

cindyhair
Don’t you just love when chefs play with their hair? Then again, I hear E. coli makes for wonderful conditioner.

cindypantry
Oh no! Cindy’s missing an ingredient! Off to the pantry! Seriously, why do they even have this stupid twist?

cindypantry2
That’s right. To see Cindy’s boobies bounce. (Insert “bowwm bowwwm” noise here)

tony_cookiecutters
As Tony cooks, Alan Thicke says, “Look how Tony uses the cookie cutter to make perfect tomato rounds to stack his mozzarella cheese. He’s GOOD!” Has he ever seen a cookie cutter before? It’s really not such an amazing feat.

cindyboobs2
“Hey viewers! Please don’t leave! I have breasts!”

tonyshallot
As Tony chops an onion, Alan Thicke says, “He’s moving so quickly, I hope he gets that shallot cut up evenly.” ME TOO!

alisonsteak
Yes Alison, we know what a steak is. By the way, thanks, Country Crock, for sponsoring every square inch of this mess.

tonyflag
Each celeb is allowed to call their chef for help twice during the competition for two minutes at a time. Tony plops his flag in the bucket to bring in Cat Cora, and of course, Alan Thicke chimes in with another wonderful pun: “Here’s Tony. Flag on the play!” Sounds like someone just got blitzed… with HILARITY!

tonyfrazzled
Time for another football pun! “Tony’s feeling the pressure at the end of Cat’s two-minute drill,” Thicke says, which is followed by an audible groan across America. Holy shit, I just made a football pun too. That was totally unintended. HELP ME! I’M TURNING INTO ALAN THICKE!!!

wolfthicke
“Wolf, are those things real?”
“Oh ya. They are like two mighty luftballoons.”

cindyboobs3
Ratings!

cindy_freezer
The real reason Wolfgang Puck had Cindy make a Baked Alaska?

cindyboobs5
Lots of freezer checks!

catcrunch
With the clock winding down, the chefs all rush out to help their stars with last minute touches. Alan Thicke notes, “It’s past lunch time. It’s crunch time!” Isn’t it possible that crunch time could fall before lunch time? This comment makes no logical sense. And it’s also profoundly stupid.

alisonpan
Funny thing about burning hot pans. THEY BURN.

judges041806
And now Colin Cowie and his yenta-tranny life partner shall taste the meals.

judges2041806
I never knew Jerry Seinfeld’s mom liked food so much.

judges3041896
In general, the judges like Cindy and Tony’s dishes. But when it comes to Alison’s bleu cheese infused tenderloin, Gael says, “I don’t really like salty cheese inside of a steak.” Why does that sound so kinky?

alisoncrepes
As for Alison’s citrus crepe, Gael comments, “I’m not going to say what I think because I want to go home alive.” Hey Alison, you just got a mouthful of GaelSass.

cindywins
Ultimately, Cindy winds up with the highest score, just narrowly beating out Tony and then Alison. And so concludes hour one of this five night event. I don’t know who Cindy will be going up against, but if they don’t get some implants fast, I’m thinking she’ll be walking home with the viewer vote.

What did you think about this show?

About

16 Comments

  1. 1
    jash
    Posted April 18, 2006 at 4:01 pm

    OMG this was classic TVGasm. seriously, i would never watch this show, but all the captions of ms margolis’ assets was pure hilarity.

    also, you captions for nearly all were comedy gold.

    also, i didnt get the football pun you made….anyone? little help?

  2. 2
    holyterror
    Posted April 18, 2006 at 4:06 pm

    Bore. Ing. Get taught a dish and then see if you can manage it a few days later — with the ingredients pre-portioned.

    Plus, the “celebrities” were like the “popular” kids in my high school — you kinda know who they are, but don’t care if they live or die; or confuse them with all the other “popular” kids you don’t care about, one of whom might have been murdered or arrested.

    I wish Cat Cora didn’t attach herself to this, because I really think she should have been in the running for the Food Network’s sexiest star. She rocks in the kitchen, and better yet, loves to drink; but LOSE the t.v.-friendly curls and the cheerleader role. You’re better than that.

    I want to see Grace Jones, Pee Wee Herman, and Mini Me in a life or death culinary struggle.

    And why does Alan Thicke have a job?

  3. 3
    B-Side
    Posted April 18, 2006 at 4:08 pm

    Jash — the football pun was using the word “audible.” It’s a term that’s used when a play is changed at the line of scrimmage. e.g. “calling an audible.”

  4. 4
    Aries
    Posted April 18, 2006 at 4:38 pm

    Thinking that The Apprentice was coming on, I tuned in and watched it for about 5 minutes,got bored and turned the tv off. Like holyterror pointed out, the “celebrities” had pre-portioned ingredients and had learned how to make the dishes a couple of days before. So where’s the suspense? A slightly better reality food show is Top Chef on Bravo. The first couple of episodes weren’t that interesting but now that the chefs’ personalities are coming out and the tasks are getting more twisted, the show is turning out not to be so bad. Plus the people on that show are actually professional chefs so it’s doubly funny when they screw up the meals. Unlike this show where the “celebrities” are clueless, they know they are clueless, and NBC thinks we’re going to be entertained. No wonder their ratings are in the toilet.

  5. 5
    m_ruv
    Posted April 18, 2006 at 5:36 pm

    Haha oh man. Blitzed with hilarity? Luftballoons? IT’S LIKE A PARTY IN HERE

  6. 6
    RMMommy
    Posted April 18, 2006 at 5:36 pm

    Tried to watch and couldn’t stay awake. In my drowzy state I deleted it. So sad that I missed so many glimpses of Cindy’s boobies but thanks for providing them.

  7. 7
    mountain_girl
    Posted April 18, 2006 at 7:32 pm

    You had me laughing so hard I cried. I guess that made watching this disaster worth it. Thanks B-Side.

  8. 8
    Casey
    Posted April 18, 2006 at 9:25 pm

    Around 10 years ago, Cindy Margolis was in that informercial with Don Lapre, the guy with the “Making Money Package.” All you had to do was place “tiny classified ads” in the paper, and you could make like $7,000 a week. It was an entertaining infomercial, because Don and Cindy would be sitting in some cabana, and he’d get really hyper about how easy it was and how much money he was making, and she’d just say, “Uh-huh, Don, tell me more.” He went bankrupt, and now he sells “amazing” vitamins over the internet.

  9. 9
    zoobabe
    Posted April 18, 2006 at 10:21 pm

    I am not ashamed to admit that I watchd it and I LIKED it! It made me want to eat something!

  10. 10
    herkxena
    Posted April 19, 2006 at 4:21 am

    I also watched. I admit it. I am a reality chef/cook contest show whore. I watch Iron Chef, Iron Chef America, Next Food Network Star, Top Chef, Hell’s Kitchen, etc.

    Based on the judge’s comments, I really thought Allison was going to win. Her dishes were foods that I would eat.

  11. 11
    3G_Phil
    Posted April 19, 2006 at 4:37 am

    I watched the whole damn thing. And, I actually got mad at the ending. Damn that show for putting me through that torture!! I thought Allison performed much better than the other two contestants did. If you watched until the end, Cindy kept referring to the laminated recipe that was provided. And all she did at the end was torch the baked Alaska while Wolfgang did all the work. Big titie Bitch!

    I have to agree B-side, some Iron Chef style commentary was desperately needed.

    NBC actually makes the food network look like friggin programming geniuses.

  12. 12
    Tabby Lavalamp
    Posted April 19, 2006 at 5:28 am

    I watched it and enjoyed it. The whole hour went by surprisingly fast. I was a little disappointed that Alison Sweeney lost, being the total Days and Sami fan that I am, but hey. Maybe she can come back and sabotage everyone else!
    I’m sorry I missed the Deal or No Deal appearance. Two of Canada’s greatest exports on one stage? The surge of patriotic pride I would have felt…

  13. 13
    BigTeebo
    Posted April 19, 2006 at 7:08 am

    I watched this for a grand total of 5 minutes.

    First, how can the audience cheer people cooking? I just don’t see that much visible action going on for some NBC concierge(or whoever) egging people on to cheer for THAT long.

    Second, calling Cindy Margolis a “celebrity” is stretching it, like her face. Man did she rack up some plastic surgery bills. She just now looks like someone’s pretty mom.

    So are host cameos(trump, thicke) the norm for Deal or no Deal?

    So why did Wolfgang Puck agree to do this show? He didn’t have any more cameos on Las Vegas anymore? I see a lot of bored people in Hollywood that agreed to do this show. I don’t even recognize any of the other “celebrity” contestants.

    Fox can give them a 1-2 punch wih season 2 of Hell’s Kitchen. shutitdown.

  14. 14
    stacyrocks
    Posted April 19, 2006 at 8:40 am

    I recorded this and watched it yesterday. The crowd cheering is so annoying. Thanks for providing pics of what I missed, B-Side!

    Damn Cindy and those titties – I wanted Tony to keep going! For some reason, I laughed out loud when Cat Cora was teaching him ‘flambé’ and the flame went way high and Tony just screamed “What’s wrong with you!?” like she was going to burn his kitchen down. Cute…

    Oh and I caught a little bit of last night’s episode and freaking Ashley Parker Angel won his round? WTF. The guy is so dumb!

  15. 15
    Trent880
    Posted April 19, 2006 at 9:17 am

    Remember how the networks take something really good and then squeeeeeeeeze the life out of it like blood from a rock and repackage it as their own? Yeah, I’m reminded every night. Also, a propos of nothing, remember how the lead singer of Creed and Kid Rock were in naked in a video together? Makes me laugh every time.

  16. 16
    trppin31
    Posted April 20, 2006 at 1:18 pm

    I rarely post. I am usually not inspired to do so, but I just have to make a comment. This show was like a REAL BAD HOME-ECONOMICS CLASS.
    With Cindy Margolis’ hair falling in the food, and all the finger licking going on, I thought I was going to vomit. And no one even washed their hands before they started cooking! I feel for those judges who have to taste this food. Uggh.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.