Celebrity Rehab: A New Friend!

I don’t know what it is about Celebrity Rehab, but it just makes me want to drink. It may be so I can help out my celebrity counterparts who are unable to take a swig of sweet sweet alcohol, or maybe it’s just a stressful show to watch. No I don’t have a problem!!!

There’s a “new male” coming today! Fingers crossed!

Remember last week? Daniel and Jeff were having their discussion when Daniel is basically telling Jeff off, and then suddenly Jeff flips. He says he didn’t bring drugs in. Ah, denial. Well, let’s pick that shit back up. And more importantly, let’s see some more withdrawal.

Dr. Drew tells us that day 4 is when people come out of the detox fog, and we basically see a replay of what we saw last week between Jeff and Daniel. I know VH1 enjoys showing us what we’ve seen already (like replaying the last 30 seconds before a commercial break after that commercial break as well), but I refuse to comment further until new material. So let’s wait together…

Good time filler VH1. Ok, finally, Jeff’s voice rises to Daniel, he stands up, and “To Be Continued. Damnit!

Ok, not really, but it would have been basically the same ending I had last week also. So Jeff is pissed off. And he’s totally in the right here. You know why? Because that cocaine wasn’t on him. It was in the pants he was wearing!!! Two entirely different things. Man, what a hilarious misunderstanding. Everyone then hugs and they begin singing Amazing Grace and I forget what show I’m watching because of all the coke I did to prepare for this week.

I’m not a coke head. My nose is.

Ok, no coke, I’m just drinking a little with my friend Captain Morgan. But I digress. Kenicky says that he finished all of his shit before he came in because he knew he wouldn’t be able to do any drugs. So Daniel somehow ends up “apologizing” which is basically just getting Jeff to shut up I think.

Some of the inmates, er, celebrities are eating lunch together, and Daniel is bewildered that Jeff is not getting the point of rehab. I hope for more Jeff and Daniel confrontations, because they’re pretty entertaining. I’m with Daniel here though, I’m mystified myself that Conaway is so immature about the whole thing. He can’t even function on his own. Is that a good way to live? I mean, yeah, he’s living the dream, not having to wipe his own ass. But are mind-altering drugs the perfect course to get there? Short answer, yes; long answer, absofuckinglutely.

Drew and Shelly (his head resident tech whose name I missed last week) have a little powwow about Vikki, Jeff’s girlfriend, and the concerns they have about her coming to see him. Shelly brings her in for a sit-down, as Drew voiceovers that Vikki is a codependent partner, and she hates seeing Jeff in pain, so she may slip him a roofie. Or an oxycontin. More likely an oxy. So Shelly says, listen bitch, he’s in pain and we’re watching you, so don’t give him anthing. Vikki is pretty horrified when she hears Jeff screaming in the background, which Shelly could care less about. And I’m with her. When did this become the Jeff Conaway detox hour? Vikki says she always brings Jeffie’s (she probably calls him that, but did not here) pills with her, so they just leave her purse in the other room, and Shelly also gives Vikki a patdown.

No, you’re not just wasted. There is in fact a camera there.

So, Vikki is dating Kenicky. I can’t accurately describe her. She’s much younger, and she also doesn’t look entirely stable. Oh, also she looks like a whore. Can’t forget that. She asks Jeff if he wants to go, and he says he can do it, and finally, I develop a little bit of support. Despite all his bitching and literal moaning, he’s willing to stick it out. He thinks they’ll let him do it on his terms, which is semi-comical, but, at least he’s willing to not take the easiest way out.

Later Shelly sits most of the residents down, and she says they’ve got another male coming in. More opportunities for sexual harassment from Mary. She’s got that glisten in her eye that says “I may rape someone very soon.” And I hope it comes to fruition, because that would be awesome.

Shelly doesn’t know who this guy is, but there’s one chick with a room by herself. That doesn’t exactly fly in rehab. Jessica asks if she can stay with him, which is kind of courageous. For all we know, it could be someone else like Jeff. Ok, we know it’s not, because we’ve seen previews. The girls will have to put three in a room, and Brigitte volunteers immediately that she wants to be with Chyna. There will be a ton of fake boobs and large, Amazonian women in that room. I’m terrified already.

Oh, damn, I was wrong. Brigitte and Chyna get their own room, and the other three are moving in together. Well, regardless, there are still a lot of fake boobs and large Amazonian women in that room.

If Xena the Warrior Princess is getting mush mouth. Call her ass in here! Trifecta!

So let’s meet the new guy. Remember the thing about flashbacks? We see them announce the new guy again. God that’s annoying. The new guy is Ricco Rodriguez, former UFC champion. He had everything, and when I say everything, I include cocaine, in his bloodstream. Unfortunately for him, he got a random drug test while that coke was running it’s course. There was also some marijuana in there for good measure, but no one except Jaimee Foxworth, doctors, employers and the U.S. government think that’s a real drug. Well, in addition to that, he and his girlfriend got in a domestic dispute, they both went to jail and their one year old son went into protective custody. There Jaimee. That’s what a real drug does. You don’t just sit on your ass all day. Either do something entertaining or get out of there, stoner.

Time for the obligatory shit-check. Not actual shit-check, but, uh, belonging-check. Ricco is pretty fidgety, but he says he’s been clean since July 1st. And it’s January already! Great job dude! Who needs rehab? Well, besides Daniel Baldwin. Shelly asks if he’s had any cravings since being sober, and he’s like, shit yeah bitch, what do you think, it’s fucking coke! Ricco seems like a pretty cool dude. Also, of all people, Jessica is shown talking about how hot he is, like for some reason he would choose the Idol chick over either of the two chicks who have done porn.

There are not enough drugs in the world to make Sierra doable.

Oh god. So Ricco says he doesn’t entirely appreciate Shelly’s attitude, but she’s all business. Plus, he does look a little suspicious being so fidgety. Then we hear “Shelly!!!” being called from down the hall, like her little boy needs his mommy. It’s Jeff of course, and the big resident tech dude is in there with Jeff. Oh, good, he’s puking. On the hardwood floor. At least I can’t see it. So I find it slightly amusing.

Shelly walks out to the other residents and asks who’s cool with puke because she needs somebody to sit with Jeff. Mary, Jaimee and Jessica all go in, and Seth stays. Hey, no problem Shifty, I’d stay too. Ricco is looking on in shock. Welcome to treatment! Holy shit, as Jeff is moaning in pain between heaves, Shelly is taking Ricco on a tour. “And this is Jeff’s room…” she says, and Jeff goes “hey how’s it going,” before shoving his head back in the now-placed-below-him garbage can. Fucking hilarious.

The next morning Ricco bitches a little about 7:00 am wakeup calls, and the Chief is in for a morning rundown. Jeff’s going through crazy withdrawals still, Seth is back in bed, Daniel is gone in a pass today for something, and Ricco is getting introduced into group even though they don’t know him that well. Shelly says he’s a periodic user of cocaine, but, surprise, Drew got a call last night that said he takes Valium to sleep also. If he thought Shelly was mean before, just wait.

At morning meditation, Shelly asks if anyone has ever got in an accident under the influence of alcohol, and boom Ricco raises his hand. He said the reports look like his girlfriend was driving, but it was actually him. Great way to start a story dude. He hit the back of a semi and slammed into a wall, and he thought his girlfriend was dead, so he dragged her body and slumped it over the steering wheel. Mary says “That’s really horrible, I don’t want a boyfriend like that,” and this may be the saddest moment of reality TV ever. Holy shit that’s some deep stuff. Then he says it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, but, uh, beg to differ Ricco. He’s pretty nervous with the third degree from Shelly, and Dr. Drew voiceovers that Shelly is also a recovering addict. You know what a fun game to play is? Guess the addiction. If I could get serious for a moment, I look at Shelly, and I see a woman addicted to Cabbage Patch kids. It’s America’s third leading killer. The more you know…

And that, my friends, is called progress.

This situation hasn’t rectified itself yet though. Following “meditation” everyone has separated into two camps for smoke breaks. Dudes (Seth and Ricco) and chicks (Mary, Jaimee and Jessica). Ricco makes physical threats directed towards Shelly to Seth, and Shifty Shellshock (I was a Crazy Town fan for a second, so what) stands up for her and says to chillax yo. Actually Seth is pretty well-spoken, and I literally have no material to make fun of him for (from this show). Meanwhile, in the chicks’ camp, Jessica says if Shelly isn’t gonna lay the smack down on Ricco (sorry for mixing WWE terms with UFC fighters) then she’ll do it. Ok Jess, you do it and we’ll wait over here and watch. No? Ok, we didn’t think so.

Later that day they have group discussion, and I’m worried my cable may have cut off something because I didn’t see a replay of the last 5 minutes of the episode. What’s up VH1? Have I mentioned that’s annoying? Ok, I’ll try to stop there.

Drew asks everyone if they think their addiction has an impact on their kids, and everyone with child says yes except for Ricco. Dude, what the hell. You’ve been here for a day, you’re supposedly clean, yet more shit about you has come up than everyone else but Jeff. I mean, I think that’s what rehab is about, but you don’t want to blow your load too fast if you catch my drift. I know Mary and Jaimee do…

Sorry.

I’d like to apologize for all of my digressions thus far. Anyways, let’s continue. Drew asks if Ricco is as attentive to his kid when using as when he’s clean, and Ricco says he just leaves. He says children too, so he may have more than just a son? Hard to tell. Meanwhile, Jessica says it affected her more seeing her mom’s mugshot for prostitution and drugs or whatever. One, that’s kind of not the same thing unless it had come up about him being arrested, and two, if that affected you, why do I seem to remember something about you using drugs once. Hmm, yes, you’re in rehab, I remember now. So it affected you to follow in the footsteps? I don’t like Jessica. Simple as that.

Ricco says as much (it’s not the same thing as getting arrested for whatever) and then Jessica tries to rant. Drew stops her and says to shut up about herself and let Ricco talk for one GD time in her life. Ricco says he’s getting a bad feeling from Jessie, and she says that’s because she doesn’t like him, which makes Mary giggle. Real supportive Mary. You’d still blow him and we all know it.

Thank god for Dr. Drew. As Jessica starts to rant about why she doesn’t like Ricco, he says “Remember you guys all have addiction. You’re all doing the same thing too, so keep it in mind.” Finally we hear from Jaimee. Her father was addicted to “marijuana…and alcohol.” I bet the latter was more of a problem than the former. Her father also became abusive, and pot just makes you lazy, so my hypothesis is confirmed.

One great thing about this show is seeing the inner-workings of rehab, and the psychology behind it. And seeing how pure balls Dr. Drew is. He asks if Ricco can handle being talked to as a father from Jaimee, talking as a child, and Ricco is game. He’s got a pretty big smile as it starts. But it disappears pretty quickly, and he responds, but it’s not enough. He seems pretty detached, whereas last week, Brigitte really went for it playing the mother. It works for Jaimee though, as she breaks down a little bit. And really this is what gets to Ricco. Dr. Drew kicks everyone’s ass again. Today, he’s up 2-0.

I’m winning!

Daniel’s back and wants to hear about the group from Ricco. He’s not entirely happy about it ,and Daniel says “that’s the reaction when a 21 year-old gets rejected.” And he says it as Jessica walks by. And yet she seems to be pissed of at Ricco and not Daniel. Sidenote, speaking of Daniel, I was at the gym tonight and saw him ranting on something on TMZ’s TV show. I didn’t hear what it was saying, but I believe it had something to do with impregnating cows, judging from the pictures. And, even if it didn’t, it’s entertaining to me to think that’s a possibility.

So let’s get to some 2-on-1s this week, first up is Ricco who is angry and confrontational. Ricco says he’s got a lot of energy and he needs to work out three times a day to get rid of that energy. Drew asks him, seemingly out of nowhere if there’s history of sexual abuse, and Ricco says he was molested as a child when he was around 8-10. But he no longer knows the person who did it. Unfortunately, all of his issues work against his sobering process in rehab, so he’ll need to get a handle on all of it.

Hmm, now it’s time for a 2-on-1 with Mary, and Drew says that Mary needs to build up body boundaries, starting with what she wears. Remember when Mary ran for governor of California? She said she wants to run for President someday. I wonder what her budget plan will be…Anyways, Drew says since Shelly has been where Mary is (whaaaaa?????), Shelly’s going to talk to her.

Shelly said her change started with dressing differently. Drew asks Mary about her body boundaries, and Mary says she’s never done escorting. Drew says it’s not about ethics, no one cares about that, but to get healthy, it’s necessary to talk about this. Um, then Mary starts crying a little, and she says she was thinking yesterday that she would never want “three penises in my pussy.” At least, I think that’s what she said. How eloquent. Mary says she’s done being the porn star though, and Drew said he didn’t think she’d be willing to make the attempt. She’s still a very flirtatious/promiscuous personality, so it’s easier said than done. Count me in camp skeptical.

At least she’s not addicted to eyebrow wax.

Shelly and Drew then have a sit-down about visitation that night. Drew is letting Shelly decide who can go where, and they’re not allowing opposite sex in bedrooms. Seth has a couple friends come, and it’s of course smoke-break time. Mary and Jessica are out there, and this friend, Garth, sings a pretty dirty song. Mary digs it. Hmm, well on our way to reserved Mary. She says she wants whatever he took before he got there, and he says he’s been sober six months and it’s beautiful. I did not see that conversation headed in that direction. Wow.

Then we visit Ricco and his girlfriend, and Shelly is working in the background. His girlfriend asked if Shelly laughed when he told the “car accident” story, and he said that his friends all laugh. Then his girlfriend says his friends are all scumbags. I can see where his friends are coming from though. Taking your girlfriend who you think is dead and putting her behind the steering wheel of a car you wrecked while under the influence is HILARIOUS!!! I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Vikki, Jeff’s girlfriend (remember?) gets a special one-on-one with Drew. And it’s not exactly pleasant. Apparently Norco was in her purse last night when she visited, and it’s because she takes it. It’s also killing Jeff, and it makes me wonder if maybe she knows what she’s doing. Just in case you were wondering, because I know you were, it’s for her cramps. When she’s menstruating. Yeah, I didn’t want to know either.

This is a pretty good eye-opener, at least it seems that way, for Vikki. But now she’s with Jeff, upset about the rules, and he says she just needs to deal with them. Uh, hi, pot? You’re black. Then Vikki mentions seeing some dude and giving him a hug, and Jeff immediately gets pissed. And apparently this dude also just got out of prison. Perhaps an old flame? Pre-Kenicky? This blow-up is happening pretty much in front of everybody, not that Jeff really cares, but Vikki is trying to compose herself.

I let him do one line of coke off my ass. What’s the big deal?

They move this inside, and Jeff doesn’t seem to really buy her support, and he keeps mentioning some “agreement” they made. So he tells her to leave his money and stuff, and he sends her on his way. That’s probably a good idea for making him want to stay clean.

But later he is on the phone with her apologizing. Shelly comes in from outside with Brigitte, cheery, saying she needs to take his phone because she has to end her shift. Oh, I’d be happy too then. Jeff asks why she has to take his stuff, and she says she doesn’t want to talk about it until she gets his wallet and phone. He says he won’t do it, and she says fine. But, uh, I thought she needed to to leave? She just says she’ll talk to Drew about it tomorrow. Then Jeff gets right next to Jaimee (who’s on the real phone) and says he’s checking out, and Shelly just says “Ok.”

Shelly then calmly calls Drew and guess who has to come back. Vikki doesn’t even want him to leave, and everyone is gathered around to keep Jeff there. Shelly just says goodbye as she’s walking out, which I think is pretty awesome. You know how to lose your privileges? Force Drew to get out of bed. Daniel manages to get Jeff off to the side so they can talk. Daniel says he never pegged Jeff for a quitter, and Jeff says it’s not quitting. God I love that argument. “I’m not quitting…I’m…just…stopping.” Daniel is getting pretty angry and laying on a thick guilt trip, and then the big boss shows up.

Ladies, feast your eyes on Drew Pinsky. He’s brought the guns along. Jeff tries a little flattery with Drew, which doesn’t work obviously. Drew says “Get your shit together and act like you’re sane.” He’s in no condition to go home, obviously. Drew asks if he’s checked out, and he says he’s going to.

If I can find the front desk.

And that’s where the episode ends? At least we didn’t get a to be continued, but we might as well have. Although, I guess, after last week’s lack of a climax, they probably realized we wouldn’t fall for the same trick again. Anyways, what did you think of the episode? How is Jeff Conaway delusional enough to think he’s a functioning member of society? Man he’s fucked up. And, it looks like next week Mary is doing a great job of developing her bodily boundaries. Anybody think we’ll see more puking next week?