Celebrity Rehab: Amber Smith’s Supple…

Remember how couple of recaps ago I told of Dr. Drew’s assertion that people have “different detox arcs”? Well, I guess episode four proves that Jeff Conaway’s arc stays flat for a long time and then suddenly goes headlong into hell at a slippery forty-five degree angle.

Martha Plimpton? What are you doing here?

The episode started off with Rodney King trying to physically get Conaway out of bed. I would think that Rodney’s advice would be that if one is in pain they should just stay down but what do I know? On second thought, that really didn’t serve Rodney well either.

Once Jeff got out of bed, the group and the world was shown his massive surgery scar that literally runs from the top of his neck all the way to his butt. Gruesome stuff. What really scares the hell out of me is that Conaway’s situation isn’t due to a car accident or anything even relatively traumatic (at least recently).

He hurt his back while filming Grease, but what led to the surgeries was simply aggravation of that injury via lifting boxes. If anyone reading this ever comes to my house, I apologize in advance for the boxes all over the floor.

Hey John sure I’ll help you move.

During group session, Tawny Kitaen tried to minimize Conaway’s pain by offering that she had gone through childbirth. I hate when women do this. Childbirth is a choice. Painful, I’m sure, but, a choice. Jeff has to live like this for the foreseeable future, and possibly, for the rest of his life.

So Tawny, Julie, or whoever you are; don’t say that ever again or I will stop referring to you as a hot chick and begin designating you an “old broad”. You’ve been warned.

Basically Conaway wants to have another back surgery, which of course would lead to more pain pills. Coincidence? Stay tuned.

Dr. Drew’s main message to close the session was that everyone had to stop the cycle of repeating the same thought processes (and actions) over and over. I agree. Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass Amber Smith’s supple ass.

You’re not helping.

Wait a second what was I doing again? Oh yeah, writing about Amber Smith’s supple ass. Anyway, Amber Smith was mentally preparing for (and dreading) her mother’s visit. Dr. Drew is going to try to convince her mom to get into treatment and she is worried that will alienate her mom and possibly lead to her estranging Amber or committing suicide.

Dr. Drew decided to bring Nikki Mc Kibben in to give Amber some perspective on what can happen when a loved one does not get help. (For all those who don’t remember Mc Kibben’s mom died after having a heart attack while doing drugs with Nikki).

Some fun stuff learned during this conversation included: Amber started working at age eleven (and at Hooters at age fifteen) in order to provide income after her father left and her mother started becoming debilitated by drugs. Mc Kibben’s mom taught her how to do coke when she was fifteen; she literally showed her how to physically make a line and snort it. If anyone can figure out some funny comments about forced child labor or gross parental negligence e-mail them to Tvgasm.com and maybe someone will read them before transferring them to their recycle bin. Amber Smith’s supple ass.

It’s not like she made me a child whore or anything. What’s the bfd?

After hearing that bunch of awful crap, Dr. Drew decided to help Jeff deal with some of his pain issues by assigning him a massage therapist (Sara Ivanhoe). She was introduced to Jeff while Rodney was giving him a back message. See, that’s all you need.

What people don’t realize is that after the police beat the crap out of him Rodney King got a nice back rub by Big Bruce (Big Bruce was his cell mate) and that made everything all right. Can’t we all just get along? Why sure Rodney, sure we can. Just cover up some of those ugly bruises and take down them underoos, and Big Bruce will make everything all right.

Amber Smith’s supple ass. Jeff’s massage therapist had him do a couple of simple things like walk in a circle and lean against the wall, to see what type of mobility he has. This was really simple stuff. Stuff that a ninety year old should be able to do. Jeff couldn’t do much of it and he broke down and cried in the massage therapists arms. It was pretty funny. It was almost as funny as a woman teaching her twenty-three year old daughter how to do drugs.

Same reaction he had when he had to learn Grease Lightnin’ the first time.

He also said that when Vikki (his whack job girlfriend) kicked him she did damage. He said that he was actually doing fine up until the point she KICKED HIM FIVE TIMES IN THE BACK. This I did not know. I thought the kicks didn’t do harm.

Have you ever seen that Simpson’s where Side Show Bob goes on trial for trying to kill Aunt Selma? Remember when the lawyer says “How many of you in the audience are thinking about killing this woman (Selma) right now..”? I pose this same question to you, Tvgasm readers. Amber Smith’s supple ass. How many of you are thinking of killing Jeff Conaway’s trailer trash, annoying girlfriend right now? Me too.

Jeff Conaway too. He admitted to Dr. Drew that he is scared to be around Vikki because “…I’m afraid that if she does something like that again I will kill her”. Not if a bunch of goofballs who read that Tvgasm.com crap get a hold of her first!

When he heard Conaway’s veiled threat, Dr. Drew said he had to bring Vikki over from the other rehab to get this issue hashed out. To be honest, when Dr. Drew called her over I was hoping it was all a ruse and that Drew and Jeff were going to forcibly take her out in the parking lot, decapitate her, and bury her body near a herd of coyotes in the Pasadena foothills. But NOOOOO! Drew had to keep up with this whole “acting like a doctor” thing, (I think it’s all a front to get chicks) and actually refereed the meeting between Jeff and his half-assed Bruce Lee of a girlfriend.

You have been found guilty of crimes against humanity. Now you will have to watch clips of yourself acting like an asshole on Celeb Rehab on a loop until you die.

Vikki explained that she thinks that if something were to happen again she is worried Jeff will call the police. Really? You’re worried that the “next time” you assault a disabled person that they might call the police? Again; how many of you are thinking about killing her right now? Amber Smith’s supple ass.

In group Tawny admitted that she had been abused by her cousin when she was eleven. Her main worry was that the cousin and his family would see the show and be embarrassed and ashamed. What I say, (and what Steven Adler said in not so many words) is, f#$%k that guy. Be honest, how many of you are thinking of killing Tawny Kitaen’s cousin right now?

After group, Jeff was sitting on the porch pouting and out of nowhere he decided to call over the new resident tech to humiliate her in front of the group. Among the gems: “..when people drive in my way, or stand in my way I hit them..I would hit you if you weren’t a woman..I don’t like your bossiness..”, and so on.

Don’t make me kick you in the back mofo. I don’t get paid enough to take this shit.

Keep in mind this was totally unprovoked. The res tech was totally professional. She walked away without saying a word or even doing any non-verbal stuff. How many of you are thinking about taking back your earlier thoughts about killing Vikki? How many of you are thinking of disabling the brakes on Jeff’s wheelchair and pushing him down an off ramp to a freeway? Amber Smith’s supple ass.

Amber began preparing for her mom’s visit. Amber Smith’s supple ass. She started getting dressed up like she was going to the junior prom. She laid out a bunch of hair extensions and kept on asking Tawny, Sean and Nikki about various colors of eye shadow and dresses. Amber Smith’s supple ass. She explained that her mother thinks that Amber needs to “look more like Pamela Anderson”. Pamela Anderson’s awesome tits. Amber Smith’s supple ass. How many of you are thinking of killing Amber Smith’s supple ass’s mom right now? Pamela Anderson’s awesome tits.

Oh my god! What have you done to your mom?!?

Well Amber’s mom did finally arrive and she was a very nice, and kind woman. Seriously. Don’t you feel bad now for wishing death upon her? Me too. She admitted that she has been addicted to pills (and other fun stuff) for over thirty years. She and Amber recounted a time when they had to move into a motel room because they were both essentially homeless due to their drug problems.

She did say that she “thinks that maybe some of Amber’s problems would get better, if you know she had a boyfriend…” Amber Smith’s supple ass. That’s funny, I was just talking to this pasty white dude with breasts who writes about that show Celebrity Rehab Season Two on Tvgasm.com. He’s just dying to date a model with an opiate addiction, a junky mom and a supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass. I’ll let him know she’s interested. Amber Smith’s supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass.

Where was I? I just blacked out for three hours. Oh yeah, Amber’s mom was worried about going through detox at such an old age (she’s in her sixties). Her other concern was the stigma of rehab for people of her generation. That all being said, she didn’t put up much of a fight. She is going into treatment. Good for her, and good for Amber Smith’s supple ass. Seriously.

What the hell lady? This ain’t a deb ball.

Next came a Jeff Conaway “…get me out of here, I hate this place, my back hurts, wah wah wah…” session. These things are getting old. Doesn’t he know it’s hard to write fresh, funny recaps about the same stuff? Amber Smith’s supple ass. I think Drew feels the same way, because he walked away from the bitch festival and sat down on the couch and started massaging his temples. Drew, do what I do when you’re in a stressful situation. Just keep on thinking..Amber Smith’s supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass. Amber Smith’s supple ass.

Cleary Drew wasn’t taking my advice because the temple rubbing continued to the point where Steven Adler noticed and came up and started giving him a back rub. You know you are in a sorry state when a guy who essentially got divorced by his parents at age eleven is someone who relieves YOUR stress.

Drew Barrymore from Irreconcilable Differences isn’t a counselor for a reason.

The final act of episode four was a one on one with Drew and Jeff. Drew started off by saying that he had contacted Jeff’s surgeon and that he said that there was no surgery that could give him any real relief. Drew basically thought that Jeff was using very wishful thinking to drown out the “soft no’s” his doctor was giving him. Amber Smith’s supple ass. It is also clear that part of the reason Jeff wants surgery is because he wants a tacit justification to restart his addiction cycle.

When Jeff heard this he was crushed. He viewed it as basically a diagnosis of being permanently disabled. Actually what Drew was trying to tell him is that with a battery of regimented, multiple non-surgical treatments, (yoga, physical therapy, diet) including getting rid of his addiction that he can get better.

Jeff would have none of it. He kept on making veiled references to his life being over and to suicide. He can’t see any other treatment working besides surgery and his self-medication via opiates. Amber Smith’s supple ass. He needs to alter his thinking or he is in trouble on many fronts.

Jeff walked out of the meeting and then quietly walked to the house phone claiming he was being “..held hostage, held against my will at the Pasadena Treatment facility..”. What a dick! I could at least understand this kind of thing if he was in the middle of one of his babyish crying fits. During those he isn’t acting rational. Amber Smith’s supple ass.

Please, make him stop. Now I’m addicted to opiates.

This looks to me like it is being done to get back at Drew for not giving him the diagnosis he wants. By the way, the guy isn’t being held against his will, he can leave any time he wants. I’m sure the police will treat the situation as the false rantings of a nut job. That being said, any call to the police claiming that someone is being held against their will jeopardizes the facility’s license (and Dr. Drew’s). Again, what a dick!.

The episode ended with the Pasadena police walking through the door. I’m sure seeing the police will really be a positive thing for Rodney. That’s what you get for massaging Jeff Conaway’s back.

See you all on the other side of episode five.

P.S. Amber Smith’s supple ass.