Celebrity Rehab: Family Hour

Tonight on Celebrity Rehab, it’s family time.

Calm down, mother. This is a professional environment.

Episode six started out exactly where the five ended. Dr. Drew chased after Steven Adler when he stomped out of the meeting with his mother. Adler went out on the porch and began telling Conaway and Massive Head Wound Gary about what went on. These two are the exact bizzaro opposites of Freud and Jung. Thank God Drew got his ass out there and was able to get in on the chat and assure Adler that his mom is in denial.

Dr. Drew’s goal in this episode seems to be to get the celeb addicts family in the picture via holding a “family day” where they come to the facility and hang out for the day. To that end, we got some clips of Amber and Jeff calling their families. Amber’s mom was a quick yes while whoever Jeff was talking to was a “..I’m spending time with my mom and her kids..”, no. Is this person on the other end his girlfriend? I thought she was in rehab next door so why would she be coming anyway? Stay tuned.

Vikki didn’t stay in rehab? That is just shocking news.

Drew expressed worry about Scott/Sean Stewart because he has abandonment issues and it seemed like he wasn’t going to invite anyone. I have always pegged Stewart as a pretty boy douche bag. Could it be that the reason he has no one to invite is not because of personal issues but because others have (like me) pegged him as a douche bag and don’t want to come visit him? Does the fact that I am thinking/writing this make me a complete dick? Will anyone visit me when I am in rehab? He eventually invited his girlfriend.

Next came a group session where Drew encouraged everyone to open up and tell some of the awful things that they have done to both themselves and to their family in order to get drugs. Bob Forrest (one of the counselors) admitted that he had stolen one of his friends’ daughters’ Lion King DVD’s. Honestly, how much drugs can you get from selling a used DVD? I sold a Gigli DVD for two sniff hits of epoxy glue in 1999. The DVD was still in the wrapper. Does my transaction give an accurate picture of the drugs for DVD market? I don’t know. I can only offer my anecdotal experience as evidence because unfortunately, the FOX Business Channel does not display DVD to inhalant conversion rates. And Rupert Murdoch wonders why they aren’t getting ratings!

If this movie had ever been worth more than 99 cents, I could have overdosed.

Nikki Mc Kibben told of how she hocked a ring that her mother had made for her. Boring! Come on. It would have been more interesting if it was, like, a ring a mentally disabled kid had made her. Spice it up a little. This is Celebrity Rehab. Pedestrian stories like this belong on that loser show Intervention or on the Hocking Mommies Rings show on QVC.

Sean Stewart said he fake beat himself up in order to go to the hospital and get more Vicodin. Oddly enough, the medical staff at the hospital found his story that someone got angry enough to physically assault him completely plausible. Go figure.

Next came Amber Smith. She told of several episodes where she was sexually exploited by her dentist, her psychiatrist and several other creeps. Now none of these people were nearly as awful as that dork who made all those comments about her ass on TVGASM.COM. If I was running the Pasadena Recovery Center I would organize a field trip where all the celebs find that jerk and burn him at the stake upside-down. That guy is the cause of all her problems, and, for that matter, the problems that plague our world (AIDS and deck collapse come to mind).

Rodney King’s two estranged adult daughters (he hasn’t seen them in three years) were not going to be able to attend the family day so Drew decided to invite them to come in and meet on another day. Rodney was very nervous about seeing them. Drew decided to sit in on their meeting in order to facilitate them continuing their relationship.

Rodney made it clear that the reason he cut off contact was that he didn’t want them to be around him when he was using. He grew up with an alcoholic dad and he didn’t want his daughters to endure the same upbringing. Drew got Rodney to commit to keeping in contact with his children whether he is abusing or not. Have I mentioned that I really like Rodney King?

Least awkward family meeting ever.

Next came the family get-together. First was a swanky catered dinner at what looked like a country club. Must be nice. I’m so broke I can’t afford Tabasco sauce for my shirt. (I’m so poor I’ve taken to eating my shirts).

Amber Smith’s mom could not handle the heat and had to be carried into a dark room to lay down. She was having problems because she is in the early stages of treatment and deter. Hopefully she will be O.K..

Drew decided to have a gigantic group session with both addicts and family. He called his Family Psychiatrist friend Bob Sofy to referee. Tawny Kitaen and her daughter led off by detailing how Tawny would get loaded and forced her daughter to act as the parent instead of the child. This led to her daughter collapsing in Tawny’s arms and crying. There was nothing funny about this.

Amber talked about the challenge of switching her relationship with her mom to “back to normal” where she is the daughter and her mom is the parent. Dr. Sofy said that if she doesn’t work at changing that relationship she will suffer from Reactive Detachment Disorder whereby she (and the other addicts) will never be able to enter into a loving trusting relationship with anyone. Nothing funny about that.

Next came Sean Stewart’s girlfriend detailing how he constantly cheats on her. His excuses include needing validation from women. Dr. Sofy detailed how these behaviors are actually Stewart’s reaction to being abandoned by his dad (and others). Sofy didn’t mention anything about Stewart being a douche bag, which to me, makes his diagnosis myopic at best.

Poor guy. This is the only excuse he needs.

Sofy and Drew then met with Rodney King and his fiancé Dawn. Apparently King also neglects his relationship with her the same way he does his daughters. It was made clear that the only quality time he spends with the three women in his life comes via fishing. This seems like a pretty good deal to me. King has orchestrated his life in a way that he does “guy” stuff with girls. I move that if he in fact does end up spending more time with his daughters and fiancé it should all be spent bowling, golfing and picking up chicks.

The next meeting was with Tawny and her daughter Winter. Finally, something funny. In addition to raising her while being intoxicated; Kitaen named her Winter. Now that’s child abuse. Once again Sofy and Drew focused on the addiction and abandonment issues that plague the Kitaen family and ignored everything else. Drew went through this whole song and dance where he said that Winter has to stop getting Tawny out of bed in the morning (and other “parent” stuff). He said that even though not coddling her mom will make her feel scared and out of control she has to do it anyway in order to facilitate a normal parent/daughter relationship. He didn’t get to the true nature of all their problems, which, of course is that Tawny named her Winter.

Sofy and Drew then chatted up Steven Adler and his wife. Adler wants to go on tour after he gets out of rehab. This course of action is so misguided and dumb that it almost defies description and humor. It’s like stuffing a loaded gun into your sweatpants and then bringing it into a nightclub. It’s like speaking out against motorcycle helmet laws and then suffering a massive brain injury in a motorcycle accident (a la’ Gary Busey). Needless to say Drew, Sofy and Adler’s wife were against Adler’s “plan”.

Um…gonna have to say no on that one, k?

Nikki Mc Kibben was next in this massive grief extraction experiment. Mc Kibben is basically not a functioning mother and/or wife because she is still self medicating over the death of her mother a year ago. She isn’t intimate with her husband or there for her children. This whole subject is perfect for internet “snark”. It’s like Katie Holmes’ new hairdo. It’s like Brittany’s new video. It’s like Tom Cruise being a certified goof. Someone’s pain over their mother’s death and it’s subsequent malignant ruination of their family life is just the thing to be joking about on the internet.

Drew decided to cap this family day (or two) with a dinner at the beach prepared by the addicts for their family members. When told of these plans we got our one Jeff Conway moment of the show when he yelled “I hate the beach..”. That is the only line he uttered during the entire episode. I can’t tell if I think that is good or bad.

The meal started off with the addicts being instructed on how to prepare traditional Hawaiian meals by Sam, a chef who came all the way from Hawaii for this event. After a couple of minutes Adler and Sean Stewart unilaterally (or in this case I guess bilaterally is the correct term) decided to ditch the group (and the work of preparing the meal) and decided to go take a dip in the ocean. Maybe I’m right. Maybe Sean Stewart should be at douche bag rehab.

Would have looked better in his dad’s suit.

Drew and other staff members tried to flag them down but they would not listen. When they finally yanked them out it was made known that if they did not comply with the rules from here forward they would be forced to go back to the recovery center and, if necessary, be asked to leave the center. I found this episode disturbing. The one time these goofballs are asked to do anything for anybody (and not much at that) they not only don’t do it but they literally run off and do their own thing. These are the types of guys who pretend their back is hurt when you ask them to help you move. Hell, these guys don’t even have a job. They can’t prepare one tenth of a meal?

After the “get out the pool kids” incident Drew decided to sit and talk with Sean and his girlfriend. Drew asked her if she trusted Sean. She replied, “no”. Drew asked Sean, “should she trust you..” , he replied, “no”. Translation, time to go get another boyfriend. Again, Pasadena Douche Bag Clinic and Recovery Center is the place for him.

Match.com. Give it a go.

Next came the actual dinner. Drew led off with a toast to the family members basically praising them for putting up with all these dopes. Next toast was Rodney. He said, “….I just want to say one thing…”, and someone from the group chimed in with “…can’t we all just get along..”. Cheezy and obvious, but I have to admit, I laughed. King said that everyone should look around and be thankful for all the people gathered at the table. The crazy thing was I think he even wanted people to be thankful for Jeff and Gary. Goofy guy that Rodney.

Tawny Kitaen then toasted her daughters but offered no apology for naming one of them Winter.

Finally we got one last toast from Massive Head Wound Gary. In it he said some nonsense about how he used to think that burping loudly was a great thing. First Douche Bag rehab now Belching rehab?

Sorry about the delay guys. Another recap coming soon.