Celebrity Rehab: Mommy Never Loved Me But Daddy Shared His Weed

Season 3 of Celebrity Rehab is off and running with all the drugs, drama and fucked up daddy (& mommy) issues you could possibly want. There were some pretty powerful moments already and to paraphrase Dave Chappelle, I’d cry but the weed done dried my eyes out.

I kid, I kid! I haven’t smoked weed since the fourth grade. I moved right on to heroin and never looked back. FYI- It was a lot easier to excuse the track marks when you fall down on the playground all the time. Now, not so much. I wear lots of arm cuffs.

Okay, I’m done being a jackass, for now anyway, but I’m not promising anything for later.

We start off with a sad voiceover. A serious Dr. Drew points out that all the celebrity drug drama that has dominated the press this past decade has only served to put a microscope on the fact that drugs are EVERYWHERE. It’s society’s problem, not just bored famewhores who don’t know what to do with themselves when the fairy dust wears off.

It’s true, we all know someone with a drug problem. People might even argue that I drink too much. I say it’s therapeutic. If you lived in Cleveland, you’d drink too.I grew up around drinking, lots of it. My parents had martini parties, there was wine at holidays for anyone over 12, and my brothers had keg stands when my parents were out of town. I even cleaned up after some particularly raucous ones- vomit in the day lillies and an empty keg lovingly ensconced in my baby bassinet. Those high school boys and their highjinks, so High-larious.

I’m not sure why my parents never got wise to this behaviour. Maybe it was the pitcher of Sangria they tucked into when they got home. I’ll think on that for a minute.

But nobody went to rehab for it because drinking was relegated to weekends and vacations, and it never interfered with work, just made the not working part more fun. Still, you’re only one bad bender away from a serious problem, so none of these people is unrelatable. Except maybe Dennis Rodman.

What an asshole. Can you beleive he won 5 NBA trophies? He was a great rebounder, no doubt about it, but I always thought that he was a bit nelly with the way he pranced down the court. And don’t forget Scotty Pippen and Michael Jordan. Something tells me that those trophies had a lot to do with the players around him. But, just look at him, what was the name of the team he played for?

Does he have to relive those years every single day by looking like one? Gorgeous.

They show footage of him partying in clubs, Grey Goose at his side, verbally abusing women and visually abusing my eyes with those Ed hardy t-shirts. The big guy sure can destroy the booze, one of the benefits of being 6 foot 7 and 250 or whatever he is.

He loves his whores and if they could get some of whatever is left on his sheets and put it in a petri dish, we’d have a whole new kind of germ warfare all ready to go for the military.

Thank God for the captions because when he’s drunk he sounds like Harry Carey with a sinus infection, a tongue two sizes too big and a stuttering problem. In other words- ME NO SPEAKIE RODMAN. Strangely enough, it wasn’t offered at any of the colleges I was accepted to.

He heads back to a hotel with some chicks and various hangers-on from the cluuuuhbs, only to drink more and tell the ravishing temptress at his side that he “sure would like his dick sucked.”

At least he knows what he wants, even if the beer goggles are preventing him from seeing that he’s sitting next to Khloe Kardashian’s more masculine cousin.

In a moment that I’m sure makes all their mother’s proud, three chicks file into his bedroom so he can get his wang polished and then pass out on their titties after he uses their hair for a chum bucket. It’s as simple as that.

He says that a lot. Did you notice? It’s his catch-all phrase for the conversation being over, or ‘it’s my way or no way,’ It’s his way of being charming.

By the way, one thing I DID take in college was psychology 101, and it doesn’t take an M.D. to figure out that guys who treat women like shoe scrapers usually have mommy issues. I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough, but not before he arrives at the Pasadena Recovery Center because he’s our first patient.

He says goodbye to his wife(!) and kids and doesn’t even hug the little bbs when they wrap their tiny arms around his four storey legs. Dude, don’t pass that lack of love on to your kids, PLEASE. You should know better. But then again, this is obviously a guy who cheats on his Elin Nordegren look-alike wife, so what should we expect?

So, he’s at rehab because surprise, surprise, he hit a woman. Instead of going to jail, he’s allowed to attend rehab because alcohol was involved. He issues a challenge to Dr. Drew to give it his best shot, but you just know that he’s only there because he HAS to be. And hey, is Dr. Drew allowed to actually shoot them? Cuz that would be fine by me.

He meets Shelly, the floor supervisor, and as she’s going through his stuff she talks to him like he’s a child, which in a way he is. He won’t answer questions or even show the slightest common courtesy, like a petulant little thug. Maybe he’s afraid that he’ll get made fun of by his buddies if he shows emotion.

Let’s think about that. Professional sports are lived in a pretty macho can-do world, where weakness is not only frowned upon but punished. He is not hard wired for rehab and talking about his feelings. It’s anathema to him. I think he’d be better off in prison where things are cut and dry- fuck or be fucked, survive or die. THAT, I think he understands.

And it’s appropriate since he says that being there is like being in jail. Oh, and he won’t pee in the cup. I have to hand it to Shelly because I would have showered him with expletives by now. She has the patience of a saint.

The one thing he does have going for him is that he seems very healthy and probably won’t go through any withdrawals. They need to get him a larger bed, though, and maybe a HAZMAT team.

He meets with the good doctor, arms folded and dodging questions like Taylor Lautner in Rolling Stone. (Don’t bother reading that interview, trust me.) I bet he didn’t speak this way when he was in front of the judge. Punk.

Let’s run it down. He’s 48, doesn’t know his parents whereabouts and professes not to know how old he was when he became estranged from them. He pretends to mistake having smoked cannibas with being a cannibal, ha ha, and cops to using alcohol only- 2 1/2 (?) days a week and just enough to get a buzz.

Sure, sure. The facts tell a different story. He’s had 2 DUIs and this is not the first time he’s fought with a woman (Carmen Electra, anyone?) so when he says that there haven’t been any consequences to his drinking he is just out and out lying.

He is also cracking himself up by fucking with Dr. Drew. I don’t know how he keeps himself from laughing out loud. You know who he reminds me of? This little asshole I used to babysit in High school. He’d push me and push me to see if he could get to me, get all frustrated when he couldn’t and then begrudgingly admit defeat and show me the respect I deserved. The silent treatment is a hell of a weapon against brats. Thanks to my parents, I learned that lesson well.

When Dr. Drew examines him he still won’t pee and honestly, who cares? If he doesn’t participate, he goes to jail, as Drew informs him, so hold it in until your bladdar bursts for all I care.

As Shelly says, you can’t treat people who don’t want to be treated so let’s move on to Mindy McCready. For those of you who don’t know, she was a country music singer. She made it HUGE when she was a teenager and absolutely gorgeous, too young and too gorgeous to handle it if you ask me.

She was arrested for prescription drug fraud and they show footage of her in an orange jumpsuit. I love when she says that it was all a big mistake, that she was buying them for a friend. Hmmm. Do you think the judge bought that cockamamie story? Doubt it, so she is definately on the denial train.

She was in a horribly abusive relationship with a dickhead who put her in intensive care. He served time for it and what did she do when he got out? Move to another state? Get a protection order? Shoot at his balls with a sawed off shotgun? Nope, she gets back together with him and has his baby.

She gets into a fight with her mom, spends six months in jail because of it and then signs over the rights to her son to her. This is all kinds of messed up. I don’t know where to begin. You have to be pretty fucked up if you think your abusive mom makes a better parent than you. And, why? Wasn’t Susan Smith available?

Despite all this drama, she insists that she is not an addict, just co-dependant and attracted to the wrong people. NEVER an addict.

When she talks to the Dr. we find out that she’s 33 years old and takes xanax for occassional anxiety. It seems that she forgot about the painkillers in her luggage and acts all ‘who, me?’ when he mentions them. Dislocated shoulder, my ass. That’s what chiropractors are for, not pharmacists. If she wants to know pain, she can try living with my tendonitis. I’ll take a dislocated shoulder over that ANY DAY.

Okay, before you all go apeshit on me, I just spoke to Mr. McSlore. He dislocated his shoulder so many times growing up that he turned it into a party trick. He did say that the first time was the worst pain he ever experienced but that after the tendons got stretched, it wasn’t so bad. So, mea culpa. But, still. A MONTH later and you’re still taking pain pills? Moving on.

When she was in her abusive relationship she drank too much but it was all she knew because she was raised on beatings. She says that her mom hit her with anything she could get her hands on and that she’s bipolar. So why is your son in the clutches of such a monster? There has to be more to this story. Somebody clue me in.

Dr. Drew tells her that she’s disconnected. No doubt! I say that she is hitting that xanax HARD and if she was any more disconnected she’d be dating Tila Tequila by now. Too soon? Oh well.

She goes off to her room and meets DenRod and they share their delusional excuses. You know, she’s co-dependant and he’s there because of ‘court’ and aren’t they just above it all. We’ll see how that holds up when you’re on the floor having a seizure, Mindy.

Our next contestant is Mike Starr, former bass player with Alice In Chains, one of my favorite bands. Don’t forget, that band already lost its’ lead singer to heroin. Yay, grunge.

This is where it gets really sad and really weird.

When AIC kicked him out of the band he started hitting the drugs Staley-style, but with HIS DAD. They smoke coke and shoot up together. He says that he loves his dad very much and I hope Papa Starr is in a rehab of his own right now.

Watching them together was disturbing, and heart wrenching. It makes me mad, someone that talented who turned to drugs and instead of helping him, his dad is right there with him, snorting up his life. What kind of support will he have when he gets out if his dad’s still using? Ugh.

Mike has clinically died multiple times and has been found by his mother frothing at the mouth like Mia Wallace in Pulp Fiction. He is lucky to be alive and he wants to get clean so he can play music again.

When he meets Shelly, he says he’s doing good, mostly because he’s still high, I’m sure. He does have a nasty booboo that needs attention and he shows it to her off camera. He’s the opposite of DenRod, super polite and kind to her.

She takes him straight to Dr. Drew and dear God, Mikey has a freaking hole in his side! A black hole! What happened was that he ran out of viable veins for shooting up so he shot the drugs directly into the muscle, causing an absess. If you don’t take care of it, the infection can kill you. I won’t be showing you any pictures of it because I love you all and don’t want to give you nightmares, but it was nasty, red rimmed and angry.

He tells Dr. Drew that he’s been doing drugs for seventeen years, has been on methadone for six and does a couple of grams of coke a day. He shoots heroin on top of the methadone, which is supposed to keep you from doing just that. What a messy withdrawal he is going to have.

But we’re not done. He smokes pot, loves ketamine which I believe vets use to put down pets, and has done LSD 50 times. His brain must be mouse food by now.

By the way, wasn’t ketamine, or ‘Special K,’ the drug that Michael Alig was on when he killed his drug dealer friend, Angel? It was all documented in that movie ‘Party Monster.’ And scary as hell what a monster he turned into to get his drugs, not that he was all that charming to begin with, believe me. I hung around with him enough to know, but that’s a jolly story for another day.

Mikey says that all this drug use stems from the trauma of losing his band and that he quit cold turkey once because he thought he had a chance at playing again. When that didn’t pan out, he was back at daddy’s house smoking the pipe.

Boredom, he says. Depression, Drew says. Either way, he heads outside to smoke and pace around the pool. 10 to 1 says he’s fiending right now, and shouldn’t he be in a hospital bed? Kicking that much shit can kill you, and methadone can be worse than heroin.

Checking in with those that don’t really have a problem, DenRod still won’t pee. Sit on his bladdar, Shelly. You’d have my permission, only he might get turned on, and we don’t need you getting in line at the abortion clinic with Heidi. You’re too needed here.

And poor baby DenRod is bored. He doesn’t want to swim, or read, or talk or even play checkers. Boo hoo. Give it up, Shelly. You are not his freaking cruise director and this isn’t a spa. She’s too nice to him. Maybe he’s charming her and they edited it out. Doubt it.

Enough of that, the queen bee has arrived. Mackenzie Phillips, she of One Day At A Time and daughter of John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas.

The freakiest thing about that story is that she allowed it to continue into adulthood. I simply cannot wrap my brain around that one. If there was any clear proof that this woman is ill, then look no further. What more do you need? Wilson Phillips to sing it for ya?

I’ve heard her story so many times that I could tell it without even watching this show, and I’m pretty sure that I was reading about it in People magazine when I was still wearing jammies with feet in them.

So, her dad taught her to roll joints before she could speak and she was snorting coke during nap time in nursury school. Her diapers smelled like opiates and she got a bong on her first birthday. Got it.

Who to play her in a bio-pic? Problem solved.

Call me mean but blaming your fucked up family for your addiction is getting old. But she’s always done it and she always will. She’s so wrapped up in being an addict that she has allowed it to define herself as a human being. I sure hope that Dr. Drew can help her with that because that is no way to live.

Her story is that she considers herself a sort of pioneer in the world of child stars gone wrong. She got kicked off her show for doing drugs and her dad shot her up with coke at 17. She got clean at 32 for ten years but nobody paid any attention to her so she started using again. Oh, I’m sorry. I meant to say that she had chronic pain (in the ass) syndrome which led her back to drugs, and when someone figures out what the hell that is, you go ahead and give me a call and tell me.

A couple of years ago, she got caught in an L.A. airport with coke and heroin and her little sister Bijou had to bail her out of jail. How did she repay her?

I’m sorry but I am having a hard time liking this gal. Could you tell?

She is 49, looks 59 and when Dr. Drew interviews her about the trauma that led to smoking pot at eleven, she says that she prefers not to talk about it. She’s saving it for the book.

They don’t really address the consequences of her actions, but stick to her triggers- this disease of chronic pain and her dad’s death from alcoholism. I hope that it was nice and long and painful and that the devil is dancing on his skull to the dulcet tones of ‘Monday, Monday’ as we speak, but that’s just me.

She goes out to hang with Mike and they bond over their ignorance of who Mindy is. Don’t they watch The Insider? Sheesh.

Next up is Lisa D’Amato. She was the wild one from cycle 5 of America’s Next Top Has-Been Never-Was Model. That was the last season that I watched in its’ entirety so I remember her diaper wearing antics well.

She says that she doesn’t have a drinking problem but is shown drunkenly exposing her undies in a limo. She has modeled here and there since she was 12 but now she’s an electro-rap artist and DJ and spends plenty of time in clubs around booze. She smokes pot, has done speed and mushrooms but it’s no biggie since she can handle it. Where have I heard that before?

She must have been through some serious shit because my eyes go ‘booooiiiing!’ when she says she’s 28. I don’t know what it is because her skin looks good, but she looks like she done passed 30 ten years ago.

This is rich- she tells Dr. Drew that no one has ever told her that she has a problem. He brings up ANTM and she says that she drank to deal with the other bitches on the show. Now she only drinks when she’s in the clubs. Or a bar. Or when the sun shines. Or when a baby is born in China.

She started drinking at 12, no big deal, she only went to school drunk like twice in the 7th grade. Wait, what? You did what? Was there a full bar in your middle school cafeteria? Did you go to school in Xenia with Gummo? I’m confused.

It turns out that there were some major problems at home. There were a lot of men coming in and out of the house, some of whom sexually abused her starting in the 3rd grade. Yikes.

I’m not clear on whether this was her mother’s home or her stepmothers (they bleeped it out) so I’ll just say mom to keep it simple. Anyway, she told this mom of hers about the abuse and would get hit in return or told that she didn’t know what she was talking about. Sad. Her sister was abused too.

He tells her that she needs to stop smiling through her tears since that means that she’s trying to mask her pain.

She says that she’s not angry anymore since her mom didn’t realize what she was doing to her, that and mommy is mentally ill. I think that she needs to GET angry and stop making excuses for her abuser. At least her mom is out of her life, but she still thinks that she doesn’t have a problem. THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?

And, since when is it not normal to use alcohol to relax? I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with Dr. Drew on this one. Maybe it’s my disease talking. Ha ha ha ha, she says, as she takes a sip of wine.

One thing is for sure. As old as Lisa looks, she has nothing on Miss Heidi Fleiss. Damn. Girl was rough way back in the 90s when she went to jail for running a prostitution ring (something she is very proud of) but now she looks like she’s on death’s door.

Heidi had it all at age 27, the cars, the mansion, the money, and drugs were just party favors to her. Then she did three years in prison and her world came tumbling down. In direct contrast to Mackenzie, there is something inherently likable about Heidi. Victimless crime or not, she’s a self made woman, she never sold out her rich, famous clients and she’s a straight shooter. I’d love to party with her. Oh, wait. Maybe not.

She loves her meth and uses xanax and valium to come down. She’s another one who says that she has bad taste in men and now she lives alone with 20 parrots in the middle of the desert in Death Valley. How appropriate. It’s almost too perfect, living with birds surrounded by death. It’s a short story by Poe, for real.

She talks about how she was madly in love with Tom Sizemore until he beat her and then went to prison. Now he disgusts her. Things should get interesting when he shows up at rehab. Stunt casting, anyone?

So, she’s really lonely and embarrassed to be in rehab but if she doesn’t do this she’s afraid that she’ll never get laid again. I mean, who wants to fuck the crazy bird lady? Guys who diddle crazy cat ladies?

She has an interesting little chat with Shelly where she asks her if this is going to be a real rehab or if it’s just for TV. Yep, it’s real.

Shelly tells her that she used to do crack and heroin, that she was a “crawler and a creeper and a closet dweller.” Heidi’s eyes light up and she remarks that it’s all cool, she’s known hookers who did the same and when she finds out that Shelly sold her body for drugs, well, how do I describe the smile on Heidi’s face?

She goes in for her interview with Dr. Drew, clearly on the prowl. Girlfriend is positively itching to get laid. She runs her hands through her hair dozens of times, gives him that cheshire scarecrow grin of hers and tells him that he’s a sex symbol now. He says that it isn’t true but who’s in denial now? I have straight and gay friends who would love to take a bite outta that, and did you see the topless pics of him on vacation?

He asks her if she is allergic to medication of any kind. No, doctor, it’s allergic to HER, if anything, but she’s never smoked and doesn’t drink. Yay! Too bad about all that meth, though.

She tells him that she’s been pregnant a few times but had abortions, something that is sure to stir up more controversy just like it did when she said it on Celebrity Big Brother in Britain earlier this week. What was it? “Thank God for abortion or I’d be the mother of 20 by now,” I beleive.

Personally, I could care less. It’s probably a good thing that she’s not a mother. It’s just not exactly a sign of being a responsible adult when abortion is your form of birth control.
Anyhoo, she’s on a drug that is supposed to help wean her off vicodin but he’d rather she go cold turkey. Not going to happen. He relents and she gets to taper off for one more day. If Mindy doesn’t steal it first, that is.

When Dr. Drew brings up 12 step programs, she says that they are for losers. No, honey, they are for quitters. Nyuk, nyuk, sorry about that.

Everyone she met at meetings wanted to borrow money from her, or wanted something from her anyway, and it made her want to use even more.

She’s lonely and wants to meet a nice guy but those drugs, they cure the boredom and fill the void like nothing else, eh, Dr. Drew? She actually winked at him here! Aiiyaiyai.
And who is watching all those birds while she’s gone? Charlie Sheen?

At this point DenRod finally pees. All clear. No surprise. and no, they didn’t show the ‘worm’. Bummer.

Joey from the Real World Hollywood shows up next. he flipped out on that show, screaming and hitting himself on the head with his own fist. Another healthy individual. He says that it wasn’t the drinking so much as the cocaine. I’m going to go out on a limb and throw in steroids as well.

MTV suggested he go to rehab, which he did for 28 days. He then got on a plane to go home and promptly ordered a Jack and Coke. I guess what he’s trying to tell us is that rehab didn’t quite take.

Next they show him at a friend’s house being handed coke and exstacy like they were candy and he starts snorting. Holy crap, he has some crazy eyes. Like, super scary. Charles Manson scary.

He says that he knows that if he doesn’t stop he’ll end up either in jail, an institution or dead. He prefers the X and coke to alcohol. He only drinks to bring himself down from the other stuff. He has a super high tolerance to pretty much everything.

Ed Hardy intervention, STAT!
The real reason for rehab is that he knocked up his girlfriend and he needs to get clean for her and the kid. His parents were abusive/drug abusers and he wants to end the cycle. Here’s to you, kid. I hope you succeed. Only thing, I’m not so sure it’s going to matter if you don’t lay off the juice. Am I right or am I right?

They don’t delve into his situation too much but they do show his phone conversation with his girlfriend. She sounds supportive and they joke a little about detox. Cuz detox is so HILARIOUS, all that sweating and skin crawlies- laff riot, Gasmii, absolute gigglefest.

It’s 8:30 so it must be time for Group. Bob is in the house! I love Bob. He cracks me up and he’s not afraid of anybody, not even Rodman. Not that he speaks Rodman, not fluently, no one but Dennis does, but he sure can laugh at him which makes him an instant hero.

They introduce themselves, Makenzie first. She says that she’s been clean for 8 months but she’s there because there can never be too much help for someone with her history. Amen to that.

Lisa tells everyone in the group about her abuse and says that she’s there to find out if she’s an addict and if ten more people show up to her DJ night at Club Whatever, it was all worth it, right?

Heidi says that she’s lonely and because she’s alone and can do whatever she wants, she does piles of crystal meth. And how.

Here’s where I need my English to Rodman dictionary. He mumbles some crap about pleasing the ‘court’ again, says that they don’t know that he’s got a problem.
“They just assume it,” sayeth the Bob.

Rodman runs with this idea and then points around the room and says that he sees people like THEM all the time but he isn’t one of THEM. He will DEIGN to listen to THEM because 80% of his friends are like THEM.

Oh, your HIGHNESS! Thank you so much for condescending to be in the presence of addicts! So GENEROUS of you!

He then makes sure to point out that he also hangs out with straight guys like the good doctor but his mind is waaaay beyond THEM and he’s all Zen and shit, he has it all figured out already and he can do anything he wants, “It’s as simple as that.”

Is he there for the comic relief? Because what the fuck is he talking about? Is this research for a parody on SNL?

I love that Bob laughs in his face, and jokes about it being his first day and then laughs some more. Awesome. DenRod’s ego couldn’t be bigger and would someone get him a larger chair? This is some Alice in Wonderland “eat me- drink me’ shit.

I mean, didn’t they get Mini-Me all that tiny furniture when he was on The Surreal Life? Why can’t they get some big stuff for His Highness? Oh well. I’ll just sit back and wait for him to go cuckoo over it.

At the end of the meeting Drew says that some other people may be joining them. Why? Is someone leaving? Wasn’t there enough drama? Do they want to drive Heidi crazy? Or does Joey go to jail? Oy. We’ll just have to wait.

Meanwhile, it’s detox time. They all head to sleep without their security blanket of pills and booze. Poor Shelly has to take everybody’s vitals and Mike flips out because of the light from the camera. Don’t they have night vision? Not cool. And this is just the beginning.

And for those of you who were so kind to me when we lost our Border Collie during Megan Wants A Millionaire, I would like you to meet our new Sheltie, Boomer! Her birthday is May 10th, she’s really smart and has a cute hillbilly overbite that causes her tongue to protrude when she sleeps- take a look-see.

And yes, she’s named after BSG’s Sharon. You should see her fly over those Vipers! They’re all over the backyard (little known fact about Cleveland Heights- it’s a Cylon stronghold. Shhhh, don’t tell anybody).

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore