Celebrity Rehab: Get With It Or Get The Hell Out

I hope everybody remembered their hankies again this week because it was another big tear jerker. Does Dr. Drew own stock in Kleenex? Puffs? He should. Between this endless cold and my weekly bawling sessions, my supply is rapidly dwindling, and I buy them in great big giant three packs.

Let’s see, last week we had Mama Staley bringing the sads and a dog being put down before that. Now, what? Kids, that’s what, crying for their moms and revealing the frightened sadness and frustration a child feels when their parent chooses booze or drugs over caring for them. It touches your heart, how can it not? A lot of us have been there and know exactly how it feels. Hearing that one kid say he tried to kill himself three times was devastating. Having sick parents sucks.

We begin this week with all but one of the patients returning to the PRC after the family dinner, and a rehash of Heidi leaving with her bird. Mack says that Miss Fleiss is going to get high if she doesn’t come back and Drew voice overs that it’s common for addicts to act out when they get this close to leaving rehab. It’s time to shit or get off the pot, face your issues, make a plan and some people get freaked out.

This next scene completely grosses me out. I do not appreciate having to watch Sizemore smack Carrion’s barely concealed ass in his bed. What is this fuckery? She should not be allowed anywhere near any male patient’s room EVER. The idea of the two of them procreating scares me even more than the thought of him doing it with Heidi, but I guess I shouldn’t be so shocked. Meth heads seem to attract their own kind.

She skips her ass crack out of his room but not before asking him to paint her boobies. Lovely. It’s behaviour more fitting for one of those fabulous Playboy parties, not rehab. How can she not know this? Oh, that’s right. She’s a borderline personality. She acts on impulse.

Tom eventually drags his schlubby self out to the patio where Carrion and Mikey are having a charming conversation about how her tits make boys happy, and boy oh boy does Carrion like to make boys happy. All I can do is sit and watch her take her top off and wonder who sexually abused her as a little girl and is he alive and creating more future Carrions as we speak. It makes me want to puke.

Gross. She’s kinda let herself go, by the way. She has a decent sized pooch for such a small girl and her body is getting flabby. If she wants to spend time with boys so badly, she should think about working out with Rodman in the morning. That’s all he seems to like doing. Even now, he’s smoking at the table and barely paying attention to her girls coming out to play.

Tom declines to participate because he doesn’t want to get thrown out but Mikey has no such qualms. He’s bored and he probably hasn’t seen any boobs in a while, so he gets right to it. He manages to get through painting on the bikini top just before Loesha comes out, but Carrion is just sitting there with her tits hanging out, like she just doesn’t care.

This girl lives in a moral vacuum. If she doesn’t care about herself, that’s one thing but she’s getting Mikey in trouble too. Is there any line she won’t cross? Is there anything that is off limits, or does she want attention at any cost?

I do not know, it’s just that the more I watch her the more I beleive that she needs years and years of hardcore psychoanalysis, instead of threatening other people’s sobriety by encouraging them to act impulsively. That’s partly how they became addicts in the first place, and it’s exactly the behaviour they need to be unlearning at the PRC.

Loesha asks Carrion if she remembers what the rules say about nudity. I’d be surprised if she even read them before she signed on to do the show. She acts like nudity should be no big deal because this isn’t sex rehab, it’s for drugs.

She gets sent to her room and then Lisa turns tattletale and we find out about more of our little charmer’s naughtiness.

It seems that she spent Family Day going commando. That’s right, no panties. Maybe she couldn’t find any in that mess of a room of hers. Anyway, she flashed all the boys her hoo-hah and asked them to share their thoughts and opinions. Dear God. What is she, a compulsive prostitute? And after that, I’m surprised that any of them can still see.

Loesha says that she’s going to her room to talk to her and Rodman wants to know why. He says that it’s not going to change anything. He’s probably right but that’s beside the point. Dude has a terribly jaded attitude. He must be an absolute joy to be around.

I will share one thing with you, Gasmii. I read somewhere that there’s a pretty good chance that he has some form of Aspergers. I don’t know if that’s true or if it’s just the illness du jour but you can barely go a day lately without reading or hearing about someone else being diagnosed with it. For a while I even thought that one of my relatives might have it. I still don’t know. It’s something that is diagnosed by behaviour, not actual physical symptoms so it’s a slippery slope if you ask me.

At any rate, Loesha can’t get a straight answer out of Carrion. At first she says that she didn’t do it on purpose but then she says that she did it as a joke. I think she did it because she does whatever she feels like doing whenever she feels like doing it. She wants maximum attention with minimal consequences, much like most everyone else in Hollywood. She’s going to agree to whatever explaination will get her out of trouble.

It turns out that this whole nudity thing is a serious breach of the rules. That’s not surprising. What’s surprising is that Carrion says that she didn’t think that sex was against the rules. What? Did she damage her brain so badly with the meth that she forgot all about being in rehab for sex addiction? Girl is goofy.

Nice junkie painting. It doesn’t even begin to address all her problems, though.

But she smiles when she apologizes to Loesha and takes her punishment of having to stay in her room. I hope there’s a birth control pill in the little med cup they give to them in the morning. We don’t need any little monsters running around and I’m sure she’ll take it if they just tell her it’s her daily dose of adderal.

It’s 7a.m. on Day 18 and Shelly wastes no time telling Carrion and Mikey to pack their stuff. Did you get excited, Gasmii? It’s okay, you can admit it. I sure will. The thought of her leaving was almost enough to pull me out of my Winter funk. The only thing is, it’s going to take her forever to clean her disgusting room. They should just give her a few extra large Hefty bags and call it a day.

Shelly tells them to go straight to the administration office when they are done and principal Drew will call them in at his earliest convenience. What I wouldn’t give for him to dole out some swats.

It’s not to be, and Drew asks Mikey a couple of questions. Mikey says that he’ll do whatever it takes in order to be allowed to stay and even says “Yes, sir,” when Drew leaves for his pow-wow with Shelly et al.

I swear, sometimes Mikey still seems like he’s on drugs. He never, ever seems lucid. I’d be scared to see what Dr. Amen’s brain scan of him would look like. There’s probably as much activity up there as there would be in a sleeping salamander or one of those planaria critters we spliced in two under our microscopes in biology class.

They have their meeting with Bob and Shirley to decide what to do about this terrible insubordination. The Bob says that one of them has to be relocated, Shirley is in favor of 24 hour restrictions but isn’t isolating a bad thing? Shelly wants them kicked out but she hates them both so take that for whatever it’s worth.

She says that she doesn’t think that this environment is working for Mikey but she doesn’t cite anything specific to back her story up. Don’t you love this? There is one person who clearly shouldn’t be there but they don’t say one single thing about him. I’m talking about Tom, of course.

They took careful steps to make sure that Monroe was put into a different facility but then again, she’s not FAMOUS. This is still sticking in my craw, obviously. What they did to Heidi sucks. I’ll get to that again in a moment.

Shelly says that she wants to keep the unit safe and I understand that. Things are unstable right now with Heidi gone and boobies being exposed. I don’t personally have a problem with nudity but Carrion has sex addict issues so yeah, not such a good idea. I say let’s get rid of her please. Guess who agrees? ALL the girls.

They are having a little meeting of their own about the situation, and bash Carrion pretty harshly. They go back and forth on who is to blame and Lisa decides on Carrion because without her, this would have never happened. Strange logic, to say the least. That’s like blaming your burn on the sun when you knew damn well enough to put on some sunscreen. It’s too simple.

As much as I want Carrion to leave I don’t want it to be because of bad logic. If one goes, they both should. What I would do doesn’t matter though, and Drew decides to put them on a 24 hour restriction. They only get to leave their rooms for structured group activities. So, owie, that hurt Dr Drew! Another slap on the wrist.

That is where we are headed now, to group and finding out how everybody feels about all this. Tom says that he’s glad they weren’t kicked out.

Can you imagine? What would he do without a chick to grope and Mikey kissing his ass all day? Oh, and if they’re still together at the present time, I would love to know Monroe’s take on all this. I hope she beats his ass and puts HIM in a hospital for a change.

Mack says that she’s pissed because they aren’t facing any consequences for their actions. I have to agree. Can’t they at least force them to clean some pots and pans with Dennis, or are they afraid of the mess Carrion will probably make of the kitchen? This 24 hour restriction doesn’t mean anything. Carrion spends most of her time in her room anyway and Mikey will just throw on his headphones and listen to Dirt for the billionth time.

I won’t repeat Joey’s argument because it was idiotic but Mindy says that she’s pissed and it’s not okay to expose people to your cootchie clam because if Carrion had done what she did in public she’d be in jail right now. Okay, sure, but she didn’t do it in public. She did it on a private patio, not in front of an elementary school. Calm down.

Everyone is getting their hackles up and I wonder if it’s because Carrion is the scapegoat for their anger or if some people go through a period where everything is black and white to them when they first get sober. I think it’s a little bit of both. They are groping around for a new moral compass and this is an easy way to start.

They talk about the group unravelling and Joey says that if he got kicked out he would head for the nearest pile of coke. That’s his way of saying that he doesn’t want them to leave but it’s also tad manipulative, dontcha think? If you kick me out, I’ll use. Not very constructive.

Mindy is hella pissed still. She wants to know how Carrion could do such a dirty nasty thing. Carrion admits that it was a stupid move on her part and then Lisa butts in with “You’re the reason boys think it’s okay to call me a slut.” Whoa, girl. Back it up a tad. The Bob intervenes and says that making such a blanket statement like that is putting a little too much on Carrion’s shoulders. She is not to blame for the way women are abused in videos or movies or any other way. He asks Lisa to step back a bit and ask HERSELF why society does that to women.

She doesn’t have an answer. Were you thinking what I was thinking, and asking yourself why it wasn’t said by SOMEBODY? What are we talking about here? Accountability. Until that kind of unacceptable behaviour is universally condemned, until people are held accountable and face consequences for their misogyny, it will continue to be a part of our culture. It’s something that has to be chipped at, little by little, person by person. It’s a way bigger problem than Carrion taking her clothes off and viewing her worth as solely sexual, but that shouldn’t let her off the hook. If they have to fit her with a chastity belt and Gorilla Glue those undies on, so be it.

Carrion and Mindy go back and forth over whether or not they’ve been in the same types of relationships, nothing gets solved and no repercussions are discussed and The Bob finally asks her directly why she did it. That was one of the things I was waiting for someone to do but he ruined it by putting words in her mouth. He asks if she was bored and she says yes.

The other thing I was waiting for gets brought up by Tom. He says that he told her no but it takes two to tango and our little Mikey In Chains is getting left off the hook, and that’s not fair.

When asked why he painted the boobies, he gives the only sane answer he can give, even if it is reduced to the same emotion some seven year old might use when explaining why he tripped Sally in the lunch line. “I like Carrion, I have feelings for her.” Dude, you would fuck the potted plant in the corner if nobody was looking. Hell, you’d probably do Shelly too, if I showed you how she and Avril Lavigne were seperated at birth.

We end the meeting with The Bob saying that getting sober makes you feel empty and you try to fill the void by obsessing over something or someone. I say, if you are having feelings for Carrion, you need your head examined but nobody confused Mikey with a sane person, now did they?

It’s time to talk about Heidi. The Bob says that she’s probably using crystal meth to fill the void she developed in rehab. He says that she started to care for everybody and Drew chimes in with saying that that’s probably why she split.

She’d much rather hate people than deal with those icky feelings and that ends up demeaning the process and becoming an excuse to use. Maybe she just wanted to hang with her bird buddies for a while. I would be running too, if I had to look at Sizemore every single day, and look at everyone blowing candy kisses up his skirt.

And yeah, I’m super happy for you, Tom, because your good friend Robert Downey Jr. got his shit together and worked the program. Now please refrain from name dropping in group.

One more thing, Drew voice overs that they all learned a valuable lesson about consequences today. My mouth hit my lap when I heard that. Where were these so-called consequences? Did they take away Mikey’s headphones or confiscate Carrion’s makeup kit? Cuz I don’t remember seeing that.

It’s Day 18 now and little nightmare is taking her good old time getting ready. I don’t know about you but when I’m late for something, I panic. When someone else makes me late, I sometimes fly into a rage. I keep waiting for Shelly to grab her by the extensions and drag her out of her room. That seems reasonable to me.

Today they are taking a field trip to SHIELDS, a facility that allows children to stay with their parents as they go through rehab. It’s basically what Charlie Sheen’s wife just did with her twins, just not as ritzy.

Carrion doesn’t want to participate. When DOES she?
I did not watch sex rehab so somebody give me a clue. Why does Drew allow her to skip this? Am I right about child sex abuse going down in her life? That has to be it. They coddle her so much.

I don’t know, though. This shows brings up more questions than it answers. She tells Drew that she loves kids but she isn’t in a place right now where she can be around them without losing it. She said something about them being able to read her and everyone will just end up a big bubbering mass of emotion. If I were Drew, I’d be reaching for the prescription pad and getting the girl some Wellbutrin or something.

Instead, she waits outside in a rocking chair. What’s she going to learn by doing that?

The rest of the group is ushered into a room with a handfull of kids, get introduced to the director and sit down to watch a video of some of the kid’s experiences. I go from anger at Carrion to a puddle in about 0.5 seconds.

These poor kids! What a life they’ve already led, and they have the guts and maturity to sit in front of a camera and talk about it in order to help others. Most of their stories boil down to having mothers that hit them and yelled for no reason. One little girl would get left with strangers while her mom was off doing drugs. The 17 year old boy would get so angry and upset with his situation that he tried to kill himself three times. Thank God he didn’t succeed.

Another kid chronicles the trauma of having the police came to his house and take his mom away. He brightens up when he describes how she is getting better, is more sensitive and strict and even more beautiful now that she’s clean. She must lose it when she sees this and hears him say how proud he is of her.

This should be required viewing for any addicts with children. They all have addicted moms and even after all they have been put through, they love them. The dads, not so much. One little girl described meeting her dad for the first time, only to have him freak her out by kissing and hugging her before he earned the right to.

It’s such a sad situation. On one hand I want to blame the dads for not giving a crap about the kids they sired, but on the other I want to berate the women for choosing to have kids with such deadbeat men. You can’t win in this situation and it’s the kids who lose the most. I hope and pray that they grow up to end the cycle, to learn from the mistakes of their parents.

It’s a class thing too. Don’t hate on me before I explain myself. Think back to when you were in school. This is the time when many things begin to ingrain themselves on your cultural psyche. If you were lucky, your parents were happily married and you had a stable home. If your parents divorced or were never married, the chances were overwhelmingly good that you would be living in an apartment, not a home of your own, and you’d be on some form of assistance.

Once that happens, you adapt. Rationalisation takes over and it becomes almost acceptable. Some kids make it their life’s purpose to rise above, but too many don’t and they end up right where their parents were. It takes a really good single parent to drill the desire for better into their kids, and to back it up with the proper encouragement, getting them into Big Brothers and Sisters for example. I applaud anyone who takes this on. I have friends who tutor, friends who mentor and I have done it in the past and I encourage you, if you have the time, to donate some. You get back so much more than you give, this I guarantee. Sometimes it truly does take a village to raise a child.

Okay. I’m going to get off my soapbox. Sometimes there are things that I have to get off my chest.

Back to the kids. Mikey tells them that they’re very brave to be going through all this with such strength and dignity. Okay, he didn’t say the strength and dignity part but his vocabulary is not up to par so I thought I’d help him out.

The kids ask them some questions and the little girl says that they seem like they would be fun to hang out with, something she may not have felt if Carrion was there, so maybe it’s a good thing she wasn’t.

I hope that Joey and Dennis were paying very close attention to all this. I hope they listened really really hard to the pain in those kids voices. Mindy too. I’d include Mack who is the only other parent but God knows she doesn’t need anyone to tell her how tough it is for kids. Tom, I don’t know. I didn’t see him again. Is he STILL detoxing? Dayum.

Back at the PRC Joey is talking to Shelly about how he’s there to get clean for his kid. I applaud him for doing this before his child is even born. He should look into those issues he has with women too, maybe keep Layne Staley’s Mom’s thoughts on living a simple life in the back of his mind instead of milking every ounce of his ill gotten fame.

Shelly tells him that it’s fine to say that getting clean for your kid is what got you to enter rehab but STAYING clean, that you have to do for yourself. I get her logic. People come and go, but you are always there. What would he do if his girlfriend lost the baby? Use that as an excuse to use? Probably. The poor guy just isn’t all that smart. I sure hope that he takes advantage of the Sober House. He needs to be led by the hand through this entire process.

Lisa is busy taking down Heidi’s bird pictures. They asked her to get all of her belongings and put them on her bed. That kinda sucks. She’s lonely now without a roommate and she is being forced to touch that person’s stuff. What if there’s bird crap on it? Gross. I got shit on by a bird at an Indians’ game once. That stuff is NASTY. Thank God it was my coat and not my hair. My mother in law thought it was hilarious. I think it made her week. Damn seagulls. They’re like freaking Kamikaze pilots in that stadium.

Miss Fleiss wrecked her car too. She was heading back to Parrump, Nevada when she lost control and flipped her car. The Bob is recruited to be the official picker-upper again so he drives out to check up on her. What is that, like five hours of driving? I sure hope the van has an iPod dock.

He finds her sweeping up in her laundromat, aptly called ‘Dirty Laundry,’ like nothing ever happened, not a scratch on her. Bob says that drug addicts lie like it’s second nature to them so instead of asking her IF she used, he asks her WHAT. Cute. She says she’s clean. How long does meth stay in your system? Google says 3-4 days, so we’ll find out soon enough if she is telling the truth.

She’s still insisting that she left because of the big fuss that Loesha made over her bird. Bob tells her that he thinks she ran because she started liking people again and it scared her. You know what? I’d be scared too. Look at all her personal relationships. They have all sucked. She never mentions her family, though. That I find strange.

They go to the impound lot to look at her car and it’s pretty messed up. I’ve seen worse, but it’s a miracle no one got hurt. Bob tells her that she must have nine lives and thank goodness for that. Her family lost one of her brothers a few weeks ago. Imagine if that had come on the heels of losing Heidi as well.

The Bob asks her if she is ever going to mellow out and she agrees to come back to rehab. Yay! I’m glad. I heard that she’s also going to do Sober House, so double yay! Unfortunately, so is Sizemore. Puke. The good news? She lets him have it in the next episode. I CANNOT WAIT. I may actually watch it live for a change, instead of falling asleep by nine like I usually do, clutching my ‘Tussin.

When she arrives, she races into her room and gives Lisa a huge hug in her bed. Awww, she IS getting attatched to people. Lisa tells her that she’s mad at her for leaving and that she’s emotionally drained because of it. She’s probably still picking birdseed out from under her nails too, and for what?

Loesha comes a knocking, needling Heidi for her pee. Heidi tells her that she can’t because she’s still high. Haha, I still love you, Heidi. Never change. Except for maybe deflating that huge upper lip of yours a little. That would be cool.

She pisses clean, so suck it, Bob. I am so glad. I thought that she wouldn’t be getting high and I was right. Why would she come back if she was using again? She got to see her birds and checked up on her business, she’s almost back to normal. Normal for her, anyway.

She gets her crap off the bed, gets in it and tells Lisa about her accident. She tells her that everyone was wearing their seatbelt (was the bird in a cage?) because she has a tendency to speed. Did you hear that Nevada Highway Patrol?! Big dummy. Never say that on television. I wonder if she got anything more than a wreckless op citation.

Anyhoo, she’s mad at herself for putting her bird and her friend in harm’s way. She almost got everyone killed and she’s lucky as hell that she didn’t hit another car. I’d get some xrays if I were her. Sometimes injuries don’t really show up for months. A hurt neck could become a debilitating condition a few years down the road.

The sun rises on Day 19, bringing the Kraken out of her cave again. The group sometimes goes to 12 Step meetings outside of the facility with Bob and it’s time to leave for another one. Normally, we wouldn’t know this since those anonymous meetings aren’t filmed but since Carrion has decided to pitch another fit, we do.

She’s TIRED again. From what? Staring at herself in the mirror? Trying to figure out which pile of crap her underwear is hiding in? Let’s see. Aside from a few meetings, naked boobie painting and flashing her crotch during the family weekend, what exactly has she done to prepare herself for sobriety? Absolutely nothing.

This is why I get so mad at her and the producers for allowing her to be on the show. She needs really serious help, away from TV cameras. People love to hate her, no doubt about it, but stop this nonsense before she ruins Sober House for everyone! Too late. She’s going to be on that too. Aaarrrrrrrgggh!

She’s too tired to attend an AA meeting but she sure isn’t so exhausted that she can’t drag her butt to call her agent to come get her. He isn’t having it, by the way so good for him. Mack asks her no to go and the Carrion expletives start flying.

She goes to he room, fuming because she isn’t getting her way and throws a bottle of hairspray at the camera. She has surprisingly good aim. She should join one of those sober softball teams I’ve heard about in L.A., if she makes it that far.

Loesha threatens to put her hands on her if she’s throwing things. Shut up, Loesha. Shut it or put her in a straight jacket already, but quit it with the threats of physical violence. It doesn’t make you any more attractive or scary, I promise.

Carrion comes back out of her room and asks for her cell phone. Loesha gives it to her and she heads out the door with it. Goodbye. Go ahead and leave if you can’t handle behaving like a decent human being. Leave the rehab to those who want to get better.

Mindy goes after her, wipes the tears from her eyes and very nicely pleads with her not to leave before they can graduate together. I have to hand it to her, that’s a hell of a lot more than most people would do. You just never know when she’s going to turn on you. Get this girl proper meds, please!

Loesha says that she’s not going to chase some drama queen down the street but she goes out anyway to inform her that if she leaves the grounds she will be dismissed. It doesn’t matter because her ride arrives and two guys named Rock Star and Brian (what, he couldn’t come up with a similarly stupid name?) come and get her. She drives away. Boo freaking hoo.

I honestly don’t care if she comes back. If I never have to recap another one of her stupid displays of brattitude, I can die a happy person. Like I said before, not everyone can be saved and sometimes when nature doesn’t take care of her mistakes, people have to do it for her. Drugs may be the end of her and as sad as that might be to people that care about her, face the facts. If she doesn’t get her shit together and take advantage of this life saving opportunity, then let someone else take her place! Done, done and done.

I’ll see you all next time when Mack gets a new place and Heidi puts Tom in his. TEAM HEIDI all the way.

Here’s the new trailer for Sober House which starts on March 11th.

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore