Celebrity Rehab: 100% Attrition With An 80% Chance of Relapse

Don’t blame me. Those are the facts, or as near to the facts as you can get with addicts. Within one year of rehab, 80% will relapse. I hope our group does better.

It’s been a long nine weeks for us Gasmii, but only 3 for the patients, and the day of reckoning is upon us.

Some have made remarkable strides while others have barely begun to make any progress whatsoever. Either way, they have a long road ahead of them and when they look back on this day, I hope it’s with renewed clarity and thanks for everything the good doctor and his staff have done for them.What an emotional rollercoaster. I can honestly say that this show has delivered everything it promised. I have my misgivings and critisisms still, but as far as good television is concerned, this show deserves an Emmy. I learned quite a bit and I hope that the PRC staff watched themselves and learned something as well. As for the patients? PLEASE. You KNOW they were watching.

First things first, and that means we have to deal with Carrion leaving the premises. Drew has to come back to the PRC in the middle of the night in his off-hours wardrobe of holey jeans and shlubby track jacket. He’s not such a tall drink of water when he isn’t rocking the white collars, not to me anyway.

Loesha tells him what happened and he wonders if he should allow her to graduate.

He says, “I’m not happy, not happy at all,” the same way I would say, “honey, I put your vitamins on the kitchen counter.” Lah-dee-frickin’ dah. The only way you can tell that he’s upset is his furrowed brow. Thank God he doesn’t have botox like the other half of L.A. He’d be completely inscrutable.

If he’s really trying to figure out if Carrion should get to move on to Sober Living, I have a really simple way that he can do that. Anyone that worked the program can go. Anyone that actually achieved the unthinkable by creating new people they have to make amends to while in rehab? Get to the back of the bus.

If she wasn’t famous, she’d be on the street already. But she’s also achieved some measure of noteriety in this messed up celebrity culture of ours so Drew asks Heidi to call her. She does, says hello and then Drew chimes in with, “What’s up?”

She’s TIRED, she effing hates the place, WAAAAAAH. She says that she’s sober and when they ask her to come back she says that it’s the last thing she wants to do and hangs up.

I wish that I could say that the phone call I just described was the last we would hear of the little twat, but I’d be lying. Drew never gives up on anyone EVER. He does admit that he can’t help those that don’t want the help but he gets my hopes up for nothing by saying that he hates to see her throw away SUCH IMPROVEMENT.

What? Where is this so-called improvement? It must have all happened off camera cuz I don’t remember a lick of it. This rehab lingo is some topsy turvy stuff. Maybe he just forgot to say ‘lack’ between ‘such’ and ‘improvement.’ I’m sure he has a lot on his mind.

The next morning is reserved for Mack. Do you remember how fubar her home was before she entered treatment? The blood on the bathroom ceiling

and the needle lined vanity table.

It had quite a bit of creepiness to it and would not be a healthy place for anyone to go back to, not even an experienced old codger like her.

Drew asks her if he can put together a team to spruce up the place so she doesn’t have to return to such a hell hole, and try to make her bath and bedroom a place to support sobriety instead of undermine it.

She gets all teary because she thought that she was just there to do a TV show. She didn’t think that this was going to end up being so real and that the people she met were going to care so much about her well being.

They are both excited and I’m excited for her too. I don’t know how she earns money other than that book she wrote, but I do know what a pain in the ass home improvement can be. I watch Holmes on Homes. That shit can get downright nasty and unbelievably frustrating, especially when you live in an older Dutch Colonial from the 1920s like Mr. McSlore and I do. Don’t get me started. I might start crying too.

Carrion has no such problems. Her home looks all nice and shiny and new. Her smushed face dog Buster is adorable. He may be the best thing about her. You tell me.

She’s had a change of heart and decides to head back to rehab. I think she just wanted a new weave before graduation because it looks spiffed up when we see her back at her house. She drags her exposed buttcrack into the van and then spews something Drew said about it being bad to expose yourself to triggers, even if you have no intention of using.

We gave out twelve pounds of the crap this past year. I swear I saw some kids come back for seconds after switching masks. Best costume- Chris Brown. When I answered the door he started right in with the excuses. It was hilarious. I gave him one of the big bars and told him if he ever touched another woman I’d kick his ass. Turns out I had nothing to worry about. The kid’s in the theater department at the local High School. He hasn’t touched a female since ring around the rosey in kindergarten.

After Carrion tells Drew that she went home to throw out all her pipes, we head over to Mack’s refurbished living quarters. It’s worth mentioning that a gal named Stacy Dresher provided the renovation. She probably did it for free or a reduced fee, so kudos to her for helping a junkie out.

It’s much lighter and prettier in a subdued way, fresh and new to symbolise a fresh start. I hope she makes it this time. She could work for Dr. Drew or another facility. She sure knows enough about the disease.
Voila, zee new pad for zee old drugee:

They even refinished her syringe stained desk. Her son is there and gets teary as they marvel at the transformation.

That kid deserves a medal. Can you imagine having one of the world’s most famous junkies for your parent? Unreal, and why go to Sober House when your home looks great and your wonderful kid is there? I’ll be surprised if she does.

It’s the morning of the last day and everyone is packing. Heidi tells Lisa that it was a really good experience for her, it’s just too bad that Tom got to sleep through the whole thing. Lisa laughs but I, too have been thinking about that.

Some of you said that I was too harsh on Sizemore and while I still believe that he and Heidi should not have shared the same facility, I never said that he didn’t deserve treatment. I thought that they were too easy on him and put him on an unhealthy pedestal.

I’ve been wondering about all the times he didn’t participate, as well. Maybe he slept through treatment because they had him on some heavy barbiturates so he could sleep his way to sobriety. If he slept well, they wouldn’t have to worry as much about him taking off because the pain was so great. He and Mikey seemed BY FAR to be the most out of it and I think that’s because of the nature of opiate withdrawal. It’s HELL, but Mikey still made it to every single meeting and event, unlike Tommy Boy.

We’ll see how he does after the show when he’s off the barbs and completely sober. A lot of feelings are going to surface. I hope that he can handle it.

Drew says that it’s the end of rehab but only the beginning of their journey. He recommends Sober Living to everyone and I say, how can they resist? You get to talk about yourself all damn day, they film it AND you get paid. Sign ME up. We can work on my unhealthy addiction to golf, and save me some damn money. 18 holes ain’t cheap around here.

Heidi asks Dennis if he is going to Sober Living and he shrugs it off. He’s saving his good stuff for later, trust me. Mindy doesn’t say whether or not she’ll attend but Heidi sure is. She wasn’t going to but she’s been thinking about getting high a lot lately, so now she wants to go.

One thing we don’t need? Carrion’s messy ass. Look at the shape her room is in when she leaves it-

Drew says that he’s not completely satisfied with this crop of celeb rehabers. They’ve been difficult and some, like Dennis and Carrion, still haven’t fully come to terms with their addiction. he wants to make sure that they understand the severity of the situation so color me surprised when a bunch of limos pull up.

I thought, “That’s healthy, pile them into limousines and fete them like freaking movie stars, THAT’S what they need.” I thought that they were going to the Hollywood Bowl or something, but was relieved when they pulled up into a cemetery. How appropriate.

The dress code seems to be black, white or jeans and they file into a beautiful mausoleum. Carrion shuffles in first with a smile on her face like it’s no big deal to be in a room full of marble and dead people. I’m not going to be snide, I’m going to comment that she probably barely notices her surroundings because she’s welling up with pride at having accomplished something. This is way more important than some stupid beauty pageant.

It’s actually kind of pretty in there. Someone has lit candles all over the crypts and majestic stairway. It could be the setting for one of Mikey’s old band’s videos on MTV.

That’s why Dr. Drew has brought them all here, to hammer home the fact that they could all end up in graves if they don’t do Sober Living.

It’s a bit macabre but what the hell, so is actually dying.
Drew gets up to make his little speech and he gets right to the point. Everyone struggled and we got through it together so congrats BUT, stay grounded. The word that kept turning up in his mind was ‘gravity.’ He wanted to make sure that they understood the gravity of the situation, got out his book on etymology, hence the transition to graves.

Shucks. I thought that we were going to get to feast our eyes on some real dead people. If they were filming this right now maybe we would. I just read that Corey Haim died, from an overdose of course. I never watched any of that ‘Two Coreys’ show but I saw a clip on The Soup. That boy was talking about how sober he was while he was coked up out of his mind. I wonder if they ever tried to get him on the show. It’s too bad and I hope the Lindsay Lohans of the world are paying attention instead of filing frivolous lawsuits against E-Trade.

Speaking of washed up has-beens at age 23, Carrion is the first of the group to get up and speak. She tells them that everything is new to her, from feeling emotions to appreciating the love she receives from everyone there.

She also thanks everyone for putting up with her sorry ass. That’s the least she could do. She should be spit shining all their shoes and licking all their ashtrays clean with her tongue. That would be a nice start.

Mindy gets up to say that they both can learn from having crappy moms and she says that she’ll always be there for her

Drew says that he’s impressed by the amount of work she’s done and once again, what work? Was she even worse than what I saw? God help us if that’s true.

It’s Mikey’s turn and gets up and asks everyone how they’re doin.’ He’s such an overgrown kid. He grows on you. He thanks the PRC for saving his life. Tom gets up to say that he appreciates how super kind Mikey has been to him. He brings up the montage from family dinner night and this picture in particular:

It reminded him of how young they all were, especially their mutual dead friend Layne. He says that they aren’t kids anymore and they need to take recovery seriously because he doesn’t want to bury him too, not when he just got to know him. All true.

Drew gets up to commend him for staying strong through the toughest withdrawal, 130 mgms of Methadone a day isn’t easy to overcome. The camerman stalking could have been a lot worse. Ugh.

Are any of you out there still on the stuff? I hope and pray for you. As soon as you are able, please get off of it. It’s a life sucker and can become just as ingrained a habit as the heroin it’s supposed to replace.

I dated a guy that was on it in the early 90s. His life didn’t improve until he kicked it, and then it got drastically better. Night and day. I never saw him truly happy until he finally got clean and I thought I’d NEVER see the day. Never say never. If people like Mack and him can do it, you can too, and I don’t lie when I say that I’ll pray for you. I will. I just have to go back and look up your name. I have a shitty memory smetimes.

Heidi gets up, arms folded so she’s still carrying that wall that distances her from other people around. She says that sometimes months would go by and her phone wouldn’t ring but then she got the request to do the show. She got excited by the thought of being on TV and the opportunity to rejoin the human race.

Tom gets up to tell her that he’s sorry that he treated her so badly. Holy moly, he apologised in public. I’m amazed. Then he ruins it by lecturing her on how she’s killing herself with her birds and asks her to come home. What, to you? Or was that symbolism? Anyway, she bites her tongue. For now.

Mindy gets up and sounds like it was Wizard of Oz night in the dorm last night. She says something corny about discovering that the answers to all her problems were already inside her. Dorothy would be proud.

I don’t know why but I worry about her. The staff love her, even Loesha is tearing up. Drew calls her the angel of the group and yet I still worry. I can’t put my finger on it but somehow she sounds too good to be true, like she’s saying all the right things because she’s supposed to. Those tears sure look real.

Joey the ‘famous, why?’ guy gets up to say the exact kind of crap you’d expect to hear from a meathead of his caliber- that he has lots of goals to achieve and drugs were preventing him from reaching them. What goals? Is famewhoring something to strive for these days?

Maybe he was referring to fitness goals, bench pressing three times his weight or getting his balls to grow back.

Mack tells him to watch his anger and Drew tells him that he may still be young and healthy but he could die tomorrow just as easily as anyone there. Be motivated by that fear, not the new baby or the girlfriend he likes to hide money from.

The veteran gets up to speak and she is serious. Mack knows that this is it for her. If she doesn’t get it this time, she will die. If that wasn’t bad enough, she has to listen to Carrion tell her that she let her down, sporting that evil little sneer of hers.

No, Carrion. When she told you that you were a spoiled little girl, you were! You just can’t handle the truth! Your lucky you’re leaving the PRC with all your teeth intact. If Chynna or Brigitte were there you might not be so lucky.

Dennis diffuses the situation by getting up and imitating how Mack paces the hallway swearing her ass off after encounters with the little twat.

He says that it reminds him of his mother and he gives her props for being a survivor. If she can keep it together after what she’s been through, they all can. She’s an inspiration.

Awwww, that was sweet of him.
Drew piles it on some more. He quotes Aristotle, no less. The great philosopher once said that the highest level of human relationships was friendship, and she is a warm genuine rich friend. I think that Aristotle was referring to boy friends but that’s okay. It still fits.

It’s Tom’s turn and he says that he wants to start over again with new priorities. He shakes his head when he reveals that being a good father wasn’t one of them before, but now he has an idea of the kind of pain he is putting them through and doesn’t want his boys to end up like him.

Mindy gets up and tells him that she wants him to be a big movie star again. Okay sure, maybe character roles. I don’t know if he’ll ever recover his looks, his talent? Maybe.

Heidi says that she’s going to go easy on him. If saying that you’re a loser that can turn women gay by the mere thought of doing sexy times with them is going easy on someone, I’ll pass.

Yeah, my easy and her easy aren’t the same thing. For all I know she equates being a madam with representing ‘easy’ women.

Tom’s face falls to the ground. I feel sorry for him. He finally got the guts to apologise, not specifically mind you, and she stomps all over his heart. I wonder if he’s still in love with her, and Monroe is just a filler. I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough.

We’re not done yet, and Rodman gets up to tell him that he went from Hollywood to Hollyweird. The only place left to go is the morgue. Drew tells him not to make his kids orphans and then The Bob speaks.

It’s been a while since Bob has said anything remarkable but when he does, it’s always a doozy. He tells Tom that he has 13 years of sobriety under his belt yet there are still people out there that feel the same way about The Bob as Heidi does about Tom. They have every right to feel that way, just don’t let it keep you from maintaining your sobriety.

Well said, and I’d hate to hear THOSE stories. Dude was a junkie for a long ass time.

The quiet one stands up and tells the group that although her treatment was preventative, she’ll use her time at the PRC to, as Drew says, stop her traumas from blossoming into full blown addiction.

She’s another one that I worry about. How different is she when she isn’t drinking! On ANTM she was always acting out and almost never shut up. The only person that could read her was Janice. Do you remember that? Lisa practically cowered in her presence. I’m keeping my fingers crossed but a relapse wouldn’t surprise me.

And so we come to Rodman. Does he finally get it? He’s pushing 50 so now would be a good time to get his shit straight. He says that he’s not going to lie and say that he’ll stop drinking because it’s what he does for a living, he hosts events and goes around the country promoting stuff, usually surrounded by other drunks.

He gives a little history that we haven’t heard before, about how he didn’t drink until 1992 when his life was in a particularly bad place. On Wiki it says that he lost the man that he considered his surrogate father and his marriage at the time fell apart. He drank to relieve the stress and boredom.

15 years later he thought he had it under control but now he knows that he was wrong. It’s controlling HIM and he reintroduces himself as Dennis, alcoholic. Yay, now quit partying and start some basketball camps. You could make a huge difference in so many people’s lives by doing what you do best.

Did you guys know that he’s second to only Wilt Chamberlain in most rebounds in a single season? If that’s not symbolic, I don’t know what is.

Mindy thanks him for being so kind to her after the seizure. That was the first time that he seemed human to most of us. Drew calls him an organic expression of American history, a superstar whose life unfolded on a national stage. He has a chance to change lives and he shouldn’t squander it. EXACTLY.

Now we find out which of the goofballs are going to yuck it up at Sober Living.
Carrion is a yes. You know how I feel about that, so let’s move on.

Mikey starts out by saying that he wants to go out that night and party, but he won’t. He too is a yes. Heidi jokes that she’s cured but she’s going anyway. Such a smartass. Drew looks shocked. I guess it’s because she left once already.

Mindy says that she needs to get back to her three year old son, so that’s a big no for her. So, no big boobies to look at on Sober House, unless those sex rehab girls have some. She says that she’s going to attend meetings and I wish her luck. I believe she ends up at Sober Living anyway, so we’ll have to wait and find out how that all worked for her.

Joey says yes but he has to go home and help his pregnant girlfriend move into a new place. He promises to step off the plane and go right to a meeting. So, he’s a maybe. Please, he’ll probably show up at your cousin’s Bar Mitzvah if he knows that cameras will be around.

Mack doesn’t need to go. She has plenty of grizzled supporters back home. She just needs a new dog and a new job. I hope that she’s there for her sister Chynna when she gets out of rehab. They can help each other get over the fact that their Dad was the anti-Christ.

Tom tries to cliffhang us by saying that he wants to go home again. Whatever, he’s going, but Lisa isn’t. She’ll go to meetings from home, much to poor Heidi’s chagrin. She wanted to keep her roomie! That sucks. I wish she would reconsider. Oh well, I hope she does what’s best for her and learns to navigate the clubs without toking proffered doobies and snorting every line that’s put in front of her.

One more to go, and it’s Rodman. Another cliffhanger. He says that he has stuff to take care of and he isn’t fond of all the emotions that have to be dealt with 24/7. His kids need their daddy, but……………yes, he’ll go. Yay, he has come a long way. I am actually starting to root for him. I truly believe that he’s strong and he can do it, you just have to put it into words that he can understand and make him a leader of some sort. I don’t think his superiority complex is going away any time soon.

Everyon’e family members come out and I even see Mikey’s dad. Did he quit? Did Dr. Drew help him too?

I still have questions, dammit! I’ll answer one of YOURS now, Gasmii.

A few of you have asked if I will be recapping Sober House now that this season of Celebrity Rehab is over. I have to say that this show has put me through the ringer, like I know it has for a lot of you. I don’t know if I can handle another season of heartbreak and wildly fluctuating emotions.Therefore, I have no choice but to consider my own needs and wants. As hard as it is for me to say it, I will be recapping the new show.

Did I have you fooled? Even for a minute? They ended the show with all those phony cliffhangers, I just couldn’t resist. Of course I’m doing Sober House! I’m as bad as these famewhores. I love the attention I get from you guys. What would I do if my inbox dried up and I didn’t hear from my beloved Gasmii anymore? Is there a rehab for that?

Let’s close with a picture of the real angel of the show, Layne Staley’s mom. I hope she has her peace and Mikey does her proud.

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore