Celebrity Rehab: I Don’t Want to Know Where You Kept That $20

It’s been a little while since I’ve dealt with the beautiful mess that can be called Celebreality on VH1, and since House has been on a “hiatus” (new episodes Jan. 29th!!! (I’m not really THAT excited about it)) I thought it would be good to return to my roots. And oh how rewarding that was. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Celebrity Rehab.

Ok, so let’s catch up a little bit since last week was the first episode. First guest is Jeff Conaway, from Grease and Taxi, and he is addicted to, uh, incontinence? And incoherence? I don’t really know. Some coke? He’s really, really messed up (and I missed the first ten minutes of the first episode).

Next is Chyna. Chyna has a hodgepodge of addictions. It’s like a grab-bag. Oh, I pulled out bulimia? I was hoping for sex. She is also addicted to alcohol, but she says she doesn’t really think it’s that big of a problem. The great thing about watching shows like this is that I get a bunch of new excuses as to why I don’t have a problem with alcohol. Yes I drink before work…because it gets me through the day!!!

Brigitte Nielsen is addicted to alcohol. Mary Carey is addicted to sex and alcohol. I guess. Daniel Baldwin is a former addict wanting to keep straight, but he may or may not have relapsed. Seth “Shifty” from Crazy Town is addicted to coke. Jaimee Foxworth from Family Matters is addicted to pot. Pot? Are you kidding me? Pot isn’t an addiction. Have you ever sucked dick for pot? Well, she did a little porn. So probably. American Idol finalist Jessica is addicted to painkillers (I think) and alcohol. Definitely alcohol.

Something tells me this didn’t work out so well for her.

Ok, so last week Jeff was going through withdrawals, so they took him to the hospital. And, wow, he’s got quite the laundry list. Oxycontin, Xanax, alcohol, coke. He’s in bad shape. Dr. Drew wants to let him get cleaned out a little bit at the hospital before he heads back to rehab.

Allow me to interrupt for a second. I’m an avid fan of Intervention on A&E. It’s incredibly entertaining. But the show usually stops where the intervention ends, and then everybody detoxes, we see no withdrawals, and then people are either clean or relapse because they suck. Personally, I love that. I’m a little squeamish when it comes to uh, people puking (non-alcohol related), so this episode could be a little bit of a roller coaster ride, since it appears it will focus on people detoxing. Fantastic.

Jeff is in some serious pain, and Dr. Drew reiterates that they’re trying to clean him out, so they can’t give him any opiates. Sorry Jeff, remember this pain. Or maybe think about Rizzo. She was not attractive. Before the doc leaves, he says to make Jeff sleep through the detox, because he may have taken something. Going back to last week, everybody looked pretty freaked out when Jeff was taken away, so it will be interesting to see how everyone is affected.

It hurts on the inside.

Jessica, Mary and Daniel are all talking, and Mary seems a little drunk. But she brings up her confiscated porn and dildo collection. It’s the first night and she’s already going through withdrawals. Sidenote: if there is a physical reaction to sex withdrawals, I don’t want to know about it. And I certainly don’t want to see Mary go through them.

Dr. Drew (who I think is awesome right now. It’s the second episode, and because he’s a functioning doctor (and it’s just general practice perhaps? But I think he’s the man. What is this man crush?) says that the first 24 hours of rehab are the worst, because once you get in bed, you come down off your high. Then you detox. And detox can be fatal, especially alcohol. Another reason why I refuse to sober up. I mean, I don’t have a problem with alcohol. So what if I black out for days at a time? It’s my life!

So Drew’s assistant/nurse?/resident tech wakes people up to have them get breakfast and clean thank god. The good doctor tells us that the goal is to keep everyone busy so they don’t have time to miss the highs and to feel the lows that inevitably come because cocaine is so delicious (are jokes like that out of line in a rehab show?). At breakfast Daniel seems like he’s trying to sound deep, and I get the feeling that he could start annoying people quickly. And by people I specifically mean me. He’s not even going to detox. Where’s the fun in that? Also, how many VH1 Celebreality shows is he going to be on? It’s nice that he can probably get paid to turn his life around, but, is he really the last celeb that would agree to go on the show? And, sidenote, what if he actually does detox? Not so sober after all!

But I digress. Day 2, Dr. Drew goes to check on Jeff at the hospital. He wakes up Jeff, and there’s much incoherence. The only audible word is pain. Drew goes and talks to the nurses, and, surprise, Kenicky had coke on his person. Drew is angry, so he says no painkillers whatsoever. He’s going to feel this, and he’s going to suffer. Awesome. Drew also warns that his girlfriend (how is he functioning enough to even have a girlfriend?!) may sneak him some pills, so test his urine daily to make sure he’s clean.

I want that little monkey with crashing symbols to dance around in his head until he wants a good old fashioned milkshake instead of and 8 ball.

Now it’s time for group session or something. Danny Baldwin is talking to Jessica, asking her if she’s sorry for what she did that got her in trouble. Of course she is. So, ok, the Baldwin brings experience and sobriety here, which people may not buy just from Drew and his lackeys. So I will give him a pass for a little while.

Oops, that wasn’t group. They were on their way to group. Drew introduces Bob, a counselor who has been in rehab 24 times. Let’s see you try that Conaway. Amateur.

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

Speak of the devil, Drew gives everyone an update on Jeff. He’s apparently been through this before with Jeff, who just sleeps through his detox. Drew also reports he had coke on him. Daniel is angry because it put him in harm (either relapse or other I guess) and Brigitte is upset. Drew asks if it’s because he did it or because she didn’t bring shit in to use, and at that, Jessica speaks up “Exactly,” and explains the obvious that everyone wishes they could have sneaked some in. To use one last time. I guess. Doesn’t really make sense, you’re just putting off the inevitable. But excuse my logic. I guess that pep talk Daniel just had with Jessica didn’t exactly sink in. At all.

I forgot to mention, as Jessica is on her “we want drugs” soapbox, Chyna puts her hands on her head in disbelief. Seriously Jessica. Even Chyna thinks you’re ridiculous. Get a grip. Bob addresses Daniel’s anger towards the drugs, and clarifies that whenever he brought drugs into rehab, it was just to use, it was never to endanger anyone else. So take a deep breath Daniel. It’s just his own life he wants to endanger! Everything’s better!

No fair. You can’t chew gum unless you brought enough for the class. My rights were like totally violated.

Later Drew goes to check on Seth’s progress in his detoxification. Seth is really just at stage one, nausea and some kicks. Normally he sleeps through it, so right now nobody is too worried. Seth has been keeping a pretty low profile (aside from the sex proposition day 1 from Mary), which I’m not sure is good or bad. Especially since he seemed like such a tool in his pre-entry video last week. But so far he seems to be doing ok, I guess, so I’m rooting for him. Sugar. Baby.

Time for some one-on-one sessions, except it’s one-on-two with Drew’s lady friend. Brigitte is up first, talking about her messy divorce causing her drinking, and her kids don’t know she’s in rehab. Dr. Drew wants to get beneath the surface though. Her son was going through some sickness issues, and she was off filming Surreal Life (I surmise), and she’s drinking rather than dealing with the separation.

It’s 10:30 at night, and Seth is sleeping. He’s seriously detoxing, in his own way, and personally if I were him, I doubt I’d want to hang around with the others that much anyways. Especially if I was irritable and crashing. Then we see Mary and Jessica, who apparently have formed a partnership. I saw them confiscate Mary’s sex toys and such, but I didn’t know they didn’t allow mirrors at rehab. Those two look horrible. They also seemed high/drunk. Chyna does a video diary, and in it, she mentions that she’s not sure why she’s even at rehab. I’m sure that bodes well.

OMG I totally farted.

Day 3, and Seth is up and moving around. At group he says he’s feeling much better, and it appears like his detox is about coming to a close. Drew also tells everyone that Jeff is coming back, and he wants everyone to help him out in getting his mind off the pain.

Today’s group focus is mothers and dealing with mother issues. Who has mother issues? It’s Jessica. She may not have won American Idol, but she has the stage for this issue (too much?). Brigitte tells Jessica her perception of the situation, which seems to be hitting a nerve with Jessica, and Drew wants her to keep going because she’s also a mother and also an addict.

But Jessica isn’t the only one with mother issues. Mary’s mom was also different, because she was schizophrenic and Mary lived with her grandmother instead. Mary also mentions that she got really religious for two weeks after her mother’s attempted suicide. At the end there are hugs and tears and sobriety all around. Well, except for the sobriety part.

You guys wanna play Balderdash?

After the group, Jessica wants a drink. Glad to see the process is working. It looks like Daniel is taking Jessica under his wing, trying to help her out. Another positive for Daniel.

Finally Jeff is back from recovery, and he’s actually coherent. I feel uneasy with this new development. However, that quickly passes as he explains how he used to drink Jack and then take pills, and even the mimicking makes him feel slightly better. Ah, return to normalcy.

That night Seth and Daniel are lying in bed talking, and Daniel asks if Seth feels like he would need to change his career in order to stay sober. He says that he could just start a solo career, which I am slightly skeptical about. Then he goes on to say that he’s got a son, and he wants to clean up for his son. The Baldwin does a little stroking of Seth’s ego, which I’m sure has to be awesome to hear. But it also probably reminds him of how awesome the lifestyle is. It’s at this point that I also notice Seth has a tattoo blurred out by VH1 on his arm. I really want to know what that is.

Huckabee

Now it’s time for Jessica’s 1-on-2. Dr. Drew says he sees Jessica clinging to her resentment of her mother, despite the fact that it’s impossible for anything to be done about it now. She admits as much, and it would seem like she’s going to have a much worse time before things turn around.

Everyone is out eating lunch, and suddenly Jeff starts having what appears to my medically trained eye to be a seizure. Jaimee wastes no time in getting up and walking away from the table, looking back slightly disgusted in the background. Brigitte tries to help, but as we go to commercial Jeff is just shaking and nothing really good nor bad has happened because of it.

Back from commercial, we see the replay of Jeff’s seizure, and we again see Jaimee looking back disgusted. Brigitte is trying to help, and Drew walks up with Jessica, and he immediately starts to check out the shakes. Drew wheels him inside, takes him to the bathroom and leaves him to get some medicine or something. Meanwhile, outside, Daniel extols his knowledge of the shakes to us. “Those are called DT’s, and they’re from alcohol.” He’s got that right, but it’s a little presumptuous to assume that only DT’s give you the shakes. Jeff has been on a lot of shit. And yet, despite of it, he’s regaling everyone with a nice little song as he’s in his bathroom. I believe it was something tribal, perhaps post-Grease.

How rude! You’re at the table!

Jeff is suffering in the bathroom, and a little hysterical, so Drew goes in and tries to help him out. When Jeff complains about the pain, Drew says he’ll get Jeff’s chair. He then walks out of the bathroom, closes the door, and then appears to roll his eyes after looking at the cameraman. I had to watch it a couple times to be sure, and I’m not sure if it’s a ‘that guy is ridiculous’ or ‘you shouldn’t be exploiting this.’ My guess is that since this show is being aired at all, it’s the former.

Jeff comes out, and then he’s kind of suicidal as he’s talking to Drew. Then he starts crying, then kind of laughing. From there he goes into some random memory about a play he was doing a while ago, and ends up laughing. Are mood swings a side effect of withdrawals? Or is he also going through menopause? Once he’s feeling better, they decide to go back outside, but Jeff has to pee again. And Drew refuses to let him pee sitting down. But, uh, luckily we didn’t get into the specifics of that one.

But oh it continues. Later in the afternoon, one of the resident techs (a dude) takes Jeff into his room to give him some Icy Hot for the pain. So Jeff lies down on his side, pulls his shorts down and let’s the dude go to work on his butt. But Jeff isn’t satisfied. The pain is running down his leg, and to the inside of it also.

Around the time the porn music started was when I looked away.

And it was safe to look back. Jeff got on the phone with his girlfriend, shortly after Drew had decided to make visiting hours from 6-8. However, the girlfriend is 10 minutes away, and it’s only 4. Jeff says he’ll leave if they don’t let her come. Drew’s resident tech (the main woman, it seems) says no dice; she can’t come. But then she tells Kenicky he’ll die if he leaves treatment. He responds to that by saying he’s tried to kill himself 21 times. So she asks him why he’s not dead then. Rather than argue with a detoxer, she decides to go to Drew. Drew comes back and lays down the law, and Jeff is surprised. And bewildered. The bewildered thing isn’t really new though I guess.

Following that little episode, Jessica starts to detox a little and pukes, then she’s irritable with Mary. Then we see Daniel and Jeff talking about the “oxymoron” of Jeff not wanting to live like an addict, but not being sure if he wants to be sober. That’s so weird too, because when someone asks what an oxymoron is, first I say “jumbo shrimp,” but if that doesn’t work, I say “it’s like not wanting to live like an addict but not being sure if you want to be sober.” And I thought I was the only one!

Time for the morning group, and Drew immediately says he feels a weird energy. Daniel wants to get something off his chest. Following the discussion about oxymorons the previous night, he was freaked out so he called his sponsor, who said that happens in rehab. Drew interrupts Daniel though, to address Jeff. “What’s up, bitch?” Ok, he didn’t say that, but that was the tone. Daniel and Jeff then have a little back and forth about politics and whether Ron Paul is a serious candidate or if he’s just a crazy dude. There was something about drugs in there too.

I personally enjoyed the latest Cohen brothers film. I found it engaging. How bout you?

Daniel brings up Jeff disrupting the group so many times with all of his detoxing and bringin in drugs, and Jeff flips out, saying he didn’t bring drugs in. Jeff keeps saying, “Take it back,” like someone insulted his mom on the playground or something. Then Jeff stands up, for like one maybe the third time the whole time, and starts to go towards Daniel. That’s when we see “To be continued…”

Damnit. So that’s where the episode ended. What do you think, will Jeff really end up leaving? And where did the cocaine come from if he didn’t sneak it in? Let me know what you thought of the recap too, it’s been a while since I’ve messed with Celebreality.