Celebrity Rehab: I Really Don’t Like These People

When we left off of Celebrity Rehab, we had just learned that no one cares about Chyna, including herself, and that Vikki has at least a mild case of retardation. Hopefully tonight we will endure less of Jeff bitching about wanting to leave.

We pick up on day 14, after everyone’s family has (I’m guessing) left. Jessica is the only one who’s not out of bed, and she says she wants to be left alone. I don’t get it. Why do people continuously think the rules don’t apply to them? Also, it seems like they’ve been sober forever. I would hate to have to listen to Conaway’s constant bitching and not be able to get a fix. I DO hate it. Give me a second to mix myself a little cocktail.

We see Jeff is up and around, and he says that he’d like to get to the point where he can move around without needing a shot for pain. That’s funny, because I seem to remember him, about two days ago (their time) bitching that no one was around to give him a shot so he was getting his ass out of rehab.

Drew tells us that everyone is still recovering from Family Weekend, and Ricco appears to have taken it the worst after his girlfriend said she wasn’t sure she could rely on him to care for their kid. Ricco tells us he’s having a rough time and he wants to punch a wall, but he doesn’t want to be that guy. You know that guy. The guy who drunk drives into a semi, then takes his girlfriend whom he thinks is dead and puts her in the drivers seat. You all know that guy.

Who needs a babysitter?

They have group session that morning, and Drew tells us that people only have 4 days left of treatment. I actually get giddy at the thought of these people getting out so I no longer have to bitch to no one in particular about that stupid Kenicky. Brigitte says that in about two days she expects people to start to get emotional and possibly panicky about whether or not they should really be leaving. I have to admit, 18 days doesn’t seem like a really sufficient period of time to sober me up. The court told me I had to go to rehab for 90 days. Psh, if I was a quitter maybe 90 days would work. Luckily for everyone but society, I’m no quitter.

Drew has everyone do a little exercise speaking to who they think will stay sober once out of rehab, and luckily Jeff gets to go first. He thinks Jaimee will stay sober, which, duh, it’s fucking pot. Jaimee goes next, and she doesn’t think that Jeff should stay with Vikki. Jeff realizes, or has realized, that Vikki is not good for him with his “Ya think?” response. Everyone shares a laugh, and it seems if there’s one thing that can bring these people together, besides using, it’s getting on the old Bash-Vikki train. Brigitte brought her ticket.

She says Vikki seems like she’d serve Jeff Jack and coke (not the soft drink) on a silver tray. We’ll assume she meant silver platter. Well, sick of not getting all of the attention, Jessica speaks her mind. She thinks Jeff isn’t sure sobriety will work for him, and she thinks Ricco will have issues because they still don’t really know anything about him. Man, I wonder how the view is on her high horse. I bet you can see fields of whatever they use to make alcohol from it though.

At least when I get pulled over I have the decency to offer the cop a bj. You, Ricco, are just rude.

Man she’s a bitch. And it seems mostly undeserved from Ricco’s side of things. It’s like she’s rooting against him. I mean, he’s no great guy, unless you consider framing his thought to be dead girlfriend for a drunk accident great, which I happen to, but why root against him? It makes me feel better that she totally fell off the wagon. After recapping this show, I have virtually nothing invested in most of these people and could care less if they stay sober or use. It’s quite refreshing.

As Jessica is trying to break Ricco’s spirit, everyone appears to be looking on, smiling in a ‘get a load of this bitch’ kind of way, specifically Drew, Ricco and Brigitte. So Drew lets Ricco get his say in. He says he hates and loves Jessica and tells her to go fuck herself. If he had just stopped there, it would have been awesome. But he fucking validated her. He said she was right. I LOATHE that she was right. I need more to drink now.

It turns out Ricco also had a gambling problem. I wonder if he kept it from Drew or what. He said he would lose a lot of money to bookies and he would challenge people to collect and they never did. He’s Ricco fucking Rodriguez. After he finishes, Jessica gets a shit-eating grin, and Drew decides he should talk to Ricco more.

Any tips on Hold Em? I always feel this close to getting it.

Ricco used to be in a gang, and Drew asks if he’s carrying around a bunch of shit from that. Ricco says he’d never admit anything on camera, which I think is a statement of innocence. He goes on to say that he’s got another personality which provides the beat downs. But even high he can keep turning it on and off, and no one will ever see that unless they force it out of him. Drew doesn’t really seem surprised, and he doesn’t really have any input either. Ricco doesn’t do too well with the one on one things. So Drew challenged him to an arm-wrestling match. With Chyna. And he put a c note on the chick.

Drew tells us that when people leave the rehab center, they can either go home, or they can go to sober living and live with other sober people and still achieve some of the structure in their lives. He also says he recommends it for everyone because are you fucking kidding me? 18 days is nothing towards sobriety!

Jessica for some reason is aggravated about sober living, and she’s complaining to Mary and Jaimee, who will pretend to listen. Mary says she’s kind of nervous about it but she just needs to find some way to make money. Jessica says she’s frustrated because she has nothing secure and she doesn’t know how she’ll pay bills or get around. So does that mean she’s going to have to earn something for herself, and how exactly did she get by in the past?

Call me daddy, dawg.

Jaimee also isn’t feeling awesome about going to sober living, because her career is pulling her in one direction, and sobriety is pulling her in another. I wonder what career that would be. Former child star? Porn? Smoke pot for hire? Also, give me a fucking break, it’s pot, it’s not a fucking addiction.

Seth and Ricco are talking about what they’re going to do, and Seth is planning on getting an apartment if he doesn’t go to sober living. Ricco says Seth should go with him to Dallas for a week. Shifty says I don’t give a shit where I am as long as I’m clean. Ricco says they can get tattoos together. I always hoped one of my friends would get retardedly drunk and then get a tattoo of something like a unicorn jumping over a rainbow. I can’t help but think if these guys are sober, a bad decision like that won’t happen. So I’ll just have to hope they both really love unicorns jumping over rainbows.

Drew tells us that since these people will be re-entering society in four days, he wants them to get used to getting out and being sober in public. He arranged for them to participate in an open mic night at a sober coffee shop. Question: do they have coffee shops that aren’t sober? I mean, I guess some sell alcohol too, but is it that prevalent? Because if so, I need to get my ass to California.

Ricco tells jokes, but I doubt they were very good. Also, if people are sober they’re less likely to laugh. Seth does some sort of poetry jam, and I bet you’re thinking Jessica sings. Nope, she does puppetry of the penis. That was pretty awkward. At the end of the night, everyone is very happy, and Jeff’s face is very shiny for no apparent reason.

America voted and… they have decided to uphold their original decision. BuhBye.

The next day it’s time for wakeups again, and Drew tells us that the coffee shop experience went really well, so it’s time for a full day trip. He rounds everyone up and tells them they’re all headed to Catalina. Watch out for the sheep. They’re going for the whole day, and this cannot end any way but very well.

Once on the boat, while still docked, Ricco says he’s gonna jump off. Then Drew tells us that getting addicts excited is usually a bad idea, so the goal for today will be keeping everyone in check. Cut to Mary, Jaimee and Jessica singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall. And Jessica is dancing around like she’s drunk, or maybe just having fun with the rocking of the boat. But all three are ridiculously immature. I mean, when has 99 bottles of beer ever been fun to sing after like 12 years old? Bob, who’s also on the trip, interrupts them, asking if that’s how they want to be portrayed, and then Jessica answers him by starting up the song again. Briliant.

Drew says he’s frustrated with the girls’ actions and they’re obnoxious. Then we see Bob ask Jessica how old she is, and she says 21. He asks how old she is emotionally, and I think she finally decides on 15. She sure showed him!

Once they get to the dock in Catalina, Ricco really wants to jump off the boat. He’s talking to possibly a captain or something, who won’t shut off the engine and says it’s not safe to be swimming in there anyways. He also says Harbor Patrol will arrest him if they see it, and he says he’s out on bail anyways. So he jumps. Another brilliant idea.

They’re coming to get you. Quick! Replace yourself with your girlfriend!

They pull him out, and that’s when Harbor Patrol comes over to the dock. He apologizes, saying he won’t do it again. “Oh, excuse us. He won’t do it again guys. We can go back to our normal jobs.” The producers actually begged them not to arrest Ricco, and they kept him out of jail. Then Jaimee tells Ricco it was kind of childish to do that. But singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall is totally not childish in the least. And fuck you if you think so. I need to get high.

Drew says after that whole episode, he’s worried that the situation has become unsafe and unmanageable. Then we see Jeff complaining about pain now that he’s out in fresh air. They just fucking got to Catalina and the whole thing has been a mess. This is what happens when you trust people. Let that be today’s lesson. Don’t trust people. Especially if they’re recovering addict celebrities.

They get to Catalina, then they have some sort of lunch in public which apparently doesn’t go too horribly because we don’t really see it, and then it’s time for a process meeting with the whole group. Drew says he thinks things are unraveling, and Seth is bewildered, not sure where Drew is coming from. Let Bob drop a little knowledge.

Don’t mess up your first time in rehab. It’s not as special on the thirtieth go round.

He calls out Ricco for jumping off the boat. The patrol guys say they get that a lot with 14 year olds. Yeah, but can those 14 year olds kick ass? Ricco then says without the structure, he got carried away and he apologizes. But it sounds more like him saying the right thing in front of the cameras rather than actually being sincere. That’s when Bob stood up and kicked him in the balls. Who’s sorry now?

Drew talks about structure to everyone and how sober living is the best option for that structure to remain. Seth says he’s committed to doing it, he’s just not committed to which one, which makes Bob react like he’s heard that bullshit before. Then it’s Jessica’s turn, and I’m sure she’s going to explain something these guys have never heard. She asks if there’s someone like Shelly who wakes you up everyday, because she’s not a morning person. Yep, that’s a perfect deal-breaker. “You mean I have to get up before 10? So long sobriety, I blame it on this damn sober living!”

Bob says he’d rather have her just say she’s not going to go because then she’s not lying to anyone, and she goes into her “I don’t live here” spiel. If she doesn’t know how she’s going to pay rent, then she’ll just go out and drink and then go home. Bob says that that’s her answer to everything, and she says something like “when that’s the only option.” God I wish that was my only other option.

Ernest Goes To Rehab

He goes on to say that they can’t threaten him and can’t blackmail him. Then she says she’s not blackmailing or threatening anyone, she’s just stating a fact. Man, Bob is pretty awesome not taking shit from anyone. Especially Jessica, whom I’m growing to hate more and more. She says again she’s not threatening anyone, she’s just saying what’s in her mind, and Bob tells her to get that out of there. Then people start standing up for Jessica.

I guess, for some reason, people think that Bob doesn’t understand what she’s saying? I don’t know, but Bob definitely gets it, and he’s telling her it’s dumb and she needs to change. And remember when Bob brought up people sticking up for other people? Glad to see that hasn’t stopped. Most of these people seriously have the maturity of teenagers. Drew notices these people standing up for Jessica, and tells them not to stand up for her, not to rescue her, because she’ll continue to be dependent if they do. Thank fucking shit someone finally said it.

As Jessica dines on the main course of her fingernail meal, Drew points out that she’s fucking tough. He has to convince other people *cough* Chyna, Ricco *cough* how fragile they are, but he has to convince her how tough she is. They leave Catalina not on a great note, and Drew says that he’s worried about people now because they seem to value everything in their life over their sobriety. That’s how I know I don’t have a problem. I don’t see the value of sobriety. And I could totally stop if I wanted to.

I said if I WANTED to.

And we’re at day 16, and Shelly calls everyone for group time. Shelly says there are 90 hours left, and Jeff says he’d say there are about 80. He’s counting because he wants to go home, and everyone finds it funny. Everyone except Shelly, who seems pissed off already.

She asks why he wants to go home and if he’s got drugs there. He says the maid checked and got rid of his stuff, but Vikki still has hers. “So she’ll be holding?” asks Shelly. Then Jeff says yeah, because she’s got problems. Shelly just shrugs. Mary says it’s not good for him to go back to that, and he claims the whole world is sick, “so what am I gonna do take a rocket to Mars?” How poignant. He rationalizes, then tries to get the focus off him, then says he can handle prescribed medication easily.

And lemme guess. You have a reputable doctor to prescribe you meth.

Drew notices that Jeff is all over the place, so they have a one-on-one. Jeff says he needs something because he’s getting aggressive and angry. Drew asks him if he can’t tell it’s addict behavior. Jeff says he can’t. After more of Jeff trying to rationalize to Drew, Drew asks what, if anything, Jeff will take away from this. Long pause, and much thought. Or the appearance of thought, and strange breathing. Then he looks around and starts crying. Then he says he found something he liked about himself, and I almost feel bad for making fun of his response. Almost is the key word.

Later Shelly calls everyone together for an emergency meeting, and they let Jeff talk to the group. Jeff says it’s inevitable that he’s going to take prescription pills again for his pain, and he doesn’t want to lie to everyone when they’ve all been so honest, so he’s going to leave rehab. Drew asks if anybody has any feelings about that, and everyone just says no, Jeff had a good run, and they delete his number from their phones.

Brigitte is exhausted of trying to talk him into staying. Joanie doesn’t have confidence in him, and she feels like if he leaves, they’re going to have a dead friend. Jessica and Jaimee just say goodbye. So Jeff leaves, but at least it wasn’t some drawn out pleading to stay bullshit. He walks out on his own feet, with techs rolling his wheelchair and carrying his cane behind him. Peace out Kenicky.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, but please. Let me.

That night, Seth, Ricco, Jessica and Mary are all hanging out playing dominos. Eventually Seth dumps cereal on Jessica’s head, probably because he’s, like, 14 or something. This starts a food fight with Seth, Mary and Jessica. Seriously? A food fight? William, the resident tech on his last night after having just signed off, walks out and sees the shitstorm left over from the food fight. He makes them clean it up, and he tells us that they still just don’t get it.

Seth and William talk, and Seth says food fights have nothing to do with his sobriety, he thinks they’re fun. He also thinks boobs are fun. Ok, I was trying to make that sound immature, but who am I kidding, they are fun. Damnit. Anyways, as they’re cleaning up, Seth says he’ll probably get kicked out in the morning. Jessica is just laughing at everything he says. I hate her so much. After she laughs, she says if they kick him out she’s leaving too. And then she’ll go get wasted because she doesn’t have any other choice, that will teach them! Seriously, who fucking cares if she leaves.

Ricco even understands the big deal, and says it’s a lack of respect and it was wrong. Brigitte says she doesn’t like food fights, and Jessica smiles and says she didn’t start it. “Oh, you didn’t? Oh, I’m sorry, I took your participation to mean it was your fault! What a hilarious, egregious misunderstanding! Allow me to go tear Seth a new asshole while you remain blame-free. Beg your pardon madam!” I actually wish Brigitte would have broken all of them in half.

William called everybody together for group, and while they were all sitting around, Seth decided to get on the phone. The respect he has for everyone is just emanating. William says to get the fuck off the phone so people can go to bed, and Seth said he wasn’t going to take part in the group. Then Seth gets off the phone, and just walks away, telling William he doesn’t care and to stop pushing his buttons. Good work Seth, way to trash two weeks of sobriety dude.

Great. Now another Baldwin’s all upset.

So that’s where we end. I was really excited that this was going to be the last week, but I had no idea at all. If it’s any consolation, next week looks pretty awesome. What did you think of the episode? Do you even care about these people? Because I don’t.