Celebrity Rehab: I’m Pretty Fragile Too

Last week on Celebrity Rehab, Daniel’s Bitch Hour both bored and annoyed all of us. But after he checked out, we heard about some sort of situation involving possible sexual/suggestive texts between Mary and Daniel. And it looked like things were just about to get interesting. So let’s check out what happened this week when we’re going to see maybe 5 interesting minutes and then there will be much disappointment.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I think this music box you gave me is wasted.

So today is the beginning of day 8, which, which actually began last week when Daniel left. Shelly wakes everybody up, and Jessica is apparently really grumpy in the morning. Also, she’s probably sad that Daniel is gone. She lost her rehab daddy, and he touched her like a father. Perhaps that’s what’s wrong with her, her perception of good “father” touching is bad.

Shelly tells Drew that everybody is emotionally exhausted that morning, and he fills in Sasha (the chief nurse) in on what happened. Drew then mentions that people were telling him that “things were going on” that they’re probably not comfortable talking about in group. That sounds incredibly ominous. And very intriguing. I’m on board Dr. Drew. He also says there’s “funky stuff” going on. Jeff is really fragile, so he can’t tolerate anything. Again. They can also tell that something’s going on with Mary. They’re damn right there’s something going on.

Drew is bringing in a therapist who used to be in porn and is going to talk to Mary. Shelly says “Yay” unexcitedly, because she also used to be in porn. Can we get some kind of research going, what were some films Shelly was in? Yeah… that’s what I’ll call it, research…

I’ll be at the library.

So Mary walks into her session with Dr. Sharon Mitchell, knows who Sharon is, and they hug. Do you think she’s a real doctor? Or, is this like a Dr. Phil thing? Anybody can call themselves a doctor. You know those shirts that say “Trust me, I’m a doctor”? Legally binding. At least, the guy who gave me an exam a few days ago said that, and his van was parked pretty well in a dark alley, so I’m guessing he knew what he was talking about.

Well, this woman has certainly seen a doctor. Or twelve.

Mary says she’s feeling good, and since she was 21, 4 days is the longest she’s been sober. Wow. I thought I drank a lot, and also my salary doesn’t really allow me to drink THAT much, but even I’ve been sober, for, like, a week since I turned 21. And I’m younger than Mary!

Sharon mentions that she is a real doctor (she got her graduate). Then Drew mentions Mary’s situation with Daniel, and Mary goes into it. She hesitates at first though, saying, “I hope this doesn’t break up his marriage.” Sharon thinks the whole thing is kind of suspicious, and Mary continues. He wanted her to go into the bathroom, and he asked her about movies she’s been in and where he could get them. When did Daniel Baldwin turn into Creepiest Guy On The Planet? All he needs to do is keep his car parked outside of Rehab with binoculars focused on Mary and he’s got the title. Or maybe make little hair dolls of her. Yeah, hair dolls would be worse.

Mary says the whole thing made her wonder about Daniel’s sex drive, if that was something driving him to think about using again. Drew tells her it’s a great insight. He also mentions how she dressed yesterday, which I’m guessing was probably slutty, and now today it’s totally back to normal non-slut. Or, Mary Carey’s non-slut. This is a total therapy session, not that I know anything about it, because Drew and Sharon are both guiding Mary to developing her own conclusions.

Later, Jeff asks Mary how she feels about the whole thing. Jeff is looking amazingly cognizant today. It’s blowing my mind. He says if he were in Mary’s position, he would have tried to sneak some of the drugs he smuggled in out of his ass and then done a few lines. Always with the wisdom. Side note, it’s so weird to me how the old dudes in rehab are totally acting like father figures to these young girls. Anyways, Jeff actually says he would have gone to Shelly and Drew immediately after the whole picture texting thing, which is easy for him to say. At any time he can get someone to rub icy hot on his ass. That really has nothing to do with anything, except that Jeff is crazy.

Stop staring at me!

Drew tells us that everyone reacted intensely to hearing about Daniel’s actions towards Mary, and they’re all feeling feelings of resentment. And, in the real world, that leads to using, so he’s worried about relapses. Then we see Jaimee tell Jessica and Brigitte what happened, and also apparently Jeff was telling the girls to come see him in New York because his wife will be gone. Brigitte is flabbergasted, confounded, and she’s breaking the fourth wall and looking into the camera as she vocalizes part of her disgust. I’m not really sure who she’s talking to. Us at home I guess? She tells Mary that she should spit on Daniel when she sees him next. That would be pretty entertaining to see actually. But, if anything, Mary seems like one of the nicest people ever (sober) so I have a hard time believing she’s capable of doing that.

After the commercial break, we get more of Brigitte’s rant. She says to Jeff that he “needs to take care of this.” And she’s really just pissed off at Daniel. It’s a pretty entertaining rant, but not very funny unfortunately. She’s also talking to the camera again. A different camera this time, or at least a repositioned camera. Seriously, who is she talking to? Mary didn’t really want everybody to find out, probably because of someone calling so much attention to it (coughBrigittecough). But she looks pretty beat up about the whole thing, wishing it would just blow over. And instead she gets Brigitte’s rage at the situation. How very helpful that must be.

Seriously, the camera men need to hide.

Drew tells us that he doesn’t think we’ve heard the whole story, but Daniel isn’t around to defend himself, however it may come out soon. Everyone comes in for group, and Jeff is actually walking! Man, that first day, he was incapable of rolling himself around in his wheelchair. I mean, holy shit, it’s not just self-defensive anger causing him to walk this time. He even does a little Kenicky dance. And sings Grease Lightning. And the hand jive. Oh, shit, I started watching Grease accidentally. Ok, back to Rehab.

Drew has Jessica start off talking about the thing, and she says she’s pissed about Daniel. Drew stands up for him a little bit and says it wasn’t all bad having him there, but Brigitte disagrees. She’s still pretty livid about it. Methinks she may have had something similar happen to her in the past. Sure enough, she says it’s gone on and on in her life. Drew says that Daniel did help a lot of people through that first week of sobriety, and Brigitte again disagrees, saying that she feels like everything he said was a lie. That’s pretty short-sighted, so I’m on board with it.

Joanie interrupts the Daniel-bashing a little bit, saying that Mary is 27 and I think she means that maybe she shouldn’t be so easily manipulated. And she pretty much calls out Mary, saying it takes two to tango. Daaaaaaamn. No she di’int. And Ricco jumps in: “You knew…what was going on.” So then it becomes Jessica and Mary against Ricco, and really no use comes out of it. Drew asks everyone if now they understand all of the boundaries set up for Rehab. And Jeff of all people says it’s important to have discipline, etc., and learning to do what you’re told to do. Drew is smiling, and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s happy that now Jeff is on board with the whole discipline thing, or if he just thinks Conaway is one hypocritical mother fucker.

Or Jeff has a bat in his cave.

So a little later that afternoon, who should call up rehab, but Daniel! Jaimee answers the phone, and she tells him to hold on and she runs to get Shelly. Hmm, in a not suspicious manner at all, when Shelly finally picks up the phone (she was preoccupied) there was no one on the line. Then Ricco’s phone rings. He goes into the bathroom, explaining to Daniel they “dogged him bad”, and I think it would be funny if he was actually dropping a deuce on the phone. But he probably just went in for privacy and, oops, his mic is still on.

Shelly looks like she’s standing outside the room, waiting for Ricco to get off the phone with Daniel. She asks him why he has his phone, and he gives it back to her. Apparently that whole rules thing didn’t really sink in too well for Ricco. So Drew sits down Mary and Ricco and asks what was said. Ricco twists the story around pretty well to make it sound like he was on Mary’s side, which is bullshit obviously, but Mary’s still upset that he told Daniel the situation at all. Way to go Mary. Maybe she should spit on Ricco. What do you think Brigitte?

Mary is talking to Sasha and Drew, saying she doesn’t want to look bad because Daniel’s married. Man, she feels so guilty. She is totally someone you should cheat on your wife with. If you can get over her self-hatred. Which I could. I mean, don’t cheat. They just tell her to stay focused on herself and things will be fine, and she says she’s afraid she’ll be kicked out. But, uh, she hasn’t been contracted yet, so that’s not possible.

Since she’s still pretty torn up about the whole thing, Drew decides to have another 2-on-1 with Mary, which she starts off by saying, “Everyone knows I’m fragile by the way.” Great. Drew says they want to work to get rid of that fragility, and Mary has mentioned ballet in the past, so he wants to get her an instructor so she can do that during rehab. She seems on board with it, and she looks pretty ecstatic. Then she pleis her way out of the room. Or something ballet-related.

Awesome training for a comeback in porn.

That afternoon Mary gets to leave to go to her ballet lesson, and then she goes into her dancing background. She pretty much stopped when she turned 19. And, uh, it gets kind of sad when she gets to the part where she got hurt dancing and her dreams pretty much went up in smoke. She starts crying. But her Nazi dance instructor whips her and tells her to check her emotions and baggage at the door because here it’s all about dance. Or the instructor was understanding, I can’t remember which.

Late that night, Brigitte and Chyna are in the same bed, acting really weird. Brigitte does a Jeff impression, which is pretty dead on. Mary rolls him in, and he says he wishes he could fit in between the two Amazons. They say there’s always room for him, so he gets up and gets in. Then Jessica comes in and gets on top of him. Then Seth piles on, and Mary, in her towel, climbs on too. And everyone was laughing and having fun. And then the orgy started… And like all orgies, it all ends when people are gathered around watching (Jaimee had wandered past, where is she all the time?) and someone farts.

At 9 the next morning they have a group session, and Drew tells us that everyone has been actively participating except Chyna, so they need her to join the group. If I could digress for a second, you know why pot isn’t an addiction? Jaimee is working through her “addiction” both easily and boringly. Do something crazy already.

Start here.

Bob, the gruff guy who’s been to rehab 231 times, is saying something that doesn’t really seem to pertain to anything in general, but it gets Chyna into the discussion, and she says she was manicky. She says she wasn’t a user, but then people were offering her pills and whatnot all the time. Drew says there’s an elephant in the room, so he’s going to put this out there, and then let people react. He says that steroids are addictive and come with a lot of problems, so if that has anything to do with her past, then that would explain some behavior.

Well. Chyna resents the implication that she used steroids, which is funny because there wasn’t so much an implication, as a statement with a conditional particle, a sort of if then statement. Not an implication. She’s totally inferring incorrectly here. Also, I wish Chyna had used steroids, because why is her voice so deep?

Bob asks her something about crystal meth, and Ricco jumps in. He says Chyna didn’t use steroids and he knows for a FACT that she would never use crystal meth. Bob puts the brakes on. “Listen up you little freaks. I’m tired of you rushing to the defense of other people in a one-on-one conversation. It’s not accusational, so shut the fuck up.” Ok, maybe that’s my interpretation, but a pretty accurate one if I do say so myself.

So Bob goes on to say that they’re just trying to figure out if Joanie needs some psychiatric help, because something made her use. She says that she’s just tired of explanations and accusations, and then it’s Drew’s turn to rant. “Listen up you little freak.” He says that there are no accusations, it’s just trying to discover what caused the abnormal behavior, because it wasn’t magic. Joanie says she just wants to live in the positive, which Bob calls bullshit on because shit ain’t working. They pretty much come to the conclusion that Chyna has post traumatic stress disorder, and if they’d known that sooner, maybe Chyna could have attended that Playboy party.

As long as it wasn’t in Iraq.

That night, day 9, they’ve got visiting hours. Jeff’s friend Lance is pushing him around, and Vikki is also there. Drew tells us that they still need to keep an eye on visitors, especially Vikki since she brought drugs in once. Then we see Jeff ask her for a drink of her VitaminWater and she denies him. He stares at her, then says he hopes she isn’t doing what he thinks she’s doing. “Oh, no, no no, honey, come on.” Ok, I believe her. Well, he doesn’t, so he takes a swig, then spits it back in. Then he dumps it out.

Here we come with the bullshit. She says she was up late last night worrying about him and she couldn’t sleep. Of course, since he’s getting better, she has more reason to worry. And what’s better for lack of sleep than alcohol? Nothing. Nothing is better. It’s obvious.

Jeff tells us that he’s sober about getting serious (glad to hear he’s made up his mind now), and as she leaves, Vikki tells him to call her. We also get a better view of her outfit. I would describe it as hideous-slutty. Man she’s foul. But, when she leaves, Jeff seems to be calm. Not too long after, he decides to forego the calm and just stick with the anger instead.

I need a drink.

Jeff rolls his way into somebody’s office and calls up Vikki. He starts ranting, and one of the assistants comes in. He sits and listens to Jeff’s rant, which includes him says that she brought alcohol onto the premises, and then Jessica wanders in. Jeff eventually hangs up on her. Or she hangs up on him. If there’s one thing I know about relationships, and I know a lot, it’s that these two love each other. And have a healthy relationship. It’s so sweet to see true love in its purest form. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Seth has a phone call from his son (Halo, how awesome would it be to share a name with a kickass video game? Actually, probably not too awesome) who sounds pretty cute. He tells Halo he’s going to stop smoking, and Halo asks if he’s going to stop doing bad things. Seth says yes, and then Halo says it to his mom (I’m guessing). Seth then has a pretty serious moment with the camera, where he’s realizing that he needs to stay clean for his son.

At group the next day, nothing important happens until the end, when they announce that today is recreation day and they’ll be golfing. Brigitte asks what the point is, and Bob says it’s to learn frustration, irritation, and probably how to deal with it. Brigitte cuts him off before he can finish, so I’m guessing she’s not too excited about it.

She’s already learned about frustration and irritation.

At the golf course, everybody is pretty bad and it’s entertaining. Then Drew gives Mary a trick ball that explodes and tells her to mix it with the others. Then we see Ricco get stuck with it 3 different times. The third time the ladies call Drew over and tell them that Ricco’s using (the ball explodes and a puff of powder comes out).

At the end of the day, one of the head guys at the course is pretty fed up with Seth’s driving, so by rule of losing driving privileges, they’re done golfing. Jeff calls everyone over and announces that the trophy goes to everyone, and every month they’ll give it to someone else and take that person out to dinner. The episodes ends on a happy note, which is dumb, because shows with happy endings are boring.

So what did you think of the episode? Is this whole Daniel thing over? Don’t Vikki and Jeff love each other a lot? Like, more than anything? Is their love something you base your relationship off of?