Celebrity Rehab: The Uncle Touched the Sister

I have been unable to write the recap for the Celebrity Rehab because I have been binge drinking for the better part of five days. I thought it might be a little inappropriate to write a recap that I couldn’t remember at all, so I tried to exercise good judgment for once. Don’t get used to it. I also avoided writing it because it was so terribly boring. But if you care, which I doubt you do, here’s where you can find out how everyone is doing out of rehab.

Alright, let’s hear your bs one last time.

The show starts with Drew coming out and a lot of people cheering for a long time. I already get the feeling that this reunion show is going to be very boring, with a lot of filler and a lot of lies. Drew starts out by saying where the idea comes from and what the goal was, and then he welcomes out the staff and the patients. For some reason the crowd is cheering extensively. Are they getting paid for this or something?

Look under your seats! Everyone’s getting an engraved martini shaker!

Jeff is back, and he’s wearing something weird on his shirt. I’m not sure what it is, but hopefully it will be explained later. Drew points out that Jessica and Daniel are both gone, but he’ll get to why later because for now he wants to focus on the people who are there. Do we think it’s possible that these people are all clean? Jaimee looks high already. And Chyna looks out of it, like she did most of the time during rehab.

First up, let’s talk about Mary. We get a flashback to how she was drunk when she got to rehab, and then a bunch of other crap we’ve all seen more than once. There was emphasis on ballet, and then we get back to real time. I’m pleased to report it looks like she got some fresh collagen in her lips. Drew asks where she is in her recovery, and she starts off by saying she’s done shooting porn movies. However, she’s still doing feature dancing. She explains that her mom got kicked out of the home she was in, so Mary is dancing to pay for her mother’s care. And then it’s time to see where Mary’s at in her life. But, uh, in video form.

She starts off by saying she doesn’t remember the first 8 hours of rehab. I know how that goes. She says she doesn’t take pills any more, and no hard liquor. She occasionally drinks wine but doesn’t have blackouts any more. That makes sense, since she was really just a binge drinker anyways, and that’s way easier to tame.

So now the burning question: Who punched your mouth?

At the end of the video, Drew throws to Brigitte who is still worried about Mary. Apparently she’s been shown on TMZ a few times coming out of bars and sounding crazy. But after that Brigitte has nothing but supportive words. Mary starts to rationalize her actions to everyone, and Jaimee tells her to shut her dirty mouth and listen for a second. She says that Mary needs to do what’s best for her and not care what other people think, and then she starts to cry a little. Drew ends her session by saying that Mary just needs to stick with it and stick with her sponsor and she’s doing great. Mary shows her gratitude by getting more collagen injected in her lips and giving Drew a lap dance.

Up next it’s time to talk about Ricco. After showing his video flashback, Drew asks if Ricco made it the 90 meetings in 90 days. And he says that he did. He thanks Shelly for pushing him, and then Drew throws to the video of where Ricco is now. He’s still sober after 6 months, and it looks like he’s still fighting. He’s also still with his girlfriend.

Back from the video Bob says that Ricco actually did everything he said he was going to do which you rarely see from addicts. Ricco again thanks Shelly for pushing him and he is crediting her a lot for his recovery. Ricco says he gets drug-tested every week, and that’s at least one thing that’s keeping him clean. Drew’s proud, and Brigitte says Ricco looks good.

I love you so much I wanna crash into a tree and place you in the driver’s seat.

After that Drew mentions that a lot of addiction centers see marijuana addictions, and I think we all know who he’s talking about now: Frank Stallone. But much smaller, a woman, and a different ethnicity. Video flashback! Jaimee being a bitch to Shelly! She was there three weeks and all we saw was her smoking occasionally and being a giant bitch for like two episodes. We know that she didn’t go to sober living, so let’s see how outpatient treatment went.

She relapsed (surprise!) and she apologized to Shelly for being such a bitch to her. Then she said it was very hard to stay clean and she cut off all her friends, so she went to smoking. Brigitte chimes in (I’m noticing a theme) saying that Jaimee pulled her into depression because Brigitte heard about the relapse and got angry. Jaimee also said she didn’t do outpatient, and surprise, the doctors knew what was best for her and she didn’t. At least she did realize that she needed it. Then Drew throws to the video of how Jaimee is doing now. Great news everybody, she still smokes! But it doesn’t take over her life anymore. Remember when I said at least she realized that she needed treatment? I guess she didn’t.

Anybody got a cookie?

Everyone claps once the movie is over, and Drew is I guess ok with people clapping for her semi-recovery. Her mom is in the crowd, and she’s disappointed about the lack of going to sober living or outpatient treatment. There is an argument about Jaimee doing better (not cured), she can’t quit for her mom, whatever. Drew says he’s not disappointed in anyone’s progress. Luckily I AM disappointed.

Now it’s Brigitte’s turn. Not only did Brigitte struggle with alcohol but she stopped smoking. Kenicky turns on the charm, saying when he saw Brigitte it looked like she was really hitting the bottle, but now she looks great. After we see Brigitte’s flashback video, she says she’s been sober and stopped smoking after rehab, but she’s also gained some weight. She actually does look better though. Her husband also stopped doing everything to support her. Even though we just heard all of how Brigitte is now, they show the exact same thing in video form.

Keep up the good work. You look great.

Brigitte speaks in the video about how her husband has really helped the process, which is something I’m not sure Flavor Flav could have done. After it’s over, Jaimee says that she’s proud of Brigitte. You know what doesn’t matter? Anything an addict in denial says regarding recovery. Keep lying to yourself Jaimee. Don’t halfass your recovery, because you weren’t only half a bitch in rehab.

Bob chimes in saying that it was interesting how the show was portrayed on VH1, because the people working in rehab were made to look like bad guys, while the addicts were treated like angels. I think it’s all in how you approach, because I didn’t really think that was the case, but I could totally see how a lot of people would. He also mentioned that it’s backward from the actual media because people shit on addicts all over the place on gossip sites and whatnot. Then there is banter and a random clapping interruption before going to commercial.

Now we turn attention to Seth. After his video flashback, Seth says he’s not perfect, but he’s made huge progress. Drew pretty much throws immediately to the video of how Seth is now. I think he said he relapsed for two days, and he went back to Drew for help, so he’s sober four months now (as opposed to six). It looks like Seth and his wife are still together. Seth tells a story that he went on a trip (without a sober sidekick) and relapsed on some X after the video footage was shot. Everyone sings Seth’s praises about being able to stay clean while all the users are around him.

Then Drew talks to Seth’s wife who hated when Seth relapsed. But she’s still with him. Shelly doesn’t think 4 months sober is enough time to hang out with users without a sober partner. This is kind of a difficult situation because everybody wants Seth to get better, including himself, and they’re torn between some people being supportive and some people wanting to continue the tough love. Seth seems as beat up as anyone about relapsing though. And he doesn’t still use regularly (ahem Jaimee).

Don’t look at me. A botox addiction is so not the same thing.

Only two people left, and I can’t wait. Next up is Chyna, who has been passed out and drooling up until they said her name. After her flashback video, Drew asks if she still identifies as an addict, and she still doesn’t answer. After virtually no answers, we see her video of where she is now. She said she was going out a lot and drinking water or champagne. However she’s back to working out, and she’s going to a therapist and she feels like she’s in a good place.

Her therapist (the guy who helped with family therapy) is in the crowd, and he thinks she’s going really well. The plan is 6-12 months of therapy and a 12-step program eventually whenever she’s ready for it. She then goes on a spiel about leading by example, and, again, Brigitte sings her praises. These two definitely don’t seem as close as they once were. I wonder if it’s because they’re boring sober.

Every time I see this woman my mind goes blank. Enter your own joke here.

Following Chyna there’s a commercial break, and when they come back, Drew says that’s it for the patients. But, oops, he forgot about Jeff! How very improv! It was actually fairly funny though. So, ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Conaway. The video flashback is just a string of “I’m checking out’s.” Jeff has had four surgeries since leaving treatment, and after learning that we see his video of where he is now.

Most awesome tie ever.

Drew said he heard that Jeff was having a rough time, so he and Bob went out to his place. They were there, and apparently Vikki is still around and gross. Jeff had lost 40 pounds at the time, but he still doesn’t look as miserable as he did. Drew wants to get Jeff off the meds and into physical therapy because while the meds don’t get him high, it’s still not healthy. Vikki says she wants him to try, for her, and you can tell Jeff doesn’t want to do it, he cries a little, but he’s willing to give it a shot.

And from there we see Vikki in the crowd, and Drew says that people were rooting for Jeff largely because or her, which I can’t believe at all. If anything I thought people would root for him to drop her and get clean. Ricco asks if Vikki needs help, and Brigitte volunteers that Vikki DOES need to “go to rehab because you’re pretty messed up.” Drew says that’s not really the case, and he’s grateful that Vikki was there. But he does recommend a therapist or Alanon or both.

Oh just go away already.

After that it’s time for an anecdote! Drew tells everyone that years ago when Bob was in his disease, Jeff actually rehabbed him and 12-stepped him to sobriety because Jeff had been sober for years. Obviously one of them relapsed, and who knows if that was the thing that cleaned Bob up, but the two know/knew each other. Drew talked to Jeff’s doctors and they want him clean asap, but Jeff won’t commit to cleaning up. Drew wants a solid date, and Jeff is fighting setting something concrete.

Remember Jessica? She was living with Mary and Seth in sober living. The courts had called her back to Florida, and Drew was nervous about letting her go, and she totally relapsed. Remember the mugshot? Drew went to Florida to try and keep her out of prison for the possible 10-year sentence, and the judge mandated twelve months of rehab. We don’t see any video or anything of her, just some pictures, but her sister is there and saw her yesterday and she’s good. Then she reads a letter from Jessica. She thanks everyone, specifically Dr. Drew and he says that they have probably saved her life. It sounds like she’s grateful for the opportunity, which may or may not be sincere. But, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt this time.

Drew goes on to talk about Daniel, and he thanks Daniel for his help. Jaimee actually doesn’t think Daniel helped, and Jeff says he thinks Daniel let everyone down. Ricco is angry about it too. Jeff makes an incest metaphor, which is weird, but nothing really makes Drew change his mind at least, and they all agree that there were certain points when Daniel was helpful. I wonder why he didn’t come on the show though, was he not asked to? Or did he decline?

Because his ego is this big and it couldn’t fit through the door.

Drew has the closing comments, and he says it was a privilege to be everyone’s doctor and that everyone was so open. Mary then needs to say something to Drew, and she says that he doesn’t understand fully how much he has helped her. It turns out everyone made a video specifically to him, thanking him for all the help in saving/turning around their lives. I think Brigitte loves Drew. Drew looks like he gets a little choked up at the gesture too.

So that’s the show. What did you think of the episode? Any surprises that you didn’t see coming (or I didn’t?)? Will Jeff actually get help? And will Jessica be rehabilitated when she gets out?