These People Have Few Redeeming Qualities

It’s been a pretty miserable week here at TVGasm Chicago North offices, so let’s see what Celebrity Rehab can offer up. I doubt it’s very much. Last week the happy ending was boring. Hopefully they don’t try to pull that shit on us this week.

Woah, Mar. Rehab ages you.

On day 11, Inez, one of the resident techs who is a fairly large and intimidating woman, wakes up Jeff and reminds him about the dentist. Hopefully he won’t get any sort of pain medication for that. Drew tells us that everyone is doing pretty well, except for Kenicky. I’ll also point out that Jeff was not sleeping in his bed like his yoga instructor told him. So immediately I can’t tell if I’m happy that Jeff is creating drama or if I’m annoyed that it could again be the Jeff Conaway sobriety hour.

Jeff does manage to stand up, in his hunched over sort of way, and lashes out at Inez, telling her he doesn’t go to the dentist. Then he yells louder into the hallway asking if they check anything. Yeah, the guy can’t really handle sobriety, but if there’s one thing he’s got nailed, it’s keeping a schedule. I wish Inez would slap him. But it’s more than a wish. I dream of it. If only my dream would come true…

Shelly hears the yelling, and she’s none too pleased. I wish her addiction had been rage and not porn/sex because I would love to see her slap Jeff too. Drew reminds us that just yesterday Jeff was all happy-go-lucky and dare I say chipper at the golf course. Then we see Jeff tell Inez that he was hit by a car yesterday. Are delusions normal 10 days into sobriety? That’s so weird though, because I was hit by a car yesterday. And then I got into a car chase. And then some people shot at me. And then I had trouble differentiating between reality and what I’ve seen in movies. It was a busy day.

Shelly says to herself that the car obviously didn’t hit him hard enough because he’s still yelling, then she goes to his room. Inez is trying to defend herself, and Jeff asks Shelly if this is a joke or an act. I’m endlessly amused at his ability to literally take the words out of Shelly’s mouth. Or mine at least. Well, with absolutely no provocation whatsoever, Conaway says he’s out. Shelly says ok again, because he’s so full of shit, and she walks out, eventually mentioning it to Drew in passing. Day 11, and he’s said he’s leaving, what, four times? And that’s not counting the two days he was out of commission after that initial OD or whatever that was. I would have lost patience with him a long time ago.

Drew finds Jeff, and Jeff says that he’s in some pretty bad pain. When Seth was fucking around on golf carts yesterday (is he 8 or something? That was really immature. It’s a fucking golf cart) he ran into the girls’ cart on purpose which bumped their cart into Jeff’s, and now his back is out of whack. I wish he’d actually used that phrase to describe it, but he did not unfortunately. Jeff says he doesn’t usually go around yelling, which Shelly looks at with incredulousness, and Kenicky says they don’t need this there. So he’s using his anger as a way to get out of rehab? Right. This man is brilliant, and his abilities to manipulate everyone will have him out of rehab and doing lines in about 2 hours.

Am I on drugs or are those jogging pants on drugs? Or both?

Perhaps I was wrong, because Drew says they want him to stay, and Jeff says ok. I think Drew was probably more like “I do not want you to stay because you are a continual pain in my ass and I think you give society little to no value, but there are cameras here and I don’t want to look bad even though I so miserably want you gone.”

Drew tells us that this weekend is Family Weekend! There will be games and prizes and lots and lots of drugs. Mary is on the phone with her mom, who says she’ll probably come to California. This is her mom, who treated her poorly and tried to kill herself? That should be great. Mary is so painfully looking for approval; it’s difficult to make fun of. But, she tells her mom she’ll get to meet people, but she never saw Taxi, and she doesn’t remember the ex-wife of Sylvester Stallone. Man, from Brigitte Nielsen to Angie Everhart? Talk about a downgrade Sly.

Jessica calls up her dad, and he’s resistant to coming. Her sisters are coming, and he thinks that’s enough, and he says he didn’t feel like doing all that flying. That’s care people. Is my sobriety important to you? Well, that depends, do I have to take a day out of my weekend for it? Because, if so, I mean, there’s a game on that day, and I was thinking about pulling some weeds. She eventually gets him to come, and he tells her to have them book him a first class flight. Again, that’s love. “Of course I’ll come see you, after you had to convince me, and only if I get free champagne.”

And unsalted nuts and tiny bottles of vodka and a pair of those little headphones I can watch TV on.

Drew then goes to talk to Chyna about family weekend, and he asks her if she would consider reconnecting with her sister. After giving it a lot of meaningful thought for about a tenth of a second she says “No way.” He asks if he felt the situation out first, before Chyna talked to her sister, if that would change her mind, and she says no, she doesn’t want to reconcile with her sister. So she’s got no family to come to family weekend. I’m sure that won’t make her want to crawl into a bottle to forget her worries. But she doesn’t have a problem.

That night, it’s everyone’s favorite time: medication time! Jeff says it’s needle time, and if no one brings him one then the dragon will come out. Drew isn’t around to administer Jeff his shot yet, and Jeff decides to calmly wait for when the doctor will inevitably show up to administer the shot. And Jeff also apologizes to everyone for being such a bitch all the time. Ok, that’s not even remotely believable, Jeff says fuck this and calls Vikki to come get him because he’s leaving! He tells her they cut off his pain medication and they gave him Motrin! Motrin is for pussies! Don’t act like you don’t know.

Fuck this, I’m so annoyed with Kenicky, I’m cutting back on anything about him for the rest of this episode. While everyone’s trying to talk him into staying, someone mentions that Jeff won’t get the attention at home that he can get at rehab. He says he doesn’t want attention. He also says that the holocaust was fake and he could have played in the NBA if he was just two inches taller. You can find that and more in my new book “Lie’s Jeff Conaway Tells.”

Don’t let the door hit your wheels on the way out.

Ok, now this is getting awesome. Jaimee, who up to now has been pretty quiet and stayed out of most situations that we’ve seen, tells Jeff that quitting makes him a coward. He asks if she wants to call names, and she calls him a coward again. So he calls her a fucking porn star and a whore. She stands tall, which is pretty disappointing, because an immature shouting match would have been much more entertaining. But eventually after her not taking anything back and not acting sophomoric, Jeff apologizes and says he’s confused. Then he wants the camera off of him, and he gets up to go after it. That was a very action-packed first ten minutes.

Gunz Pinksy shows up at 1:30 because Jeff says he wants to leave. Again. Drew isn’t sure if Conaway is just acting or if he’s being honest. So Drew, syringe in hand, so you know Jeff has gotten his pain shot, says he wants Jeff to stay at least one more night. He fights it at first, but then eventually gives in. I am so annoyed. The only thing entertaining is hoping that Vikki got in her car to drive the two hours or whatever to rehab, getting there, and then when Jeff has decided to stay, she just has to drive back. Or, maybe it’s more entertaining to think of Jeff just waiting with all of his stuff out front for Vikki who never shows up because he’s always saying he’s going to leave and she doesn’t believe him anymore. Although, she’s pretty dumb, so she probably gets in her car every time.

At the end, Drew does say that Jeff is depleting him and he’s almost had it with him. Then the next day, before waking Jeff up (and we see that he’s already awake), Shelly decides she needs to go pray more before dealing with the bullshit. And it looks like we’re back to happy Jeff today. Fucking THANK YOU.

Seth is the first to see his family, son Halo and his wife Melissa. Everyone comes out as Seth and Halo are playing in the pool, and Seth introduces everyone to Halo. They’re all impressed with Halo it looks like. Side note, I think it would be awesome if Seth named future kids Halo 2 and Halo 3. Or if Halo named his kid Halo 2, and Halo 2 named his kid Halo 3. As long as they continue to pay homage to the video game series, that is what’s important.

So Seth and Melissa meet with Drew and Shelly. They were separated before Seth went to rehab, but they are still married. Melissa says she has a hard time picturing the two of them having a future together, and Seth is speechless. After the whole conversation, it doesn’t look like either of the two of them is confident in the future of the marriage. Also, I wonder if Melissa always looks like that, or if she got her makeup done to be on TV. But, I will say, nice work Seth. Nice work.

Later Shelly tries to get Jaimee to come to group. But Jaimee has other plans. Her family is coming, and it takes her an hour to do her hair. And she doesn’t have foresight apparently, so she’s not going to group. Shelly just says ok and walks away. Shelly is pretty passive aggressive. That’s exactly what I do. Get angry, say ok and then walk away. You’ll pay for it later though. I mean, uh, I’m not passive aggressive.

Brigitte and her husband go to pick up her sons from the airport, and she hasn’t seen two of them in a year. By the way, her husband totally has a creepy pencil-thin mustache. The sons think they’re coming over for vacation. That’s going to be pleasant. In the limo to rehab, Brigitte explains to them that she’s in rehab, and I don’t think they’re too upset about it I guess. Not much of a vacation, but whatever.

It’s a new ride at Disneyland.

Kenicky has brought in Barry Williams, a.k.a. The Dean Machine of S Club 7 in Hollywood. It seems really really really strange that Jeff would bring in Greg Brady, because are they related? But, whatever. Where’s Travolta? Rizzo? Barry and Brigitte relive a moment from Surreal Life when she was drunk and threw him in the pool when he was hosting something, and you can tell he’s relieved there are no pools around now.

Shelly is trying to talk to Jaimee to tell her the rules or plans for the day or something, and suddenly Jaimee has become Queen Bitch. She doesn’t feel like she should have to talk to Shelly if she doesn’t want to, and she walks away before she slaps Shelly. Again Shelly is totally passive aggressive.

She tells Drew about it, but she doesn’t seem too upset or anything. I guess she’s probably used to it by now. Whatever Shelly makes, it probably isn’t enough. Drew tells us that it’s important to see how the families react, and he’s nervous that he won’t see Vikki, or Chyna’s family, or Seth’s wife at family day. There’s a clinical psychologist (Michael I think) who will be guiding people through the day, and he asks if any family members will be brave enough to share their stories in front of everyone.

Jessica’s sister Jenn is up first. Jenn is hotter than Jessica. I’m sure she’s never heard that before. She tells a story of how Jessica used to bring drugs and social outcasts into her house with her son, and she sees Jessica on the same route as their mother who OD’d at 38. You know, after all of this, I just can’t help but think it’s going to turn out well for Jessica. Like, really well. Wait, what? Oh. Never mind.

Brigitte’s sons are up next, and they’re speaking in Italian so no one has any idea what’s going on. And no one does any translating. Michael asks Brigitte to translate for everyone, and then Drew has Mattia speak. At one point he says angry, but it sounded kind of like hungry, so Brigitte clarified. You know how when you have trouble understanding people with an accent, so you repeat what they’re saying to make sure you hear it? Michael is doing it with like everything Mattia says.

Addicted to bad hair.

Next up is Chyna I guess, but she’s got no family there. So Barry Williams says he’s had an experience with Chyna. Who invited him there anyways? Was it Jeff, or was it someone else, or was it Drew? Anyways, during a show he was doing in Vegas, Chyna was wasted and decided to join him on-stage. Barry thought it was inappropriate, and at best Joanie just shrugged it off. Seriously, what is it going to take for her to realize she has a serious problem?

Up next is Ricco’s wife. She basically says that Ricco can’t keep doing it because of their son, and we see that Ricco is finally opening up. He’s kind of looked like he hasn’t really been letting himself open up too much and he’s kept up a wall, but he said that seeing his girlfriend cry really made him open his eyes. Remember when he said he didn’t think his using affected his son? I think this may have made him change his mind if he hadn’t already.

Well Vikki shows up nastily at the end of the day after everyone has done their group sharing. Jeff says she looks great, which is a horrible lie. Drew says that some families will get individual treatment with he and Michael, and Jeff and Vikki are up first.

Jeff says they both do drugs, but then Vikki says she doesn’t do them when he’s not around. Drew says “interesting;” I say “bullshit.” Drew asks if she needs help with anything, like a 12-step program, and she says she hasn’t done anything since Jeff has entered rehab. Except her PMS meds and the alcohol. But in the dictionary those are listed under “nothing.” Jeff then says that she brought alcohol onto the unit. She says he told her to, claiming he told her to get bombed then go to rehab so they would put her in also so they could be together. Bitch is crazy. But I have a hard time figuring out who is more retarded, because I could see either of them making that up, and either of them thinking it would actually be allowed.

Michael asks Vikki if she’s gotten all drugs out of the house, and she says yes except for alcohol because Jeff is cool if she wants to tie one on every once in a while. Drew tells her it needs to be gone. And then he slaps her. She says she’ll throw out the alcohol, but if she needs a drink, she’s going to have to go out and get her one. You know what a smart thing is to say to a doctor who deals with addictions? “If I need a drink…” I’m not sure if Vikki is more unlikable than Jeff is.

It’s not like I was trying to party. I didn’t bring mixers!

Drew says if she needs a drink that badly, that’s a sign of alcoholism. Then Vikki starts saying some really weird things, like “we’re hopeless” and I am just wondering what the fuck she’s talking about. Is it wrong of me to hate her this much? I don’t think so. Michael recommends counseling for the two of them and I recommend never being on TV again.

Mary is up next with her mom, and someone who I’ll decide is her brother. Her mother has schizophrenia and is highly medicated. Mom blames herself for Mary’s alcoholism, but that was way before that. Mary actually tells her mom that she’s the reason Mary wants to get better. It’s yet another poignant part of the show that is in no way funny and that is very disappointing.

Drew has arranged for the addicts to cook and serve their families a meal at a fine restaurant for them to learn selfless acts of service. Mary says she worked at Hooters for three months, so she knows how to serve, and later as they’re setting the table, she says she’d rather do porn than wait tables. I think she rather thoroughly proved that.

Can’t you do both?

So everyone is doing a good job of working except for Brigitte, who had to get out of there. She’s not sure she wants her family there now. Drew hadn’t realized that with the fully stocked bar there, the environment may not have been the best for the drinkers in the crowd. Brigitte is also sad, but she can’t really verbalize why. The girls all rally around her though, and she calls her family back, tells them to come, and she decides to stay.

At the end of the dinner Drew says that serving the families helps the addicts, and then Jeff decides to give a speech. It concludes with Vikki saying “I’ll drink to that” and I cannot stand her. Mary also speaks, and she is incapable of buttoning her shirt up the entire way.

So it’s another fairly happy ending to the show. What did you think? Can they just kick Jeff out already? And where did Jaimee being a bitch come from, only to disappear again? And aren’t you glad someone finally had the guts to talk about S Club 7 in Hollywood?