Celebrity Rehab: This Recap Is Detrimental To My Sobriety

When I finished last week’s recap of Celebrity Rehab, I was worried that with the end of detox, these episodes would start to get pretty boring. But then I remembered that these people have only completed the physical aspect of detox, and the more they want a fix, the more irritable they will get. And that is a formula for awesome disaster.

Ladies, here is your bicep pic of the day. Happy?

We left off with Gunz Pinksy talking to Jeff about trying to act sane, and Jeff said he was going to check himself out of rehab. And this week we’re treated to a recap of last week that lasts about 15 minutes. I guess that’s one way to make sure you have enough interesting content.

If that’s not bad enough, we see the tail end of Jeff and Drew’s conversation that we saw last week. You’d think I would have learned by now. Jeff says the rules are stupid, and his entire argument is about his cell phone. He also says it’s fascism. He’s right. They don’t even let him do drugs here! Talk about your fascist regimes. Drew Pinksy? More like Drew Mussolini.

Drew tells us that all of Jeff’s acting out is really just him having a tantrum because he wants drugs. Baby wants his bottle. Ricco wanders over and tells Jeff that if he leaves, he might as well tell everyone goodbye forever because he’s going to die. Even Ricco thinks that’s a mistake, and I’m pretty sure we all know how good Ricco’s decision-making is. Drew tells Ricco to bring the ladies over so they can say bye to Jeff.

Nice work, Jeff. You’ve even bored the crap out of the doctor with your whining.

Mary’s up first, and Jeff just looks down her shirt the entire time she’s talking. Mary says they’ve been helping him, so she’d be disappointed. I would feel more like my time was wasted. But it’s been a long day, and Drew wants everybody to go to sleep and he’ll work on getting Jeff phone time tomorrow. Hopefully he’s just trying to convince Jeff he’ll try but he really won’t do anything.

The next morning Jeff apologizes to Shelly for being crabby the night before. She makes a throat-slashing gesture to him, and I enjoyed that. Ok, she didn’t, but she should have, especially since he’s always in that damn wheelchair and would be slow to get away. But, uh, I digress.

Brigitte and Daniel talk, and Daniel is feeling caged today. Hmm, maybe you shouldn’t have checked yourself into rehab if you’re already clean. I’ve formed my own opinions about Daniel being in treatment, but I’ll save them for later. Because I’m sure everyone cares.

Come on, stay! I’ll blow ya…

At group on day 6, Drew says they’ll start looking into why people are using. Jeff says he doesn’t know, which absolutely no one believes. He says he’s not sure he can get clean, sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. And when he doesn’t, he doesn’t even want to live. Drew guided him right to that answer. But now that Jeff is with these people, people who care about him, he’s feeling connected to everyone.

Now Drew wants to move onto what got Jeff to use in the first place. Jeff says he was tortured and pedophiled. I think that’s the word he used. Then Drew points to Mary, and Mary isn’t sure what just happened so she asks how he was tortured. Don’t worry Mary, I’m not sure what just happened either. Jeff says the much older guys he hung out with when he was 3 and 4 used to beat him, hang him from buildings, tie him to railroad tracks. Yeesh. Then he was selling magazines for the Catholic church when he was 7, and this guy took him to a studio with women in it. And there was, uh, fondling. And then he says there was a camera there. Catholicism wow!

Wowzers. Drew tells everyone that sexual abuse is common in addicts, and part of the conflict is that people are sometimes aroused by it. It’s sort of a mechanism for dealing with it, and it’s difficult to handle. Then he asks if anybody else would like to talk today. Well let me just throw my hand up right now. Nothing makes me want to talk more than just hearing about Jeff’s abuse. And that’s the end of the group session.

So…anyone wanna see Cloverfield?

Drew mentions that he’s surprised more people didn’t actually chime in because other people have had similar abusive experiences. Then it’s time for lunch, or something, and Daniel picks up his plate. He’s leaving the table because he doesn’t want to eat with cameras around. Drew says that everyone’s dealing with the cameras during the extraordinary circumstances well, except for Daniel, and he seems to be taking any opportunity to not focus on his recovery. I’m still holding onto my Daniel judgments that I know you’re waiting to hear. Besides, wasn’t Daniel on Celebrity Fit Club? I have no sympathy for him.

Well, Daniel may not think it’s been noticed, but Drew has seen him becoming more disruptive, so he calls a special group meeting about it. Bob is the one who leads the discussion about how cameras make everyone feel, because Daniel and Seth have voiced concerns about it. Mary’s up first, and she says she’s done a lot on camera. Oh really? Jaimee, surprisingly, said that same thing, and she’s comfortable with the cameras too. Then again, she’s only addicted to pot. Come on.

Brigitte says she’s fine also, and she says she’d feel weird if the cameras weren’t there. Then it’s Daniel’s turn to go on a rant about how they have to get miked up or get their microphones fixed and he just seems to have a lot of energy as he’s doing this, and I don’t see why he’s so riled up. Bob says they’ll get used to it, and really Daniel is the only one that hasn’t.

Drew sees through the bullshit though. Drew sees all. He’s worried that Daniel wants to get away from rehab, and sure enough, he wants out. He says he’s only going for an hour-long intervention and he’ll get back as soon as he can. Can he take the cameras with him for that one? He says regardless of what anyone says, he’s going because his credibility is on the line. Not sure what credibility that is, but I guess that’s not really the point?

Don’t worry. We’ll never forget how spectacularly crappy you were in Paparazzi.

Then we see Drew tell us that he knew Daniel was going to do this, and he knew about the excuses to get out of here, but he doesn’t know what’s true and what isn’t. And we’re treated to clips of reasons Daniel needs to leave. He’s got to testify in a court case, he’s taking a 75 year old woman somewhere, he’s doing a movie in England. I’m pretty sure it’s all bullshit Drew. Then Brigitte and Seth both tell us, individually, that Daniel is making up stories. Seth says he was just grasping trying to come up with something, and I’m glad to see Seth calling bullshit too.

So now Drew and Daniel have a 1-on-1, and Daniel says he doesn’t really want to stay. He didn’t know about the cameras everywhere, and he’s having second thoughts. Ultimately he decides to stay, and hopefully that’s the last we’ll hear of it. Obviously it’s not, because I haven’t gone on my rant yet. But I’m very sick of hearing about Daniel already. Now it’s the Daniel Baldwin bitch hour, rather than the Kenicky comedy rehab hour.

Chyna comes into Drew’s office, and Drew asks if there’s somewhere she needs to go the next day. Well, Drew, now that you mention it, yes, there is. She wants to go to the Midsummer Night’s Dream at the Playboy Mansion. You know what a brilliant idea is? Going to a party a week into rehab. I’m sure she can handle it. I bet Drew forces her to go.

Drew asks if she’s ok with having the discussion in front of the group, and she says sure. Chyna uses his friendship and his “age” as reasons she should go. Brigitte says “Honey you’re not going.” Chyna doesn’t like this, and Daniel starts saying he wouldn’t go to cancer treatment if he didn’t have cancer. Chyna comes back with after a week of being in treatment, she’s realized she’s not an addict. Well that was easy. See you next season guys! Have a great summer!

Stay. You know Jeff has some more awesome stories. How can some huge party at the Playboy Mansion compare with getting raped while you’re selling Bibles?

Drew ultimately says no, Chyna can’t go, and Chyna looks like she could cry. Or break him in half. Drew leaves it to the rest of the group to decipher his reasons for doing so. Rather than wait for them to learn what the word decipher is, he walks away.

Later in the afternoon, Shelly is asking for everybody’s phones. And guess who’s making a fuss about it again. Seth! Obviously it’s Jeff. He doesn’t get why they have to take phones, and now that he’s waking up more, he’s not just going to roll over and take it in the ass every five minutes. Jeff is a regular Charlie Chapman (because of his celebrity, see?), taking on this fascist regime.

Shelly then goes to Jaimee and Mary to take their phones, but, oops, she forgot Mary’s Sidekick! What a rebel! Daniel also managed to keep a phone also, probably because nobody really cares about him, so Mary and Daniel text each other at night. I imagine it’s really interesting what they talk about. Politics, philophy, etc.

Obma gonna change world 2008. Luv ur films.

The next morning, Shelly is talking to someone, and Daniel has a little conversation with Mary about texting her. While Shelly is in hearing range. Genius. Then it’s Chyna’s turn for her 1-on-2 with Drew and Shelly. Hmm, he probably just wants to tell her that it really is a great idea for her to go to that party and she’s not really an addict at all!

Drew says they’re trying to personalize treatment for each person, but Chyna has been resilient to it. She says she considers it that she was raised alone. She didn’t know her father, and her mother was abusive. Then he goes into her first memory, which was her being locked alone in the basement. Drew says that children who are victims are often very good at being victims to other people later on in life, and humiliation is a very powerful tool. Don’t I know it. I’m a card-carrying member of the never-nudes. There are dozens of us!

Now Jeff is getting some physical therapy for his terrible back pain. And it’s in the form of a fairly attractive yoga instructor. Chick, not a dude. I think it would have been better if it was a huge dude who was going to hurt Jeff a lot, but, I guess this is semi-enjoyable for me.

The physical therapy is boring until Jeff stands up and starts walking. He says he hasn’t done it in weeks. That is, of course, except for the time like 4 days ago when he got up in Daniel’s face when accused of bringing coke to rehab. Unless 4 days equals “weeks” in his mind, which is entirely possible.

On the night of day 7, Drew has allowed a barbecue and family and friends to come from 6-8. It’s a reward for the hard work in treatment. Mary’s girlfriend Rena is introduced by Jeff, who is looking much better and trying to play it cool. Then he asks if she does threesomes. She responds by asking if he was in Grease because it’s her favorite movie. Oh boy, this conversation is going places. I don’t even want to think about the depth of what these two will discuss. Well beyond my comprehension, definitely.

I forgot, did you and Rizzo end up having the baby or did you abort it?

Oh, luckily we’re treated to some of the conversation. She was in Showgirls, and Striptease. You see, you just can’t take every role you’re offered. You have to have discriminating taste, and it’s more than obvious that Rena most definitely does.

Mary asks if people are going to get in the pool later, and eventually she kicks Seth in. Jessica gets in too, even though nobody probably asked her. Seth’s friend Tracy goes to change, as does Mary, and when they come back, they say they’re going to have a wet t-shirt contest. I’m not sure what a contest like this entails, but I assume it will be a draw, because if they both get in the water, whose shirt could be wetter than the other?

Jeff is loving it, but Daniel is leery about it. The girls get in, there are giant blur spots all over, and the girls try to get Daniel to come in. He leaves, gets on his phone and calls his wife. He reports back to the boss that he left when they got in the pool, and she gets mad at him (we’re supposed to believe at least), like it was his fault. That’s reasonable. Realizing it’s going nowhere, Daniel just decides to call his sponsor.

Daniel has some guy talk with Seth and Ricco about his wife flipping out after that. Seth doesn’t really see what the big deal is, he said it was bound to happen sooner or later. And he’s right. Big boobs are bound to surface; it was only a matter of time.

I was incorrect in saying Daniel was going to call his sponsor because he only said a name. The person he decided to call was his manager. Or, maybe again I was wrong. Daniel calls to say he’s leaving, and he says his sponsor is coming to pick him up so it’s done responsibly. That must have just been a boring conversation so we weren’t shown.

Now that’s talent.

One of the assistants rounds up the rehabbers, and he says Drew is on his way and wants to talk to everybody. I guess that’s what you get for trying to think people, even sober, can act like responsible adults. Mary is pretty sure she’s going to get in trouble, and I think she said she wouldn’t have even done it had a camera not been around. I do the same thing. I see a camera, I get in a white t-shirt and pour water all over myself. Most people are just confused. Confused, yet probably also aroused.

Daniel says it had nothing to do with Mary, it’s all Seth’s friend’s fault. So at midnight, Gunz Pinsky shows up again, and he asks if everyone’s sober. They are, so, step one is completed. Great work everybody! Then Drew starts off saying that everyone is doing a great job. Then it’s Daniel’s turn to climb up onto that high horse.

He retells his version of the story, like he was on his phone with his pregnant wife and people were basically soliciting him for sexual intercourse. And staff should have gotten a handle on the situation, which he’s right about.

Daniel just has acted, almost this entire time, like he’s been above everybody. He’s sober, he’s got life experiences, so he can help. And he does help. But this entire episode it’s been bitch bitch bitch. And he acts like he’s just 2 minutes away from relapse. Bullshit. He’s been clean for months. He’s got a sponsor he can call. He doesn’t even need rehab, and he’s probably just doing this so he can be on TV.

Congrats, Daniel! You were offered a sitcom! Kidding! Stay at VH1, fool.

End rant. Drew tells Daniel to chill out, because the “outside entities” who so egregiously crossed the line are friends/family of other rehab members. It’s very easy to see through Daniel’s bullshit here. Is it stressful? Yes. This just seems like another ploy to get out of rehab.

Jeff of all people says it’s not good for him to leave. He says he came in for a reason, and then Daniel gets all smarmy and says he’s been sober for nine months. Well good for you. Perhaps we should throw you a parade for going back in to televised rehab when you’re clean already.

Jeff is truthful when he says nine months is shit. And Daniel says he won’t go back to using if he leaves. So Jeff asks what they can do for him to make him stay. It turns out that there’s really nothing, and despite how much he cares about helping Jessica get clean, he’s out.

Drew sees it’s a fight he can’t win, so he’s going to let Daniel go. Jessica gets a special goodbye from him, and I have to tell you, I am feeling really good about her chances. Yep, things are going to turn around for her. Daniel then leaves, and he continues his ‘detrimental to my sobriety’ bullshit. It’s rehab, either do it, or don’t start it. Quitter. I digress. Anyways, Mary calls Seth over, and says that when she was texting Daniel, he wanted her to send him pictures. She’s wondering if she wasn’t part of the reason he left…

The new cover of the Wheaties box.

And judging from next week, this thing is just starting to pick up. So I didn’t think this episode was that great. Really the only irritable person was Daniel, and apparently me since almost everything he did annoyed me. What did you think about this episode? Please someone tell me they hate Daniel as much as I did this episode.