Celebrity Rehab: Three Overboard!

All right guys, sorry I’m a little late on this recap. I was sleeping. No I wasn’t. I’m confusing myself with Gary Busey. I’ve got to stop doing that. Episode three led off with Busey not being able to get up for group session. Keep in mind, this is a man who has no job, no kids yelling at him or scratching his eyeballs out, no responsibilities of any kind. Not only that, he doesn’t have a commute. All he has to do is roll out of bed and walk maybe thirty yards and he is in the group room.

Why should a counselor have to wake up so gd early!?!

Steven Adler (and others) vehemently agreed with me. Among the Adler and Scott Stewart gems were: “where’s Dr. Busey?”, “he has nothing to do, he should have no problem getting up”, “I’m tired of this crap, if someone as lazy as me can do this anyone can.” And so on, and so forth, and so on, and on and on…

The group decided that the best solution was to storm into Massive Head Wound Gary’s (MHWG) room with lit torches while screaming “Wake the goof! Wake the goof! Wake the goof!” That’s a fabrication. They just stormed in.

When Adler turned on the lights and derisively referred to MHWG as “my mentor” he gained my respect. Busey yelled “turn off the f#*@in lights. When they walked out without honoring his request Busey, had to get up and turn off the light himself. It was then that the world got to see a scrambled version of his junk.

I think we should all take a moment and say thank you, black box.

After seeing that, I immediately rented a motorcycle and drove it without a helmet and crashed into a curb head first in order to cause enough brain damage to eliminate that memory from my head. This is the real reason this recap was a little late. Unfortunately I’m writing about this so the memory obviously still exists so problem not solved.

I can’t believe I am saying this but I actually sort of agreed with something MHWG said to Steven Adler during this little bout of silliness. He said “maybe you should just worry about yourself…worry about yourself..” Although Busey is annoying, when he isn’t around (i.e. sleeping) he really isn’t bothering anyone, Adler and others should let the staff deal with him when he isn’t directly interfering with them.

Or unless he’s sexually harassing people, of course.

After the elongated wake-up call group finally started. Rodney King talked about the fact that he hasn’t talked to his daughter in ten years because he knows that he can’t be around children in his current state. He keeps a close relationship with a young nephew as a substitute. Alcoholic or not, after seeing Rodney in action in the first couple of episodes I think I can say with some assurance that his daughter would benefit from being around him.

Scott Stewart recalled how alone he felt as a child because his dad spent so much time on tour. Things have changed. Since Rod Stewart is now sort of a fat loser he doesn’t go on tour as much, and therefore he has a better relationship with his son.

Dr. Drew explained that he needs to start thinking of his dad as he is now rather than as the construct he has of him that was formed when he was a child. Dr. Drew is right. Scott needs to think of his Dad not as a vibrant singer and musician but rather as a shriveled up, ugly washed up loser.

You know, think of him the way the rest of us do.

Dr. Drew interviewed Tawny Kitaen to try and get to the bottom of the alter ego she has created to get through life. Kitaen’s parents got divorced when she was eleven. Her family moved to San Diego and was temporarily on welfare. Back then Tawny’s name was Julie Something (it wasn’t really Something, it’s never made clear whether or not Kitaen is her real name).

On the way to school one day she met a boy with the name Tawny. That day she decided to change her name to Tawny in order to disassociate herself with her stigmatized family. Drew informed her that it is O.K. to be “Julie” because that is the person she has been since she got into treatment and that people like Julie.

I think this is rather inconsiderate of Dr. Drew. He isn’t thinking of juvenile horn dogs like me who love that hot addicted Tawny Kitaen chick from the Whitesnake videos.

Next came Jeff Conaway and Nikki Mc Kibben trying to convince MHWG to come and “join the group”. In other words; stop acting like you work at the clinic and act like what you really are, which is an insane addict like everyone else.

Oh shit I forgot to clock in brb.

Mc Kibben said she “wants to get to know you (Busey)”. I, personally (and I think I speak for all the celebrities on the show) just want the guy to shut up.

Conaway offered, “….man you are always telling and preaching, not talking..”, to which MHWG replied, “I am a minister.” I was raised Catholic, so maybe my view of what qualifies somebody to dub themselves a man of the cloth is a little strict but here’s a helpful guide. If you can be referred to as “one of the dudes in Point Break”, you aren’t a priest.

Busey pulled a 14 year old girl passive-aggressive move and said “…fine I just won’t talk, I’ll be quiet from now on..”. Yes! Victory! MHWG has been silenced! But no, Mc Kibben pulled defeat from the jaws of victory.

She replied, “..Gary that’s not what we want, we want to her from you it’s just that blah blah blah..” more stupid wrong stuff that will encourage MHWG to speak. Apparently Nikki Mc Kibben has not watched any episodes of Celebrity Rehab Season 2. If she had she would no that the world is a better place without the sound of Gary Busey’s voice in it.

World without Busey.

Next was Drew’s interview with Rodney King. I’m going to print the exact transcript (according to my notes, this is not verbatim) of Rodney’s telling of his beating. I don’t think I can do it justice with one of my smart ass recaps. Keep in mind, King tells this story without a hint of malice, bitterness or anger.

Here it goes: “Oh yeah, I knew I was going to get beat on. I knew that from the days when I was a little boy in Altadena. I knew when you get arrested there was going to be a beat down. Well I was out partying out celebrating with some of my friends, drinking and then we went driving out by Hansen Dam where I used to fish with my dad when we were little. Well I saw the patrolman’s lights behind me, I acted like in the media that I didn’t but I did. I had outstanding warrants for burglary. So I decided to run, so I drive off….but I didn’t do anything crazy like run any red lights or things like that. But, you know after a while I realized that I wasn’t getting away so I just stopped. When I got out of the car I got down on my face and I told the female officer, she was the first one to approach me, I said, you really don’t have to do this. She told me her husband was coming, he was one of the other officers. All of the sudden he came up and kicked me in the temple. He said, how does that feel? I said all right. I wasn’t trying to be wise or anything, I just really was trying to say what they wanted me to say just so I wouldn’t get beat, I was nervous. Well that’s when all hell broke lose. He said, well you’re gonna die tonight n@$#er and he hit me with the tazer. The next thing I know I was being hit from everywhere and I’m trying to roll over to get them to stop but what they didn’t realize from the tape was that when they said I was flailing around trying to run away was that I wasn’t at all. They had broke my leg right off the bat and so I couldn’t put any pressure on it. That’s why I was flailing.”

I can totally see why the jury let those cops off!

After talking with Drew, Rodney briefly spoke to Adler and Kitaen about the aftermath of the beating and his respect for gay people. There was a gay rights rally scheduled in downtown Los Angeles the day after the tape made its way to the media. Instead, the protest became an impromptu demonstration for King. Well, years later it’s clear the fruits of those rallies has been realized. African-Americans now have a great relationship with the police and gays and lesbians have earned the right to protest their lack of marriage rights.

We have come a long way.

Dr. Drew decided to take the group on a trip to a local river to do some boating and fishing. The goal was to give everyone a break from the treatment center and celebrate their new sobriety.

Rodney King, Tawny Kitaen and Nikki Mc Kibben were in one boat. Steven Adler, Scott Stewart and MHWG were in the other. King and the others went over to a quiet corner to fish. As he mentioned in his story about getting beat and tazed to within an inch of his life by a bunch of racist cops; Rodney loves to fish and he is good at it. You could tell that he was excited about fishing (and teaching others).

However, MHWG was at the controls of the other boat. He decided it would be funny to constantly zoom over to where Rodney was and destroy any measure of calm in the water and, of course, ruin their chance at catching any fish. Get it? Pretty funny huh?

Anyway, after turning the boat violently to the left and right over and over again MHWG finally took too sharp of a turn and put all three addicts (and a rented overturned motorboat) in the drink. Lifeguards came to their rescue.

…and America.

Adler was visibly shaken. He was trembling and he kept referring to MHWG as “Captain f-ing Busey”. Apparently one side of the boat almost whacked him in the head when it sunk.

Dr. Drew sat everyone down to talk about the incident. The gem of this session came when Adler exclaimed, “….see Dr. Drew, that’s the lesson, you should not try to do anything fun while sober.” Drew offered that while he obviously didn’t want this to happen, it did offer an opportunity for Steven. Adler admitted that if he was not around the group he would have used after such a traumatic event.

Hopefully, this showed him that he can get through things like this without drugs and alcohol. However, if Adler is serious about sobriety it may be a good idea for to make a conscious effort to avoid any contact with MHWG after this show is over in order to avoid putting himself in stressful situations. I’m serious.

After the event Scott Stewart was recounting what happened to Amber Smith and he managed to steal another one of my lines. He referred to dealing with MHWG as taking A-Busey. Stewart you little jerk! I used that line in my recap of episode two, long before you ever thought to use it as a line when hitting on Amber Smith. If you get laid you owe me one!

Next came a disturbing conversation about women and age between Kitaen, Stewart and Amber Smith. First off, watching MHWG talk to or about women in a suggestive manner is creepy no matter what. (side note: this guy said earlier in the day he was a “minister” but now he’s doing high-school dirty talk?)

What really freaked me was when Scott Stewart said, “…I like older women because they are great in bed but I like women that are younger then me too because I can control them and make them my own.” He wasn’t joking. I’m surprised he didn’t add, “my little pretties!” He should try out the next time he sees a casting call for a villain in an after-school-special.

Put on some lotion. Do it! Keep that skin supple to Busey can make a nice suit out of it.

Next came final group. MHWG was finally confronted by other patients (specifically Adler) and Dr. Drew about his behavior. The argument between Adler and MHWG was the “I’m not a patient, I’m a participant” stuff we have heard over and over. This time, when Adler went to respond he literally fell off his chair (head over heels, backwards). I was sort of worried for a second that because he didn’t have a helmet Adler would hit his head and end up like that freaky dude Gary Busey. I don’t know if the readers have heard of that guy but he’s this awesome actor from Point Break who hit his head a while back and now he’s a complete nut!

Anyway, Dr. Drew decided to let everyone know about the details of MHWG’s injury and why it affects his interaction with them. MHWG’s injury affects him in three ways. 1.) impulse control: He says and does things without thinking (such as being in a movie about surfer bank robbers). 2.) addiction: He gets addicted to stuff. I’m no doctor but this may be why he’s on the show “Celebrity Rehab”. 3.) empathy: Basically he can’t see others as human beings which leads to him acting like a complete dick. Maybe Hitler got in a motorcycle accident when he was young.

When told these things the group seemed genuinely concerned for MHWG. They all agreed to cut him some slack. MHWG also said he would start acting like an addict and a patient rather than a half-assed counselor. We’ll see.

Busey approached Tawny afterwards to apologize for some of his past creepiness. He admitted that he had a lot of things he has to work on before he can even think about commenting on others. Kitaen said hearing him say that made him look “cuter”. MSWG jokingly said it was the lighting.

I am going to wipe the vomit off my keyboard and get everyone a well deserved recap for episode four tomorrow night!

I’m not the only one.