Celebrity Rehab: We Will Still Be Friends Forever

I was really having trouble finding the motivation to write the recap for this episode of Celebrity Rehab, but I thought since I’m coming off of a four day bender, it may be about as good a time as any to judge these poor saps who are slaves to their addictions. Suckers. So let’s check out what happened this week as I try to piece together the past four days.

Whatchoo lookin at, bitch?

We open on the morning of day 19, graduation day, and it’s pretty early in the morning (7:30). Early for addicts, or possibly late, depending on how much or how well you can party. Drew tells us that right now everyone is struggling with their decisions to go to sober living. These people are (or should be) rich (except for Jessica probably), yet they would pretty much flat out refuse to go to sober living if they had to ‘work’ to pay the bills, so they’re getting coddled even in the fact that they get three free months of sober living (during which most will probably decide to leave because these people are all quitters. Well, except for the drugs and alcohol part, obviously).

Oh, the delicious irony of this scene. Mary tells us that she’s about 80% sure she wants to go to sober living, and Jessica wants to go and so does Jaimee. But we heard last week that Jaimee doesn’t think she needs to go, and Jessica is really on the fence about the whole thing. And we know how impressionable Mary is, so it’s pretty obvious that 80% means absolutely bullshit. Poor Mary. Grow a pair. Metaphorically, please.

Will there be a camera crew there?

A little while later everyone is just sitting around, because there’s not much else to do in rehab. Ricco says they should place bets on who actually stays in sober living, and Seth says he’ll be staying. That’s interesting because, also last week, he said he wasn’t sure it was something he could commit to. Brigitte says she’d like to stay, like it’s out of her control or something. She’s in America while her kids are in another country, so I don’t really think she could use that as an excuse. Sasha, the chief nurse, asks if they’re betting so that pretty much puts the kibosh on that. Way to be a buzzkill Sasha.

Ricco tells us that Drew always says to put yourself before anyone else during your sobriety, but Ricco says that his family is first. Well, there’s getting high, and then there’s the family. But Ricco says that getting/staying sober is entirely for his family and is what’s motivating him to go to sober living.

We then see a little bit of an extended cut of Seth’s speech last week where he says he’s not sure he’s ready for sober living. So VH1 is doing a great job selectively piecing things together here. Later we see Jessica talking to Bob and Shelly and she asks how many bedrooms are in the sober living house. It’s a two-bedroom apartment and there are two beds in each room, and if Mary, Jaimee and Jessica all go, there will be one extra room.

Bob thinks Chyna should go with them. Chyna blankly nods her head and says alright. She could not be more ambivalent about this whole thing. Also, I don’t really think it’s a good idea to keep those three together (even though they all may end up not going). But I guess the rehab people think it’s more important that they have each other to lean on rather than put them with strangers. Bah.

I’d be in sober living if I just went home because I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM, PEOPLE!

Ugh, then we see an extended cut of Jaimee’s speech last week where she said she wasn’t sure about sober living. She goes to ask Seth a question about the place and whether or not they let you leave, because she’s got all kinds of places to be. Seth says that the first two weeks will be rough and more similar to rehab while they develop trust. Jaimee says ok and walks away, and I really don’t see any way that she goes. Actually I would be surprised to see just about anyone go besides Ricco.

Seth goes and gets the rules from Shelly, and then he passes them around. Mary is reading them, and she says she’s not sure about them. The first few weeks curfew is 11 pm. What the fuck are you going to do after 11 if you’re not going out drinking? Next rule is no TV after midnight. Jaimee says “Oh hell no!” You will not tell her when she can watch TV. The good shit comes on after 12. Like, uh, Last Call with Carson Daly? Jaimee just coasted through rehab without really any incidents, but it seems like she’s a HUGE bitch with a shit-ton of attitude.

Well after the no TV after midnight rule, she tells Mary she doesn’t think she’s going. She needs to have her TV on until she falls asleep. How is she going to sleep without the TV on? If you can think of some other way I’d like to hear it. It’s not like there have been other inventions that provide sound that aren’t TV’s. Also, how the hell has she been sleeping in rehab? She could at least find some reasonable reason to not want to go to sober living. Like no pot allowed.

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Apparently VH1 had shit to work with last week and they needed filler, because we’re seeing yet another portion that was shown last week, which is Jaimee’s meeting with Dr. Drew when she said she wasn’t going to sober living. She says she’s got contracts that she’s signed and she has work lined up for like two weeks after leaving rehab. She says she has things to do which no one understands. Right, no one understands that you “have things to do” because no one has ever said that before in dealing with addicts. Most people in rehab probably have real jobs that they actually have to leave in order to go to rehab, it’s not just some sort of vacation. Apparently I really don’t like Jaimee.

Drew says she’s making a mistake and in most cases sober living is necessary. She says the difference is that “I know I can do it without smoking.” Oh, well, okay then. She knows guys. I thought for a while she might not be sure, but all uncertainty I’ve had has been washed away. She knows! The others could learn from her. Eventually she at least stops lying to herself as Drew works it out of her, and she says that she just doesn’t want to go.

Jaimee, Jessica and Mary are all talking about sober living and Mary says they’ll probably have a lot of girls hating on them. That’s a good attitude to go in with. Just expect everyone to be hostile. Mary then tells us that she’s not sure about sober living because Jaimee probably isn’t going and that just leaves Mary and Jessica and Jessica isn’t a good influence on Mary. At least she recognizes that, but I wouldn’t exactly say someone who is bitching about sober living would end up being a good influence. Maybe someone who actually is in sober living could be a good influence? Nah, that’s impossible.

Jaimee says she can’t be fenced in. Wild horses, you know? Bullshit. Rehab is fucking fencing you in and you’re doing it. Maybe without the cameras around it isn’t worth it? Jessica tells us that she’s worried that Jaimee isn’t going, I guess she’s already expecting Mary to not go, and she doesn’t want to go alone and not know anyone. First it was not wanting to be in California, now it’s not knowing anyone. Do you think looking back that these people can recognize that they were just making excuses?

But what if there are clowns there? I’m afraid of clowns.

Chyna and Jessica lie in bed and spoon, and Chyna tries to calm Jessica’s fears about it. She tells her just to not worry about what she doesn’t know about, and it seems pretty sincere and seems to make Jessica calm down. Where did that even come from? And if Chyna is so good at helping other people with problems, why can’t she even recognize that she has one?

A little while later, 3 hours until graduation, Seth is kind of angry with the girls for leaving Jessica, and he says he thought they were all supposed to help each other. He presents some great reasons for why these chicks are stupid for not going to sober living. Mary, being her impressionable self, agrees with everything Seth is saying and then tells us that she wants to go to sober living and she’s going to commit to it because she thinks she can convince Jessica to stay. And, just to point out, Seth is totally fucking right, these chicks having their own apartment apart from the sober living house is awesome and they’re retarded for passing it up. I like that Seth is just as angry and dumbfounded about it as I am.

A little while later, Jaimee and Mary are talking and Jaimee is singing sort of a different tune. She says she’s going to give sober living a shot because she owes it to her mama. But if she doesn’t like it, then she’s fucking out of there. It’s nice that she’s left herself an out, because that means she’s going to be much more likely to stay, right? There’s no fucking way she stays, and I would still kind of be surprised if she does end up going. She needs her TV after 12 damnit!

Jaimee gets on the phone and calls her mom, who apparently didn’t answer, but told her about the change of plans. Then she tells us the reason she’s not sure about sober living is because she thinks she might relapse. But, but, she just said, she knows she can do it! Is it possible she doesn’t know? I just don’t know what’s happening anymore, my world has turned upside down.

If I don’t watch Oprah at 3am, when am I gonna watch it?

It’s two hours until graduation and Drew says that some people in their minds are already using and they’re really having difficulty committing to sober living and making solid decisions. Fucking Mary. She tells Seth her plans for the night, including all kinds of body health stuff, and then dinner. She asks Seth if he wants to go, and he’s partly amazed I think, and partly what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you. He tells her that if she goes back to her place, she’s going to get lit, and she smiles, laughs and says she doesn’t think she would. Real convincing. Good luck running for president. Seth goes on a major rant about why Mary should go to sober living, and thank god for Seth because he’s totally awesome right now, and I take back some of the shit I gave him because he’s telling it like it is. Mary tells us that she knows her will power and that she’ll be able to stay sober. She’s so fucking wrong.

After that it’s time to go to graduation, and everyone leaves the rehab unit for what won’t be the last time for some of these people. Drew starts off by saying it was a great three weeks and it was a pleasure getting to serve and help these people, and I think Drew must be a sadist because it had to suck. And damn it’s got to be frustrating to work with addicts, most of whom don’t recover.

They go through having everyone say something about each person, then the rehab staff goes, and then the person gets to address everyone. Seth is up first. Brigitte tells him to stick with it and not turn into that immature silly fool he is sometimes, and I would like to echo that. Because it matters what I say. Ricco gives Seth his rosary so it will be the last time he leaves rehab. Jessica thanks him for helping her regain her love of music (must have been boring because they didn’t show it). Drew thanks him for providing rehab veteran leadership, and Seth tells everyone to treasure the opportunity because it’s amazing and one little mistake and you’re back at the beginning.

Brigitte is up next, and everyone has pretty great things to say, including Jaimee, who apparently thought of Brigitte like a mother. Jaimee starts crying a little bit as she speaks her piece. Drew thanks her for inspiring everyone, and Brigitte tells Jessica that she accepts the role of her mother and she can call her anytime. And she says “Please” to Mary.

What a difference a little makeup and a hairdo makes, huh?

Chyna is next. Brigitte tells her to be strong and be selfish. Jessica thanks her for that discussion they had in her bed, which may or may not have been earlier that day. Bob asks Chyna to say “Maybe I’m an addict,” and she’s reluctant, but she does say it, and everyone stands up and cheers when she does.

And then we go to Ricco. Mary says something, but I think they just showed it because she hadn’t been shown in a while. Jessica makes a joke that she doesn’t like him. Her timing is great. She says she does love him now. Ricco thanks everyone, especially Will, the resident tech, and Shelly the Shark for being so tough with him, and he also apologizes to her.

Go fuck yourself, eyebrows.

Jaimee is up after, and Ricco goes and hugs her, and tells her that she kept everyone in check and he learned a lot from her. Then Mary goes and they both cry, then Jessica says that Jaimee is strong and has learned to deal with her anger. Drew tells her that she took treatment seriously and she was willing and courageous. She apparently doesn’t have much to say to anybody else though.

Then we see Mary, and Brigitte says she worries about her, especially after seeing that video, and that her mother needs her and she needs her mother. Chyna says she’s proud of Mary for going after what she wants. Ricco says he thinks ballet will save her life because he’s never seen her so happy. Jaimee says she needs Mary to be strong. Mary tells everyone that she’s learned a lot, and she also learned that Bob did like her and he just wanted them to learn the importance of sobriety.

Last but not least, or possibly least, is Jessica. Seth says she’s a firecracker and he’s proud of her. Ricco says he doesn’t like her because she calls his bullshit, and she needs to surrender some of her strength or she’ll lose everything. Side note, apparently Jessica, Mary and Jaimee call themselves them Mary J’s. That’s a healthy connotation for people in sobriety, especially one who was addicted to pot. Jaimee says she doesn’t want Jessica’s temper to hold her back. She tells everyone that if she didn’t have the opportunity, she would be possibly in jail or dead, but it’s the happiest she’s been, possibly in her life.

Well, except for that time I got wasted and called Simon Cowells voicemail like thirty times and pretended I was a pissed off Kelly Clarkson. That was hilarious.

Okay, now that that’s out of the way, it’s time for everyone to announce if they’re going to sober living. Drew says it’s not a magical cure but it’s helpful and it’s essential to some of them staying sober, and he again strongly urges everyone to go. Seth is the first to announce, and we see the clip we saw earlier where he says he’s not sure, but he’s definitely going to sober living. One in, nice work. Seth joins Dr. Drew, and Brigitte is up next.

She says she’s a woman of integrity, which is why she probably should be going to sober living. She’s not going to sober living, but she’s giving 100% to the outpatient program. Drew says he believes her and what she’s planning, so two good decisions so far.

Chyna is next, and immediately she’s struggling for words. She says she has the structure and the will necessary to stay sober. Which is obviously bullshit. But she says she has more emotional issues to be tackled, so she wants to go to therapy to work on those things, but she never actually says yes or no if she’s going to sober living. But it’s a no. She hasn’t really had much trouble dealing with the actual sobriety, just the crazy coursing through her veins, so this seems like an ok decision. She was never going to sober living anyways.

Sober Whating? I’m going to Disneyland!

Ricco is up next and he’s been saying he’s going the whole time; there’s never been any doubt. But he’s doing a lot of talking, and he says his family is most important to him, not his sobriety, so he’s going to hit 90 meetings in 90 days, but he needs to be with his family right now. Drew seems fairly satisfied with this answer as well and he tells Ricco that he’s proud of him. Drew also says if there’s trouble, they can adjust for him.

Jaimee goes, and she’s flip-flopped a lot already, so who knows what she’s going to decide. She says she needs to change her life, but her decision is to not go to sober living. What a fucking surprise. She’s not going because it’s time for her to go out as a woman and do what she has to do. She says she’ll do outpatient treatment, but she won’t do sober living. This is a terrible decision because she’s been looking for a way out of any responsibility. Go out as a woman? Bullshit.

It’s Mary’s turn now, and who knows what she’s going to decide. She says she thinks she can be sober, and Drew says a lot of people are pulling her the other way. She asks him to let her finish, and it’s like the second time we’ve seen her with a backbone. Both times have been kind of misplaced, but whatever. So she continues and she says she’s ready to start a new career and go to meetings, but she’s just as crazy as Seth so she needs to go to sober living. Everyone cheers when she says that, and she set it up to sound like she wasn’t going. Good for her, maybe there’s hope for her bid for the presidency after all.

Stranger things have happened straight out of rehab.

Again Jessica is last, and she says as great as the experience has been, she’s determined to stay sober. So she’s going to sober living too. We know how well that turned out, right?

So this is where the journey ends. Nine people came in, seven come out, three to go sober living, and probably five are making the right decision. So what do you think? No spoilers (besides Jessica, kind of hard to avoid the press), how do you think these people are doing? Do you think they made the right decision? Isn’t Jaimee a bitch? Also, I saw a commercial for the reunion episode before I actually saw this episode and I was disgusted, so it looks like I’ll be back next week with more hate.