Welcome to the final chapter of The Challenge: Rivals… it’s the Shit They Should Have Shown!
No, Jenn, everyone’s already seen that, despite the large ship you tried to sail down De Nile.
Walnuts asks the producers if they think she cares at all about what they show on TV anymore. Well, I should hope not. She’s so far past the line, she can’t even see the line anymore. The line is a dot to her!
The cameraman scares Big Mike, and he yell-squeals adorably. After the credits, Laurel tells us that she somehow wound up in first class on their flight from Miami to Buenos Aires, and BananaNuts pretended to be a married couple in a (successful) attempt to also get bumped up to first class. Apparently there’s free alcohol in first class. My coach-flying ass will just have to take their word for it. Our first piece of shocking scoop: Paula Walnuts… enjoys taking advantage of free alcohol! I’ll give you a pause to scrape your jaw off of the floor.
Anywho, Johnny Nanners says that “first class” means you’re supposed to exhibit “class” while sitting there. That’s right: Johnny is giving us an etiquette lesson. This is what our lives have come to.
Well he does put the “ass” in class. He got that part right.
It seems the ever-sophisticated Paula drank so much red wine that she passed out and woke up with it dripping down her chin. Then, to top it off, she forgot that she was wearing noise-canceling headphones, thought she was deaf, and screamed at the top of their lungs. The other first class passengers, who were NOT wearing noise-canceling headphones, looked at her like the zoo animal she might as well be.
Evidently Jasmine’s freakout side is called Rashida. I still remember watching MJ as “MujaStar,” and my college roommate turning to me and asking if all Real Worlders have to have multiple personalities. It seems truer with each passing year, and we probably have The Miz to blame. Laurel says she would put her dukes up and beat up house plants she accidentally brushed against, and Kenny recalls her licking her fingers and running them along her eyebrows like an old-school badass.
“You talkin’ to me? Are you talking to ME?!”
Roy Lee says he reminded her it was being filmed, because apparently he still thinks other people care about looking human like he does. MikeMike says that while she was throwing her “I want to go home” fit, Adam came out and helicoptered his penis to cheer her up. ”If a swinging black penis can’t bring you back to normalcy, what can?” Adam ponders. Maybe that’s all America needs: a different kind of stimulus package.
Evan likens Tyrie getting angry to the Hulk starting to get angry but never fully Hulking out. Apparently the cameras “cockblocked” him once, causing him to run out to the pool, punch some water, and then do many belly flops. Then, when he started to cool off, Evan claimed he could do a better belly flop than Tyrie, starting a competition in which only Tyrie completed. I know Evan’s a master manipulator and all, but Tyrie really is stupid.
Check it out: the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man now comes in vanilla AND chocolate!
Ahhh yes, Fuck/Marry/Kill. Apparently a drunken game of this is a great way to start a fight in the Challenge house. Evan says he usually gets Married, and he’s not sure how he feels about it. Johnny says getting Married is almost as bad as being Killed, because you have to deal with one of those pain-in-the-ass women creatures that are all over the place. Mandi says no one wants to be Killed or Married, and if you’re not the person getting Fucked, it’s embarrassing.
Don’t worry Mandi, you’re always the one getting fucked. Guess you dodged a major embarrassment bullet.
I can’t get every part of this montage, but I’ll get some highlights: CT hilariously says he would never Marry Jenn because he’d wake up and she’d have a knife to his throat. (Apparently Jenn would Marry Johnny? That girl is dumber than I thought.) Poor MikeMike laments his perpetual Marry status. Awww, MikeMike, you’re just a catch! I’d Fuck you too, if that helps.
Roy Lee says he’d Fuck every girl in the house, “including Katelynn!” CT says he would “beat the brakes off Katelynn… ’til the wheels fall off.” Good Lord, what does that even MEAN?! I might have nightmares tonight. Kenny says he always gets Fucked. Yeah, sounds about right. Quothe Evan: ”Kenny gets Fucked a lot… and Johnny gets Killed every time.” Oh Evan, I hate to admit it but I’ve missed you. Everyone also wants to Kill Wes, who says his feeling don’t get hurt since he’s been Killed so many times over the years.
Roy Lee would also Kill Tyler, because his farts are so unbearably stinky.
Let’s all remind ourselves that we are dealing with the discerning nose of a professional GARBAGE MAN.
Damn, Tyler’s farts must REEK. I love how he tries to come across as the sophisticated, classy one, when the whole time he’s literally stinking up the joint. We watch everyone leave the room a couple of times after Tyler lets one loose. Poor MikeMike is gagging trying to talk about it, and Roy Lee says you need to leave the room because it can burn the eyebrows off of your face. Tyler can’t burp or whistle and can barely snap his fingers, but he can fart. A resume to be proud of, for sure. I can’t whistle either!
Next we learn about Challenge Jenga: remove planks from the top bunk, one by one, until naked Adam falls onto Laurel. They also played this game with (clothed) MikeNuts until they fell onto Johnny. This is one of the many, many straws before the straw that broke MikeMike’s sanity. Apparently after a month of relentless teasing, MikeMike cracked and started yelling at the Douches, including this gem (just in case MikeMike wasn’t amazing enough): ”How old are you Johnny? How old are you? You act like you’re fucking seven, grow the fuck up!” Johnny, between fits of laughter, insisted that he was “trying.” I wonder what he thinks that word means.
Apparently Johnny also tells Tyler to go hump various people, and Tyler happily complies because apparently almost everyone just does whatever Johnny says without question. Apparently Mike tried to get away from this, but Wes just let it happen. Wes says he barely remembers it but he’s having flashbacks, then asks what the number is for the Victim’s Hotline and where JWOWW is to tell him where to call.
JWOWW is unaware of your existence, as she has trained her eyes not to register skin tones lighter than Burnt Sienna.
Johnny tells us how lame females are when it comes to everything. But in this case, he’s talking about pranks. CT gets Camila and CM to put Vaseline on the guys’ bathroom doorknob, and beans next to the toilet to look like shit, both of which are pretty lame. Should have put a thin, invisible coat of Vaseline on the toilet seat, that might have made them a bit uncomfortable.
The guys retaliate by stealing the girls’ toilet seats so they can’t use the bathroom. CM recounts wrestling with Nehemiah (guess he didn’t ALWAYS keep his distance from the Douches) over a dirty toilet seat and realizes how far her life has fallen.
Oh good, it’s time for our latest installment of Wes is Lame: apparently he fails at pranks just like he fails at strategy and, well, everything else. Apparently one night he was the only one awake, and in his boredom he decided to “barricade” the doors by stacking furniture in front of them. Problem is, the doors opened the other way so it was an even milder inconvenience than originally intended. Johnny tells us production was so pissed that they made Wes move everything back by himself the next day. Wes admits that it wasn’t the best prank in the world (WHAT?! Did Wes just admit he was a notch below perfection?), but he was bored and it was all he could think of at the time.
And therein lies the problem: Wes tried to do that “thinking” thing again.
Evan informs us that Johnny is the only person who brings things other than clothes to these adventures. Among the things he lists: weird costumes, things that blow up, feathers, glue, and dildos. Johnny asks us why you WOULDN’T bring a big black dildo, and thinks it would be more weird if he DIDN’T bring it. Johnny’s brain is on such a mindboggling level of fuckitude, it’s amazing to think that he’s probably got a few more years of these things ahead of him and how much more insane he can get.
One of the many MikeMike pranks involved putting the black dildo in his toiletry bag and convincing all of the girls that it was his. Mandi, shockingly, believed it. Oh Mandi, you do so much for the reputation of women.
Now it is time for some naked Adam antics. Apparently he spends more than his fair share of time in the nude. Johnny took this as an invitation to apply Tiger Bomb (this is not Tiger Blood, sadly, apparently it’s just another type of IcyHot) to Adam’s nether regions. Kenny clarifies that this involved Johnny sticking his fingers up Adam’s ass. Apparently it was rather unpleasant for the little 140 pound chicken wing, but Johnny informs us that Adam kept his clothes on after that.
“In other words, my plan backfired, dammit. Duh, #losing.”
Evan and Laurel had a “fight,” in which Evan’s weapon was the Tiger Bomb and Laurel’s weapon was the black dildo. We get a very satisfying montage of Laurel beating the shit out of Evan with the black dildo, causing Evan to pose the age-old question “What doesn’t black dildo beat?”
Apparently Wes liked to cuddle with the black dildo at night when Mandi was otherwise occupied. Wes claims that “when you’re comfortable with your sexuality, you’re allowed to confuse people.” Wes is the EPITOME of trying too hard: to be funny, to be liked, to be hated, to be entertaining, etc. Quote: ”Johnny brought the dildo, I just used the dildo. Wait-stop-dammit!”
It seems the origin of SodaGate was Tyler spitting/throwing chewed up food at CM. Wow, Tyler just gets worse by the minute. CM spit her food back at him, and it led to the massive wrestling match that came before the drama. Everyone ripped clothes off of each other and there were literally human bodies being used as projectiles. Kenny wonders how he’s going to explain this to his girlfriend. Well, hindsight (literally hindsight- Tyler’s ass hit him in the face) is 20/20. Also, if she’s dating you, she should know what she’s getting into by now.
In addition to the various primates already occupying the house, a wild jungle monkey also liked to frequent the abode. Leroy says everyone wanted to pet it, which he thinks is ridiculous since it’s a wild animal. Apparently Laurel in particular was fond of the monkey, which makes sense since she was so attracted to the often ape-like CT.
Ladies and Gentlegasmii, the most civilized member of the household. Damn, Andy Serkis really IS convincing in this role. This is how the ape takeover will begin.
Evan, for his part, also liked to engage in conversation with the monkey. Sounds about right. Adam reminds us that the Jungle they did would have benefited from a monkey’s advice, but it certainly didn’t seem to work for Evan.
What do you know? Costa Rica also had bugs! They put them in Paula’s hair to scare her, and Kenny put one down Johnny’s shorts. Yay, more nether region hijinks! It is actually quite fun to watch Johnny literally squirm for once.
Laurel has passed out on a couch, and the Douche Brigade has taken this opportunity to pick up said couch and flip it into the pool. It actually looks like they almost miss and drop the couch upside down on her on the concrete, but they make it into the pool and Laurel takes her sweet time surfacing. Evan informs us that there was some concern, but not enough to actually attempt to rescue her because he’s sensitive like that.
He then tells us that when Laurel did surface (because she does not need your “saving,” asshole), she did not agree. Literally, she just kept saying “I do not agree” over and over. Can’t really blame her, that’s a rude awakening from a drunken sleep, I’d be incoherent too. Plus no one with any self-respect whatsoever should agree with something JEK does.
CM informs us that she is the queen of chicken fights.
Careful, CM, Michael Vick got into a lot of trouble for something like that. Although it’s probably okay in the jungles of Costa Rica.
She reveals her strategies: go for the jugular, or go for the bra tops. She chooses bra tops as a crowd pleaser, and Evan informs us how pathetic everyone who participates in such silliness is. It’s for lonely guys and girls who want to take their tops off. So is Spring Break, Evan. Kudos to you for staying so far above the fray, as always.
One time, on the bus ride to the challenge, they mooned the cameras trying to get shots of the bus driving to the challenge. Hate to break it to you guys, but they can just use the footage from EVERY OTHER TIME. Adam says they have great asses, and the world needs to see them. The FCC begs to differ, Adam. They won’t even let Eminem be, they tried to shut him down on MTV, but it feels so empty without him.
Now we get to relive the antics of Johnny and Leroy acting as doormen for the toga party. Laurel and CM had to do a “standing 69,” which is something I have never heard of before but apparently it’s dirty enough that the words need to get bleeped out. They can still show it though. Mandi’s one and only talent is apparently demonstrating her lack of a gag reflex, so naturally that was her entrance fee.
After this, Wes’ must feel like a Cheeto. Come to think of it, it probably looks like one too.
Evidently they wanted Wes to eat a cucumber out of Tyler’s asshole, which he declined. Holy shit, Wes has limits?! This show is more revealing than I ever dreamed possible! He claims he’s not adding to the “Shit show gay montage.” Remember, this is the same guy who only minutes ago was discussing his love for the big black dildo.
After all of that, they settle on him eating Evelyn’s ponytail. This is a big deal, or something. Paula says maybe this is why they don’t belong in normal society, because they eat hair. No, Walnuts, the reason you don’t belong in normal society is the fact that eating hair doesn’t even REGISTER on the list of weird things we’ve seen tonight.
Sarah (I forgot she was even ON this season) is apparently gifted in the skill of handwriting analysis, so she had everyone write the same sentence anonymously while she was out of the room. Upon her return, she immediately singled out the one written by CT and declared it the work of someone insane, psychotic, borderline dangerous, not trustworthy, etc. CT, for his part, was very offended by this attack on his character via his handwriting. The best part is when he points out to Sarah that he signed it, “cause that’s how honest I am!” and walks away.
Johnny then informs us that CT’s bunkmates said he used to read them stories about serial killers as bedtime stories.
“Listen, they were all out of ‘Goodnight Moon’ at Border’s. They’re going out of business, the selection is getting shitty.”
Paula is aghast that this is what CT does to calm himself down. Poor, innocent bystander MikeMike says it’s the worst night he’s ever had. The way CT jokes about being the “craziest guy in the house” makes me think he did it just to scare everyone, which is awesome.
From serial killers to sexcapades. Only on reality TV. Apparently CT claims he was taking a dump and Mandi burst in on him so he jumped out the window to get away from her. Mandi says they were hooking up and production was going to catch them, so he jumped out the window. Much as I hate to side with Mandi, I find CT’s version of events more than a little far-fetched. Even CT can barely keep a straight face as he’s telling it. Various other cast members agree that jumping out a tiny second-floor window is an instant sign of guilt.
Hey, remember Paula 2.0? The blow-up doll that MikeMike turned to after being denied Walnuts’ carnal treasure? Everyone discusses her lovely attributes and says the amount of attention she received from MikeMike bordered on creepy.
Why? She’s 30% less plastic and 8X more lifelike.
Roy Lee tells us that even though MikeMike is his boy, he had to pull a robbery on Paula 2.0. MikeMike says it’s perfectly acceptable for Roy Lee to take care of her, “but if Wes touched her… that’s crossing the line.” AWESOME. Mike says jealousy of Paula 2.0 is the only thing that got Paula 1.0 to come back to him. He was probably better off with the blowup doll.
Yet another part of MikeMike’s “initiation” was for him to wring Johnny’s wet, dirty sock into his mouth. He can’t even talk about it without gagging and Leroy says no way is that worth $20. Adam also gags. Johnny says it’s one of the most “stomach-turning” things he’s ever seen, and that’s assuming he looks at himself in the mirror fairly often. Paula can’t believe MikeMike was trying to get with her and just drank a sock. And that asshole Johnny didn’t even pay him! Johnny says he’s got $20 with Mike’s name on it. Anyone who thinks Mike will ever see that, speak up now. *crickets*
Apparently Brandon and Nehemiah are quite good at rap battles. We’re informed that there was a momentous occasion on which JEK were all sitting at a table together and none of them had anything to say. Nehemiah even ends one of his with “Camera, get it, the first time Evan is ever speechless.” LOVE IT. Evan admits he’s out of his league in a rap battle, which somehow surprises Kenny because he says Evan has a big mouth and is usually witty and quick.
Of course, this is Kenny we’re talking about, so “witty” and “quick” are relative.
Awww, apparently Roy Lee is terrible at rap battles. ”So stereotypical,” he says, “I’ve probably been in jail too, huh?!” HA! I still love this kid. Everything he does is awesome, only made more awesome by the stupidity surrounding him.
Oh, what do you know? Pool in tropical Costa Rica = sex and nudity. The only math equation most of these fools can comprehend. As the girls enjoy some quality pool time in various states of undress, the guys are befuddled buffoons. CT wakes up a disbelieving Leroy to witness the event, thus proving he understands Bro Code. Apparently the straight guys were too afraid to take part in the festivities for fear of shrinkage.
Evan informs us that he will not play Truth or Dare with “these kids,” because none of them tell the truth, and losing a dare is why he’s on the show in the first place. He doesn’t want to kiss any of them or suck their farts or play any of their other weird games. (Those are his words, by the way, not mine.)
“I get all of the kissing and fart-sucking I need with Kenny in our Cuddle Fort.”
Does anyone else remember at the end of an episode, I think it was on The Ruins, the cameras caught Kenny and Evan in a bottom bunk with a blanket draped down from the top bunk? I swear it happened, but I’m hoping someone else remembers it and I’m not going crazy.
Apparently after many years of triple kissing, Jenn is now above that. She’s a classy one, that Jenn. Also, triple kissing does not look like any fun, ever. Tyler applauds Jenn for her “standards.” Yes, I’m serious. Shut up, Tyler. MikeMike says it was “weird and upsetting,” but he won by getting “the oldest woman in the house.” Then he shows off his muscles. Adorable.
Tyler made out with CM and declared her a “very good kisser.” CM returned the favor by calling Tyler “sweaty.” Laurel and Mandi made out, yawn. Leroy apparently has a beautiful, kissable ass, a point that will not be argued by yours truly.
Apparently Paula would rather be bottomless than topless. I… am speechless. Not even sure what to say about that. Kenny wonders what the point is of getting fake boobs if you’re not going to show them off. Paula says everyone always asks her why she does this like she does most things, which is backwards, upside down, and inside out. She doesn’t know why they ask her such ridiculous questions.
The real question is “Who are these people and why are they trying to apply logic to the antics of someone known as ‘Paula Walnuts?’”
Oh look, Adam is naked again. Jenn likens him to a spider monkey, which I think she means as a compliment, so this must have happened before the reunion. Apparently even production got sick of naked Adam and started asking him to put his clothes on. Seriously, blurring that shit out is a lot of work. I remember when Teck and Ruthie, who practically invented being naked on TV, cost poor MTV money because they had no idea they’d have to do that much censoring.
MikeMike says Adam “has a nice schlong,” but “it’s an odd color.” Al…righty then. Paula has seen the nuts of every single guy in the house, and Ev is disgusted when one of them puts his balls in her face. (Actually, I heard that she broke a couple of ribs on this Challenge and didn’t tell production because she didn’t want to be sent home, and on second look it appears that she was in pain from that, not the balls. Ev is a BADASS, you guys.)
Johnny ponders the reasons that Tyler always loses his pants, and first on the list is that he’s “hung like a rhinoceros.”
WTF?! Is that supposed to be a compliment? That shit is pointy, and that is NOT OKAY!
Various cast members inform us that nothing shocks them anymore. There is no line or shame, only guilt. Thank you, Captains Obvious.
And with that, we close the book on RIVALS! This Shit (oh, excuse me: $#!+) show was kind of lame, but oh well. Thank you guys for an amazing season, I know I sound like a broken record but your comments have made this SO much fun. Feel free to share any last thoughts on this show and/or the season, and I’ll be back in a few weeks for another season of The Real World: San Diego. Between this past Vegas season and my love for the original San Diego season, this one is going to have a LOT to live up to. Hope to see you there!