Charm School: All the entertaining stuff that we edited out for no good reason

Last week on Charm School, Marcia stressed about not being able to drink while in New Orleans, some charity work was done, Kip tried to pretend she wasn’t a bitch, and Brittanya got sent home. Yeah, basically the same thing that’s happened on every single episode of Charm School this season. This week we get a bonus clip show though, and even though it seems a bit redundant to recap a recap show, I’m gonna do it anyway.

We start off with Stryker and Lala telling us all what an exciting season it’s been on Charm School. Yeah, uh, saying something doesn’t make it true guys. Here, watch: I swim naked in my giant vat of hundred dollar bills while accompanied by naked female leads from Joss Whedon shows.

So we see some teaser clips that look in involve a lot of farting and jumping around screaming at people. We are promised “Never before seen” clips, and I know I’m just bouncing up and down trying to contain my excitement. Oh, and hold on just a tick…

So, really fast montage of girls getting drunk, falling over, hitting their heads, and generally behaving like idiots. Ricki makes some comment to a crew guy about losing twenty I.Q. points, but I don’t feel bad for her cause she’s getting paid the big bucks for putting up with this crap. I’m losing I.Q. points for free here, people! When I fail my first calc test next semester I’m blaming this show.

Stryker reminds us all that Brittanya was eliminated last week, and we get to see some more of Ricki’s patented sad faces.

“It’s so haaaaaard, to say goodbyyyyyeyeye, to yesterdaaaaaaaay.”

Stryker and Lala tell us that throughout the show they’ll be revealing some “Lost Commandments” of Charm School, the first of which is Thou Shalt at Least Try to be a Lady Ummm… Shouldn’t that have maybe been a found commandment. I mean, isn’t that kind of the entire mission statement of this whole stupid show? Whatever, we see some clips of the girls being slightly less than ladylike. Marcia runs around sniffing her armpits, K.O. talks about not liking white creamy things in her mouth, and Risky takes a bite of something and then quickly regrets it.

Okay, someone needs to send me an email and tell me how to do an animated gif on here, because the fact that I can’t do one for this next clip is just a travesty. Cut to Marcia lying on the bed with a cowboy hat on her ass. She farts, and you actually see the cowboy hat get lift-off.

We then see that Marcia clearly has a fishing line attached to the hat, but I’m pretty sure the fart noises were real at least. Risky says it smelled like vinegar and something dead, and I am taking notes because this is clearly how you become refined enough to be in the final three around here. Fart jokes? Check.

Then we get five more minutes of clips of various Charm School contestants farting loudly. Guess we have to appeal to that eight-year-old-boy demographic, since I’m sure they’re all watching Charm School and not X-Men or whatever the kids are into these days.

Natasha is explaining to Brit and Marcia what an enema is, and she refers to it as a “Butt douche.” Buahahahahahahaha! Oh, I am forever going to refer to enemas at butt douches from here on out. Not that I really have a lot of chances in my daily life to refer to enemas at all, but I will be looking for opportunities now.

So we get to observe about five minutes of talking about poop and going poop and what poop smells like, which segues into a discussion on boobs and real boobs and fake boobs and boob sweat. Do you see what I mean about losing I.Q. points? I should take an I.Q. test every Saturday before I do my recap, and then again on Sunday after it’s done. I bet the results would be startling.

We get a quick recap of Gia’s surprise elimination (which I think was only a surprise to her) and subsequent hissy fit/strip tease by the pool. Ahhh… Charm School. You started out so bright and full of hope for an entertaining season. Where did you go wrong?

On a lighter note, we get to see the girls pulling pranks on each other. Now, I’m a big fan of roommate pranks. I once put beef boullion cubes in the shower-head thinking my roommate would turn on the shower, see that the water was brown, come out and tell me I sucked, and then go use my bathroom to get ready. See, the problem is that I forgot my roommate liked to “Wake and bake” and he took an entire shower in beef broth, headed off to work, and couldn’t figure out why he kept smelling Ramen everywhere he went. That, my friends, is a fucking roommate prank. On Charm School the best they can come up with is hiding in a hamper and jumping out when girls walk by.

Stryker and Lala tell us that the next Lost Commandment is Thou Shalt Shake Thy Booty. Uhhh… Really? I don’t think any of them had a problem with ass-shaking before they got to Charm School. We get to see a very drunk Gia try and do a booty shake, but she’s flat on the floor so it really just looks like she’s doing some sort of hands-free masturbation technique. Marcia does a cute little Brazilian booty shake, but I have to call her out on something:

That leads us into a really long clip of Bubbles dancing. It’s not entertaining. I guess it could have been if it had been like thirty seconds long, but I can only watch her dance around like an idiot for so long before I just don’t care anymore. Just when I think I’m gonna start getting sleepy we get the announcement that it’s time for:

Kip has made a Hot Pocket and would like some Ranch dressing to dip it in. She finds the bottle, but it’s safety sealed. I don’t know if maybe the Vh1 producers super-glued that plastic cover down or what, but the ensuing battle with the Ranch dressing is the best thing I’ve seen on Charm School all year.

They eventually get the bottle open, by which point Kip has eaten her entire Hot Pocket anyway. Seriously Vh1, please just lock Farrah and Kip in a kitchen with cameras and put it on the air. Please?

So after a brief commercial interlude we get a lead-in from Stryker about the ladies having unrealistic aspirations. Honestly, anything but your own Vh1 show is probably unrealistic for you ladies, but hey, I’m sure there’s something way more outlandish coming up.

Cue Bubbles, who’s sitting in a hot-tub. She tells Farrah and Kip that if she gets to be an animal in her next life she wants to be a dolphin, and then asks them what they want to be. This dialogue is awesome, so I’m just gonna transcribe it word-for-word.

Kip: “Why would we have that choice?”
Bubbles: “I’m saying if we had the choice I would wanna be a dolphin.”
Kip: “I don’t wanna talk about it, it’s weird.”
Bubbles: “That is weird?”
Farrah: “I’ve never even thought about that situation.”
Farrah (in confessional): “Man, Bubbles is a sweet girl but she is the dumbest bitch I’ve ever met in my life. I thought me and Ashley were stupid as shit but she’s taking home the award for being the dumbest fuck”

God I miss Farrah. Bring her back! Bring her back and make her open Ranch Dressing all day long!

Stryker gives us our third lost commandment, which really really should have been a regular commandment, Thou Shalt Be Civil With Others. Cue montage of angry girls screaming at each other. Yeah, remember that from the first few episodes? Back when we thought we were gonna see blood and fighting and excitement?

After listening to the screamy bus from hell for a few minutes we cut to Farrah and Kip giving K.O. a stripper makeover.

There’s some slutty dancing and stripper-name giving, but nothing too exciting. To break up the tedium Vh1 gives us a short montage of people falling down. It’s great to watch, because people falling down is always funny, but there’s nothing worth recapping. You should just watch the episode. If you wanna skip over the rest of the crap, the falling down stuff is around the 20 minute mark on the full episode at Vh1.com

So we get a clip that Vh1 has titled airheads and we cut to 3bay telling us she likes to suck on helium. I’m not sure how I never noticed this before, but does 3bay wear just one giant hoop earring all the time?

The ladies are all sucking back helium and talking funny and laughing and it’s all light-hearted and looks like a good time. Bubbles natural voice plus helium is kind of hilarious, especially when it takes her a second to realize the helium wore off and that’s just her regular voice again. Then something incredibly creepy happens. See, Tranny doesn’t know how to suck helium. She’s never done it before and requires instruction. Risky shows her, and I watch Tranny suck down an entire balloon full of helium and when she talks her voice is much MUCH deeper. Like the way your voice sounds when you’ve been sucking back balloons full if nitrous deeper. Uhh… Not that I suck back balloons full of nitrous or anything… Uh, yeah, but anyway, Tranny with the uber-deep voice will haunt my nightmares forever! If you didn’t watch it, I demand that you go to the website, pull up the episode, and fast forward it to 23:20. Seriously, someone else needs to share in my trauma.

The producers realize that I’m horribly traumatized, so they grace me with another episode of Bitchin’ in the Kitchen. Yay!!!!!! This installment involves Kip and Farrah trying to open a pack of hot dogs. Okay, seriously Vh1 producers, just make a show called Ashley and Farrah try and open things and I promise I’ll watch. I’ll make other people watch, I’ll do recaps, and I’ll buy Pepsi products. Just please do this one little thing for me.

Of course we can’t have Kip and Farrah in a room with phallic objects without some inappropriateness going on.

So, of course, Kip struggles to get the package open, all the while talking about wanting a man who was packing that much meat. Gross. Okay, so I’m a lesbian and “packing meat” is just never a phrase that will get my motor running, but still, gross.\

They finally get the hot dogs open and set them up in their little hot dog cooker. I’m starting to think about running to 7-11 to get a hot dog because I’m hungry and they look good, but then Kip says, “That reminds me of Brett Michaels” and I suddenly don’t think I’m ever gonna eat another hot dog again. Kip tells Farrah that Brett wore a bandana on his cock, and I honestly don’t know if she’s joking. Somehow that wouldn’t really surprise me.

Thus ends another awesome episode of Bitchin’ in the Kitchen, and I’ve got my fingers crossed that we’ll get at least one more before the hour is up.

Back to Stryker and Lala, who tell us that Kip helped to teach Marcia how to speak better English. Yeah… Do you really want a language instructor who can’t open a bottle of Ranch dressing? We see Kip and Marcia sitting on the bed and Marcia is bitching about having a huge “Yellowhead” on her chin.

Kip points out that it’s called a whitehead, and Marcia thinks that’s dumb because it looks yellow to her. Um, yeah, gross. Not quite as gross as the meat packing, but still. Gross.

On the short-bus, Marcia makes some comment about telling girls to “Stop getting your panties wet.” Kip is kind enough to inform her that the correct saying is, “Stop getting your panties in a wad.” Marcia does NOT believe her. Risky laughs and tries to explain that wet panties mean something else entirely, but Marcia seems to think it makes sense because when you’re all wound up and frustrated your panties get wet. Ummm… I think I missed that logic train. Unless you’re so wound up you’re pissing yourself, or if frustration is some weird sort of fetish for you…?

Marcia says she’s heard people say, “Don’t get your panties all watered up.” and Risky tells her it’s wadded up, not watered. A lightbulb goes on over Marcia’s head and she suddenly feels really silly for telling so many girls to stop wetting their panties. Buahhahaha. Language barriers can be so entertaining sometimes.

It’s next lost commandment time, and this one is, Thou Shalt Know When to Say When We get another “Never before seen” clip that really should have been left in because it’s far more entertaining than any of the crap they aired originally. K.O. and Tranny grab a case of beer and hop in the hot-tub.

Some girl from the crew comes over and tells them they can’t have any beer and tries to take it all away. They never really explain why they’re suddenly not allowed to drink, but my guess is that these two aren’t that entertaining when they’re smashed. Booze is expensive, Vh1 is cheap, and they want to save all the liquor for the hot messes that will take their tops off and cry about stuff.

So the poor lady in the pink shirt tries desperately to take all the beer away, but K.O. finds a few cans and her and Tranny run around in circles, evading the crew lady while chugging beer. It’s pretty awesome, and it made me hum the theme song to Benny Hill in my head.

Eventually they manage to chug all their pilfered cans of beer and with that the chase is over. Time to get serious now and talk about Marcia’s drinking problem. I’ve said this before, but fuck, Charm School repeats shit all the time so I think I should be allowed to as well. I am very proud of Marcia. I know how hard it is to quit drinking when you’re surrounded by booze and alcoholics. I also don’t want to fucking hear about it anymore. Just be sober or don’t be sober. Stop making it into the basis of every single episode.

We also find out that during several of the other girls’ confessionals Marcia busted in with shots for them. Why didn’t we get to see this shit? Why was Vh1 so intent on boring the living hell out of us? Sorry, I’m still a little bitter.

So hey, does everyone remember last week when I said that the most entertaining thing that happened was Kip screaming about corn dogs and Snapple? Well it turns out that Kip dragged Risky and Brit to a strip club, ogled a bunch of strippers, was loud and obnoxious, got in a fight with some old guy, and got everyone thrown out. Really, Vh1? Really? You thought you should leave this part out, why??????

Sensing my seething hatred, Vh1 gives me another episode of Bitchin’ in the Kitchen. Yay again! This installment is all about trying to figure out what kind of meat is on your plate. Kip has some sort of white meat in her salad and she’s freaking out because she doesn’t know what it is. After a while of discussing various meat products Farrah tells her it’s pork. Kip thinks that pork is exclusively bacon, and thus believes that Farrah is lying to her. Farrah tells her it’s pork like pork chop, and the argument is settled. Hmmm… Kinda funny, but I think I like Kip and Farrah better when they’re trying to open stuff.

Stryker and Lala are back to give us our final lost commandment: Thou Shalt Steer Clear of Britney Starr Ouch! Sorry Pornstalk. I mean, I agree, but damn!

Cue the montage of Pornstalk being a great big psycho. She’s fighting with Risky and then Beverly and then Kip and then, well, you get the idea. Nobody likes her and Vh1 thinks that’s funny. Porn tells the cameras that the girls pick on her because they can sense her inner strength and know she won’t fight back.

We see Kip get held back from spitting on her, we see her and Farrah get in a shoving match after Porn throws a bunch of food at Farrah, and then there’s the glorious reshowing of Bev ripping Porn’s hair out before getting the boot. Other peoples’ psychiatric disorders are funny, but only if they’re on television. That’s the rule, I think.

So that’s the end of our clip show. Did anyone else watch it? I promise it wasn’t nearly as boring as the rest of the season has been. Next week is the finale, and then I’ll be making the jump over to recapping Tool Academy. From slutbags to douchebags… Uh… I have no idea if that’s a step up or a step down, but I’m looking forward to it either way.