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Happy Christmas times, everyone! Here is a little stocking stuffer for you all. A slutty one, but those are the best kind, anyway? And it all comes down to this, but we all know that it’s all about next week’s reunion episode. I mean, right? Let’s get through this so we can get to the good stuff.
Girl-on-girl for your Christmas!
So practically the first ten minutes is a recap of each girl’s journey. It’s all footage we’ve seen before at least three times this season and I’d recap it, but this shit is an hour and a half (for real, Vh1?) and I’m taking it as a Christmas gift from the recapping gods.
Anyway, let’s start with the new stuff. We learn Lacy can’t cook and that the kitchen is one crazy optical illusion rooms with the checkered floors.
Brandi M. appears thirty feet tall on the other side.
Actually Lacy is surprised she’s still there. As she should be. She says that she’s trying to move forward but she says it with the same devil smirk and lucifer eyes. I’m more inclined to believe Paris Hilton really was looking for a new BFF.
The girls gather on the balcony to read a note about their final challenge. All the girls looking seriously old and haggard and busted in the face.
Schlock of love.
Sharon’s xoxo note is all about giving back and how heartwarming it is to do charity. Lacy is totally stoked because she likes helping. Mainly animals since they can’t tell her what an ugly bitchface she is, but she’ll take homeless people since they’ll probably leave out the ugly part.
They meet with Sharon and what appears to be ROL Big John’s older, leather daddy brother. Yow-za! So the last commandment is “Thou shalt rock unto others” and I’m not saying its meaningless, but didn’t we already have one like this when they had to learn how to work together and play nice? I’m not going to push this point because Sharon might rip my weave out.
Let’s just meet Sid Mendelbaum or Mindlebum something rock and roll sounding like that. Rock and roll like James Blunt. Anysnore, he runs a charity called “Rock and Wrap It Up” which sounds like it should be the official mantra of all rockstars. I move to make stickers with this motto and sell to bands everywhere.
I used to have long hair till I said Kelly was ugly and then she ripped all of it out and mockingly shouted in my face, “Rock and rip it out, bitch!”
Anyway, it’s actually a charity for the homeless, not man whore rockstars. He takes all the rocker leftovers (food, not bitches) from all the catering that happens at concerts and wraps it up for the less fortunate. I wish I thought like that. I’m too busy thinking about my knee high socks and text messaging to be concerned about others. It feels American.
Lacy jumps in all, I’ve helped the homeless! And their pets. Of course she helps the pets. (Btw, it’s a total pet peeve of mine to see dogs with homeless people, all mangy and malnourished. Don’t bring the animals down with you. At least at the pound they get shots.)
Okay not to make this a recap about my personal pet peeves, but NOT a fan of the “give/giving” situation we have down here.
I say, Consistent conjugation of verbs? Who gives a what what. That’s not rock and roll or charitable.
It makes me think that he’s trying to express two different things especially when he reads it as is with the emphasis on “give” and “giving” like they have two different manifestations, but whatever. Because now Destiney is talking about how she grew up in a trailer park on welfare. Convenient how she didn’t mention it till it came time to give her an insider advantage in the competition. Sorry, Christmas is bringing out the Scroogey bitch in me.
So now a dude from Union Station comes out and he’s partners with Sid’s organization and he also helps people not be homeless. Now it’s Brandi M.’s turn to chime in about growing up on welfare. We know Lacy’s a rich bitch so she’s not going to say anything, but she’s got PETA on speed dial so I guess that means she’s nice or something.
Poor People Smiles are Rich People Teeth Baring.
So today their challenge is to get things that the residents need for the organization and they’re going to set up booths on Hollywood Blvd and ask for donations. Whoever gets the most dollar amount immediately goes on to the Final Two, the other two will be up for expulsion.
He gives a list of what they need which ranges from tampons to bicycles. I guess if there’s one place people wil be wandering around with bikes and menstrual products they don’t want it’s Hollywood. But first it’s time for the twist! They’re going to be getting “help” from the Charm School rejects. But it won’t be REAL help of course, because don’t be silly. A-list celebrities don’t do real help! That’s right…Heather’s back!
I still am, bitch.
Brandi M. gets stuck with fucktart Megan who looks like she’s wearing her dress backwards. Flip that puppy around and you got a lovely olive frock with a built in Glory Hole!
That’s why I always say it goes from day to night perfectly.
Brandi M. makes a shocked face and then we get the clip of the Dog Allergy Lie of 2008 and Brandi M. taking it in the crotch. This should be swell. Brandi M. says Megan looks hot. As long as you don’t look at her face. Keep your eye on the glory hole.
And then Destiney gets Brandi C., she of the loogie hawking prowess, but they already made up so it’s really not that awful of a match up, though Destiney starts acting like she got stuck with an Ork, when it’s kind of common knowledge that when she’s not around Megan or Lacy, Brandi C. is pretty sweet anyway.
And for the record, hate me if you will, I LOVE Brandi C. Ever since the original ROL when she said her little baby doll voice “I miss my cat. Like abnormally I miss my cat”. It made me start saying abnormally in front of everything. Like “abnormally I want to be friends with Brandi C.” Look at her. I want to make a plushie out of her.
I just came out of a bunny rabbit incarnation. I’m allowed to have muffin brains.
Anyway, so they’re getting paired with their nemesis just to step up and show that they can put their differences aside. I would say Brandi M. got it worst, but I’m keeping an open mind. Maybe Heather will get all A-list and sit there and file her nails. Dare to dream. Sharon says that she’s evil for matching them up like this, but even Sharon’s “evil face” isn’t as c*nty as Lacy’s “nice” face. You either got it or you don’t.
So Megan can barely contain her delight to be having more time on national television to flaunt her busted mug. The pairs get ten minutes to strategize and then part ways until they meet again on Hollywood Boulevard. And no, she’s not talking about when the show wraps and they start turning tricks again.
Anyway, Brandi C. and Destiney cozy up on a chair, just how I imagine Brandi C. does everything. Cute and cuddly and cozy.
Would you also like to push our boobs together so we can think better?
Heather and Lacy agree that they want to put everything aside in the name of CHARITY, which means Heather didn’t get the memo that “Rock and Wrap It Up” wasn’t a charity for A-list groupies.
Over at Camp Glory Hole, Megan is bringing the booze over to get the party started! Homelessness is such a lark!
Pandering to rich men to marry me on Vh1 is how I keep from being homeless. See? I’m a natural at helping the homeless!
Brandi M. got screwed because she got the worst one, which still makes me sad because I rooted for Megan and not that Cecile bitch on Beauty and the Geek. In fact, ever since then Megan’s acted just like Cecile. The unspoken tragedy in this story being that I actually know and care.
So Megan announces that she is here to submarine Brandi M. She presents to her a brilliant idea of dressing up Brandi M. like a homeless person flagrantly making a mockery of the process. Megan clearly not liking to wrap it up.
We end this painful thing because their ten minutes is up and the girls need to get changed. Brandi M. moans about how Megan is going to eff this up. Destiney tries to console her and then confesses that Brandi M. should be worried. Gasp. Another Charm School LIE.
They send these bitches off and they get their little booths set up and is Megan a giant or is Brandi M. short?
We are just standing on one of those illusion floors.
Riki is there to go over the rules of what’s acceptable and Daniela is there to be useless. Actually she says that they can’t go in the stores and everything has to be in the time limit. Thanks, Daniela, for showing up.
And the clock is ticking. Brandi C. and Destiney go off in different directions and Destiney tries to stand outside of a convenience store to get people to go in and buy things. Destiney seems completely ineffective. Brandi C. looks like she’s coming up to offer sex for money.
Megan successfully gets some goods from a girl coming out of Famima and then successfully leaves them on the sidewalk, which is all part of her Brilliant Sabotage Plan. Wow, some lucky man is gonna get to be married to her forever and ever.
Anyway, the store by their booth wants to donate some products and Megan ushers Brandi M. off telling her that she’s got it covered. She enacts Step Two of BSP which is to put the products in Lacy’s bin. Thank god Brandi M. catches her trick ass, but Megan still insists she still only got a few of the items. And then this inexplicably appears on the screen:
Call her pimp Richard Flores if you need Useless Glory Hole Sabotage by the hour.
Step three is to only get the cheapest item: pens. Homeless people need to effusively journal too. Good thinking, Glory Hole. She gets like ten broken pencils and Richard Flores’s number still blasts across the screen. Operators are standing by!!
Now time to check in on Lacy who is stomping along the sidewalk like she’s on a mission from hell. She seems to be doing well at first getting people to go into stores and purchase things, but then she gets blown off by a bunch of people and then she suddenly gets really PO-ed that no one likes to be traffic stopped and harassed as they go about their afternoon. Truly shocking. (Aside: There’s always–ALWAYS– solicitors outside of Whole Foods and I’m always polite, but one day I know I’m going to crack and scream at them that I don’t want to feel like a bad person because all I want to do is get my hot food bar mac and cheese and I don’t feel like being chatty with strangers when I’m hungry. Lacy needs to walk a mile in my shoes.)
Lacy then takes it to another level when she starts verbally abusing the people and yelling at them about not liking homeless people. This woman from Wisconsin will never visit LA again.
You thought Hollywood was all glam and sex in hot tubs and cocaine and only Berkeley people were non profit weirdos. Oh no! Fat red state person! LA has militant c*ntfaces too!
Megan continues on her Pen Hunt and Lacy continues heckling homeless-hating tourists. Thank bejesus she’s not outside of my Whole Foods. I really would get in a brawl with her. I mean business when I waste my money on high end organic retailers.
Some lady wants to go buy a bike and Lacy starts telling her that she’s a selfless bitch because she wants to buy a bike. “You should be proud of yourself!” she screams after he sarcastically. Yes, it is selfish to go to the bike store and buy yourself a bike. Never do it.
The rest of the girls are jaws to the floor, but the real icing on the cake is that she’s doing this in front of the Deans.
You wanna donate some Frankie B jeans, plastic face? Yeah, I thought so. Dogs hate you.
Brandi M. starts hustling her ass off since she’s basically on her own here and is sweet as pie to people and doing quite well. She starts racking up the items and Destiney watches and wishes her well. Uh, is Destiney in this challenge?
Ugh. Well, I’ll be honest. I don’t like homeless people either.
Destiney is scared of strangers but then the pendulum swings the other direction and isn’t afraid to ask one guy for the shirt off his back. One guy says that he can’t help because he has to spend money on girls, which is a pretty great reason. Another guy offers one flip flop. Only on Hollywood Blvd, folks. I am proud to call this place home.
Brandi wanders around like her little muffin brains self and isn’t that effective, but we get a nice back shot where you can see exactly where her extensions start and her hair ends. I always wondered.
Then the girls start doing photo ops with the people that recognize them. Megan’s tatas fall out.
Real models charge to take topless pictures, low rent Trophy Wife.
It all comes down to the final minute and the hos are running around like crazy getting the last of the items. Lacy inexplicably has bags of stuff. Brandi M. scores a winter coat off of someone. Probably because this was filmed in July and he didn’t really need it.
Anyway, they wrap things up and head back, much to the dismay of the large crowd that has gathered hoping to see more of Megan’s glory hole.
Back at the mansion, the rejects are still hanging around and Lacy is mooning over Brandi C. and Megan with pointless ass kissing, talking about how charitable they all are. She even tells them they’re like the next Paris and Nicole, but they’re hotter and smarter. Or busted and low rent.
And I’m like the Kim Stewart! You know, the rocker one!
Brandi M. and Destiney are back up on their balcony debriefing on how shitty Megan was to Brandi and how shitty Lacy is to humanity.
So it’s time to reveal the winner and the rejects get to come into hear the announcement like they’re a part of the gang again. Megan still has her glass of wine and is still looking like a giant next to Brandi M. Daniela and RIki both congratulate the girls for working so hard and then Riki makes a joke about them working an hour and a half on Hollywood Blvd. Oh, Riki. Richard Flores is not laughing.
Lacy and Heather are up first and Heather is congratulated for being an awesome worker. They made $107.50 and everyone is impressed. Maybe I’m used to the Apprentice but I was expecting like a grand of shit. Even Trophy Wife Megan makes an impressed face. Low Rent Trophy Wife. She’d be impressed with middle management.
That could buy like a whole quarter of a bottle of Cristal. Or ten of these dresses.
Destiney and Brandi C. brought in sixty-six tampons, but that magical statistic still didn’t beat the whopping $107 which means this will be Destiney’s first time down to the carpet, since they only got ninety-odd clams. Brandi M. and Megan are announced last and Megan announces in a cracky, drunk voice that she was determined to bring in pens for Richard Flores! She canvassed the area! Oh shut up.
So did they do it? Megan is hopping up and down hoping that Brandi loses. She got an ungodly amount of pens that came to $2.65 so she should really be losing the challenge by Megan’s math. But god hates Megan and they easily won with $122. Megan is visibly unhappy with this, which means Brandi essentially beat two teams of two. Muffin Brains + Bullying = Sucky fundraising.
So the rejects finally depart and the final three are alone once again. They go upstairs to change and head right back down to expulsion. Lacy is yapping about how she should win this whole thing because her heart was in it more than anyone else.
And by “heart” she means “c*ntface”.
But right away as soon as the ceremony begins, Riki lays right into Lacy saying that she went right back to her old ways. He calls her behavior the biggest mistake in Charm School history, which quite the feat considering she’s competing with Brandi C’s spit fest, Megan’s crotch kick and Dallas’s apple toss. “What the hell were you thinking??” he blares, channeling Donald Trump at his finest. For ten seconds Riki Rachtman gets really hot.
Daniela comes along and mentions that passion is one thing but belittling strangers is totally inappropriate. We get a preview of things to come as Sharon confesses that she gets why Lacy did it and she would have no trouble telling a stranger to F*ck off. She’d also have no trouble ripping the weave right outta Low Rent Trophy Wife’s scalp. I mean, to defend Lacy’s behavior would mean you have to be capable of something like that.
But onto Destiney we have to ream her for something so let’s talk about how she doesn’t care about homeless people. And, ho snap! RIki brings up how she was way more into Christian Audigier than getting toothbrushes for homeless people. True that. But really Lacy is just passionate about being mean.
SMET is all about the streets, bitch! It’s practically the same thing!
Destiney finally grows a pair in defending herself and Sharon is impressed. Really she just wants to see people get riled up. Clearly this weave-ripping side was there all along and now all signs are pointing to next week’s HAWESOMENESS.
So now Lacy copies Riki by saying that Destiney is selfish and Lacy gets upset over helping other people, but it doesn’t sound as good secondhand. Sharon finally steps out from behind the desk to cut to the chase and asks Lacy if she’s really changing. Lacy practically pleads that she’s happier–SO MUCH HAPPIER–now that she’s seen the Charm School light, but it just sounds like a pathetic lie.
She wasn’t truly happy till she made the transformation! she insists. That may be true, but you still went back to old Lacy. You’re expelled. YAY. Send that bitch home. She leaves saying some bullshit about letting the negative energy go. BLAH BLAH BLAH. See you in one of your shitty music videos you made with Daddy’s money.
Let’s get back to the nice girls!
If this were Rock of Love this would be where they start making out. Too bad.
Congratulations, Final Two! What’s next? Nothing really. We skip to the next morning where the girls are just excited it’s their last day and after today they can sleep in and wake up looking busted without the cameras around. From here on out it’s just a schmaltzy, sentimental gratitude fest.
There is a note waiting for them though…Cue the magical sparkle chimes! Today Destiney and Brandi M. get to go to Sharon’s house to have lunch! EEEEEE!!!!!!!! They dress up and head over to Malibu where Sharon and the dogs await (and I’m referring to the pomeranians, not the spawn.)
These are your new dog walkers, puppies. They thought I called them over for high tea! Hee hee!
We get a small tour of the house, which looks amazing. She wants to show them that they too can have what she has. It’s all possible! Wow, this show is just a regular triumph of the human spirit. As if I needed an actual, feel-like-a-good-person reason to watch Vh1 reality.
She claims that this was the first house they bought but they don’t spend that much time in it anymore. Turns out this house is “Jack’s Love Den” which makes me want to vom all over my keyboard.
Keep smiling. She’s testing us to see if we’re going to throw up, too.
We get more oohing and aahing over Sharon and the beach and her house and her money and her love life and blah blah blah. It’s all pretty sappy and phoned in.
So in lieu of words, I present to you Final Luncheon: The Photo Essay:
I’m so interested! Pick me!
I knew the first time he punched me in the face he was the one!
You’re so funny! Pick me!
Have I ever mentioned David Hasselhoff and Piers Morgan drive me nuts on that other show I judge?
I’m so interested! Pick me!
Oh how I love to stick it to dumb, blonde gold diggers!
Still laughing. Pick me!
I’m so sincere. Pick me!
Oh shit. I’m more sincere! Pick me!
That about covers it. The girls finally blah blah blah about themselves at the end of Sharon’s tale of meeting Ozzy and loving and fighting till death do they part. It turns out Brandi M. really does like working in a bar because it sure beats porn and stripping. Destiney wants to get into fashion design and how she got inspired by organic sun tan lotion in Hawaii. Really. (Of course the line will be Eco friendly of course–you can’t beat green! It’s not quite dead parents, but it’s another go-to move.)
So before they head out she tells them their final challenge which will be to write a tear-inducing letter as to why they should win, what they’ve gotten out of this, explain why anyone would give them $100,000 just for giving up a life of cat-fights and pirate talk. Basically, it’s a tough assignment. As they leave, they both get a lotus in a bowl as a parting gift, so at least neither girl is going home empty-handed. One will get a hundred thousand dollars and a flower. One will get a flower.
Back at the house they’re all emotional and going on about about the experience and it’s a-makin’ for snoozy telly, people.
Go ahead, Destiney. You blossom into that woman you’ve always wanted to be. We’ll just be watching that boring video on TMZ of Megan leaving the hospital with Brandi C. after the reunion beat down. STILL MORE INTERESTING.
They’re both lucky to be competing with each other! I’ll be happy no matter what!!!! We’re starting our periods!!!!
Again. Would be better if this were leading to girl-on-girl instead of sappy declarations of friendship.
So they go off to write their speeches and while writer’s block always sounds like it would be riveting to watch, it’s not. Who would have thought?
We switch to Sharon in the hopes of getting some more interesting footage, especially since we get a Bachelor-like wall of photos and if there ever was going to be a Chris Harrison crossover moment this would be it.
I just feel such a strong connection with all of them.
But alas now we just get to see the same footage we’ve seen all season from ROL and this show. Makes my job easy! Fake ugly Flo wins again! Destiney doing naked cartwheels! So the final note arrives from Sharon and it turns out she picked out some gowns for them to wear. And Period Destiney is bawling over this new development. She hasn’t stopped the waterworks for the past three segments. Enough already. They go get dressed and we get right down to the ceremony.
So the final commandment is “Thou shalt be fully rockin’”, which is definitely the most meaningless of all the commandments, but apparently, according to Sharon, both of these girls have realized this to it’s full potential. So Sharon starts by saying that no matter what she is proud of them both. Yeah, but you’re pride don’t pay the bills, beeotch. How is that a consolation prize?
Riki adds that he thinks the right two ladies are here and Daniela said that Destiney is beautiful and poised. Riki said that it’s been fun to see Brandi M.’s changes and growth. Really, it’s as heartwarming as charity and Christmas and unicorns with horns made of smiling puppy heads. And now it’s time for the speeches. Destiney talks about her drunken anger outbursts on ROL and how it wasn’t until her father died that she realized life was too short to be a hot mess.
Oh, shizz. I wanted to give it to Blondie, but you’ve brought up the dead parent again.
She continues by bringing up the spit incident and how not spitting back was, like, the biggest accomplishment ever. All that’s missing in this is a replay of the clip to truly beat this into the ground. And she also brings up that the freaking Ed Hardy challenge and how she wants to be a designer now! Yes, I’m sure will see her on Project Runway for Flip to skewer. And Nina Garcia. But unfortunately she doesn’t bring the tears anymore. And how can you win without tears??
Brandi M. brings up all the dirty things she’s done from burping to porn (Have y’all seen those pictures, btw?? It’s weird to see.) She tells Sharon that she didn’t really care about herself until Charm School. And tears start to come. Now this is the attitude of a winner!
Then she rips up her speech and says that she doesn’t need it because this is all from the heart!
This is also what I’m going to do to Destiney’s diploma if you give it to that eco suntanning bitch.
Is it me or does Riki look really turned on by ripping things up and talking from the heart?
Back to Brandi M. she’s telling us Charm School taught her about respect after a lifetime of pain. She won’t lock herself up in a room for days. Unless it’s with rockstar husband to engage in some romantic episodes of domestic violence.
Well now it’s time for Sharon to come up to announce the winner and Sharon starts to cry, too. She doesn’t know which one to choose! She steps closer to them and shows them the “diploma” which looks as “legitimate” as you would expect. She’s crying as she gets closer to them, because stepping closer didn’t help her with her decision.
But in the end she hands it to Brandi M. Yay! Destiney is by no means hateful, Brandi M. was definitely who I wanted to win. I was also a fan of hers from the original ROL ever since she said during a lunch with Bret, “Choke me, spank me, pull my hair.” How can you not like that?
Destiney says that after hearing Brandi’s speech she thinks she deserves to win. And then she bites her hand makes a throat-slitting gesture.
But don’t cry for Destiney, Daniela has something she’d like to say! And I think that Daniela is going to announce she’d like to invest in Destiney’s eco-clothing line. Or apprentice with her. Oh hell no, silly IS. She offers thirty-year-old Destiney an internship at Frankie B.
Silly, TVgasm writer, I would never invest in a ROL reject’s delusional vanity project.
Destiney is still stoked though. She gets to “work with” Daniela! Yes, you’ll see her in the morning as you drop off her coffee.
But, let’s get back to our queen for the day, Miss Wild Thang, Brandi M! Congrats and TVgasm wishes you all the best. Just no more facial disgracials and we’ll call it a victory.
Now that the cameras are going away, I’m free to kick Megan in the crotch. Hard.
And that’s it for Charm School, lovelies. What did you guys think? I think it was the right final two, but thought Lacy should have gone in the first episode. I hope she never comes back to my television. But luckily there is still more fun to be had. See you in two weeks for the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Sharon plays out our low rent trophy wife beat down fantasies!
I know I wasn’t on the Charm School train for very long, but thanks for being such awesome supporters as always. You are the reason we all bust our asses over here. I hope everyone is surviving the holidays and got spoiled rotten. I’ll be here for the reunion recap in 09!