Frosty the Snowman: I want a Frosty With a Side of Greenhouse Gas, mmmkay?

Schnozzola walks into the unnamed town and points his nose towards a man selling Xmas Trees. I bet his sense of smell is off the charts. He informs us that it all started with the snow, a very special kind of snow. “One that makes the happy happier, and the giddy even giddier.” It makes coming home homier, and natural enemies friends. Doesn’t that inexplicable euphoria suggest one thing?

Snowflakes that fall on my nose and eyelashes…these are a few of my favorite things!

When the first snow is Christmas snow, something wonderful is bound to happen. You mean, Obama will win the Iowa primary and Jamie Lynn Spears will give birth to a baby Cheeto-Puff? Schnozzola points to a red-brick school, where we see kids trying to draw dirty pictures on fogged-up windows and failing miserably. However, these are the short bus kids.

They clearly missed the lesson on cock and ball drawing.

A Mrs. Claus look-alike, a GMILF if you will, raps her ruler on the desk and shakes a finger at them. Ooooh, I’m scared. She’s impatient to get her ass down to the Bingo Hall tonight to get some hanky panky, she’s dressed in red from head to toe. GMILF tells her students to get back to their seats before she breaks a branch off a tree and administers lashings. “The snow can wait, but saving Darfur can’t!” Instead of making a lesson plan, she poured some eggnog into a flask and got the random bum jerking off on the bench outside the school building to liven up the class Christmas party. Ahhhh, public school budgets.

The magician, “Professor” Hinkle, enters the classroom to absolute silence. Tough crowd, autistic savants. He’s a sallow-faced man with a serious case of dandyism and a molestache. Schnozzola lets us in on a little secret: Prof. Hinkle (who will be known as Tinkle from now on) is just about the world’s worst magician, right after this guy:

Professor Tinkle cops a feel on GMILF and then reveals his greatest magic trick: incontinence. He squats and poops out balls, playing cards, parking tickets, and what appears to be the world’s smallest dunce cap. Get this man on Grey’s Anatomy, stat! He’s creepier than the guy who swallowed doll heads.

I knew I should’ve worn my Depends.

Tinkle attempts a trick involving a magic egg and his top hat, but succeeds only in causing a salmonella outbreak as eggs splatter onto the floor. He doesn’t even apologize, but throws his handkerchief on top of the goo like a toddler trying to hide his potty-training accident. Pretend it didn’t happen. Some people are just chronic bedwetters. Frustrated by the hat’s inability to produce his rabbit, Hocus Pocus, Tinkle angrily flings it towards the trashcan.