Frosty the Snowman: I want a Frosty With a Side of Greenhouse Gas, mmmkay?

“I get wishy-washy when it’s hot,” complains Frosty. Oh Frosty, that’s no excuse. Hmm. He’s been around since 1969, you say? He’s withstood nearly forty years of melting and freezing? It’s all global warming’s damn fault. Global warming is killing Christmas! It’s killing puppies! It’s creating fat people!

I’m Al Gore, I used to be the next president of the United States of America.

Before Al Gore finishes his PowerPoint presentation, the kids leave. Karen and Frosty decide that he’s got to get to the North Pole, a place where he’ll never melt. That’s what they said about Mt. Kilimanjaro’s glaciers. Now they’re disappearing. But they’ll need to put him on the train, because they didn’t have time to check Orbitz for cheap plane tickets. Frosty declares he must simply have a parade, because he’s loud and proud and wants people to know he’s arrived.

He marches them through the town, as the Salvation Army band plays. Stunned shoppers run into each other as they see the ginormous walking, talking snowball followed by children who clearly don’t have Rock Band to play. A bald man gets half his whiskers snipped off by a distracted barber. A housewife’s hair stands on end as she glimpses Frosty in her mirror. Frosty and the kids stop at the bar for a few pints and start peeing their names in the snow.

There’s one thing about the song I don’t get. It goes “Catch me if you can” but isn’t that the Gingerbread Man’s line? Frosty bends over for the small children…to leapfrog over him. Shorty the elf has a bit of trouble. The parade is abruptly halted by an Irish policeman (I think I know who the Heroes writers’ parents are!) who asks Frosty why he didn’t observe the traffic signal. Karen pipes up that Frosty just came to life and that they’re going to see the Wizard for a brain and some legwarmers. The cop relents and waves them past. It takes him about two seconds to realize that he just saw a live snowman, and swallows his whistle. Hee. Surprisingly, there is no high speed chase scene and they make it safely to the train station, where the sleeping station man stamps tickets almost as fast as this Japanese woman.

Funny thing about tickets to the North Pole. They include stops to the Aurora Borealis. They cost three thousand dollars and four cents. Don’t you think a cocaine ball of Frosty’s size is worth at least half a million? Karen admits that she has no money and the agreeable station master’s attitude totally changes. “No ride for you!”

Karen sniffs that Frosty won’t get to the North Pole, and he tenderly takes her in his arms, giving Hocus the perfect opportunity to ogle Karen’s ass. In Neil Strauss’ book The Game, this totally qualifies as a set for pick-up artists. Hocus then points out an alternate travel method. Nope, not Segways. They’re going to be hop-ons!