Frosty the Snowman: I want a Frosty With a Side of Greenhouse Gas, mmmkay?

The kids ooh and aah over the refrigerated boxcar full of ice cream and frozen Christmas cakes. Perfect. Anytime I think of “refrigerator box,” I think of Punky Brewster and suffocation. This is shaping up to be an excellent idea, Hocus Pocus. At least you have fur. The train is pulling out! (That’s what she said.) Frosty clambers aboard the all-red choo choo train, which looks more likely to go to a frozen-over hell than the North Pole. Thomas the Tank Engine would definitely not approve. In a world where seven-year-olds did not have their own Blackberries, Karen decides she’ll accompany Frosty for the ride, at least until dinner time, so her mom won’t get worried. No texting needed. Brimming with such brilliant logic, Karen will go on to cure cancer.

If two trains are going twenty miles an hour and one train is going the opposite direction at ten miles an hour…wait. What?

Gingerballs and Co. wave goodbye to their pal Karen and Frosty, because there’s nothing weird about sending off your little pal in a refrigerated ice box with a fatass snowman. It’s totally nothing like getting into a creepy old man’s van. If I were a parent, I’d be a little glad that Tinkle flung himself on the railing and hitched a ride, unless he turns out to be a repeat sex offender after all. It doesn’t help that he chants to himself, “Think nasty. Think nasty.” This cartoon just got PG-13.

Shivering and sneezing, Karen realizes she’s made a huge mistake. It was much easier to explain to her mom why she once took off to Rio with the transvestite Big Bird who needed to get his Carnival on. At least the weather was warm and fabulous.

Frosty asks Karen if she’s doing okay, but her teeth are chattering and she’s dropping her h’s everywhere like a pre-speech therapy Eliza Doolittle. Since Googling WebMD isn’t an option, Frosty jumps out of the stopped train with Karen in his arms. Yep. Into the snow, instead of trying to get the conductor’s attention or yelling at the passenger train that just passed them.

Tinkle shakes his fist at this trickery and jumps from the moving train, spilling more dice, cards, and junk in his wake. He rolls down a hill and smashes into a tree, foreshadowing Sonny Bono’s death nearly three decades later. If this were a scene for a made-for-TV movie, he’d be neatly disposed of with a falling icicle. Frosty trudges through the snow and blustery wind, making his way through the woods with a shivering Hocus Pocus. The smart rabbit pantomimes starting a fire. Brilliant, I read this exact scene in Call of the Wild. Now if only Karen could hope to be put our her misery by a pack of wolves.

Being held against a giant mound of snow can really warm a girl up.