Frosty the Snowman: I want a Frosty With a Side of Greenhouse Gas, mmmkay?

Santa, who’s clearly acquainted with Frosty, cheerfully places the hat back on the snowman’s head. Recycled footage is my favorite thing next to yellow snow. Frosty is the equivalent of Cheers, he’s comfortably predictable. It’s happy birthday all over again, but he seems to have suffered no amnesia, unlike the guy in Memento. Speaking of birthdays, have you ever been on the Winnie the Pooh ride at Disneyland where Pooh overdoses on psychedelic birthday honey? It’s trippy, complete with Day-Glo colors.

All is well again, and Santa, Hocus, Karen and Frosty do a little war dance out of celebration. Santa drives Karen home and gets ready to drop Frosty off at Canyon Ranch for some help with healthy weight management. Karen is of course sad to see her friend go, but gives him a great big hug, reassured by Santa that Frosty will return with each Christmas snowfall. Each year, that is, until the December she discovers the fun of freebasing and global warming bites Frosty in the ass.

Should we prepare for other threats besides terrorists?

But I’m more concerned that Santa’s dropped Karen off on the snowy roof of a two-story building. What the hell is she going to do, shimmy down a pipe with bare legs? The moral of the story is, don’t do too many drugs, always wear pants in inclement weather, keep track of who you’re regifting presents to, and shun anyone who insists on wearing Uggs. Especially the ones that have furry testicles dangling from them.

Merry Holidays and Happy New Year everyone! Thank you for making 2007 such a great year for TVGasm. May we all get to be in the studio audience of Oprah’s “Favorite Things” show next year. Let’s pray it’s not the year she decides to give the audience carbon offsets and only carbon offsets.

xo, T.Vo