Rudolph’s Shiny New Year: What a Long, Strange TRIP It’s been…

It’s that time of year again. The time when we gather with family and friends, drink spiked eggnog and watch 4,000 Christmas specials staring Rudolph. Will our hero save the day in Rudolph’s Shiny New Year? What will we learn about Santa and his crew? Find out after the jump!

It’s Christmas night, and Santa has just had a hard nights work. He’s relaxing by the fire – feet up, drink in hand and thinking about how he just made a lot of children happy with a new toy, and some real pissed with a piece of coal. I always feared the coal when I was a kid. But luckily, I always escaped it. One of his cronies is standing there, just staring at him, holding a note.

Was that a note in your hand or were you just happy to see me?

The note is from Father Time and he says that Happy, The New Year’s Baby, is missing! Oh crap. Santa decides that there is only one person who can save the day by searching all over for the baby – and it isn’t gonna be him. He’s gonna pimp out Rudolph of course! I mean, I would send a baby reindeer to do my dirty work too if I could. Especially after he just pulled an all-nighter by flying around the world at warp speed.

Santa tells Rudolph that the happiness of all the worlds’ children relies on him. And he has six days to find the baby or it would be December 31st FOREVER. Paaaaaarty! No pressure Rudie.

Rudolph starts off on his journey, across the Sands of Time to find Father Time. With him is General Ticker, who works for Father Time and they meet a camel, named The Great Quarter Past Five. Seriously? We get it, Father. You love clocks. Quart is going to help them to the castle so Rudolph and General Ticker mount him.

Bow, chika, wow wow.

Out of nowhere, Eon, a giant ass bird, is coming straight for them. Quart tells them that when Eon turns one eon old on January 1st his time is up and he’ll turn to ice and snow. I’m not sure why, but regardless he wants to stop the aging process, as we all do. So what better way to do that than kidnap a baby and make it December 31st FOREVER?! Muahahaha. Side note – I’ve officially decided that the creators were on something when they thought this up.

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

At the castle we see Father Time who has a random patch of red hair on the top of his head. He comments that everyone used to call him Redhead. I guess they weren’t too original in 1856. Rudolph doesn’t care about his former nickname and neither do I.

Father Ginger gives Rudie the low down. Happy lives in an orphanage and his nurse is named Nanny Nine O’clock. And she has red/orange hair. And a crazy Irish accent. Ahhh, the good old days when the Irish migrated to the North Pole.

Happy has giant ears and buckteeth. Naturally, everyone laughs at him because what’s funnier than a deformed baby? Not much to these people. Nanny Carrot Top gets in on the teasing and that’s the last tick tock for Happy. He gets all sensitive and decides it’s time to peace out. Isn’t it Nanny Carrot Top’s job to keep an eye on the kid? And NOT give him a complex about his giant ears? I bet her and Father Ginger have something going on. We all know that ginger’s stick together.

What’s everybody laughing at?

According to Father Ginger, Happy always wanted to see the Archipelago Islands. ( The what?? ) Not a destination I would have as a baby but whatever. He told Nanny Carrot Top about his future travel plans, because he can talk and all. He’s not a BABY or anything. Nanny Carrot Top probably made it up to get rid of Happy so she could have Father Ginger all to herself. Sly biotch.

The Archipelago Islands are located way far north and represent the lost years. And when a year is over, they go to an island to retire, and live the year over and over. I don’t know about you but usually I’m pretty damn excited for a new year so I can start all over with a clean slate. No more late night snacks, or excessive drinking or making fun of people… wait. Who am I kidding?

Anyways, Rudolph is confused, and so am I. How do five year olds follow this? Father Ginger predicts Happy will be on one of these islands and he sends Rudolph away and gives him the advice that only a hustler can give.

Play on Playa.

Rudie follows a sundial that points toward the islands. We have a song break during his travels with Father Ginger singing about…what? Time. Shocker. Father Ginger doesn’t seem all that upset about Happy missing. Probably because it leaves more time for him and Nanny Carrot Top to have nap time and play time with Happy outta the picture. Scandalous! It will make the cover of US Weekly next week.

Apparently reindeer can’t fly for very long because Rudolph has found himself a boat to travel with. Eon shows up to mess with him and a giant blue whale pops up from under the water. He has a giant clock, on his tale, and his name is Big Ben. BB wants to help Rudie and says to jump in his mouth to be safe. Rudolph happily obliges and jumps right in. I mean that’s what I would do too. When I meet someone for the first time they always say to get in their mouth and I don’t think twice.

Then BB and Rudolph exchange some pretty questionable quotes for ABC Family. “Are you comfortable in there? It’s hard to talk with your mouth full!” Rudolph answers back, “Oh sure Big Ben, but maybe I better ride on top!” I can’t make this shit up.

Haven’t you ever heard of knocking?!

The first stop on Rudolph’s trip lands him on One Million, B.C. Island, where the dinosaurs and cavemen are living a happy life together. Rudolph finds the caveman named One Million, O.M. for short, a.k.a Geico, and asks if he’s seen Happy. Well Geico isn’t your regular caveman and he can talk, and sing. We are treated to some crazy song about how it’s raining sunshine (Hallucination perhaps? I’m just saying.) The dinosaurs are happy creatures and not the least bit frightening.

I ain’t scurred.

When it’s done raining sunshine Geico says that Happy WAS on the island, but he left. We learn that he saved a pterodactyl egg from falling out of a tree, but when the dino hatched, he laughed at Happy’s physical deformity like any baby dinosaur would. Happy is not happy and builds a boat out of a conch shell and sails away. This kid’s motor skills are amazing. He is some big eared, buck toothed, prodigy.

Geico decides to go on the next trip with Rudolph. They aren’t having much luck. Year 1893 never heard of him, 1492 was too busy discovering things (like AMERICA) to talk to Rudolph, 1965 was too noisy (though I thought this year would be right up Rudie’s alley) and 4000 B.C. was too busy building pyramids. Next stop year 1023. WTF is 1023′s importance?

Geico and Rudolph have BB dock them at 1023 and meet the Tin Man, Sir 1023 himself. They couldn’t have come up with a better name? Tin Man joins the search party because traveling to OZ isn’t an option in 1023 and he has nothing better to do. We are then treated to another song with this crazy montage of just about every fairytale on record. Honestly, did the creators have a clue about what story line they wanted to use? They are all over the place.

Geico and Rudie have no idea where Happy is. But as Father Ginger cleverly narrates, Happy is there; slowly crawling on the other side of the tree Rudolph is standing at. If Rudolph would turn his head five inches to the right he would find Happy and this show would be over. But we cant have that, there are more trips that need to be made this hour.

Happy then hits up the Three Bears cottage. He tries to eat their porridge and sit in their chairs and decides he needs a nap instead. The bears roll up to find that an intruder had been there. The little bear, who has a wicked speech impediment, goes all gangsta saying someone sat in his chair and bwoke it.

Mamma said knock you out!

The fam finds Happy sleeping in Gangsta’s bed and they are saying how cute he is and Gangsta wants to be his fwend. This is how it normally goes down with a break in. You find the intruder and ask them to be your BFF and play outside.

What up, G?

Happy ends up winning the weird little game Gangsta made him play. Gangsta insists that Happy takes his hat off in victory, cause it’s the rwles. Here we go again. Laughter all around. Happy can’t take the heat, so he gets out of the cottage.

Rudie, Geico and Tin Man are still searching and see Eon flying overhead with Happy claiming to be his friend. Rudie and his posse chase after Eon, and the only way to stop him is to have BB blow him, with his blowhole, out of the sky. Happy starts falling but his hat works as a parachute and not just a deformity cover-up and he floats through the sky for more than a day until he safely lands on a kite that Ben Franklin, a.k.a year 1776, is flying. Phew.

Happy is in luck, it’s the 4th of July everyday in 1776 and there’s a super fun parade to attend. Happy is enjoying the festivities until he is told to take off his hat to respect the flag and again with the laughter and Happy is gone. Ok, we get it. How many times must we prove the point that the kid is embarrassed of his ginormous ears?

Every time a drummer laughs, a little piece of Happy dies.

This kid is gonna have some major issues when he grows up. He’ll think all laughter is bad and snap at some random stranger who is having a friendly conversation. I can see it in the newspaper now: “Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Happy, The New Year’s Baby Takes Out Innocent Bystander!” Poor guy has no chance.

Rudie and the crew allow Ben Franklin to join the posse after a wicked initiation of discovering electricity. All of a sudden Eon flies above them with Happy. Happy sure attaches himself to anyone that claims to be his fwend. That happens in the real world and all. People just walk right up to you and ask you to be friends with them. Isn’t that what we try to teach kids? NOT to go off with strangers? But it’s cool. Since this is the longest Christmas special ever, the kids are probably sleeping by now and the writers knew it would happen and said screw it.

Eon flies to the Island of No Name, while the posse chases after him. Eon passes out because he’s sure he’ll live forever because he has Happy. Ben Franklin is ready to give up the search and Rudie pulls out some crazy ass pep talk about having hope, and a nanosecond later, the island is in sight. Rudolph, the ultimate optimist.

BB docks and decides to tell everyone to ‘look at my clock’ which gives them only a half hour to save Happy. Rudolph might have a heart attack being under so much freaking pressure for a two year old. They all have mountain climbing abilities, except for Geico who wipes out and makes enough noise to wake up Eon from his peaceful slumber. All the squawking creates an avalanche, which causes the posse to roll down the mountain and turn into giant balls. Snowballs.

Ahhh…fresh powder.

Rudolph can melt his ball with his nose. Point for him; that is quite a talent! He frees himself and leaves his friends to freeze. He finds Happy next to a sleeping Eon and Rudie starts giving another infamous pep talk. He is talking in a normal voice, not whispering or anything and Eon is none the wiser. Geico slipped while climbing 100 yards away from Eon and THAT woke up the monster bird. Consistency people!

Rudolph then says classic, yet debatable lines for this ‘children’s movie’. He asks Happy, “You wanna see something?” and shows off his nose. Happy of course laughs and Rudolph is shocked to learn Happy has never even heard of the FAMOUS RUDOLPH. What’s up ego trip? Father Ginger chimes in that Rudolph is too humble to tell his own story, but that doesn’t stop all of the snowflakes and trees from recapping Rudolph’s horrible childhood for us, in cartoon.

Question. Wouldn’t the cartoon version of this story be more modern than the clay version? Cartoon characters are way cooler than mounds of clay. But we’re trying to hit an entire hour of entertainment here I guess.

Bliiiiinded by the light.

Rudolph then explains that he ‘stuck it out’ and it’s ok that people laugh at him now. Yup, exactly what we should be teaching kids. Stick it out, people will laugh, and all is right with the world. Rudie persuades Happy to take his hat off to see his giant ears. He says, “Come on, we’re friends aren’t we?” Ah the magic fwend word. Happy hears that and will do just about anything, especially stick it out. The deformity is exposed and Rudie laughs in the kids face. I can’t believe that Happy didn’t take him out right then. You know he’s packing some heat in that top hat of his. It’s not that big just to hide his ears.

Rudolph defends his laughter by saying “I couldn’t help myself. I feel so wonderful inside that all the happiness in me just had to pop out!” I shit you not. I bet he hangs out with the bad elves in the alley behind Santa’s workshop.

Happy realizes its okay to have giant, deformed ears and crazy buckteeth and then geeks out while he says his first word, which is Happy.

Hehehe, you have antlers.

TIME OUT. Didn’t Nanny Carrot Top tell Father Ginger that Happy SAID he wanted to see the Archipelago Islands?! Bitch totally made it up!

All the geeking out going on wakes up Eon and he joins in the fun of laughing at deformed Happy. Now he can’t turn to snow and ice if he’s so warm inside from laughing. Guess there was a cure for Eon after all. Does this mean he has to continuously laugh forever, and if he stops he’s dunzo? Of course none of this is explained or even makes sense for that matter but what did I expect?

BB’s giant clock is starting to chime it’s midnight. “There must be a way to get back to Father Time’s before the 12th BONG,” says Rudolph. Santa decides to get off his fat ass and actually help his little protégé. “I ought to be able to get you back to Father Time in a few BONGS!” So this whole thing is about going on trips with a few bongs. Hm. Clever.

I Love Santa. I Love Santa. I Love Santa. I Love Santa.

Well, the whole crew makes it back with a BONG to spare. The New Year is saved and maybe Rudolph can finally go eat something after all his hard work. You know his munchies are outta control right now.

We are treated to yet another song that got stuck in my head for the rest of the night and a good part of the next day. Thanks, ABC Family!

The North Pole is one jacked up place. Sign me up! You book the hotel and I’ll buy the plane tickets!

Happy holidays everyone! Don’t drink too much eggnog!