Christmasgasm: Hallmark Channel Countdown to Christmas

Recaps

By TheMiki | Wednesday, December 21, 2011 | 10:00 am | 8 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , ,
Posted in: Christmas Specials, Recaps

***Throughout this Christmas season, we will be eating and drinking our faces. We will also be posting recaps of the shows that are on as well as Best in Comments articles and Christmas recap reprints!! Enjoy this TheMiki classic!! 

Confession time, Gasmii.  I love Christmas.  I love it a lot.  Every time I drive through my neighborhood at night and see all the lights on the houses and the trees I get all happy and silly because it’s so pretty and festive.  I love buying presents and wrapping presents and decorating the house and having people over and making hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps in it.  I am a total Scrooge about a lot of things in life, but Christmas ain’t one of them.

full_color_christmas_signs_4

Shut the fuck up with your suffering.  This isn’t about you. This is about pretty lights and wrapping presents.

 

You know what I hate though?  Terrible Christmas movies that all have the same basic plot (materialistic person learns that love is the only gift that matters) and that employ terrible actors and cheesy dialogue to get their heavy-handed moral across.  It makes cheesy pop singers wailing classic Christmas tunes seem downright refined.  So, let’s take a look at what Hallmark Channel’s Countdown to Christmas is offering up this year, and let’s mock it heartily.  AAAAAND, let’s kick things off with the greatest cheesy pop Christmas video I could think of.

Since there are so very many terrible Christmas movies massed produced every year, we’re going to stick to new movies for the 2011 holiday season.  And I’m not actually going to watch any of these movies.  Just the trailers.  And you’ll be watching the trailers with me, and then we shall judge them based on cheese factor, has-been celebrity score, obviousness of the moral, and whatever other random shit I decide deserves judging.  Ready?  Good.  Let’s hit the Hallmark Channel like  the bastard step-child that it is.

The Case for Christmas

Part Miracle on 34th Street, part…. Um… Okay, the other parts are Miracle on 34th Street too.  Will the single-dad lawyer “Do the right thing” and convince a town full of people that Santa exists?  My money is on yes, but if anyone tells me they lose the case and Santa disappears in a poof of logic then I will totally tune into this dreck-fest.  Nothing gets the Christmas spirit going quite like painting people who use logic and reason as bitter old grinches that try and ruin the innocence of youth.

Cheese Factor (1 to 10): 6

Celeb Factor: I see Superman, but no one else I recognize.  5

Predicted moral of the story:  The spirit of Santa Claus is alive in the hearts of children blah blah blah

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TheMiki
About

I enjoy mocking other people because it's the only thing I'm really good at, and I think we should all use the gifts God gave us.  My childhood was way more fucked up than yours, and yet I'm a fully productive member of society with no criminal record or bastard children.  As such, listening to coked-out hookers whine about their baby-daddies getting arrested and how they live this life cause their mama didn't breastfeed them makes me want to throw furniture at my TV.  When I'm not tearing down people on television I like to paint, write, drink coffee, hike, and make pathetic attempts to play the guitar, because chicks dig a lady with an instrument.

8 Comments

  1. 1
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted December 13, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Here’s a Hallmark movie: I BALLED ANNIE CLAUS ALL NIGHT LONG.

    What? Too much?

  2. 2
    dearcrabby
    Posted December 13, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    In Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the claymation about how Santa came to be, both he and Mrs. Claus were gingers! I just remembered. Now Christmas is cancelled!

  3. 3
    themiki
    Posted December 13, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    @notwithoutmytv – Annie Claus is pretty hot. Plus you wouldn’t have to feel bad about sneaking out while she’s sleeping, because gingers don’t have souls.

    @dearcrabby – Better tell Judd Nelson before he wastes his whole week trying to teach shitty rich kids that love is worth more than an iPod.

  4. 4
    Chicken Lips
    Posted December 14, 2011 at 8:48 am

    The Hallmark movie is the new Lifetime movie in that it is all the same story with minor tweaks so they can justify a brand new one but with less domestic violence and parental custody issues. It does give a whole new group of C-list actors a venue though.

  5. 5
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 14, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Hasn’t the HHS declared the Hallmark Channel a hazard for the onset of Type 2 Diabetes? Yeeesh…

    Yeah, Melissa Gilbert has been tinkering with that face since she was off “Little House on the Prairie” I just wanted to tell her to stop ’cause that is not turning into Angelina Jolie anytime soon.

  6. 6
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 14, 2011 at 11:16 am

    NotwtthoutTv – sounds good to me! The sequel: “I saw Daddy balling Annie Claus”. The heartwarming story of a son learning the true meaning of christmas (and the facts of life) one magical night.

    What? Ok, put it on Lifetime, then…

  7. 7
    themiki
    Posted December 14, 2011 at 11:42 am

    @LAC — sounds more like Showtime. If it were on Lifetime then Daddy would be beating/cheating on/or saying mean things to Annie Claus, who would then kill Daddy and have to get a tough talking lawyer to convince a judge that she was crazy. Crazy in love, that is.

  8. 8
    LAC LAC
    Posted December 14, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    @themiki – LOL!!! You are right about that! Or Annie Claus would have turned up missing and son finds out that Daddy was the last to see her alive and he suspects that Daddy was killing Annie Claus under the Mistletoe last night after he lured her there via Facebook.

    Wow…I am glad I don’t run a network.

    My teeth hurt after watching all those trailers.

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