***Throughout this Christmas season, we will be eating and drinking our faces. We will also be posting recaps of the shows that are on as well as Best in Comments articles and Christmas recap reprints!! Enjoy this TheMiki classic!!
Confession time, Gasmii. I love Christmas. I love it a lot. Every time I drive through my neighborhood at night and see all the lights on the houses and the trees I get all happy and silly because it’s so pretty and festive. I love buying presents and wrapping presents and decorating the house and having people over and making hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps in it. I am a total Scrooge about a lot of things in life, but Christmas ain’t one of them.
Shut the fuck up with your suffering. This isn’t about you. This is about pretty lights and wrapping presents.
You know what I hate though? Terrible Christmas movies that all have the same basic plot (materialistic person learns that love is the only gift that matters) and that employ terrible actors and cheesy dialogue to get their heavy-handed moral across. It makes cheesy pop singers wailing classic Christmas tunes seem downright refined. So, let’s take a look at what Hallmark Channel’s Countdown to Christmas is offering up this year, and let’s mock it heartily. AAAAAND, let’s kick things off with the greatest cheesy pop Christmas video I could think of.
Since there are so very many terrible Christmas movies massed produced every year, we’re going to stick to new movies for the 2011 holiday season. And I’m not actually going to watch any of these movies. Just the trailers. And you’ll be watching the trailers with me, and then we shall judge them based on cheese factor, has-been celebrity score, obviousness of the moral, and whatever other random shit I decide deserves judging. Ready? Good. Let’s hit the Hallmark Channel like the bastard step-child that it is.
The Case for Christmas
Part Miracle on 34th Street, part…. Um… Okay, the other parts are Miracle on 34th Street too. Will the single-dad lawyer “Do the right thing” and convince a town full of people that Santa exists? My money is on yes, but if anyone tells me they lose the case and Santa disappears in a poof of logic then I will totally tune into this dreck-fest. Nothing gets the Christmas spirit going quite like painting people who use logic and reason as bitter old grinches that try and ruin the innocence of youth.
Cheese Factor (1 to 10): 6
Celeb Factor: I see Superman, but no one else I recognize. 5
Predicted moral of the story: The spirit of Santa Claus is alive in the hearts of children blah blah blah
I enjoy mocking other people because it's the only thing I'm really good at, and I think we should all use the gifts God gave us. My childhood was way more fucked up than yours, and yet I'm a fully productive member of society with no criminal record or bastard children. As such, listening to coked-out hookers whine about their baby-daddies getting arrested and how they live this life cause their mama didn't breastfeed them makes me want to throw furniture at my TV. When I'm not tearing down people on television I like to paint, write, drink coffee, hike, and make pathetic attempts to play the guitar, because chicks dig a lady with an instrument.