By Flipit|Wednesday, February 6, 2008 | 3:27 am | 7 Comments
I will admit up front that this is an Oldgasm. The whole world was watching the Super Bowl this past Sunday except for me, but I have an excuse. First of all, I needed a nap. I tried to do pushups that morning and am still regretting it. Second, I don’t even know how football is played. Or why. All I know is that Monday I had to deal with a few really sad straight guys from the East. Bunch of wussies.
Point is, I know you’ve already seen it, but tonight, The Comeback of Paula Abdul is keeping me awake screaming for my mommy. So in my new tradition, I am going to share my pain with you late night readers so I don’t feel so cold and alone as I try and drink away the sounds of canned, effected, played-backwards and then forwards sounds of kittens being tortured. For the second night in a row.
Last night I was kept awake when I stumbled upon the video of Heidi Monslag gyrating her sticks and bags of silicone to “Higher”, the track Pratt recorded of her screeching like a calf being slaughtered on his Macbook’s Garage Band. The nightmares wouldn’t stop waking me up until I called Ting Lee, who compared Heidi and her huge bony spirit fingers to one of the evil killer trees in Wizard of Oz. Somehow, that made it all better, but by then it was so late that I only got a couple hours of shut eye. Just when I thought I was going to finally catch up on some sleep, I remembered that Paula Abdul was waiting for me on my DVR.
Glad to see all those pain pills are helping your back feel better.
I watched every minute of Paula pratfalling, crying, and generally making a total bozo out of herself last season on Hey, Paulla!, and there was an episode toward the end where forever our girl had a famous music producer to her rented house (“It’s not who I aaaaam, Daniel! Change it!”) to talk about her comeback. I assumed he was an actor, or Randy Jackson with a wig and contacts, but it turns out he was real. I guess. Someone produced the mess that was documented last weekend. And then produced it again, and again, and again. There is so much tinkering with the vocals here that Paula and Monslag could be the Olsen Twins, for all we know. Try and guess which one has the eating disorder and which one’s just a drug addict. I would tell you, but I’m guessing too.
To be fair, at least Paula still dances like a true pro. She’s truly talented in that department, and she’s really adorable in her own special way, unlike Heidi. The whole thing reminds me of the time a few years back when I saw Chita Rivera put her ankle behind her ear in Kiss of the Spider Woman on Broadway. Impressive, but did I really need to see that? Anyways, I’m awake, and I’m in pain. Join me, won’t you?
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit