Commentgasm: Best in Comments 2011: April

Mister Dangerous on “DWTS”: “The picture of Bruno is disturbing.  Next time try to find a picture of Chris Jericho naked.  Thank you.”

 

Marijai on “RHOC”: “This push present thingy…do I actually have to push a baby out of me, or can I just push a baby somewhere?  In a stroller?  On a swing?  Out a window?”

Martina on “Sister Wives”: “The Sister Wives Uniform is short sleeved shirts over long sleeved shirts.  Why is this?  Please advise.”

Sheesh on “Sister Wives”: “I once got my son a t-shirt that had the outline of Utah on it and it said, ‘Utah…but I’m taller’ (he’s 6’5”).  I cracked up so hard when I saw it I had to get it.”

NotwithoutmyTV on “Sister Wives”: “The hardest part about dating a Mormon girl is getting your hand into those Joseph Smith-approved holy long johns.  You just know that at some point during the process she’s going to change her mind.”

Chacha on “DWTS”: “The producers are supreme experts at dragging out five minutes into sixty.  I hope they’re able to do that in the bedroom instead of the ballroom.  Hmmm…BALLroom…”

JudgyWudgy on “Teen Mom 2”: “That being said, as much as I can’t stand her, I would really love it if Adam’s penis fell off.”

Itchy on “The Amazing Race”: “I liked how the Oompa-loompas tried to hoist up the weepy deaf guy.  Like watching my weakling relatives try to do the chair dance.”

Itchy on “The Amazing Race”: “That’s right.  Mark this date in the calendar of world history.  For once my favorite on a reality show does not have breasts.”

Juddfan on “American Idol”: “I tried voting for her, but I got a porn line, with horny girls waiting for me—ew!  Is that what happens after time is cut?”

Libithina on “Top Chef”: “This is how I remembered it’s definition:  banal rhymes with anal which is always overused…LOL.  I was a weird kid.”

Fan-Ann on “Body of Proof”: “Must keep husband in dark about head trauma induced hyper sexuality.  “Hi, honey”.  WHAP!!!  Whap, whap, whap!…oh, no.”

Zbird on “Top Chef”: “Love you smart cookies!  Actually, I venerate you.  I apotheosize you.  I laud you for your magnanimity.  And stuff.”

Tea Hag on “Body of Proof”: “Also, spell check is a gud thing, I hav discoverd.”

Clair on “Desperate Housewives”:  “When I see Marcia Cross, all I see is her forehead.”

Kimberly on “The Event”: “I always knew Andrea from 90210 was an Alien.  All those smarts, still looked 15…it all makes sense now.”

Kczar on “Body of Proof”: “I feel like Dana Delany missed the litter box and took a piss on my rug.  Bad tv show, very bad!”

Elmstreet on “Top Chef”: “I give Scar a pass for being drunk all the time.  I think she’s as tired of Tom as we are.  Coping mechanisms and whatnot.”

Jess Chapman on “Desperate Housewives”: “Also, did Renee actually call her party ‘Spring Fling’?  Isn’t that the name sixth-graders and incredibly boring people use?”

2Hyper on “RHOM”: “I can forgive these ladies for many things:  entitlement issues, stupidity, ignorance and plain ol’ rudeness…but bad hair is unforgivable!”

NotwithoutmyTV on “Bethenny Ever After”: “Having a crappy childhood is the new black.  I myself was cruelly denied the pleasure of owning a pony.”

Sweet_Dee on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “Whoever told Star she could pull off a white bandage dress should be pushed down a razor blade covered slide that leads into a pool of 70% Isopropyl alcohol.  Gross gross GROSS!”

Leslilly on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “I am shocked that I like LaToya.  Shocked and saddened…wtf is wrong with me?”

Mister Dangerous on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “I can’t watch a show that has no eye candy.  Why would I want to watch when the ‘men’ are a metrosexual, a half-wit, a skinny cowboy and somebody with the word LITTLE in his name.  I don’t have time to watch anybody with the name LITTLE or TINY or PEE-WEE.”

Sheesh on “Bethenny Ever After”: “I bet her mother in law cries into her pillow every night that Jason had a child with this spawn of wolves.”

Miss Molly on “RHONYC”: “I also really dislike the new girl.  She has the SJP horse face thingy.  If they ask her how old she is I am afeared she will stamp her hooves 51 times.”

JimmyT on “Marcel’s Quantum Kitchen”: “He is not throwing enough gangsterism like the wannabe whigga that he is.  And, his inflection and whiny high voice remind me of an annoying tween-girl drunk on junior-high power.”

Mulecitybabe on “Glamour Belles”: “Keep it up, just remember that liquor is your friend.”

Itchy on “ANTM”: “Alexandria reminds me a bit of my insane cousin, who can alienate an entire roomful of people in the space of just 10 minutes.”

Vallegirl on “American Idol”: “Did anyone else notice that the moving staircase was moving really fast while Scotty was sitting on it?  Did anyone else feel a pang of disappointment that it didn’t stop short sending him flying into the audience?”

TheCzar on “Glamour Belles”: “Oh and I’d have Ben Affleck, Jimmy Stewart and Alexander Skaarsgard for dinner.  Not for interesting conversation, but somehow I feel I can mold the three of them to make the perfect man.”

NotwithoutmyTV on “Sister Wives”: “I loved it when douche-dad said, “We’re going to the pumpkin patch…to pick out pumpkins.”  Thus ensuring that there was no confusion with the pumpkin patches where you go to pick out zebra mussels.”

Xouille on “ANTM”: “Holy meltdown Batman!  Seriously, that was the stupidest and most childish shit I’ve seen lately…and I have a one year old nephew who walks head-on into walls and closed doors.”

Sarcasatire on “RHONYC”: “If gorgeous ass Cynthia (from RHOA) is doing backwoods plus-size catalogs, then there’s no hope for Alex.  Unless Vogue needs a giraffe as a prop and can’t get one in time.”

Mister Dangerous on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “Watching NeNe pulling LaToya’s wig off would be the cherry on the top of my Sunday night.”

Itchy on “Steve Carrell’s Final Episode Will Run 50 Minutes”: “I remembered when they replaced Darrin.  Traumatized the hell out of me.  I kept wondering when they’d replace my dad with a sleeker, more handsome model.  And if they can do that with dads, they can do that with kids.  Come to think of it, I have no memories before the age of 8.  Hmm.”

Gilty Plezzur on “American Idol”: “Country fans like their All-American corn and he serves it up on a huge platter.  Right, Grandma?”

JudgyWudgy on “Real World”: “I really can’t say anything about stupid drunkenness.  I even stood up for Angelina on Jersey Shore once.  Oy.”

Wow on “Pregnant in Heels”: “I tried so hard to watch but her swollen tongue issue was too much for me to overcome…what is going on in there???”

2muchbravo on “Top Chef”: “I think he must have pulled some nose hairs or pinched his nuts in his zippers to work up those tears in the Ellis Island challenge.”

Libithina on “Pregnant in Heels”: “This show is brutal.  I caught it last week and I wanted to stab myself in the throat by the end for the reasons already mentioned above.”

Snappleaddict on “ANTM”: “Top Model was pre-empted because of a Cubs game here in Chicago, so I have to wait until Sunday to see it.  Now I have a reason to hate the Cubs even more.”

Vallegirl on “ANTM”: “But why will no one point out that when Alexandria smiles her tiny little niblet corn teeth and wrinkled eyes make her look like a possessed baby?  Shouldn’t these issues be addressed?”

Diana on “Biggest Loser”: “Cara:  Alison, you want to go box with me?  Ali:  Nah, I have to find out what’s offensive to wear on this side of the world too.”

Itchy on “American Idol”: “Scotty McCreepy should have sung the Midnight Cowboy song, since he holds the mike like he’s about to give head anyway.”

Sheesh on “Drag Race”: “Manila for the win…she’s a total package.  Hehe…I said ‘package’”.

Thiajok on “Sister Wives”: “I find that goosing the gas pedal a bit when passing Mormons on bicycles discourages them from stopping by your house as you exit the vehicle to go inside.”

Ashash on “Desperate Housewives”: “I miss Edie like she were a drunk aunt in my life.”

Snooty Bootches on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “What the hell was LaToya wearing?  She looked like a foot soldier in the Swarovski army!”

Elmstreet on “Real World”: “I have begun working ‘sexiled’ into my vocabulary.  Just thought you should know that.”

Mulecitybabe on “RHONYC”: “Sonja’s portrait looked like a forensic drawing that tries to guess what the skeleton looked like when it still had flesh.”

Chicken Lips on “Survivor”: “I went into work the next day and demanded a job title change.  It was denied, but I still refer to myself as Special Agent Chicken Lips.  Gives me the warm fuzzies.”

Chaosbutterfly on “Marcel’s Quantum Kitchen”: “As it’s so so so so mean, but omg that baby was so not cute.  I love chubby babies, but they should have gotten that one a stunt double or something.”

LaBellaLuna on “RHONYC”: “My private little fantasy is that they all get kidnapped by Somali pirates when they go to Morocco, and sentenced to hard labor for 10 years.  After a week of listening to their whining and fighting, the pirates decide to drop them off at the nearest port, where they’re sold into slavery to the Russian mafia.”

Georgiababe on “Desperate Housewives”: “Oh, but silly me, this is ‘Desperate Housewives’, ridiculous and unbelievably STUPID plots have been their specialty since Season 5…”

Alice on “ABDC”: “As for pole dancers, I was quite enjoying the prospect of pole dancing to Bieber, but the little brat would probably complain about the obscenity of it.”

Tadow on “Bad Girls Club”: “She has quickly become my favorite bad girl solely based on her willingness to beat the shit out of Dickie.”

Nashuaf on “ABDC”: “I miss Shane.  He was a perv, but he was our perv.”

RH Fan on “RHOC”: “Oh that I were a divorce lawyer in the OC.  I would be happy to take Donn’s case but I would have to add an extra fee for each time I was forced to type the ridiculous extra ‘n’ into his name in court documents.  People should pay extra for superfluous letters in their names.”

Miss Molly on “DWTS”: “Whoever dressed Kirstie should be shot.  Whoever dressed Maks has my eternal gratitude.”

Fan-Ann on “Top Chef Masters”: “I love Suvir.  He’s like televised Valium.  When I hear him speak I can feel my blood pressure going down and my mind mellows…”

Gilty Plezzur on “Top Chef Masters”: “If I like it, I’ll eat it.  I mean, if a fanny pack tasted good, I’d serve it up for dinner.”

Someguy on “Audrina”: “Only thing that worries me with this show and all the work Audrina is putting into it is not allowing her to continue her stellar movie career.”

Snooty Bootches on “There Will Be No Housewives of Vegas or Scottsdale”: “The RH of Wichita was cancelled to make way for the RH of the Appalachians.  In the first episode, Meemaw takes her teeth out to *ahem* help fund her Bingo habit and then can’t find them.  Meanwhile, JimmyBobJoeJimBob loses an eye in a freak moonshine accident and Peepaw confronts a rabid raccoon. Hmm…Actually, I might watch that show.  Lol.”

LosAngeles 1993 on “Audrina”: “I’m surprised she doesn’t run into walls with her eyes always staring at the ceiling.”

LAC on “RHONYC”: “Ramona is just a train wreck during an earthquake—I am exhausted watching her.  I did get a kick out of the attempt at bedroom eyes—I did not know squinting like you are trying to find his penis in the dark was considered sexy.”

Sheesh on “Mob Wives”: “I hope Karen likes pudding because that will be all she will be able to eat after Drita gets done with her.”

Samela808 on “RHONYC”: “Ten bucks says that, by the years end, Sonja starts her own line of Doctor Zhivago hats…and then immediately records a pop version of ‘Laura’s Theme’”.

(J)ust Peachy on “The Dance Scene”: “Why am I yelling?  I don’t know!  Apparently, bleeding toes excite me, LOL.”

Katie on “Bethenny Ever After”: “I think you kind of know who’s calling the shots when you are able to tell your husband when and where he can take a dump.”

Someguy on “RHOC”: “The biggest surprise this time was that Slade had a friend.”

Georgiababe on “Desperate Housewives”: “My Season 5 is missing though, perhaps my sub-conscious woke up at night and I burned it without knowing…”

Somebody Please Make it Stop on “DWTS”: “Yeah…Kirstie just glided along the dance floor like a zamboni…”

Loopygorilla on “ANTM”: “And what the hell happened to the covergirl tongue tied commercials?  I miss those, blast your lashes with the new covergirl lash blast blast collection, get that blast flash your lashes with the new blash flash lash blast covergirl lash blash blast queen collection.”

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