Commentgasm: Best in Comments 2011: January

****Bluzgirl has been spending the year reading every single comment and picking through the commenter hilarity. Thanks so much for your hard work, Bluz, and thanks so much to the wrong ass thoughts that run through your sicko heads, gasmii!! We will be presenting the Best Of Comments every day, ending on the first day of 2012. Have fun!-Flip

Polk8dot on “RHOA”: “The baby was 7LB 23oz??? REALLY??? Wouldn’t it be like saying that he was ‘eleventy’ weeks old?”

Faye on “Top Chef All Stars”: “When I saw Turdle hiding behind that table trying to avoid serving those chickpeas all I could think was ‘Crouching Scallop – Hidden Lesbian’”.

Tamitha on “16 & Pregnant”: “All the people on this show are ugly.”

Ohemgee on “Top Chef All Stars”: “I am also sure that said cranberry and vodka prevented me from getting the Captcha right so I forgot what I was going to say that night.(Although I am certain it would have been intellectual eloquent prose)”

Thiajok on “TVgasm’s Best, Worst and Biggest A-hole of the Year Awards”: ”It occurs to me that resolving to not make a resolution is in fact making a resolution.”

Hypnotoad on “Willow Smith wants to do ‘Parents Just Don’t Understand’”: “Willow Smith is a robot built by Scientologists. There. I said it.”

Sardini on “Celebrity Rehab”: “I’m not here to comment but to ask if anyone knows that dude Keaton’s number. He overcharged me for weed awhile back and I want to give him a piece of my mind.”

Hisroyalhighness on “RHOA”: “If Dean is a “celebrity stylist” then why is he driving what looks like a 1992 Toyota Corolla hatchback?”

Mick on “16 & Pregnant”: “Fuck all these idiots, and where’s my sterilization raygun?”

Hateful Snarkpants on “Toddlers and Tiaras”:  “I miss the days of a good, well-deserved ass beating.”

JasonR on “An Excerpt from Snooki’s Book”: “I’m still amazed this little Oompah Loompah is famous.”

Brzysmom on “Toddlers and Tiaras”: “When my 14 year old daughter was around demon child’s age, I was approached to get her in a pageant. When I read the application, saw the fee and what all I had to do to enter her, my fat ass said hell no, way too much work and I went to take a nap instead.”

Vallegirl on “Toddlers and Tiaras”: “And note to Juana: If you are pregnant, just tell Makenzie you’re getting fat because I’m pretty sure Damien killed his mother when he found out she was pregnant and you can’t be too careful.”

Pixielated on “Millionaire Matchmaker”: “Panda, I think any 25-year-old who got banged by Matt would be dead inside. If not before, then certainly after!”

Itchy on “Gwyneth’s Big Return”: “I like Gwyneth. Especially now that she’s letting Project Runway dress her.”

LAC on “Football Wives”: “Not that I would say that to Chanita’s face – something tells me that one carries vaseline and always has someone to hold her earrings.”

2muchbravo on “Toddlers and Tiaras”: “I’m flying in February. I think I’ll shout, “Where’s the orange Dockers duffel?!” at the baggage claim.”

Urfavegirl on “Desperate Housewives”: “I can’t even comment on the ridiculous doll storyline with Gaby, but I’m hoping this kidney will finally be what kills Susan off.”

Interplanetjanet on “Biggest Loser”: “Hey, did anyone else get the creepy/pervy vibe from the wierdy twins? They look like they spend their time hanging around ice cream trucks for something besides ice cream ….”

Georgiababe on “Desperate Housewives”: “I think the writers of this show make it bad on purpose. They probably have a pool every week to see how many idiots keep watching hopefully and then cackle evilly while drinking champagne from a box when the episode airs, congratulating each other on how shitty that week’s episode is. It would certainly explain a lot of things.”

PinkLemonade on “Camille is Trying to Quit”: “Let the porn guppy hooker-looking sea hag go to wherever she thinks would be a friendlier place.”

Val Silveria on “About Last Night—Top Chef”: “I’m still puzzled as why anyone would need to leash a turtle!? Is it a vicious turtle? Is Fabio so slow that if the turtle “runs” away he wouldn’t be able to catch it?”

Jess Chapman on “Desperate Housewives”: “I feel like whenever someone from the cast goes into the hospital for whatever reason, the staff is all, ‘Oh, fuck, it’s someone from Wisteria Lane again.’”

Bioscotto on “V”: “I love the way the V’s can put tiny nano-cams into EVERY SINGLE JACKET THEY OWN but don’t have the smarts to put up a few security cameras in key locations on the ship.”

JasonR on “Pac-Man Reality Series: Really?”:  “Weeeeeeeeeeewwwww; womp womp.  That’s Pac-Man for ‘Game Show Fail’”.

PageantsRock on “Toddlers & Tiaras”: “All I can think of when I see women wearing Uggs is, ‘Wow…Moist’”.

Notwithoutmytv on “The Fashion Show”: “Johnny Weir scares me.  Like in Rudolph, when Rudolph, Hermie and Yukon Corneilias are trying to go to sleep in that tiny house way out in the tundra on the Island of Misfit toys, and they hear the Abominable roaring somewhere?  He scares me like that.”

Sarcasatire on “Jersey Shore”: “I can give you just as any euphemisms for a one eyed trouser snake, in at least 4 different languages and dialects, but I’m not sure that would qualify me as a urologist.  Not like I haven’t tried.”

Tpaggie05 on “Live to Dance”: “I just couldn’t enjoy the ballet dancers since the male dancer had a very creepy resemblance to Spencer Pratt”.

Elmstreet on “RHOA”: “Donkey Booty:  Is this equivalent to a Bubble Ass?  Or is it more appealing?  Less appealing?  Does Kroy Bierman have a donkey booty?”

Jess Chapman on “Jersey Shore”: “Oh, great, it’s Danny again.  Am I the only one who thinks there’s something unusually punchable about his face?  I feel like I could just see him walking down the street, punch him, and not feel bad about it.”

WaffleBoy on “V”: “From now on when I don’t know how to handle a situation I’ll just ask myself, what would Anna do?  Counterperson:  “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve breakfast after ten.”  Me:  [slap]  ‘You dare defy me!’”

Bananas on “Celebrity Rehab”: “Also is the other Jason going to do anything on this show besides convert oxygen in to carbon dioxide?”

Notwithoutmytv on “The Sister Wives are Moving to Nevada”: “They moved to Nevada because Janelle had severely depleted Utah’s supply of HoHos.”

Cattyfan on “Celebrity Rehab”: “So…Gummi is the brother of someone who used to hang out with Paris Hilton?  THAT’S what passes for a celebrity these days???”

Rubinia on “Bad Girls Club”: “I can’t believe I still watch this show, mostly because of how bad I imagine that house must smell.  I can see the stink lines wafting from my screen.”

Photogrrrl on “Celebrity Rehab”: “The only person on this show who will stay sober is the cat.  Maybe.”

Sardini on “American Idol”: “Steven Tyler looks like a Real Housewife.”

JimbobJones on “About Last Night:  V and Biggest Loser”: “Am I the only one who wondered when I saw the ‘person unhinging their jaw and eating the rat’ pic if it were from “V” or from ‘The Biggest Loser’”?

Victory on “Toddlers & Tiaras”: “Alexis’ dad is a dead ringer for Chastity Bono—before and after.”

Jess Chapman on “Skins”: “Christ.  I know there’s been a trend lately of movies centered around nerdy guys losing their virginity, but this is ridiculous.  It’s not that interesting unless you’re there!”

JimbobJones on “Top Chef”: “And cut off other people’s fingers?  Turdle?  Pah!  That would require some effort!”

Notwithoutmytv on “American Idol”: “I’ve expelled things into a Kleenex that were more useful than Randy Jackson.”

C in Chicago on “V”: “My first thought on Anna’s mother was, ‘Wow! Aging Space Hooker? That’s a daring look.’ This is a deeply, deeply silly show. But hey, props for making fitness models having sex completely un-hot. That takes some doing.”

Anonymous on “Man with the Golden Voice on Today Show”: “He named his daughter Tangela…love when people name their children after Pokemon.”

Notwithoutmytv on “My Big Friggin’ Wedding”: “This show is like Say Yes to the Dress only on cheap vodka mixed with Red Bull, with an ecstacy chaser.”

Cattyfan on “Toddlers and Tiaras”: “I’m pretty sure the girl burst into tears because she suddenly realized in 20 years she’s gonna look like her mother.”

Cattyfan on Moviegasm’s “Labyrinth”: “I still have a stuffed Sir Didymous. Where does that put me on the geek scale?”

Faye on “The Bachelor”: “Brad is the type of fine I would loan my rent money to knowing he did not have a job and wasn’t going to pay me back. My only stipulation is once again, he would have to ask naked.”

Shantigal on “Jersey Shore Premiered Big—Did You Watch?”: “As long as Sammi gets punched every episode, I will watch.”

Notwithoutmytv on “The Bachelor”: “If Chris Harrison is such a friend to Brad, where was he when Brad was face down in the gutter outside Austin’s Coyote Trap bar and grille?”

Adekus on “The Bachelor”: “Girls on 16 & Preg hit their boyfriends & get domestic violence lectures from Drew & abuse victim hotline ads put up after their scenes.  Chantal hits Brad & she gets fantasy dates, trips & wins a diamond ring & all the perks of winning The Bachelor.  Mixed messages much?”

Tnchick on “Millionaire Matchmaker”: “Who gives a handy j on the first date with a person who clearly doesn’t like you? robin was a hot ass mess and it was so hard to watch her. that being said i’ve watched this episode twice so far and i’ll probably watch it again”

Sarcastire on “Awards Season:  Black Swan”: “During the particular dark and tense scenes, you would see her trying so hard to emote that I just wanted to yell, “Why can’t you move your forehead?”

Notwithoutmytv on “The Bachelor”: “I tell you, soon The Bachelor is just going to stop even pretending to be a real show and film the rose ceremonies with the attendees standing in a large vat of oatmeal while a small Asian man in a dragon mask screams at them through a megaphone.”

Medusa on “Salon Takeover”: “Speaking as a northeasterner – when summer rolls in like late-May, all we all run outside and stare into the sun for 12 weeks.”

Itchy on “Video:  The Kids React to Viral Video”:  “I used to like kids. Then I had my own. I love my own kids, sure. But I pretty much hate the rest of ‘em.”

Cattyfan on “Live to Dance”: “And the picture of Travis Payne posing with Michael Jackson looks like Travis was at Madame Tussauds…but that might have more to do with Jackson’s fondness for surgery in his attempt to look like Rob Lowe.”

BlackCardRevoked on “RHOBH”: “Camille may be a b!tch but there is one thing all these women could learn from her…hire ugly help.”

Bananas on “Celebrity Rehab”: “You know what I want to know is Gummi straight or gay… Not that it matters but I am secretly hoping for option three and that he is in fact anatomically a ken doll as to spare both men and women from even the thought of having sex with him.”

Snooty Bitches on “Millionaire Matchmaker”: “So.. I just read my post to my husband and his response was “Camille? Isn’t that a dude?” Then he realized his mistake… “Oh, I thought you said Camilla.” LOL!”

LAC on “Camille on Ellen:  Kelsey Made Me Do It”: “Darn….I wonder if I should watch this since Kelsey is not there…”

Cattyfan on “Gray’s Anatomy”: “I never saw Kim Raver as Mr. Ed. To me, she’s more like Edvard Munch’s “The Scream” come to (unfortunate) life.”

Georgiababe on “Live to Dance”: “When that weird group in the purple hoodies (the group where the teacher met Paula when she was a kid) came out and then stuck their heads out of those weird black circles, only one thought came to mind: VAGINA”.

Itchy on “The Bachelor”:  “How does one become a very proud heterosexual? Are there closet heterosexuals? What would be the heterosexual version of Out magazine? Maxim?”

Sarcastire on “Jersey Shore”: “How can someone coin the phrase, “Blast in a glass”, when they only drink from Solo cups?”

Itchy on “Millionaire Matchmaker”:  “I really enjoy when we discuss vaginas here.”

LAC on “Camille on Ellen”: “I have bronchitis, Kelsey made me get it, but i cannot help that other women are jealous about my bronchitis. I think I am getting a bad edit about the bronchitis…”

Pegster on “Jersey Shore”: “The only time I find Sammi tolerable is when someone is punching her in the face.”

Itchy on “Jersey Shore”: “I’M SHOUTING BECAUSE I HAVE A PERMANENT RAVE PARTY IN MY HEAD.”

Rubinia on “Salon Takeover”: “If I had to hear anyone say “shtick” one more time I was about to poke myself in the eye with a shtick!!”

Clair on “Toddlers and Tiaras”: “Please let pageant dad David find this site…please let pageant dad David find this site…”

Mister Dangerous on “Quickie:  Russell Hantz and Boston Bob Mariano on Redemption Island”: “Right now I’m wishing Russell and I get married and we have three sons.  The first would be named Russell Jr.  The second would be named Russell the 3rd and the third would be named Antonio jr.  Then we could buy a house together and become the “toast” of Texas society.”

Oodle_noodle on “Top Chef”: “Something tells me Juanita and Rhonda will be celebrating the Year of the Cock (chicken, rooster, same thing) everytime it rolls around for bring about the downfall of Casey the Dream Killer.”

Tamitha on “Celebrity Rehab”: “When a muppet in a straw wig is laughing at you, the national enq is doing you a favor.”

Prodo on “American Idol”: “I hate it so much and I hate myself for hating it but I love it more than I hate it.”

Gilty Plezzur on “American Idol”: “Steven Tyler is excellent evidence that people should never breed with donkeys.”

Meagan Riley on “Toddlers and Tiaras”: “Before I started watching this show, I used to pride myself on having so few common interests with the child molester next door.  You know, never lacing my Halloween candy with GHB, and always keeping both hands visible at the local park.”

Snooty Bootches on “Jersey Shore”: “I wonder if Sammi lies in bed all day just praying that at some point she might get off too.”

Ohralphie on “Biggest Loser”:  “I bet the douche wears pumas and quotes Kurt Vonnegut.”

Deja Johnson on “Bad Girls Club”: “Well it’s been settled, ‘goofy-ass ho’ is now a word of welcome and affection here.”

Sam the Intern on “Kings of Leon/Glee Feud”:  “Seven year olds probably don’t watch “Glee”.  Just saying.  When ratings come in, networks don’t go, ‘Well, in our 7-10 year old demographic, we had 4 million viewers…’”.

Lmnopie on “Skins”: “I think the reason this show may not last longer is not because it’s so controversial and too edgy, but because it sucks.”

Soapboxx on “Toddlers & Tiaras”: “I would not want to sleep in the same house as Cassidy.  I can totally see her sneaking down the hallway with a butcher’s knife and then appearing next to my bed.  Woooo-ooo!  Scary!”

Zerocool on “Top Chef”: “Just reiterating I am not a fact-checker, just a rumor-monger.”

Bridget Miller on “You’re Cut Off”: “Watching too much of this show makes me homicidal”.

Thiajok on “Tabitha’s Salon Takeover”: “I do get tickled at some of the regular posters going back and forth.  It’s endearing to me for some reason.  Makes me want to hug ‘em.”

Snooty Bootches on “Jersey Shore”: “During the episode, I was screaming the following at my computer:  WHY?!!!  WHY ARE YOU CONVINCING HER TO STAY!  OH THE HUMANITY!!!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP AND LET HER GO!  And they completely ignored me.”

****Fantastic beginning to the year, guys! To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!