Commentgasm: Best in Comments: March 2011

Megs on “RHOM”: “I’m a blue state, prius driving pacifist but whenever I see Christy’s smug mug staring directly into the camera my fists start getting a little twitchy.”

Snootchy Bootches on “You’re Cut Off!”: “When I learned from this show:  You can have 9 Louis Vuitton suitcases full of expensive clothes and still end up wearing an ugly sparkly dress that makes you look like you have the breasts of a 60 year old crack whore.”

Itchy on “American Idol”: “I’m glad Haley made it in, because none of the other gals seem to understand how to make a blowjob face while they’re singing.”

K37744 on “ANTM”: “And if I ever ran across a hat called a Talleywacker, I would buy it immediately.”

Melissa Wray on “Audrina’s New Show:  Who Cares!”: “If anyone in the Gasmii is brave enough to make a snarky filet mignon out of a boring, blah can of Spam, I will quickly drop to my knees and forsake all others before them.  Just sayin’.”

Anna on “Teen Mom”: “I’m throwing my vote in with Marissa that Jo and Kail head to People’s Court.  I think Judge Judy would take one look at Jo and tell him to stop waxing his eyebrows so vigorously and stop jerk-texting.”

Ellemck1 on “V”: “True, it really would help to have cameras.  Of course…then the writers would have to start thinking things through a little, and it would all become a big nightmare!  Oh, wait…Nevermind.”

Itchy on “Jersey Shore”: “It seems to me they’ve been lighting the show differently too, making everyone look like crack addicts.  Maybe it’s MTV’s way of saying:  ‘We made you, and we can break you too’”.

Rock4moose on “Top Chef”: “First, Mike Isabella with a boner in his underwear (did that just sound like the ending to the weirdest game of Clue ever) is not a funny thought.”

Clair on “Desperate Housewives”: “I gasped:  Shirtless Mike.  I drooled:  Shirtless Mike.  I stared:  Shirtless Mike.  I pondered:  I wonder if Shirtless Mike would look better with chest hair…Where is Shirtless Carlos…I wonder if Mike would look good in a goatee…”

Crankyguy on “Top Chef”: “I suddenly realized that Blazehawk is what Calvin of “Calvin and Hobbs” would look like as an adult.  Does anybody else see that?”

Georgiababe on “Desperate Housewives”: “Also, I totally was in a talent show at my school when I was 14, I did a lyrical dance number and got 3rd place.  And I totally should have won.  The people who got second did a terrible rendition of “Back in Black” and the guy who won just dressed in drag and pranced around the stage, lip synching.  It was funny, but terrible funny.  I should have gone with armpit farts, I would have taken it no problem.”

Paganchick on “RHOC”: “So, yes Alexis is a big breasted hypocrite for Christ.”

Bananas on “Teen Mom”: “All this show makes me realize is that one of every four men is a complete and total douche nozzle and makes me want to have my vagina sown shut to avoid ever reproducing with anyone like this!”

Soapbox on “Survivor”: “The only thing the troll left out was the Checkers speech.  Best Survivor ever!  Watching that little bitch sob like a 12 year old Bieber fan locked out of a “Return to Canada” reunion tour was awesome!”

Cattyfan on “Casey Abrams is OK!”: “I’m sure he’s delighted to have his gastro-intestinal distress splashed all over the news.  Aaaaaannnnd…that was poorly worded.”

Chicken Lips on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “The whole episode they kept showing ‘David Cassidy—Teen Idol’.  That’s like saying ‘Chicken Lips—Fetus’”.

Where’s My Coffee on “RHOC”: “Gretchen has a homely face, and Vicki needs to do a better job covering her floppers.  That’s all I’ve got.”

Itchy on “Glee”: “Hmmm.  An inconsistency in Glee?  No.  Not possible.  Couldn’t happen.”

Kittkatt on “Skins”: “Don’t really care how shitty this show gets as long as Warren continues to not wear a shirt.”

Wilma Fingherdu on “RHOC”: “I used to like Jeanna, Gretchen seemed like someone I’d like to go drinking with, but this season, I truly hate all of them with the heat of a thousand waffle irons.”

paganchick on “RHOC”: “Well, I always figured Tammy Sue was planning a fall back career in porn.  Now, it appears she is “priming the pump” for that career transition.  Yes, I just skeeved myself out with that image, but it had to be said, right?”

ElmStreet on “Top Chef”: “Pigshit isn’t part of the human species.  Hell, he isn’t even pig.  Pigs are actually cute and cuddly.  He’s an undercooked wild boar.”

Sarcasatire on “RHOC”: “Just a few seasons ago, Vicki’s team was so old she was giving Botox parties at her office.  Now they’re so young she’ll be rewarding good sales with a piñata.”

Soapboxx on “Amazing Race”: “A long time ago on “The Price is Right” they were giving away a Ford Escort during the Spelling Bee game.  You know the one where they pick numbers of the honeycomb and try to spell C.A.R.?  Well the lady spelled C.A.C.A..  I thought they should have given her a piece of shit.”

Dirty Sanchez on “Amazing Race”: “Hi-def is not kind to the goths.”

Snootchy Bootches on “Apprentice”: “My husband turned to me after watching this episode and said, ‘If I had any Dionne on my ipod I would delete her.  But I don’t.  So I am going to illegally download some of her music for free and then delete it’.”

Thiajok on “Bethenny Ever After”: “I’m not a terrible mother, I’m a terrible motherfucker.  Oh wait, that might not be what I meant, either.”

Melange on “American Idol”: “Casey looks like the love child of Fozzie Bear and Animal.”

Tracy Lund on “Charlie’s Angels”: “And I will show my age here, but Pia and her hair/outfit made me ask, ‘Why is Charlie’s Angels Era Jaclyn Smith on American Idol’?”

Carol on “Off the Map”: “Relating a prison in the remote jungle to some porn he saw once, um, okay, now that I think about it, he is not that far off.  Sort of like when I tell any guy I went to an all girls catholic boarding school, they all get this funny look in their eyes.”

Wasabipeas on “Top Chef”: “Scar just doesn’t look pretty to me anymore.  Her behavior since the birth of her child has ruined her for me.  All I see now are her large gums.”

Mulecitybabe on “Sister Wives”: “The only kid I see any hope for at all is the one in the green shirt on the left in the “Y for Wyoming” pic.  He’s sitting as far away from his fucktard family as humanly possible and holding up 2 fingers for the Y.  You can just tell he’s the one that’s going to kill them all in their sleep one night.”

Marissa on “Pretty Little Liars”: “p.s.  I hate you for making me want a cupcake.”

Amy Petrica on “Top Chef”: “Is there really a Top Chef Canada?  Is there a Canadian Scar?  ‘Make a delicious dish with poutine and maple syrup in 45 minutes.  Your time starts…NOW!”.

See-Jay on “The Idol Mansion is Haunted”: “Perhaps we’ve discovered what actually happens to all of the “eliminated” contestants.”

J-Mo on “MTV Picks Up The Real World for 2 More Seasons”: “…nowadays chubbos and fuggos no longer exist in the realm of reality MTV unless we’re there to lose weight or undergo plastic surgery or have a baby at 16.  Or have a hidden penis.”

Lindaw205 on “RHOC”: “I hate them all equally and wish nothing but the worst on any of them.  But I can’t stop watching them.  Something is definitely wrong with me.”

Cattyfan on “Lindsay is Dropping Lohan From Her Name”: “Wouldn’t it be more effective to drop the drinking, drugs and shoplifting?”

JudgyWudgy on “Real World”: “Alcohol turned Adam into an uber-douchebag?  From the sounds of it, he’s an uber douchebag while sober.  I’m pretty sure BIRTH turned Adam into an uber douchebag.”

Cattyfan on “Lindsay is Dropping Lohan From Her Name”: “It’s just sad that in addition to all her other problems, she’s now become a name dropper.”

Sarcasatire on “Quantum Kitchen”: “Marcel’s eyes are bugging out because he discovered the formula for taking white powder and turning it into a rock.  See, science can be fun.”

Vallegirl on “ANTM”: “As for Alexandria’s ointment, I’m sure the evil is just oozing out of her pores so what you actually saw was spackle to keep her evil firmly in place.  Wouldn’t want to lose a drop of it.”

Soapboxx on “American Idol”: “I had to read that through closed eyes, which I can do because I did so many drugs in ‘70s that I have holes in my eyelids.”

Snootchy Bootches on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “Someone needs to explain to her that stretch pants are a privilege not a right.”

Gilty Plezzur on “American Idol”: “The only way any of these could bring me to tears would be through uncontrollably laughing at them.”

Sarcasatire on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “Gary didn’t spell Freedom.  He spelled Freedoom.  Also, he just had a baby recently.  So don’t feel bad…Gary’s getting some.  Just imagine that pillow talk.  ‘Honey, you just inspired me to think of one for Cum.  Cry Under Me.’”.

Matt Lam on “Celebrity Apprentice”: “Whenever I see the Trumps, I think of the Borgia family.  Donald Sr being Rodgrigo (Pope Alexander Sixtus), Donald Jr. is Cesare and Ivanka is Lucrezia.  Anyway, Rodrigo and  Cesare both banged Lucrezia on a daily basis.  I dunno where I was going with that…Whatever.”

Snootchy Bootches on “The Brownstone has Sh*ty Food”: “I think they aren’t the real mob.  They are the “mob” like Gwynneth Paltrow is a singer.”

Jerseyj on “Bad Girls Club”: “Trucky would have to go home for punching Botox.  Don’t get me wrong…I’m all for letting these skanks beat the crap out of each other, I just want the rules to be consistent.”

Marijai on “The Italians Are Not Happy With Jersey Shore”: “Italy gave us the Guidices.  It’s only fair we send them Snooki.”

Itchy on “American Idol”: “I liked Kara, but at least J-Lo doesn’t appear to be spitting whenever she speaks.”

Mister Dangerous on “Survivor”: “Jeff Probst wears make-up.  I don’t.  Jeff Probst is a delicate little flower.  I’m not.  I’m too MANLY to be Jeff Probst.”

Juddfan on “Top Chef”: “Half the reason I watch anything is because someone is hot.  Yes, I’m just that shallow (or desperate)”.

Mary Pearson on “Sister Wives”: “I found out that she owns her own food storage business called E-Z Pantry.  Gosh, some jokes just write themselves, don’t they?”

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