Commentgasm: Best in Comments: May 2012

BedHeadJen on Eden’s World: You know, if Anna Nicole Smith had passed away before Eden was born, I think it would be enough to scientifically prove reincarnation.
notwithoutmyTV on Dear TVgasm: The Lifetime Network: I never thought “massage therapist” WASN’T a sex industry job, anyway…
WaffleBoy on Dear TVgasm: The Lifetime Network: Don’t feel bad, allegedly this came as a surprise to John Travolta too.
Fan-Ann on Dear TVgasm: The Lifetime Network: My status as an amateur massage therapist feels threatened.
kloewent on Eden’s World: Eden is a pretty child, but I think she is going to look exactly like her mom when she grows up.
StageMom on Toddlers & Tiaras: I feel for the maid who had to clean up after the turkey.
Rick on John Travolta’s Happy Ending: Welp, at least he didn’t go to a Horshack.
See what I did there?

Chaosbutterfly on Around the World in 80 Plates: Sweet Genius is a good way to end a terrible date. Just take your date’s hand, look longingly into his/her eyes, and smile just like Ron Ben-Israel while saying, “You belong in my world of desserts”.

StageMom on Toddlers and Tiaras: Autocorrect = Apple’s way of thinning the herd.

robotmonkey on RHOC: Kudos to the RHOC! They’ve thrown off last year’s trend, the pocket gay, for an even more cutting edge accessory! The “pocket douche”! Nothing screams “I’m the boss” or “My tank is full” more than toting around a balding, chubby, financially emasculated man with child support issues. I think this is going to sweep America, people.

itchy on Top 10 Shows Tonight: Hooray for the Bachelorette! I propose that this season, instead of handing out roses, she should hand out cold, dead fish. As a, you know, symbol.

sheesh on TVgasm Investigates: Toddlers and Tiaras Book of Baby Names: I know someone named Sinnamon. Well….. she’s my sister. My mom named her after a character in the TV series “Mission Impossible”. She’s got her MBA so there’s hope for the Placentia’s out there.
notwithoutmyTV on The Bachelorette: Three prop creeps? Bachelorette slides further towards becoming a sitcom. Next season, I bet they’ll stunt cast that CGI cat from Puss ‘n Boots, and he’ll make it right up to the fantasy date (hey, farther than a minority will ever go!), but no further, because… beastiality.
Moli on Toddlers and Tiaras: Dammit first time ever as post 100…COCK and Snarkle Baby
chaosbutterfly on Demi is NOT Getting Britney Money: Even if she’s not making Britney money, she’s still winning. Unless you count the eating disorders and cutting and rehab and depression and insecurity and drugs and alcohol and bipolar disorder. Then maybe she is losing.
BrattyMcPants on RHONJ: quit it with the Switzerland act, your arms are brown from shit stirring.
itchy on The Bachelorette: Haven’t watch the full show yet, but I did notice her tits have grown even bigger than her head.
Insightful Info on Eden’s World: They should be sued for deformation of character.
kthxbai on The Bachelorette: They get those giant heads when they quit eating. It was Tina Brown that discovered it. While she was writing that book about Princess Di.
DaisyHurts on Celebrity Apprentice: On the topic of whether using words like bitch and whore to put down a woman is wrong, I would say it is wrong only if she is not literally bitchy and whorish.
BellicoseBaby on Snooki Gave Up Tanning: Is it just me or is she looking a little Judge Judy in the face?
DaisyHurts on Celebrity Apprentice: She(Aubrey)’s taken multiple pictures of herself licking a stripper pole!!! I could barf. And I just watched a koala baby eating its mother’s poop straight from her butthole without blanching.

StageMom: JHo you ignorant twat. As Bob Barker used to say, help control the animal population and spay or neuter your pets.
BedHeadJen on Toddlers and Tiaras: Last Christmas I decided that instead of pointing and laughing, I would surprise them by bedazzling my Ralphie ‘You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out” t-shirt. Unfortunately, patience was not included in the box.
CrisB83 on Toddlers and Tiaras: Too bad Camari wasn’t in the pet pageant- she could have dressed like a puppy and brought the mama dog as her “pet”. Her tendency towards growls and grunts would have been a bonus.
Insightful Info on Eden’s World: You would think it would be a liability to have somebody doing shots with one hand and a curling iron in the other.
Closet Fan on Toddlers and Tiaras: Eden has 66,330 likes on Facebook. Camarie has 133. So close I can see how Jennifer got confused.
hot cawfee on RHONJ: Caro and Jax will be on Long Island on Saturday and Uncle Guiseppe’s Market—I am so tempted to go. I guess I just look for the white Jag with the vanity plate “FAMBLY’
sheesh on Celebrity Apprentice: I miss the forums because I swear I saw Sarah Michelle Geller smoking and I have no one to talk about it with!
notwithoutmyTV on The Bachelorette: Emily tells Entertainment Weekly, “I’m feisty and sassy!” Yeah, well so are rat terriers, but no one wants to see one smelling 19 other dogs’ butts on TV!
sarcasatire on Celebrity Apprentice: Aubrey licks stripper poles. COCK!
Sparkle McSnarkle on Toddlers: JHo, you suck at life, and you look like you smell. Toodles, bitch.
Valentine on Toddlers and Tiaras Book of Baby Names: I was watching one of the new episodes from this season and a non feathered kids this season was named Ya-ha-ria (obviously I’m spelling it phonetically) at first all I though was either diarrhea (which lead me to a thought on the name Latrina) or gonorrhea. People! please think of the children!!!
skychickie on Parent of the Week: Alexis Bullino: Demerol, morphine, and coumadin. All good names for those free puppies at the party.
J-Nut on Toddlers and Tiaras: I found D’apostrophe’s *Africa* routine offensive, and I’m an old white woman. Quinoa would probably be the first person crying racism over an innocent remark, but she showed her ignorance (and her ass) with that ignorant stereotyped costume and “dance’. Sure, D’apostrophe, sure. All Africans do handstands and cartwheels while wearing leaopard-print white spandex with dyed chicken feathers. I saw it on “National Geographic.”
truthsquad on John Travolta Scandal: I’m so tired of these vicious rumors about my favorite stars…who next?….. Tom Cruise? !!
rubinia on Toddlers: We recently hired a woman of Korean descent at my workplace (she’s lived in the US from a young age, though, so she has an “American” accent). At her “welcome” party, one of the older people attending very confidently greeted her with “Namaste! That’s what ‘your people’ say, right?”
whoochile on Toddlers: IOWA
Idiots
Out
Wandering
About
April on the Desperate Housewives Finale: That was one messed up street.
Too-Old-To-Care on RHOC: Gretchen continues to worry about not getting pregnant in the next year or so, but conveniently forgets that she and Slade discussed how he’s HAD A VASECTOMY! Why do I get the feeling Gretchen really *doesn’t* know where babies come from. :^)
Sardini on JLo is Probably Leaving Idol: American Idol would be much better if Jo-Lo would just be the b*** she is!
notwithoutmyTV on RHOC: Anybody ever play the arcade game Moon Patrol in the 80s? Vicki’s face always makes me think of driving my little moon buggy across the moon’s surface.
randomnicole on RHOC: Tamra is 45 and I have the yearbooks to prove it
snowshoecat on RHOC: Those weird facial features come from bad cases of scalpelitis, a tragic disease that comes from getting by on looks with nothing else to offer and then by trying to defy time. (see side effects of kiddie beauty pageants).
tvsnarkeling on RHOC: Entertaining a friend in your Bathroom!! Didn’t anyone think that was odd or is that a trend that just has not hit Amish country yet. A house that size and the only place Tamara is allowed to sit is in the bathroom. I would have been offended, I guess Tamara is used to it.
itchy on Survivor: I thought they brought Blossom on as a PSA warning against the dangers of chin implants.
surly surly on Mad Men: Love the snark – it’s why I come to TVgasm. There are other websites available to gravely opine on Mad Men as though it just came down from The Mount. Once a show begins to take itself too seriously and buys into the hype, it’s doomed anyway.
sheesh on Mad Men: @badger
I want to marry your screen name.
sheesh on Mob Wives: Ramona is THIRSTY!!!!!!!!
AND once again she brought up her grandfather. I hope she gets knocked the fuck out.
Monica on RHOC: The whole thing with the puppies made me beyond irate. You adopt an animal because you truly want one, are truly committed to caring for one, etc…. NOT because you saw a cute one at a birthday party and felt like adopting it at that moment. That’s how most animals end up neglected… I feel compelled to facebook Andy so he can discuss this at the reunion.
notwithoutmytv on RHOC: Because Andy bringing it up at the reunion will totally settle the matter.

BelowSeaLevel on RHOC: I never thought of telling a guest that we’ll just take our drinks into the bathroom and hang out for a while. I like it.
When Slade can come up with enough money to buy a CZ, he should totally ask Heather to host their wedding in the bathroom and bring in some rescue llamas that guests could adopt. It could be the douche bag llama wedding
vallegirl on Grimm: I’m just tired of shows undeading dead characters. LET THEM BE DEAD. If she doesn’t have a head, she’s dead dammit.
Caprica6 on Toddlers and Tiaras: @ ConfusedinCanada and Zedd — I’m taking my first trip to Canada this summer (yay!), and in order to communicate clearly, I intend to talk very loudly and slowly to everyone I meet, because I’m sure no one in Canada knows English, right? And whenever I order something in a restaurant, I’m going to make a face and loudly ask, “Y’all Canadians don’t put anything weird in that, do y’all?” and “Is that REAL bacon or Canadian bacon?” I also intend to constantly express amazement that no one lives in igloos.
Then again, maybe I’d better not. My sister would surely run my down with the rental car. (Y’all do drive cars up there, right? I’ve always wanted to try mushing.) Okay, I’ll stop now. Hey, I’m from Texas; I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of silly questions.
snowshoecat on Don’t be Tardy for the Wedding: CJ, my first thought about that little sweetie was that Kroy’s family should create a distraction and whisk him away to parts unknown until he grows up– or better, wait until his little bro is born and take them both. Then I thought of some of us Gasmii who have not only endured having awful excuses for mothers but have come out the experience strong, thankyouverymuch.
Somehow, though, I think women survive the nutso mother experience better than men. Sexist? Pppffffffbbbbtttt!
stickiechickie on Around the World in 80 Plates: So the first episode I watched I was drunk and got really confused. The 2nd not drunk but I fell asleep during the show… I’m thinking I need to find a happy medium.
Lady Stardust on ANTM: As stupid as it seems to have a British person win AMERICA’S Next Top Model, I can’t stand Laura so I hope Sophie wins. Laura’s so whiny…she’s too hardcore to be “pretty” all of a sudden?
And I have to agree with SexyPanda about Kelly. Girl looks ROUGH. She reminds of the semi-goth girl with questionable hygiene that sits in the back corner of the classroom in high school. How on earth do these people become such high rollers in the fashion industry? I didn’t get Andre Leon Talley either with his stupid choir robe he used to wear. How is that fashion?? He wore the same damn thing every day!
zbird on ANTM: Congratulations, Panda! Have fun with the wedding, and have even more fun being married You’re man sounds awesome, especially the self-laugh part. Too cute!
zbird on ANTM: That’s *your* not you’re. Ugh.
PlathAddict on Desperate Housewives: Thank you so much for sharing my favorite kind of cake – BEEF! I think I will miss your recaps more than I’ll miss the show. I kind of hardened my heart against it after they killed Edie, but I just couldn’t quit the crazy of Wisteria Lane. I do think it’s crazy that Bree went into politics. I mean think of all the shenanigans this woman has been involved with. She abandoned her son, she was accused of murdering her husband. Her second husband covered up the murder of his mistress, attempted to murder Mike, and was a freaking burglar.
Then there is the alcoholism, the second murder accusation, and all of the crap with her daughter. I guess the vetting process wasn’t that stringent.
melange on American Idol: That girl Ester was somehow bizarrely a caricature of herself. (How is that possible, if this is the first time we’ve met her?) Also, with the Twizzler, I kept waiting for her to morph into Dr. Walter Bishop. They would totally pull that shit on Fringe!
I still love me some day-glo Adam Lambert. He deserves better material. So funny to see that he still sticks his tongue out when he sings falsetto – a bad habit built into his technique, but whatever works!
Joshua is quite a singer, but the man has no subtlety. Subtlety like a braying donkey. He idolizes Fantasia, but she has more control in her little fingernail than he does in his whole, uh, package.
I’m surprised PP requires surgery, usually they can break the little suckers up with ultrasound. It must be pretty bad. I don’t think he can blame the atonality on pain, though. It’s been there since the beginning.
Jessi on on Grimm: @Maryedith, pretty much! @Vallegirl, you are a hero to felines everywhere. Altho, Baskerville has its charm, I suppose. Especially if you want to pretend your cat is a professor of English literature.
notwithoutmytv on RHONJ: @Gypsy: I haven’t read it, but based on the evidence at hand, the blog probably goes thus:
O.M.G.!!! Vegas is SOOOOOOOOOO fun!!!! I think Im stil drunk!!!! I think I have an std, too. the guy told me he’d been tested, but the Bacardi was flowin, so… Oh well! tee hee. OMG, you guys, my mom is SUCH a beeyotch. Even now that im out of teh house, shes still up in my process bout gettin a job. Why cant she just let me be a kid??? I mean, just cause she had a baby at 15 and never got to be one, DONT BLAME THAT SH*T ON ME!!!!!! And OMG, I watched the show last night, and Teresa’s lookin a little cavewomenish, doncha think? tee hee hee! (OMG, Im like, so bad, you guyaz!!!!!) Anyways, I gotta go text Chris… I SO need a car out here. MUAH!
classy drunk on RHONJ: @NWMTV, how do you speak teenage girl so well?
Gypsy on RHOC: YOU GUYS DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO BE VICKI RIGHT NOW!
I can’t justify the energy it would take to type about Alexis.
Did anyone else think that it might be weird to drink champange in someone else’s bathroom? Bleech. Although, Heather did remind me I needed to pick up another can of Ellenet.
Brianna rules, Vicki drools.
Moving past the Slade issue, can someone, anyone, tell me wtf if going on with Gretchen’s mouth? I feel like she got fitted for the wrong pair of dentures or something.
no cars go on RHONJ: and now i hate myself for liking bon iver. fuck you ashlee!
Pat Ledoux on Eden’s World: OMG Penny D. I simply cannot read your recaps at the office. My boss: “What’s going on down there?”
Me: “Sorry, just reading the recap on Eden’s World, a little bit too funny to not laugh like a hyena at my desk.”
My boss: ” A re what?” Shut up schmuck, I’m still laughing!!! Seriously, did Cutabitch get a hairdresser certificate on line? At the mall? WTF??? If she EVER did my do in any of the styles I have seen on EW, I would have to take her scissors and stcik them where the sun don’t shine. Mickie, I mean Spharkle have another drink on me, this train wreck is so bad I just can’t stop watching!!!
crankyguy on Celebrity Apprentice: Well, gay except being so happy that Aubrey was rubbing her vag all over the back of his neck when she climbed on his shoulders trying to take that photo across the East River.
Gypsy on RHONJ: I puked a little in my mouth. She’s like an STD that won’t go away. (Harsh, I know!)
showshoecat on Eden’s World: My iPad hates me. It let’s me believe i haven’t sent a comment, so I add to it, and guess what.
LisaVille on Game of Thrones: I’ve gotta say that I’m really going to miss the Spice King. He reminded me of King Herod in Jesus Christ Superstar. I became distracted every time he was on screen because I expected him to break out in song and dance in front of Daenerys. GOT: The Musical, anyone?
“So, you are the queen, the Targaryen queen! Show me the babies; set something on fire! You can do it if you desire! If you do that for me, then I know you’re not naggin”, come on Mother of Dragons!”
kthxbai on My Big fat Gypsy American Wedding: @Pollyanna Congypsylations!
This show is the most unprecedented milestone in trashy reality show history!
I’m so excited!
Have you picked out what to wear for your 1st recap yet?
snowshoecat on Celebrity Apprentice: Wait…wait…Aubrey’s red hair ISN’T real?
mere2142 on Sister Wives: I am so intrigued by this show mainly because I can’t figure out how this lazy, unattractive douchebag got one woman to agree to marry him much less four!!!
kczar on Celebrity Apprentice: I don’t watch any of the Apprentice shows, because Trump gives me instant explosive diarrhea. But you’re recap was very good. And I was happy to see that Chris March and his own apprentice apparently had a cameo as well.
At least you got some chores done while suffering through this. Get some rest and bleach your brain a few times. You’ll be fine.
classy drunk on Happy Birthday Real World: Ughhhhhh dayum you Eric Neis now I have go find clips of The Grind. Not sure why I wanted to be on that show so bad, but I really did. I still fault my parents for not having me about 7 years earlier. I would have thrived being a college student in the early 90s.
notwithoutmytv on Celebrity Apprentice: I’ll donate to the cause of getting Clay off the guyliner. (He’s no Jack Sparrow, ya know?)
katy on Celebrity Apprentice: Yes, Clay was scarewwwed, but I think it’s best. I don’t want him connected to the orange, homophobic, racist, birther, wannabe politician. Clay is talented, intelligent, hard worker & well liked. Think we’ll be hearing more from him.
Jimbob Jones on Dog the Bounty Hunter: My first thought when I saw this was “I think the hacker came back and is posting old news”… until I realized it was actually still on.
Annie on RHOC: Brianna’s verbal smackdown of Vicki was great. She deserves to be told “I KNOW YOU AND BROOKS HAD A THING GOING ON WAY BEFORE THE DIVORCE!!” because Vicki is so full of shit, she needs to be called out on it. In capitol letters.
Philo on If You’re Bobbie Kristina, Chances are People Will Recognize You: “… but why the hell do celebrities think they can get away with murder? ”
Oct 3, 1995:
O.J. Simpson acquitted
kczar on Parent of the Week: Caroline will probably get complications from her lap band and have it taken out. Then she’ll gain all her weight back and will look like Christopher in a dress.
Iona Trailer on Parent of the Week: Critter-fur looks like his dad but how can they not see how fat he’s getting. Albie isn’t as thin as he was either. I guess Big Gay Greg like a little cushion for the pushin.
Maryedith on My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding: When these Romany ladies start entering their little girls in pageants my tv life will finally be replete with joy.
saggitariuskim on Toddlers and Tiaras: I don’t see Traven as a future abuser. I see him as a future teenage baby daddy to multiple girls
skychickie on Tonight’s Top Ten Shows: On the fly is all about Southwest, again…. Sigh. Dear TLC we’re not dumb, you can’t trick us into thinking this is a new show….I’m totally still watching tho.
DaisyHurts on Celebrity Apprentice: I wonder what Aubrey will do with her new-found notoriety? If Omarosa could parlay her stint as the Queen Bitch of Apprentice into a career lasting several years, we probably haven’t seen the last of the stripper-pole licking horror show that is Aubrey, either.
I can see her sliding down the skank ladder from Playboy to Hustler before finally fading into pop culture history.
sarcasatire on Tonight’s Top Ten Shows: A water bottle that unscrews at both ends? I hope they have a patent! lol
sheesh on RHOC: Oh and Vicki’s face is looking worse and worse is because not only does she have acne, but she is picking at the acne. pimples don’t like to be picked at. They will have their vengance.
shantigal on Redub Spoof: I am soooo tardy for the party. Flipit thanks for restoring my productivity level back to below average, where it was before the site crash.
AmyOops on The Bachelorette: Oh, hell. I haven’t watched a season of this shit since Trista (?) and Ryan. SO I picked this one (slow TV month), and everyone seems to think it’s gonna be uber-boring-kill-us-all-now. Greeeeat.
I’m not even finished watching the second ep, and if @itchy (poor itchy, no boobies for you) is correct about the “born again” shit and this show will become Bible Thumper Love Match, I’m OUT.
BedHeadJen on Toddlers and Tiaras: Yeah Kimmy, but somebody’s gotta make that money. Flippers and pimp cups don’t grow on trees;)
crankyguy on Food Network Star: What is the matter with you people? Rock ‘n Roll douche is the PERFECT Next Food Network Star. He’s the closest thing in this bunch to Guy Fieri, so what more do you want?
whoochile on Toddlers and Tiaras: this kid freaked me the F out.
cyntv on ANTM: And can somebody PLEASE tell me why the hell a model would want a recording contract? Do they award a modeling contract on American Idol?
StageMom on SYTYCD: I will be having happy dreams about the Aussie Ballet Boy.
Chicken Lips on Elvis Presley’s Crypt to be Auctioned Off: Well, when someone buys it, we’ll have another trivia question to replace “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?”
cherrylipgloss on Anthony Bourdain is Going to CNN: That man consumed his fair share of illegal substances in his day….
notwithoutmytv on Tonight’s Top Ten Shows: I bet some hillbilly Walmart mom paints her kid yellow for the luau pageant… because she believes that Hawaiians are oriental, and thus, yellow.
Great job guys!! xoxo