There’s a great new commercial on television these days. It features the always lovable Jerome Bettis talking about asthma. Now, I know that doesn’t sound very enticing, but trust me, it’s amazing. It’s the sort of non-ironic commercial spot I didn’t think companies made anymore. I’ll take you through it step by step, and I’ll also keep the dialogue completely intact. None of these clever, fake TVgasm quotes. Just sit back and enjoy this very special commercial.
Here’s Johnny. Can’t be sure if that’s his real name, but seriously. Look at him. He’s a Johnny. Poor Johnny just wants to play football. Maybe someday, he can be like his idol, Jerome Bettis (note the Jerome Bettis jersey). But wait, Johnny has a look of sadness to him. Something is wrong with Johnny. Something is keeping him from his dream.
Suddenly, Johnny hunches over and gasps for breath as the gloomy specter of asthma raises its ugly head. Looks like Johnny won’t be playing ball with the rest of the kids today. So long dreams. So long aspirations. So long life.
Time for Johnny to start a crippling drug habit. This life has no use for asthmatic losers like him.
As Johnny walks off the field and away from his dreams, a gravelly voice calls out to him. “Hey, Bus!”
“I’m not the Bus. I can’t even catch my breath,” Johnny replies, not bothering to see who’s talking. Look up, Johnny! Look up!
“You have asthma, don’t you?” asks the mysterious man off-camera. Clearly he is a wise sage, learned in the fine arts of asthma divination. And yet, Johnny still doesn’t look up.
“How do you know?” Johnny answers, full of sass. No one knows his pain. But then suddenly…
“I’m a football player with asthma. Like you.” HOLY SHIT!! JEROME BETTIS IS RIGHT THERE!!! JOHNNY’S IDOL!!!
Jerome then tells Johnny all about Asthmacontrol.com. Blah blah blah…
Johnny has a look of inspiration in his eye. He suddenly glances down at his trusty Bettis jersey. Wait, what’s he gonna do? Something symbolic??
In a stunning turn of events, Johnny takes off his jersey. “Hey Bettis,” he says, tossing the revered garment at the football legend.
“Wow! Thanks, kid!” Jerome replies. What an amazing moment. I’ve never seen someone so excited to receive a dirty replica of something they already owned.
“Thank you, Bus. For everything,” Johnny says, walking away. You see, they each gave each other something valuable. But Johnny, how could you not hit him up for an autograph. No one’s ever gonna believe that you just happened to meet Jerome Bettis on your way home. Loser.
Of course, I can only do so much justice to this fine ad. Maybe you should just watch it for yourself: