Confessions of a Teen Idol: The Facts of Life

Welcome back Gasmii. We have an awesome show for you tonight. We return to the old Real World house to visit with our 7 former idols and see how they’ve been spending their time. But I’m not loving this show title so here’s an alternate.

Works for me.

After one week in the house, how are they feeling? Will we be subjected to more puns? Vanity that would make a beauty queen blush ? Self-affirming bonding just like those seminars where they get men to cry, hug and get in touch with their feminine side? All this and more in this week’s installment of Humiliation and Torture- The Series. How’s that for a title?

So get your favorite beverage and lets get started. As they say, drink ‘em if you got ‘em

A call sheet is sent via fax to our unsuspecting teen idols. They are going to be the subject of a focus group. They have one hour to get ready. We all watched what happened the last time these guys ventured out into the world together didn’t we?

Can someone tell me why these guys look so happy? Didn’t they learn anything last week? Last week’s VIP party with a limo turned out to be a big empty club. So they get another call sheet and what do they do???? They get all happy and excited.

Call me crazy but if the last time I got a call sheet it resulted in a major let down and a big lesson in humiliation, I wouldn’t be all happy and smiles regarding an upcoming meeting. Come on you guys, even Pavlov’s dogs could figure this out.

So the limo is gone, we see our lucky 7 get into a white van with tinted windows. I guess VH1 is trying to save money on this show. So the guys arrive and see the water bottles and tables all set up and they get to go behind the big mirror. Jason Hervey tells them that this is their target fan group. These are the people who they want to be their fans, so they need to get these women to like them.

About 12-15 women file into the room. They do not know the guys are right there listening behind the glass.

The boys are looking at the same film clips that the focus group sees. Then the moderator will ask the group questions.

First up, Billy. He worked with focus groups in the past, and basically doesn’t think this will be a bad thing. Anytime someone on a reality show says they are not concerned, they should be concerned.

My name is not Natalie!

Only a couple of the women know who he is, they correctly identify him as the guy from Fame. They ask the women what they think he does now and one thinks he could probably be a dancer on Broadway. Yes, that would be nice but he’s not on Broadway.

So they show a clip of him now and when it is done they comment.

First, they think he is too big to be sexy. At least she didn’t come right out and call him fat. Another woman thought his hair looks like a chia pet on his head Billy is not happy and thinks he is being attacked. That’s true, so why were you so excited when you heard you were going to a focus group????

Next up is Jamie the guy from 90210 and he sang that “How do you talk to an Angel?” song. I hate to say this, but I just don’t get this guy. He never looks any different. He never really has anything to say other than he is satisfied with his life. I’m really not sure why he is in the house with the rest of the guys. Unless of course, VH1 wanted a fireman there just in case.

I’m Jamie, the guy who sang that song.

Only one person recognizes him as the guy that sang that horrible song (her description, not mine). They think he could be a sidekick for a Mafia character. They also think he looks like he is on a prison TV show. Jamie’s not feeling the love I think he’s lucky they didn’t remember more about him.

Next up our favorite pooh bear Eric. They all recognized him as the guy from Real World 1 and they remember him on The Grind. And then they see a clip of the big pooh as he is today and if Jamie and Billy thought they had it bad, at least they aren’t Eric.

I’m wearing shades so I won’t get mobbed by my peeps.

One lady wants to know why a 45 year old man is on a skateboard. The group thinks he looks corny and dirty. A “Teen Middle Age Loser” says one person and they all think he is corny and and needs a razor, laser and tweezers. Sounds like a job for Nads.

Eric no longer likes focus groups and he wants to go back to the house. He said he feels like they totally disrespectful clown on my life”. I swear that’s word for word.

Let me just stop here and say it is very hard to quote Eric because he went to the George W School of Grammar. It takes two or three times to get what he said and longer than that to figure out what he really means.

I teach regular folks to speak real good, heh, heh.

Next up is Adrian. They all remember him and they think that the current tape shows that he is still really cute. They guess he is probably divorced and that he looks good even though he is pushing 60. Close ladies, but Adrian is only 53.

Chris is next and he looks really nervous, fear not Chris they like you. Everyone remembers him, his name and “The Blue Lagoon”. When they see the new interview, they all think he is still really cute and should be a leading man. They also think he looks like Robert Redford. This is not making Billy, Eric or Jamie very happy. I wonder how long it will be before someone bitch slaps Chris?

They like me, they really life me.

Next up David the Baywatch guy. No one knows his name but they remember him. After seeing the current interview, they think he is cute but has nothing going on. No interest or personality. He is just eye candy and has no talent. David has just joined the not happy group. But wait, David don’t feel so bad, at least you’re not Jeremy.

Jeremy is last. They don’t say why, but I think even VH1 must see that Jeremy makes the worst impression overall. When they see old footage of him they think he was just mediocre and when he sang they said he did not have a good voice. Jeremy says “I was only 12!!”

Then they ask the group what he is doing now and one of them says he is probably on reality TV. Good call honey although she was probably thinking “Cops” or “America’s Most Wanted“.

How can anyone not love me??

Then they see the current interview and this is where it gets ugly. They think his hair is awful, he could easily play a convincing drug addict rapist and that he seems really desperate. They also think he still wants to be a teen idol. A picture speaks a thousand words and Jeremy’s video says only four, drug addict, rapist and desperate.

Too much eyeliner?

When they ask the group which of the men has the best chance to take his career to the next level they unanimously elect Chris. Chris takes this as a sign that he needs to step up and get back in the game. He wants to be a leading man again. That bitch slap thing has to be on it’s way.

Billy is angry. Saying my hair is too short and that I’m fat is just hurtful. He thinks the focus group is shallow and that he and the others should not be judged by their looks.

Seriously???? What kind of entertainer is not judged by his looks? the Pope maybe???

Billy doesn’t like being the “fat guy” on the show. He’s the Natalie on Facts of Life and he doesn’t want to be her, he wants to be Blair. Sorry Billy, but until you lose your chia pet hair and the extra weight, you’re Natalie.

Anyway, next up our boys go see Dr. Cooper who for some reason is wearing the world’s largest lotus flower on her chest. I wonder if she has a secret microphone in it.

Speak slowly into my mic, I mean flower.

Eric is sitting cross-legged on a chair and looks a lot calmer than he did last time. I guess after they called Jeremy a drug addicted rapist, Eric isn’t so upset about needing a shave and a bath.

Adrian is taking the focus groups stuff pretty well. He wants to prove that looks are only part of the success of an entertainer. David is having a harder time since hearing that he is a no-talent-eye-candy guy. He feels that it was their instinct to say negative things. It’s ok Adrian, we all love you and remember, at least you’re not Billy.

Dr. Cooper tries to say that how other’s perceive them is part of this process needed to regain their fame. But instead of just saying that she does a lot of head nodding and double-talk. I wonder if she gets paid per head nod.

Jeremy says he caught the worst of it. The focus group said he looked like a drug addict. True, but at least you’re not Natalie. You can get a hair cut.

Dr. Cooper tells them that if they want their fame back, the audience has all of the power and they need to make changes if they want to be perceived differently. So to help our boys out, they are getting an “A-list stylist” to take them shopping and some will go to a spa and others will go to get their hair cut.

Part 2 of the show is the stylist Jen critiquing their style. Stylist Jen is wearing a green puffy shirt and dark slacks. She looks like Laraine Newman to me. Funny all the women on this show look like Laraine Newman to me.

I‘m Jen the stylist. Let me insult you.

Jeremy is on the chopping block right away. I bet he thinks if he goes first he won’t get beat up again. Jen thinks his hair is “Fabioesque”. I think she was just being nice. She thinks he needs to revamp his style. Jeremy says he dressed this way on purpose to get that feedback. Sorry Jeremy, I don’t think you’re that smart.

I wanted you to call me a loser. It’s getting addictive.

David learns his outfit is boring and plain. If he had better style, he might get some pictures in a magazine and that would help his career.

I’m a serious, talented actor. How can you call me eye candy?

Jen doesn’t like Adrian’s shirt, it has raw edged seams and his jeans are too light and too short and square toed shoes are out. Adrian is taking it like a pro, he didn’t cry or stomp his feet. Good work. Puffy shirt girl is going to have to work harder to make this guy cry.

Chris, is also wearing clothes that are dated and his coat is way too big for him. Jen asks Chris if he has had microdermabrasion and Chris says yes “with a belt sander”. Bravo Chris, now you’re getting it. It’s not about helping you, it’s about humiliating you.

Jamie is wearing a dark plaid flannel shirt and jeans and says he doesn’t want to live in the public eye. Jen tells Jamie that his image is his “instrument” and that he needs to suck it up. Please, please , no puns this week or my head will explode. Besides, it doesn’t really matter what this guy wears, no one is going to recognize him. Personally, I think he looks like he just got out of prison.

Jen turns her attention to Eric, She wants to know what’s up with the facial thing. I think she means his beard. She asks him where he would go dressed in baggy linen pajama bottoms and a hemp t-shirt. He says he would go to a meeting dressed like this. It’s all about what he is inside that counts, not his clothes.

Jen tells Eric “you’re delusional”. She tells them if he wants to be taken seriously by the health industry, he needs to change his image. But Eric assures Jen, that his girlfriend loves this look to death. Yes, she loves you to death Eric. That’s why she dropped off you and all your stuff for “Teen Idol Camp”. It’s because she just loves your aging hippy, reality-star, natural health giant poop, skateboarding self.

Jen takes a look at Billy and says “oh brother” Jen says his look is dated, jeans are too light and his jacket is for someone in his 20′s not someone his age. So fatty, you’re not just fat, you’re old too. Billy says he is happy with his looks, so there mean skinny girl.

Jen wants to know why they are on this show if they are all happy with their looks? She hasn’t read her reality show handbook yet. She is supposed to critique them severely no matter how they look. Tear down their self esteem until one or all of them cry and get drunk,start a fight and possibly end up in jail.

Jeremy has an unusual thought during this exchange. He says he thinks Jen is talking about more than just their wardrobe, she is talking about their attitudes and their resistance to change. This is surprisingly good insight from our little drug addict rapist.

So up next, the boys get to go shopping together.

When they get to Lisa Klein for Men, David C. makes a really weird comment. He said “We gotta get this changed. I don’t wanna hear this wicked witch stylist come up my ass again”. Ummmm, I thought Jeremy was the one who was in jail or are you trying to tell us something David? What exactly goes on behind that big black door?

Seriously afraid of the stylist, puffy shirt Jen.

Adrian picks out a nice dark suit, Jeremy ok’s David’s outfit. Jamie is unwilling to try anything on, he just stands in one spot and pouts. Chris is looking for something that girls will want to rip off of him. Trust me Chris, you don’t need to shop for that, you’ve already got it.

Almost all of our boys are having fun looking for new clothes. It’s just like my favorite scene in “The Devil Wears Prada” where you see all the pretty perfect women who never eat get ready for work.. Don’t they all look cute. All of the men but one.

The giant poop says he is taking a snack break. He says he is having a hard time because a lot of the stuff they have in that store is trendy. He doesn’t like trendy. He doesn’t like stripes, no logos, and then the giant poop says “why do I need underwear?” Anyone who’s name is giant poop should wear underwear. Maybe more than one pair.

I wonder if all my poop would fit in here.

So there is Eric standing in the store without a shirt on and feeling lost. Somewhere in the distance you can almost hear the song “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…” I personally think he just wanted a lot more attention from the salesperson and of course, more camera time. Instead, Chris steps in and helps him choose a really nice sweater and dark pants. And just like magic, the giant poop rises off of Eric for just a minute and he is starting to look normal.

Look at how I can dance in my new duds.

Next up is the spa. Adrian has a facial and says it feels really good. I have to say it looks wonderful. I would get a facial myself, but a coworker of mine got one and sprained her ankle. Seriously and she wasn’t drunk.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and wise.

Chris also has a facial. When Chris is done, David says he looks radiant. I agree, he’s practically on fire from my perspective. I just hope he ducks when one of the other boys takes a swing at him.

So what has happened to Eric? He is getting his hair cut when he tells the girl washing his hair that he doesn’t use shampoo very often. WTF?? Well that explains why the focus group thought he looked dirty. Geez, what is he 5 years old? Someone buy that guy some “No More Tears” shampoo.

Billy is also getting his hair cut. I’m a little surprised, I thought it was a bad toupee. He said he is nervous because he thinks his hair is cool and that if he doesn’t like it, he’ll be bitter. I’m starting to think these are a bunch of first graders who don’t like being told what to do. He’ll be bitter, why won’t it grow back? Don’t worry Billy, you can always buy another one.

Eric is shaved, his hair has been trimmed, and he looks a little cleaner. Eric is watching Jeremy’s hair cut. Jeremy is also really nervous. You would think he would appreciate anything that would make him look like less of a drug addict. Eric tells Jeremy “I’m seeing who you really are. I like what I’m seeing.” Cue the violin music.

When they leave the salon/spa, Jeremy lets out a scream. A long, loud scream. And all the guys are just smiling and nodding their heads like that is perfectly normal.

When the guys get home, Jen tells them to go put on their new clothes and show her what they got. Just like a group of girls trying on their new school clothes. They have a fashion parade. Billy can’t join in the parade, he got sick shopping. They show him snoring in bed. How does someone get sick shopping? What did he buy, salmonella?

First up is David, Jen loves it. Adrian? He’s now hip. Chris looks great. Jeremy is next, she says she could just keel over from his hair. Aren’t you guys dying from Jeremy’s hair??? Jeremy according to Jen has gone from porn star to pop star.

Where is Natalie? I want him to look at Jeremy’s hair.

Jen also loves Jamie’s look and she can’t believe Eric is wearing pants. I’m relieved he’s wearing pants. If Eric is ever not wearing pants, I’ll be changing the channel.

Jen says they will all be getting new publicity shots. New head shots, is the next step on their way to reclaiming their lives. All of the guys are happy and looking forward to the next step, or beat down however you want to look at it.

They show clips of the photo shoot and all of the guys look good. I did notice that Billy/Natalie’s picture just doesn’t look that different. And of course, Jamie’s picture looks like all of the rest of Jamie’s pictures, anonymous.

Poor Jeremy, David and Billy. I know you’ve all had a bad week. Especially our little fat guy Billy. Look on the bright side, at least you’re not on “Tool Academy”.

The credits roll as Vh1 puts all of our little men back in their Real Word House until next week when we will take them out and humiliate them again.

Until next time Gasmii!