Confessions of a Teen Idol: “Urinetown”

Welcome to week 4 of “Confessions of a Teen Idol”. This show is like an Irish funeral, some of the people are sad, everyone needs a stiff drink and sooner or later someone will pee. I’ve titled this episode “Urinetown”.

This show has more pee in it than a port-a-potty at a Green Bay Packer game.

This week we have an episode with not one but two call sheets and two tasks. This means our idols will have two chances to make fools of themselves instead of just one and probably two beat downs if they don’t perform their tasks with enthusiam.
This week we delve into the murky depths of Eric (The Big Pooh) Nies. Aren’t we all scared to see what falls out? or should I say, dribbles out?

Eric is taking a shower and he calls to Jeremy and offers to let him in on one of his health secrets. Eric says “remember when you asked why my hair is so shiny?” Jeremy nods. Then Eric holds up a glass of something. Could it be? Is it a beer? No, it’s not beer but it is yellow. Oh no. It’s not.

Yes, it’s Eric’s pee.

I really wish I hadn’t been eating dinner while writing this recap. Eric shows Jeremy a glass of his urine and pours it over his head. That’s why his hair is so shiny. He pours pee on his hair and leaves it for 3-4 hours then rinses it out.

Bottoms up Eric!! Good for you!!! Now we know that there is nothing you won’t do for fame.

He says that in ancient times people used urine therapy to cure a variety of ailments. Some even drank their own pee. Eric says he has more secrets but they are not for everybody. Jeremy asks him if the other secrets have to do with poop, he says no. Thank heaven for small favors eh Jeremy?

I can’t believe I looked this up, but I did and Eric is correct. Urine can also be used to whiten teeth. I’ll just stick with Crest if you don’t mind.

You know there were a lot of things that people did in the past to cure ailments. And there is a reason that we don’t do them anymore. I’m just saying that perhaps urine therapy has run its course. Maybe it’s usefulness has petered out. OK, OK, I’ll stop. Besides urine therapy is probably just a trickle of what it was in the past.

All I could think about was that person that did his hair when they had the makeover. When Eric said he didn’t use shampoo very often, it never occurred to me that he replaced his shampoo with urine.

What would you say to someone who poured his pee on his head? Something along the lines of “Dude, I don’t want to borrow your hat, ever.”

So back to Earth, David is back on his laptop and decides to Google all seven of the idols. He starts with Jeremy since he’s the youngest.

All of a sudden, David asks Jeremy, “Do you have a sex tape? Don’t you know everyone will see it?” Jeremy knows that everyone will see it, that is the idea David.

Most celebrities know that if they make a sex tape, sooner or later someone will see it. With any kind of luck, everyone will see it.

Jeremy explains he wasn’t going to sell it, but that he thought he would watch it and maybe he would show it to some of his friends. He could have The Hoff over for dinner and a movie some night.

How drunk do you have to be to share your sex tapes with your friends?

Then Jeremy asks the guys if they have “My Space” pages. I think he did this to get the guys off the sex tape subject. Adrian says no and he doesn’t want one. So Jeremy invites Adrian to look at his My Space page.

He tells Adrian you need a web presence to stay relevant. He said his page has over 1,000,000 views. That’s pretty impressive. I bet if you switch to urine shampoo, you’ll really get popular.

Next our idols get a call sheet. It says they are going to Robertson Blvd and 3rd street. Jason joins the idols on a roof overlooking Robertson Blvd. This is where all the paparazzi hang out, it’s known as “Paparazzi Alley”. The paps take pictures of the stars and sell the pictures to magazines like People and US.

Those pictures keep the stars current and it’s through this kind of publicity that they could get more attention from producers. It might lead to more opportunities.

The assignment this week is to have each of the idols walk down the street and do something to get noticed and to get photographed. Jason also tells them to make it buzz worthy so the picture can be sold and generate interest.

Adrian said that when he heard Jason say this, he felt like someone stabbed him in the stomach. He clearly doesn’t want to do this.

Last week Adrian figured out that these call sheets are followed by humiliation and torture and then a beat down by Dr. Cooper. There is no way out of this one Adrian. So he steps back to watch the others run the gauntlet.

First up is Jeremy. He is looking pretty pumped up. Of course he is pumped up, this guy has a sex tape. He’s not exactly shy and he loves the press. It doesn’t take long before Jeremy is surrounded by paparazzi.

They ask him a lot of questions like what if he relapses and goes back on meth. He tries to ignore the drug and sex tape questions and says he has a lot of new work going on and tells them to check out his “MySpace” page.

Good work Jeremy, you have no problem begging for attention.

David is up next. He walks right up to the paparazzi and says take a picture of me. That takes the guess work out of this part of the competition. Just as he is doing this, a fan recognizes him and asks him to pose with her for a picture. Perfect timing. The girl saw him on TV and recognized him. So David has also succeeded. He poses and then walks away.

Next, Jamie walks down the street. He is not very happy about doing this. The paparazzi recognize him and one of the photogs asks him if he has any contact with Tori Spelling. I don’t know if he answered any of the questions.

Jamie said that this experience with the paparazzi reminded him of why he quit show business.

Next it’s Billy’s turn to walk down the street. He is recognized right away. He signs some autographs. He kind of liked the experience. He tells the paps, don’t photo my ass when I walk away. Did you notice Natalie’s new and improved self-esteem? Isn’t she great? I love her, I mean him.

Eric is next out of the shoot. Eric is dressed in a tank top and baggy white linen pants with a bandanna on his head. He also has a sign made out of cardboard.

Between the way he is dressed and the cardboard sign that says “Help” in big letters, he looks homeless, dirty and hungry. Now that’s what I call acting.

When we get close to the sign we realize he is asking for donations to feed hungry children around the world.

Then Eric sits down on the sidewalk surrounded by paps. He pulls out a machete and hacks a coconut open, drinks from it and passes around chunks of coconut for the paps and asks them for donations.

Then Eric posed with a baby and I have to admit, his hair is shiny.

Finally Adrian takes his turn. He has been waiting and trying to figure out what to do to attract attention. Basically what they want him to do is a publicity stunt. But Adrian decides, he is just going to walk down the street and whistle. If he is noticed fine, if not that’s fine too.

Adrian says that for the first time, he doesn’t think he should be on this show. And he also realizes, that without a picture, Dr. Cooper Lawrence will hurt him!!!

But it’s too late for pictures so Adrian is defeated and must return to the house, without completing this task.

The idols all pile back into the bus for the ride back to the house. Jeremy was not happy about all the negative comments from the paps. It seemed like they only wanted to know about drugs and the sex tape. David says he is worried about Jeremy’s ability to handle negative feedback.

Adrian, goes over to visit a friend Marissa Winokur. She is a great actress. She won a “Tony” for playing “Tracey Turnblad” in “Hairspray” on Broadway.

Marissa tells Adrian that she wanted him on this show because she knows he could do more in the business if he gets more exposure. She tells him that he needs to get recognition by the press. But she understands why he is so uncomfortable. Marissa encourages him to try and stick it out.

Back at the house, David and Jeremy are looking at Eric’s hair and reading about urine therapy on the web. According to the info they find online, drinking urine is healthy for people. It can also benefit your hair and skin if you put it on and leave it on for several hours.

Eric says he uses urine because he wants to think outside the box. Eric says we are all like sheep and we should use our heads to decide what works for us. We should not stay inside the box.

If being outside the box involves any urine or poop, I’m staying in the box where it’s safe.

Another call sheet. Adrian runs for cover. For some reason none of the other guys follow him.

It’s ok Adrian, just save yourself!! The poor dumb bastards can’t seem to figure out that they need to duck when the fax machine starts spitting out paper. Run Adrian, run!!

This time it’s a meeting behind the big black doors and that means it’s another beat down from Dr. Cooper. This week Cooper is wearing a gold satin dress. It’s kind of cute

Dr. Cooper’s dress is almost the same color as the urine that comes from Pooh. I guess that will come in handy if the Pooh spills some of his urine on her.

She says before they get started, she wants them to watch the interviews they filmed with the paparazzi after they all walked down Robertson Blvd. The guys all looked shocked, but watched the show and no one got too upset.

One camera guy said that mostly he saw a C-List crowd. And that he had not seen most of them for a long time. Another photog said you could tell that Jeremy appreciates what pictures can do to help your career.

Another photog says the pictures of Eric might make some money because he looks homeless. But the rest of the guys, no. He also said that they didn’t know who Adrian was and Billy was a little desperate.

EXCUSE ME, why is Billy the labeled the desperate one? David walked right up to the paps and said “take my picture”. I think it’s a tie.

The idols also find out that pictures of four of the guys were sold to US magazine. The winners are Jeremy, Billy, David and Eric. US bought all four but will probably only use the one of Eric.

This is really bad for Jamie. Adrian was not noticed and not photographed. But they took Jamie’s picture. They just didn’t want to buy Jamie’s picture. Sorry Jamie.

Back to therapy. Adrian tells Dr. Cooper he hated going out in public like that and trying to get noticed.

Then Adrian does the manly thing and braces himself for the first smack upside his head from the lovely woman in the gold dress.

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Jamie says he agrees with Adrian, he did not feel comfortable going out looking for paps. He said the whole experience reminded him of just why he left the business.

Eric says that he understands that she wants them to get the most out of fame. And he says it’s cool to use the paps to make your charity work more visible. He can help more people this way.

Jeremy tells them that instead of all of the stuff you would never do, what about focusing on the stuff you would do to get fame? Way to be a “glass half full” kind of guy Jeremy. Jeremy is a gold star student.

The first beat down is done and all of our guys are still fine. So back through the big black doors into their sanctuary.

Adrian felt battered after “therapy” and went to talk with Chachi in person. Adrian tells Chachi that he doesn’t know if he should be in the group anymore. Chachi says he understands. He tells Adrian that the business has changed but that he wants him to stay. Adrian relents and decides to stay.

Jason appears again and tells the idols that Coconut (Eric), made US magazine.

Jason calls Eric “Coconut” It’s a good thing he wasn’t present during the urine therapy session with Jeremy.

Jason has another task for our idols. He tells the idols that their next task is to entertain some underprivileged kids. They have 24 hours to put a show together.

All the guys are happy about this. Adrian says he sees this as a gift. This will remind him why he wanted to be in show business in the first place. He says just the thought of entertaining kids has pushed all of the bad vibes away. Good for you Adrian, you’re a giver-nurturer and it shows.

This scene reminded me of a lot of old movies from the 30′s and 40′s. They usually start with “hey kids, let’s put on a show!!” and the next thing you know there are 20 chorus dancers, a full orchestra and matching costumes all put together to save some poor hard luck sap who turns out to be a millionaire. Then he gives all his money to the kids that were really in need.

Jamie calls and invites his wife and four kids to come over and see the show. His kids are just beautiful and it looks like they all love him a lot. I think he misses them much more than he ever reveals on the show. Keep them to yourself Jamie, they deserve your protection.

During this segment, there was a commercial break not to be missed, it was an Aussie shampoo commercial starring our very own Natalie/Billy!!

It was really cute, and if I am ever in need of more goop for my hair, I’m buying Aussie, even though my pee is free.

So the idols get ready for the show. They decided to do a variety show. David is dressing up like an dance club kid. Jeremy thinks David looks great. Of course he does, Jeremy thinks it is still 1990. Wake up Jeremy, you are a grown man and the 90′s are long gone.

“David you look fantastic, can I borrow that sometime?”

Gasmii, is it just me or do you think it’s weird that they just walk into the bathroom when somone is taking a shower? Is that normal these days? Is this a guy thing?

Maybe it’s me, but I never did that to my roommates and thank God no one did it to me either. I don’t even walk into the bathroom when my husband is taking his shower.

Back to the show, a bunch of cute kids arrive and are taken to a theater that is in the studio somewhere.

The show starts. Billy is the MC (master of ceremonies). He is funny and gets the kids laughing especially when he introduces Mr. Hye Eena (Adrian). Adrian does this maniacal laugh like Frank Gorshin when he played the Riddler on the old Batman TV show.

Then Eric (Mr. Energy ) shows the kids what you put in your body makes a difference. He does an experiment that shows that soda doesn’t conduct enough electrical current to light a bulb but juice does and his special health drink works best.

Thank God he didn’t pee in a cup and pour it on his head or drink it. That could scar a kid for life!

Next up, Jeremy came out in a hooded sweatshirt, with shades on and big pants. He performed a rap. An original rap that he wrote promoting drug free kids. It was pretty good and the kids really got into it.

Then Mr. Hye Eena came back out and coughed and fell down. So Billy asked the kids what they should do if someone is hurt. The kids shout “call 911″ and out bursts Jamie dressed in his fireman gear.

Jamie gets down on the floor and revives Mr. Hye Eena (Adrian) saving his life.

Then Jamie got out his guitar and sang “How Do You Talk to An Angel”. The other idols held up signs with the lyrics written on them so the kids could sing along. All the kids sang and danced and waved their arms. This was a fun show.

OK, OK on a personal note, I’m sorry I called Jamie “famously anonymous”. In fact, I’m really sorry. Since watching this episode, I can’t get that f-ing song out of my head! I guess I deserve it. It’s karma.

The episode was really cute and I think the idols achieved the goal of remembering why they got into this business. It might not have the drama of some of the other reality shows, but at least they kept me interested. That pee stuff is gross, but at least it’s interesting.

The biggest news of all is that our little show was mentioned on “Chelsea Lately” Wednesday night!!!

That is major!!! You can’t buy this publicity. I just knew Scott’s appearance on Chelsea’s show last week would help and it did!!

Chelsea Handler was doing her monologue about Scott Baio and how hot he is and how he has this show “Confessions of a Teen Idol” She talked about this episode and that Eric Nies is a bit of a health food guy.

Then she showed some stills of Eric in the shower and she shows him pouring pee on his head.

Chelsea said “no wonder he can’t get a job, his hair smells like pee”.

Then she showed an after picture and said his hair looks like shit. It did look like shit, but WHOOO HOOO, the show was mentioned on “Chelsea Lately”!!!!

Great going Eric!! Do whatever is necessary to create that buzz. Just don’t confuse show business buzz to the buzz of the flies gathered around your pee hair.

Until next week Gasmii……hugs. And NO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR SEX TAPES!!!

TVannie