Couples Therapy Minicap: Child Molesters, Alcoholics and Famewhores

Recaps

By eyediosmio | Thursday, October 11, 2012 | 4:04 pm | 28 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Couples Therapy, MiniCaps, Recaps

Hello there Gasmii! I’m a longtime fan of this website, and I am just beside myself with excitement over being asked to recap this season 2 of Couples’ Therapy, or as I like to call it, “Therapy?” In my real life, I judge not lest ye be judged. However, this isn’t real life, this is the internet, so I shall judge away. Welcome to my Courtroom, Judge Eyediosmio presiding. Let’s bang some gavels my friends. The first episode is basically an introduction to our “couples,” who are all famewhores and disasters to varying degrees. They all have an addiction: alcohol, eyeliner, little girls, aviator sunglasses, tacky pants. Let’s see which is which, shall we?

Nik Richie and Shayne Lamas. She’s famous because her dad is Lorenzo Lamas and she won an episode of the Bachelor. He’s famous because he runs a gossip website. They’re both idiots because they married each other within eight hours of knowing each other.

Problem: They married each other within eight hours of knowing each other. Now they have “issues.” Yes, their issue is their marriage is a plot device for a bad romantic comedy. Now we know what REALLY happens after that airport reunion scene when she doesn’t get on the plane. A baby and lots of arguing.

Solution: Honestly, they really seem to need some sort of direction and problem solving skills, so hopefully they’ll get a little bit of that here. Which I doubt, since it’s VH1.

Alex McCord and Simon Van Kemp: They’re both former castmembers of the Real Housewives of New York. I have a confession to make Gasmii, I love the hell out of this weirdo couple. He was always wearing those brightly colored pants, she was always covered in hives and they were SO pretentious over absolutely NOTHING. I loved it. I found them to be pretty harmless and they never seemed to be mean or nasty (I’m looking at YOU Jill Zarin!). Anyhow, I am sad to see that now they are on this pathetic reality show ready to expose all the problems in what was always considered before to be a pretty successful relationship.

Problem: After all the “media scrutiny” caused extreme stress in their relationship they now fight all the time. So what better way to solve this problem then to expose all of our nasty fights to the rest of the world! Surely this won’t affect us negatively. Right Bethenny and Jason?

 Solution: Stop going on reality shows you idiots! Seriously. Just stay in with a glass of wine, and rent a damn movie. (By the way, while watching this show, hubby declared that Simon has the bloated craggy face of a serious alcoholic. Which if you read the internets, is a gossip item frequently.) Let’s see if later in the season he doesn’t escape on a bender with JoJo.

JoJo and Tiny: JoJo is a singer from the popular 90’s R&B groups Jodeci and KC and JoJo. JoJo has been slowly drinking himself to death since he met Tiny, his wife. He actually says in one of his interviews that when he proposed he was drunk, so what is she complaining about?

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eyediosmio

I'm a part time writer, full time wife and Doberman wrangler in steamy South Florida.  I try to keep my sanity by watching loads of reality tv so I can feel better about myself.  It's a lazy way to maintain my moral compass, but I'm too lazy to drive to church every Sunday. 

28 Comments

  1. 1
    Catherine
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    Omg so glad you’re recapping this show. Alex and Simon are the worst actors ever. I really feel like they’re faking problems just to stay on tv. It’s like when tareq salahi was trying to get Michelle on celebrity rehab without a drug problem!

  2. 2
    BelowSeaLevel BelowSeaLevel
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    Glad you’re recapping! Will try to watch and follow along. I’ve never watched the show. Do people get voted off, or are they on the whole time?

  3. 3
    Sugarbearly There
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    I am already obsessed with this mess. So glad you’re recapping! Last year all of the couples broke up, right? I’m actually pulling for some of these crazy kids. ~And by kids, I mean the grown-ups.

  4. 4
    Clair Clair
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 5:08 pm

    I don’t watch the show but I enjoyed reading the recap. Stodden is just… um… there are no words.

  5. 5
    michkabibbles
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 6:40 pm

    count me among those who are happy you are recapping this show. i saw a commercial with doug saying he felt like he was raising his wife, and i thought it was a problem they’d have to work through (although how can you when you marry a 16 year old?), but from what i’ve read he evidently is ok with that?

  6. 6
    considerthis
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 7:49 pm

    Yea – I too am hooked on this hot mess of a show.
    Courtney & Doug are like a 50 car blood spattered gut smeared heads rollin down the highway pile up and yet I can’t look away.

    I actually find Shayne palletable (no I am not drunk or on meds) in this show – I thought she was an unbearable cunt prior to this show. Still not sure what “the Dirty” is but it souns sleazy?

    Can proudly say that I have never watched an ep of ANY Real Housewives but that dude is GAAAY.

    Shouldn’t Mr. One Hit Wonder be on “celebrity rehab” as he needs to take care of himself before he can even deal with a relationship?

  7. 7
    fancyface
    Posted October 11, 2012 at 10:41 pm

    @Consider….”Shouldn’t Mr. One Hit Wonder be on “celebrity rehab” as he needs to take care of himself before he can even deal with a relationship?”

    Definitely agree with you about the rehab thing (he’s currently been sober for awhile now so here’s hoping it lasts) BUT the last thing you can call JoJo is a “one hit wonder” His career with Jodeci & later with his brother was/is VERY successful. They were THE number 1 group & have a number of hits & Grammys to back it up. Their love songs played an integral part in the baby boom years lol *sigh* Nothing like wasted talent.

  8. 8
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 5:33 am

    @ Catherine: You are so right! I remember that BS of the Salahis. The Salahis, Spencer and Heidi, Courtney and Doug, Alex and Simon – are all cut from the same famewhore cloth. Any attention at any expense, it’s gross.

    @BSL: They SHOULD vote people off this show! That would be wonderful. My first vote? Warren Jeffs and his child bride.

    @Sugarbearly: I am not even sure who was ON last season. The only parts I watched were covered by The Soup. But having seen how this “therapy” progresses, I’d imagine they would have all broken up by now.

    @mitchkabibbles: My friend, Doug is MORE than okay with it. And it’s bile inducing. Seriously, read the book “Under the Banner of Heaven.” It’s about fundamentalist mormonism and there’s all this coded language excusing the “spirit marriages” of these young girls to justify their yearnings. It’s so disturbing and Doug so reminds me of that mentality. Just – ew.

    @considerthis: Shayne actually seems to love her husband and is hurt by the rift in this relationship. I wish they’d go to real therapy, because there seem sto be love there – she cries the whole time. She actually made my heart ache a little bit. Dammit.
    AND re: Simon – there’s so many rumors about his flamoyant behavior, and lots of rumors about his sexuality – I think he just likes fancy pants and perhaps swings both ways. I have always thought those two were swingers. They seem like the type

    @fancyface: I thought the same thing – Celebrity Rehab all the way. He has a PROBLEM – and his marrige is not it. Did you see the footage of him passing out on stage all Jim Morrison style? It was a hot mess. Also I remember Jodeci CLEARLY from when I was in HS a loooooong time ago, they were on the scene a long time. At least on the radio

  9. 9
    hot cawfee
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 5:41 am

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—Alex and Simon– Silex of NYC–having problems??? Jeepers wondered why those two didn’t blast their way onto Miss Andy’s “WWHL”–crazy kids are trying to make the love work–and see who is really responsible for getting booted from RHNYC.

    Ok-have read only half of page 1–welcome Eyediosmio–looking forward to taking this crazy train/ journey with you and fellow commenters!!!

  10. 10
    hot cawfee
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 5:49 am

    And I too think Silex swing– she met him on a dating website–am going back a little in memory –it was an over 30 dating website and she was in her 20′s.

    This should be a fun season– am looking forward to reading recap and comments!!!!!!!

  11. 11
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 5:54 am

    @hotcawfee: Thanks – I am so looking forward to recapping this hot mess! Although the husband has said it was the WORST television he’s ever seen. Ha! I so enjoy torturing him with my bad TV, though.

  12. 12
    Why so serious?
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 6:12 am

    Thank you Eyediosmio for taking one for the team and recapping this hot mess. I was so skeeved out by Doug and his child bride I thought maybe it was just me. A little word to baby Courtney, adults don’t dress in costumes for everyday.

  13. 13
    Why so serious?
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 6:17 am

    PS hit post too soon. Those outfits are usually reserved for Halloween when you are going to an adults party dress as a slutty sexy kitten, nurse, ironwelder or whatever. Or maybe when you get a little bit older and it is no longer child abuse wear them for fun sessy time IN PRIVATE with your husband.

  14. 14
    featherhead
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 6:56 am

    @hot cawfee – If I remember correctly, Silex met on Craigs list for people looking for one-night stands. I remember her telling Bethanny that on RHNY when they were in a farmer’s market.
    I didn’t realize Shayne was Lamas’ daughter. I think those two could make their marriage work if they tried.
    I can’t stand Chester and his child bride! She has to leave everynight because of child labor laws. How come he doesn’t leave at night too?

  15. 15
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 7:09 am

    This show is soooooo bad, I love it!!!! I would rather watch these clowns than the f-ing Kardashians anytime.

  16. 16
    hot cawfee
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 7:38 am

    Feathery– noshedint!!!!!!! OMGL– Alex “I was brought up to never say the word ‘class’ ” McCord did bootycall shopping. AM shuddering and pleased that I do not troll Craigs list for anything. I also need to stop MIL from selling two old sewing machines on Craigs List–some whack job has probably designated “Singer sewing machine with bobbin” as some perved out sex toy….hhmmmmm….wonder how much we can get for them????????

  17. 17
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 7:53 am

    @feather – he doesnt leave because he can get more screentime. He is WORSE than the Salahis with his sleazy need for attention. Blargh!!!!!

  18. 18
    Karen
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 9:32 am

    It really wasn’t about Courtney’s lack of clothing at dinner for me. It was about her aggressive, disrespectful, attention-seeking behavior. She reminded me of a naked version of the Jack Russell terrier in The Mask. Everyone tried to ignore their antics in order to focus on their own therapy process, and that made her angry. It was clear to me that both Courtney and Doug desperately wanted to have all eyes on them, and when they felt they were being ignored would act out accordingly. Courtney would change into an even skimpier outfit and shake her (ahem) attributes, and Doug would gleefully remind everyone that he had been called a child-molester. Once. Every other time it was brought up, it came out of Doug’s mouth, as though it was some weird badge of honor. (this is the honest to GOD truth) I wish DR Jenn would pull her head outta her ass and acknowledge that her bullshit meter is off with Courtney & Doug, they need to go….it is all about being on TV..she has tried to get on over 130 reality shows..really NO ONE wants to see you hooker. Even Nik Richie cant make you a celebrity skank! She married an old guy and destroyed his life. he now acts like he is 4 years old and freaks out when people call him on it. Dr Jenn needs to throw them off the show. They dont need couples counseling..they need Jesus.

  19. 19
    L Chienne
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 11:18 am

    Kinda creepy that Hutchinson is as awful in real life as he was in The Green Mile…

    This show’s gonna be a wild ride…

  20. 20
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    I wonder how long it will take Courtney to start doing porn after her 18th. It seems that’s the career she’s been groomed for, by the way she dresses and her behavior.

  21. 21
    sagittariuskim sagittariuskim
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    *18th birthday

  22. 22
    darlingclementine
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Well normally these shows suck but I think I can get into this one.

    -Gossip blogger and lamas lady: I thought I would hate them but I don’t. They do seem like they really love each other and that they just need some guidance. I do hope they can make it work.

    -Jojo and tiny: saddening

    -Alex and metroman: I don’t hate them either, I just think they are famewhores. I get the feeling that they are in it together at least even though that objective is famewhoring. You could see Alex’s mind ticking when drama started of how she was going to insert herself and how she wanted to play the game… must have spent too much time with the housewives!

    -Childwhore and Sicko: The couple that makes all the other couples look like good people who are meant to be together. These people are disgusting. They are manipulative and fake. They lie about everything. The victim card they are trying to play is annoying already. Even though everyone else in the house is a little bit of a famewhore, most of them still have a shred of realness and can be related to even a little bit. Not these folks… Its really hard to watch that the therapist people have to stand up for them when its obviously fucked up and I wouldn’t be able to be in the same room as them either like the rest of the cast. At least the cast can hate on some people that I actually don’t like. I would not mind if someone slapped the smirks off their faces.

    Anyway, interested in whats to come!

  23. 23
    shantigal
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Nice job Eye. So happy this is being recapped.

    Uuuurrrgghhh. I know skeevy has been used in nearly everyone’s comment so I’m inclined to find another word that would describe the utter disdain, disgust and sheer putridness of the Stoddard/Hutchisons, but I don’t believe one exists. I don’t want to give them any attention but it’s exactly what I’m doing. GD me.

    Awww poor Doug-o-phile’s mommy and brother won’t talk to him. It probably shouldn’t surprise me that these fucking fame whores would willingly give up family relationships to be on a GD VHI (or Bravo, TERESA I’m talking to you) reality show.

    Why do I still believe that most people have an ounce of decency within themselves and will do the right thing? Why? WHY? Clearly I do not learn from experience.

    Anyway – I was also a bit shocked to see Alex & Simon and think they’re on to try and stay relavent as was stated earlier. For a couple that married within 8 hours of meeting, Shayne & Nick seem to really care for each other and the institution of marriage. They almost seem like real people.

  24. 24
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    KC did the same stuff to Mary J. back in the day but she was lucky enough to get out. Not surprised the other half of this duo is up to the same. I remember when Jodeci was all that!

    Doug…UGH I can never watch the Green Mile in the same way again. I never realized it was him until now.

    I love this hot mess!

  25. 25
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted October 13, 2012 at 7:05 am

    Doggone it, I missed this excellent program. I cannot wait for the recap.

    Details. Need. Details.

  26. 26
    Txgal
    Posted October 13, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I’m not sure Silex are in it for the exposure. She appears to be, but Simon seemed checked out to me. Like he isn’t interested in Alex anymore.

    Doug and Courtney are gross. The dr asked if she was abused and she denied it, but I wonder what she would’ve said without Doug or cameras there. She seems below average IQ and without any parental guidance so perhaps something did happen. Wish someone would get her some help instead of using her for ratings.

  27. 27
    Lizbot
    Posted October 14, 2012 at 10:28 am

    @Txgal: I agree about Doug and Courtney. If that therapist had any actual integrity, he/she (I don’t watch the show) would have recommended actual therapy for Courtney rather than continuing to exploit her for the show. The girl is obviously suffering from some mental health/personality/self esteem/trauma issues and needs help, not further exposure.

  28. 28
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted October 15, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    @eyediosmio: Reichen/Rodney from A-List NY, the girl who left Jersey Shore (Adriana?) and her boyfriend, DMX and his wife, Mrs. Hogan and her young BF, and some other couples I can’t remember were last year’s cast. How you described Too Short and Monica is basically the same description for DMX/his wife. Glad you’ll be recapping, but half the time, I forget this is even on!

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