Problem/Solution: Honestly, I want to be snarky about this, but this guy has a SERIOUS problem, and is not just famewhoring on this show. He’s in serious denial about his alcoholism and Tiny is in denial that she needs to leave this relationship, go to counseling and get over this codependent bullshit. Their story depresses me greatly. But not as much as . . .
Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson: Oh, we all know these two. About two weeks ago they came up in conversation with friends and I said this: “I hate them more than I hate the Kardashians, and I REALLY hate the Kardashians.” Seriously, this couple grosses me out beyond description.
Problem: He’s old and she was a GIRL when they got married. When this was filmed she was still 17. They got married when she was sixteen, and that is disgusting. That some serious “How to Catch A Predator” stuff right there. Not to mention that Doug casually mentions that he is “raising his wife,” as if that is an acceptable turn of phrase when referencing your partner in life. Honestly, he skeeves me out so badly and reminds me of that hideous Fundamentalist Mormon Leader Warren Jeffs. So Congrats Doug, on your great new nickname. I have no words for her except for Parent Fail. And Barf.
Solution: There is no solution. These two famewhores got married to get TV time, and are allowed on this show for MORE TV time. There’s no solution except to ignore them, or place your hands over your ears, crawl into the fetal position and gently rock yourself into a catatonic state. Or drink copious amounts of wine. Which I will be doing, thankyouverymuch.
Simon needs a stiff drink to get through this, as do I . . .
Too Short and Monica: I love this name, “Too Short,” it’s so ridiculous. And it makes me laugh because I am a giant, and everyone is always too short around me. (Except for the hubby, I nabbed me a giant.) Anyway, these two? Are boring. And they’re not even married. Problem: He partied too much, screwed around on her and now he wants her back. She, rightly so, is wary of giving him another chance. Oh, and they’re NOT EVEN MARRIED and in therapy. So stupid.
Solution: Run, Monica. Just run. Which she won’t, because she’s getting screentime even though it’s humiliating.
This first episode is a doozy. We learn that the owner of a sleazy gossip website actually has a line that can be crossed, that JoJo thinks Doug is disgusting (along with the rest of us) and SOMEONE gets called a pedophile! Guess who?! (It’s Doug). There’s lots of yelling, Courtney giggling at inappropriate times, and uncomfortable confrontations. In other words, it’s AWESOME!
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