Couples Therapy Recap: Depravity and Denial Make Good Television

 She says:  I’m getting the last word

He says:  No you’re not.

I say:  Both of you please shut up.  I GET THE LAST WORD!  Because this is the internet.  So, nyah

Too Short and Monica

These two aren’t married, and have been friends with benefits forever.  I can’t be bothered to remember her name, I keep forgetting it. 

 Who farted?

 He says:  I’m a player for life

She says:  It’s time to stop playin

I say:  Both of you lose, game over. 

Shayne Lamas and Nik Richie

In the opening segment, we hear they are married after only knowing each other eight hours and that they have a daughter together who is ADORABLE but I am not attaching a pic because cute babies faces are like kryptonite for my snarkiness.

STOP!  Collaborate and Listen . . .

She says:  I’m going shopping to spend your money

He says:  Absolutely nothing.

Which if you watch the rest ofthe show, she has a hard time letting him get a word in edgewise.  So it’s appropriate.  I’ll allow it.

I say:  I’m sorry, what? 

JoJo and Tiny 

He’s of Jodeci fame, she’s his wife.  He’s an alcoholic.  We see in the promo for the show he’s had a stroke, a doctor warns him he’s going to die if he keeps drinking, and then the dickhead producers use this as their promo shot:

I’m gonna kill myself Leaving Las Vegas Style, will  you join me?

You guys, I am all about the funny and it may have been said before taht I have a water pump instead of a heart.  But this?  Is fucking sick.  Seriously, he COULD die, has anyone seen Dr. Drew?  Those people are dropping like flies! 

She says:  Stop acting like a kid

He says:  You’re not my mother

I say:  Get thee to a real therapist STAT!

So this week opens with our star couple, Chester the Molester and his child bride.  Dr. Berman voiceovers:  That in Hollywood, it’s not unusual to see men dating much younger women, but this is the first time she’s treated a couple with such a vast age difference of 35 years.  

Child Bride and her Svengali are interviewing that they’ve been married one year and two months.  She says’s (with a shoulder shimmy) that many people consider them “Cot-roversial.”  Riiiiiight.

He then states that all the attention she gets is exhausting.  And that he’s asked her not to wear such provacative clothes, but she refuses and this results in endless fighting.

Doug then says that he’s raising his wife (a phrase we will hear repeatedly, since he loves it so much) and she follows up that’s she’s a provacateur (a word she learned that day).  I’d like to see her spell it.  

Mind you, while they are interviewing about how they dont want attention, how she’s hounded by teh press, and they’re exhausted by all the attacks  the awesome producers are showing clips of her You-tube video where she’s in a bathing suit pretending to be a kitty cat, licking milk out of a bowl and then spitting up a hair ball.  I am NOT making that last part up.

These two are the creepy version of Heidi & Spencer, with their carefully crafted famewhoring (calling the tabs for photo ops) and knowing just what to say to get people talking and their name in print. Next thing you know, Doug will be speaking to crystals and Courtney will be getting butt enhancement surgery so she can get on the cover of People.

He says his family has disowned him (smart family) and then they go into the story of how they met.  Which, holy hell this is some Brian William shit right here.  HOW he never showed up in a kitchen with a six pack and a pizza and a tall angry newsman, I’ll never know.  Anyway, apparently this dumbass ran an online acting class website (seriously?!) and they met that way and the relationship “progressed.”  Her parents found out and then gave them permission to marry.  So either one of two things happened here:  They were happy to get rid of her, or they are horrible parents.  Maybe both.

As you can see, her father is so very, very proud of this union that he is choosing to remain anonymous. 

 We’re at the house, and they’re traipsing up the driveway, giggling at each other all the way.  He’s such a class act, he lets her carry two suitcases up the drive while she hobbles up in her stripper heels (they’re lucite and nine inches – no joke) and then THEN he asks her if she has to pee pee potty. Ummm, I ask my dog that when we let her out to pee.  Then she immediately squats and pees in the petunias.  Courtney does not do this, much to my surprise.  I was sure she was trained better.

 Considering how she’s dressed, I doubt they’re very heavy anyway.  Lucite heels and pasties are pretty light, so I hear.

Dr. Quack Berman voiceovers that even though people suggest that he should be in jail, what they did was legal and Ugh, there’s more of them interviewing that what they did was legal, with parental consent.  At least she then follows up with the fact that she’s uncomfortable with this arrangement and that no 16 year old should be getting  married.  So I am warming up to her, a little bit.  Hopefully she’ll start calling them out on their famewhoring.

The best part is when they walk into the house, the resident counselor’s face.  She doesn’t know whether to laugh or run screaming out of there.  She says she’s trying really hard not to  judge.  To which I say, no worries. I am judging enough for all of us!

Thank God, we are moving on.

Our next segment introduces us to Shayne Lamas and Nik Richie.

She’s famous, or notorious rather, for “winning” a season of the Bachelor.  I couldn’t tell you which one, and I’m not looking it up.  That show is ridiculous.  AND for being the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas, he of the wavy locks and crazy ex-wife (in lucite heels).   Nik is infamous because he runs the seedy website “The Dirty.”  Now, do yourself a favor and go look this website up.  I’d link it here but I dont want to give his website any further promotion because it is exactly what it’s called – Dirty.  Seriously, it’s gross.  Think of the biggest douchebag you know, put a crown on his head and tell him he is king of the internet and to just go ahead an dharass people.  Ta-da!  The Dirty!  It’s a seedy website, but he made a TON of money on it.

They tell the story of how they met in Vegas (as all great romances do) and how she thought he was douchebag when they first met (she wasn’t wrong) and how eight hours later – they’re married.

Quick!  Which one’s the douchebag?  That’s right – they both are!  Two DB’s madly in love . . . 

The funniest part of their interview is when she says they thought they were marrying “normal” people.  Ha!  As if normal people get married in Vegas in eight hours.  That shit only happens in bad romantic comedies or when the show Friends is looking for reasons to keep Ross and Rachel together.  Seriously, it’s a bad idea and is NOT normal.  It’s a trite literary device. 

He’s extremely funny when he says that the next day when he realized who Shayne was, he says “Great – I married the girl from the Bachelor!” Stop trying to get me to like you, Nik.

Moving on, now they have a kid together (a gorgeous little girl that makes Nik’s face split in half when he smiles at her, and my ovaries do little back flips – seriously this is so cute!)  

Their issue is that she feels that they fight all the time and they can’t communicate.  Seriously, in their interview she interrupts him and starts to correct him about what their issues are.  It’s really awful and uncomfortable and I dont mean to take sides here, but she appears to be very emotional and quick to react.  It’s hard to watch.  My husband actually says out loud, “that poor miserable bastard.”

“His problem is he won’t let me interrupt him and tell him how awful he is all the time.”   “Kill me now.”

They arrive at the mansion, bickering all the way up the driveway and you can see that these two are going to really have to put some work into it to get to a good place.  I actually kind of feel awful for them, because they seem to really be hurting and I am sort of rooting for these two. Just because they seem very genuine, which is weird for reality tv.

When they get to the house, Nik asks the resident counselor what they’re supposed to “do” all day without tv, and Shayne snaps that he should “do” her.  He kind of laughs and looks away and I think – “ouch.”  That response suggests that he’s thinking this:  “You haven’t let me touch in you in six months, and NOW you suggest sex?  Okay, whatever.”  He then suggests to the counselor that, “just fix us.”  Double ouch.

Shayne smarts at this, thinking that he insulted her by making a crack about their marriage needing fixing.  Ummmmmm, you are on a reality show called “couples therapy,” dumbass.  I’d say you’ve fallen pretty low and definitely need some fixing. 

Then she gives a wonderful example of one of the issues int heir relationship – her immaturity.  Instead of telling him, hey – that embarrassed me, she decides to take their bed apart and puts a mattress in a corner on the floor for me to sleep on.

I have to tell you, their little tiff would have been solved so quickly if they talked about it, but you konw this shit is gonna escalate, and it does. 

OF COURSE he is super pissed she did this, and instead of initially telling her it was out of line, he poors his drink all over the mattress.  Lovely.  She gets immediately defensive, says the mattress bit was a joke, ANDOHMYGOD YOU TWO grow up!  Seriously, if this is how they handle conflict NO WONDER they’re on the outs.  Very immature. 

A weird scene where child bride is trying NOT to attraction attention by catching grapes in her cleavage.  As you do, inconspicuously, on tv, and definitely NOT for attention.  Nope. 

Next we’re onto my favorite weirdo couple, Alex and Simon from the Real Housewives of New York.  I love these two, and how they’re pretty much up front about ALMOST everything.  ALMOST.  They show news footage of them inthe tabloids, they talk about their kids and discuss how the fame started to drive them apart.  Again, the best solution is ANOTHER reality show.  Please. 

If they are truly arguing about everything and at each other’s throats and it’s due to the pressure of fame, and they can afford a real counselor – seriously?  DO NOT DO THIS YOU GUYS!  Go to a real counselor, in a strip mall or something, and hash it out with hand puppets there.  DO NOT BRING IT ON TV AGAIN!

They, too are bickering up the drive with their most likely photo-op empty suitcases.  I refuse to believe this is the only luggage they have.

In his defense, I can tell you that you will NEVER miss your luggage on the conveyor belt with a pink suitcase.       As for the gay rumors?  This is also not helping, Simon. 

Our last couple is the saddest Behind the Music, E! True Hollywood Story ever.  Basically, Jojo is the singer from Jodeci, and he’s married to Tiny.  He loves Tiny to pieces, and is very sincere in his discussing his love for her.  They are totally devoted to each other, the only problem is he is very devoted to alcohol also.  Seriously, I think he’s drunk in his interview.  See for yourself: 

Look at this face, you think he’s drunk?   I do.  In his defense, I’d need to be drunk to be around these people so I’m not going to throw stones.  Yet.

 Poor Tiny.  She’s married to a man that’s determined to drink himself to death and pretty much says so.  He resents her caretaking, but relies on it at the same time. Their connection is so unhealthy and he needs to get sober and she needs to realize that she’s trapped in a codependent relationship.  I hope he gets real rehab after this.

Honestly, Gasmii I’d love to be snarky about this, but I can’t.  He’s already been in and out of the hospital several times related to alcholism and having seen exactly what alcholism can do to a person and their family I feel for her.  And him. So very very sad.

But don’t worry, we dont revel in this true sadness for very long, because we’re all invited to the Courtney and Doug show! 

Yes, the whole crew, sans child bride and creepy Warren Jeffs, are outside chilling by the pool when we hear Courtney giggle, “I hear voices! Let’s go start drama!”

People, all they complain about on this show is how people judge them and attack them yet they seem to initiate every interaction.  This comment of hers is EXACTLY what they’re all about.  And it’s right about here I stop feeling so badly here, and begin to suspect that she’s a brilliant performance artist.  Watch.

As they approach, Nik interviews, “I recognize Courtney immediately because she’s a famewhore.  She submits nake dphotos to my site all the time.”

They sit down, with her on her lap, and begin telling their story of their relationship to the group that’s assembled. EVERYONE is visibly uncomfortable with her giggling, the tiny outfit and the fact she’s bouncing on his knee.  It’s all sogross.  Nike can’t even handle it and he has to move.

You know you’ve hit a new level of repulsive when the guy who runs The Dirty thinks your filth is beneath him.  I also suspect that Nik is reacting so strongly because he has a daughter and Courtney is basically teh living embodiment of a father’s worst nightmare.  Remember that Chris Rock, your only job is to keep them off the pole and outta clear heels?  It’s funny cuz it’s true.

Courtney starts to needle Shayne and asks her what’s wrong with her, it’s so condescending.  Ugh. Then when Shayne accuses her of not being real, Courtney corrects her that she is being real, however it’s spelled “rill.” 

OHMYGOD!  My head just exploded.  Is she trying to talk in twitter speak? What?!

Everyone is so uncomfortable and Courtney and Doug are revelling in it like a pig in poop.  Everything is going according to their plan because now everyone is watching them, and they’re the stars.

Doug actually accueses Shayne of being “high,” which you know what?  She should get high – she seems very high strung. 

Doug’s going on and on about how they’re judging him, Jojo calls Doug out fo rbein gthe old creeper that he is, which gets Doug’s fake hackles up.

Nik looks at Courtney and then says this:  “You love this, you’re loving this right now.”

To which she replies:  “I do.”

See?  Performance art.  It has to be.

Oh god, and now it’s all going crazy because Nik calls Courtney the “trash on the internet.”

But Gasmii, I’d like for you to pay close attention to Courtney’s face when this happens, because she totally smiles at the accusation, and is practically gleaming when Doug pushes her off his lap to go “attack” Nik.

Observe

See that smile? 

She’s so happy that they’re getting to participate in this little play.  I have to say, if this is an act, she’s not very good.  The smiling and smirking, it’s all giving her away.  NONE of this bullshit is real, none of it. 

Doug and Nik go back and forth a few minutes and I’d really love to see Nik knock him out, but that’s not gonna happen, unfortunately.  Which makes me a little sad.  If anyone needs to get knocked out, it’s that creepy jerk.  Seriously, he makes Spencer look delightful.

Ugh, so as this is all winding down they go their separate ways back to their rooms and get ready for a brief meet with the counselor.

Dr. Berman begins by stating that everyone is there to learn from each other, and the looks on everyone’s faces is classic.  It’s a combination of abject horror and disbelief.  What was really great, though is that she reaches out to Nik and asks him what he’s thinking and Nik is such a straight shooter.  He asks her if she thinks that anyone is there for the wrong reason, will she intervene?

At this point, Doug interrupts Nik and calls himself out as a child molester and it’s all so stupid!  This is the beginning of Doug repeatedly referring to himself as a child molester. Like, he’s proud he has a young girl he can legally bang.  Again, so stomach turning. IF she is actually 17 and not pulling one over on all of us.

Anyway, Dr. Berman confirms that yes – she will call someone on their bullshit if she needs to and then everyone leaves.

Doug goes outside by the pool where Nik and Simon are playing chess and decides to play for more cameratime/confront Nik but Nik’s not taking the bait – despite the numerous “mother-effers” Doug keeps yelling at him. 

Simon looks pained by the whole thing and like he desperately needs a drink, as do I.

Gasmii,  this was painful.  Seriously painful to watch.  What’s frustrating is that this show has been hijacked by two perverted circus freaks and the rest of the group is being punished with their bullshit.  Honestly, my heart really goes out to the others in this group and I hope they can move past all this crap and find some peace.  But that won’t happen, this is VH1 people!