Couples Therapy Recap: Child Brides Are All the Rage in France

Couples Therapy

By eyediosmio | Thursday, October 25, 2012 | 6:00 am | 17 Comments
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This show gives me cramps.  In my soul.

It burns, it buuuuuuurns!

Really, though.  This episode is simultaneously ridiculous and very very depressing.  Like most of reality tv.

The show opens with Shayne’s operatic crying. She sobbing that she wants to go home and see her baby, and I’ll give her that.  I am sure she’s missing her daughter like crazy.  But most likely she knows that the therapy sessions are about to get very very real and she’s going to get called out on her immature bullshit.  Much like this tantrum she is throwing right.

Dr. J comes out and gives her whole song and dance about how she owes it to her daughter (she signed a contract) and needs to see it through for her sake (she needs a paycheck). 

If I stay, promise you won’t tell me everything I don’t want to hear and just agree with me on everything?  Thanks Doc. 

Can I say two things about Shayne that have nothing to do with anything?  1) I wish my cry face looked that cute and 2) does she only wear blakc and white clothes or is it me?  She’s a zebra.

Next we have a short vomit inducing segment where Doug is racked with back spasms and Courtney is giving him a massage.  I shudder and crawl into the fetal position as she says the following:  “I’ll be your baby now, you’ll be my baby later so we don’t need babies.”  And the producers of Teen Mom weep.

First of all, I am ECSTATIC that she is at least aware enough to know that bringing a child into this world in this relationship at this age is a very, very bad idea.   There is no second.  That is it.  Thank GOD they’re not breeding. 

That horrific scene segways into the couples going to their next group session as Doc voiceovers:  “We’ll discuss how fame equals living a double life which results in stress and jealousy.”

What cracks me up about this is that it could literally apply to anyone of these couples.  Nik and Shayne are probably the only warts and all couple that’s here.  Tiny and Jojo are still in denial as to what exactly is tearing their relationship apart, she passively aggressively thought dragging him to couple stherapy would kick his alcoholism.  Silex are living in fantasy world and we all saw how he operates when he isnt getting all the attention on RHONY.  Too Late and his Friends with Benefits don’t count, although I guess this does apply because he’s so busy slagging video girls he neglects FWB. 

Is Doc taking makeup tips from Whoretney?  Or is she gunning for a role on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Victor/Victoria Edition?  Discuss.

Doc opens up group by becoming my very best friend and says this:  “Let’s talk about selling out.  Whether it’s about selling out who you really are to become a Reality TV show character, or selling your wife as a sexual object ot promote your career.”

Courtney is totally offended at the Doc’s assertion that her husband pimps her out for cash.  Definitely mortified.  Check out that pained expression. 

Doug of course takes the bait, and tries to go after Doc.  He’s always trying to defend his relationship with Courtney but fails miserably.  Doc finally breaks it down for him that he’s lost work, friends and family all due to this relationship.  And all that is left is the business of Courtney for him to fall back on.  And part of that business is her dressing provocatively and selling her image.  And he participates in that.

It gets simultaneously sad and hilarious right about here because Whoretney tries to defend herself by saying, “I just want to get people to know who I really am.”  It’s a very weak and vapid statement and means absolutely nothing.  But Doc pushes her and asks, “Who are you?” and I lean forward in my seat just dying to hear what she could say next.

“I’m a sweet person, I’m a Christian, I have strong beliefs, I’m loyal . . . “

And I die.  Y’all, I can’t even.  I CAN’T EVEN!  I hate how she uses this “I’m a Christian” BS to behave however she wants because it means absolutely nothing.  You know who the best Christians are?  The ones who don’t have to tell you they are.  They give money to their church/charities, they do the right moral thing and DONT BRAG ABOUT IT.  You don’t have to be told, it’s a basic Christian tenet, along with “Thou shalt not show your chocha on TV.”  Basic Christian principals we all learned in Sunday School.

But what’s even better are the reaction shots to her defense . . . I really love the other guys in this group, and the producers for capturing this. 

Ummmmm, you’re kidding me right?  Is this the same Christian who offered to “squirt” me last night at dinner?

Your claim to be a good Christian girl is weaker than a glass of Romona Pinot Grigio. 

It’s okay Shayne, she gives me a headache, too

Tiny, I feel you.  I don’t buy this for a minute either.  And also, I think Jojo farted. 

Friends With Benefits asks Whoretney:  What are you convicted about?

Whoreteney blinks, “Um, uh. I’m sorry, what?”

See, here – FWB is saying something that unless you went to a Baptist church (or other Protestant church growing up) that subtle wording may have gone by.  It’s coded language, for “are you really a Christian, or is this BS?”  Do you BELIEVE IN IT or are you jsut talking about it? Are you CONVICTED?  Hallelujah! 

That’s what FWB is asking, and what Courtney doesn’t get and definitely what Doc doesn’t get, but I did.  And I liked it.  Because Courtney has no idea what she’s talking about.  Again, walking into a church service doesn’t make you a Christian.  Saying it a million times won’t, but it will cheapen you and everyone around you if act a fool and say things you don’t mean.   Courtney.  So stop it.

In the interest of full disclosure and possibly being a downer, I will say  this.  I am aware that I am blogging on a website and judging people and slinging the snark.  However, I am not parading around in my underwear, flirting with married men, and then trying to excuse it all away by saying I am a Christian.  That’s what’s bugging me, y’all. 

Off the Soapbox.

Anyway, Doc clarifies:  What do you stand for?  And Whoretney says:  Well, my beliefs!

Well, then, session over!  It’s all so clear now!  Wait, it’s not over yet, there’s more!  She declares herself an artist, an activist (for pleather and hot pants) and that she would “die” for Doug.  Okeydokey.   So go ahead, we’re waiting.

Doc then brings it back around to her dress and th eway she presents herself (which is opposite of what she is declaring herself to be) by suggesting that Whoretney just kick it casual sometimes, in some lounge wear.  Rock some sweatpants. 

Courtney passes out at the suggestion she wear natural fibers

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eyediosmio

I'm a part time writer, full time wife and Doberman wrangler in steamy South Florida.  I try to keep my sanity by watching loads of reality tv so I can feel better about myself.  It's a lazy way to maintain my moral compass, but I'm too lazy to drive to church every Sunday. 

17 Comments

  1. 1
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 8:52 am

    And my apologies to all for the numerous typos, I was trying to get this up and running quickly and lo and behold I missed a ton of them. Promises: Next recap – no typos. Enjoy!

  2. 2
    Honeybee
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 9:04 am

    This show is so depressing.

    Tiny and JoJo – It’s more than evident that they love each other, but the truth is they are not good for each other. He needs her because nobody is going to take care of him, love him, forgive him or enable him like Tiny can. He knows this. Tiny on the other hand loves this man so much that she fears if she walks away and he dies it will be her fault, because she thinks she can save him. And she can’t. I feel a sense of anger toward him because I feel like he is holding her hostage. He refuses to address his problems and as a result is killing himself.

    Whoretney and Doug – I hate that I am even talking about these two. Because like certain other celebutards that is exactly what they want. To be fair I do think that the issues being addressed regarding these two are valid. I think the Doc is actually trying to get through to them. It just falls on deaf ears. Like I said in the minicap, all you need to know about these two was summed up in her statement “I sometimes forget I’m married”. Add to that the look on Doug’s face and everything is there. There was a point at which I thought that the two of them were honestly working an angle and the whole thing was an elaborate sham. Not that I don’t still think that, but there is a small part of me that is starting to think that Doug BELIEVES this marriage is real. Even if it’s a bogus the group sessions are telling. She claimed that he upset her so she attacked what made him insecure, she addresses that she forgets she’s married he is shocked and hurt by the revelation, he says she has an intimate “friendship” with someone she had a pseudo-sexual relationship with and again he is hurt. All signs point to he wants this charade to be real, and she knows it’s not. Kind of like Kendra and Hef. She played along because she saw that the pros outweighed the cons in her life. It’s sick but it was the choice she chose to make. The only solid difference I see between those two is Kendra was 18.

    Shayne and Nik – I have a hard time with these two. For starters, I don’t actually dislike Shayne. I admit I watched her on the Bachelor and I didn’t dislike her then. To me she just seems like a spoiled brat, and none of that seems to have changed. She has been allowed her entire life to pout when she didn’t get her way, and she continues to do it as an adult. Nik makes his living objectifying women, calling them whores and in generally being a first class douchebag. And yet it does appear that he genuinely loves Shayne. He believes that she is better than him and any woman he has ever met. They love each other but don’t know how to fight, and don’t know how to forgive. I remember a relationship a friend of mine had years ago. They were crazy, madly in-love. He was obsessed with her and she loved it. But at the same time, the things that he did to show his devotion were the things that she used to punish him when she was mad. At the same time, when he was mad at her he pushed her insecurities, was aloof and withdrawn. She didn’t think that he loved her anymore and then would freak and lash out. It was like fire and gasoline. To this day even though they are married to other people and about a decade has passed they still think of each other as their great love. It’s sick and twisted and I remember thinking “I am never gonna be in a relationship like that!” I see that in these two.

    Alex and Simon – I had no interest in the NYRHW so I just don’t even care enough to pay attention to them, same with TooShort and his Lady Friend. I think I am usually doing something else when they come on the screen.

  3. 3
    eyediosmio eyediosmio
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 9:19 am

    @Honeybee: Holy hell you NAILED IT! It is so close to the Hef/Kendra situation, it’s not even funny. Although what I still don’t get is why she would hitch her wagon to him – he’s not that wealthy or successful. And you are so right, Doug definitely thinks it’s a real relationship – he has no clue he is being played. If he wasnt such a scumbag for nailing a 16 year old I’d almost feel bad for him when this crashes and burns.

  4. 4
    Honeybee
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 9:35 am

    I think on some level he knows. Think of it like this; he genuinely cares for her, and when he tells her she’s beautiful he means it, when he says I love you, he means it. She in response giggles and plays into it. She feeds him just enough to enable the emotional response she needs from him, but at the same time stays far enough away that he has to pursue her. She didn’t care that he wasn’t THAT famous, he was just famous enough to get attention for banging a 16 year old girl. And her mother saw it too. Doug is just a means to an end, however I don’t think that she realizes that nither she or Doug are intersting enough to propel this freak show past the shock phase.

  5. 5
    PopePhilly PopePhilly
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Hi, eyediosmio! So, I’ve never watched this show, I started reading the other day when I was just clicking around different recaps.

    Jesus Christ on a cracker, I’m living for your recaps. :) I may have to watch the show becuase you paint such a wonderful picture of this train wreck. I forgot how much I love trashy VH1 reality shows. I never paid too much attention to Whoretney (love it!) and Doug before, but now I can no longer watch “The Green Mile” without just being creeped out.

  6. 6
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 9:49 am

    She’s not smart enough to pulloff what Kendra did. And that’s saying something.

  7. 7
    labowner
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 10:47 am

    Kendra seemed quite the conniving whore to me.

  8. 8
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Not saying she isn’t BUT she ended up in a far better (I think) situation than this dim wit Courtney IMO. Playboy fame, living in a mansion and NO marriage.

    I’d say in the battle of skanks, Kendra wins the round.

  9. 9
    labowner
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Gypsy hell yes. Didn’t Kendra’s trailer home have bars on the windows? Personally I was more disgusted by the supportive family members on GND. When step-dad was watching his step-daughter strip, I had to turn off the television. Sorry for the threadjack.

  10. 10
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 11:49 am

    I actually LIKE Kendra – and I felt like she was pretty clear from the beginning (at least to herself). Hef was a way to move forward in life, and she took that and rode it as far as she could, then left to make something of herself “on her own”.

    “Unknown girl acts the whore with “famous man” to make a decent life for herself” is pretty much a universal and historical reality. Kendra just did it on TV and in magazines. But if you look at her now, she seems genuinely happy in her *married* life, and I kinda admire her for that.

    I can watch the video of how Kendra and Hank have set up a bedtime routine for their son without feeling weird.

    I don’t think I could EVER, no matter what redemption she tries to pull, take parenting advice from Whoretney…

  11. 11
    Dinah
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Doug is so full of shit. He’s an addict himself. Booze, shrooms, x, porn…he used to brag about his porn collection and having threesomes! Yeah, good guy, MY ASS!

  12. 12
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    I agree Kendra always admitted that she was taking the opportunity and she did turn it around and make it work for her.

    Hooker with a heart of gold….but NOT Whoretney…I just can’t… they actually need their own show with the amount of issues they have… but that would feed into more famewhoring…ahhh the rub.

  13. 13
    Tx gal
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 4:11 pm

    I think Kendra once commented that she was involved with drugs and that Hef helped her stop. She also had her own money, and she and Bridget attended college / training program. I don’t think Kendra is a role model by any means, but she and Hef were honest about what it was and both benefitted. With Whortney it feels like a scam and since she was only 16, she IS being harmed.

    After admitting to being knowledgeable about Kendra and Whortney I feel like a need to do a 10 day cleanse. Ugh!

    Eyediosmio, since your comment about the way FWB dresses I’ve started to pay attention. You are right, she looks sexy without being slutty. I totally want her to take me shopping.

  14. 14
    Lynn
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    I think Kendra is very likable. Courtney not so much… She’s a complete narcissist. I think that’s playing a bigger role in her behavior then her age. And you don’t grow out of narcissism. She’s going to be playing out this same behavior 20 years from now. I agree with honeybee , her relationship with Doug is a stepping stone. But she chose a profession that she will always be part of the least respected group in. The lowest tier in Hollywood. Her ego may say something different, but she will always be z list.

  15. 15
    darlingclementine
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    They did say this was a no-alcohol place so even though JoJo is not getting the help he needs for his addiction, at least he is not drinking at the moment. From other VH1 things I have noticed that they will go from one show to getting to be on another (like drug rehab to sex rehap) after they “get down to the bottom” of their issues. So even though VH1 rehab isn’t the greatest, maybe he will get put on that show next. At least its rehab. Its a long shot but that is what I am hoping happens.

    I wanted to barf most of the time with doug and courtney this episode. But I also can’t look away from it so I guess they got me there.

  16. 16
    darlingclementine
    Posted October 25, 2012 at 10:23 pm

    We have known Hef’s set up for years with his girlfriends when he has multiple ones. He usually has a main one and the rest are more like for mutual gain. It’s a weird set up yes, but Hef is a show-man and it is actually pretty brilliant to keep playboy popular. Kendra was just the mutual gain type girl-friend. I think he acted as a mentor type person to her than anything else. Plus she was legal :)

  17. 17
    Naomi Houlihan
    Posted January 22, 2013 at 4:59 am

    I just think this show is plainly just a show where entertainment is the priority instead of counselling and fixing marriages. It can even lead to irreparable damage due to negative publicity. They are instead targets for negative feedback because of this.

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