This show gives me cramps. In my soul.
It burns, it buuuuuuurns!
Really, though. This episode is simultaneously ridiculous and very very depressing. Like most of reality tv.
The show opens with Shayne’s operatic crying. She sobbing that she wants to go home and see her baby, and I’ll give her that. I am sure she’s missing her daughter like crazy. But most likely she knows that the therapy sessions are about to get very very real and she’s going to get called out on her immature bullshit. Much like this tantrum she is throwing right.
Dr. J comes out and gives her whole song and dance about how she owes it to her daughter (she signed a contract) and needs to see it through for her sake (she needs a paycheck).
If I stay, promise you won’t tell me everything I don’t want to hear and just agree with me on everything? Thanks Doc.
Can I say two things about Shayne that have nothing to do with anything? 1) I wish my cry face looked that cute and 2) does she only wear blakc and white clothes or is it me? She’s a zebra.
Next we have a short vomit inducing segment where Doug is racked with back spasms and Courtney is giving him a massage. I shudder and crawl into the fetal position as she says the following: “I’ll be your baby now, you’ll be my baby later so we don’t need babies.” And the producers of Teen Mom weep.
First of all, I am ECSTATIC that she is at least aware enough to know that bringing a child into this world in this relationship at this age is a very, very bad idea. There is no second. That is it. Thank GOD they’re not breeding.
That horrific scene segways into the couples going to their next group session as Doc voiceovers: “We’ll discuss how fame equals living a double life which results in stress and jealousy.”
What cracks me up about this is that it could literally apply to anyone of these couples. Nik and Shayne are probably the only warts and all couple that’s here. Tiny and Jojo are still in denial as to what exactly is tearing their relationship apart, she passively aggressively thought dragging him to couple stherapy would kick his alcoholism. Silex are living in fantasy world and we all saw how he operates when he isnt getting all the attention on RHONY. Too Late and his Friends with Benefits don’t count, although I guess this does apply because he’s so busy slagging video girls he neglects FWB.
Is Doc taking makeup tips from Whoretney? Or is she gunning for a role on RuPaul’s Drag Race, Victor/Victoria Edition? Discuss.
Doc opens up group by becoming my very best friend and says this: “Let’s talk about selling out. Whether it’s about selling out who you really are to become a Reality TV show character, or selling your wife as a sexual object ot promote your career.”
Courtney is totally offended at the Doc’s assertion that her husband pimps her out for cash. Definitely mortified. Check out that pained expression.
Doug of course takes the bait, and tries to go after Doc. He’s always trying to defend his relationship with Courtney but fails miserably. Doc finally breaks it down for him that he’s lost work, friends and family all due to this relationship. And all that is left is the business of Courtney for him to fall back on. And part of that business is her dressing provocatively and selling her image. And he participates in that.
It gets simultaneously sad and hilarious right about here because Whoretney tries to defend herself by saying, “I just want to get people to know who I really am.” It’s a very weak and vapid statement and means absolutely nothing. But Doc pushes her and asks, “Who are you?” and I lean forward in my seat just dying to hear what she could say next.
“I’m a sweet person, I’m a Christian, I have strong beliefs, I’m loyal . . . “
And I die. Y’all, I can’t even. I CAN’T EVEN! I hate how she uses this “I’m a Christian” BS to behave however she wants because it means absolutely nothing. You know who the best Christians are? The ones who don’t have to tell you they are. They give money to their church/charities, they do the right moral thing and DONT BRAG ABOUT IT. You don’t have to be told, it’s a basic Christian tenet, along with “Thou shalt not show your chocha on TV.” Basic Christian principals we all learned in Sunday School.
But what’s even better are the reaction shots to her defense . . . I really love the other guys in this group, and the producers for capturing this.
Ummmmm, you’re kidding me right? Is this the same Christian who offered to “squirt” me last night at dinner?
Your claim to be a good Christian girl is weaker than a glass of Romona Pinot Grigio.
It’s okay Shayne, she gives me a headache, too
Tiny, I feel you. I don’t buy this for a minute either. And also, I think Jojo farted.
Friends With Benefits asks Whoretney: What are you convicted about?
Whoreteney blinks, “Um, uh. I’m sorry, what?”
See, here – FWB is saying something that unless you went to a Baptist church (or other Protestant church growing up) that subtle wording may have gone by. It’s coded language, for “are you really a Christian, or is this BS?” Do you BELIEVE IN IT or are you jsut talking about it? Are you CONVICTED? Hallelujah!
That’s what FWB is asking, and what Courtney doesn’t get and definitely what Doc doesn’t get, but I did. And I liked it. Because Courtney has no idea what she’s talking about. Again, walking into a church service doesn’t make you a Christian. Saying it a million times won’t, but it will cheapen you and everyone around you if act a fool and say things you don’t mean. Courtney. So stop it.
In the interest of full disclosure and possibly being a downer, I will say this. I am aware that I am blogging on a website and judging people and slinging the snark. However, I am not parading around in my underwear, flirting with married men, and then trying to excuse it all away by saying I am a Christian. That’s what’s bugging me, y’all.
Off the Soapbox.
Anyway, Doc clarifies: What do you stand for? And Whoretney says: Well, my beliefs!
Well, then, session over! It’s all so clear now! Wait, it’s not over yet, there’s more! She declares herself an artist, an activist (for pleather and hot pants) and that she would “die” for Doug. Okeydokey. So go ahead, we’re waiting.
Doc then brings it back around to her dress and th eway she presents herself (which is opposite of what she is declaring herself to be) by suggesting that Whoretney just kick it casual sometimes, in some lounge wear. Rock some sweatpants.
Courtney passes out at the suggestion she wear natural fibers