Couples Therapy Recap: They’re baaaaaack!

Hello Gasmii!  Sorry this is later than I would have liked, I wanted to have a full recap by Saturday but alas – my dogter had to have oral surgery.  Did you know they have doggie dentists?  Did you know my nieces and nephews won’t be getting Christmas presents this year?  All true.  The good news is, Cookie is back to her old crazy self – eating poop out of the kitty litter box and farting on my while we watch Couples Therapy together . . .

Speaking of dog farts, Dourtney’s back!  Yes, like a herpes outbreak they’ve shown up just when we thought it was all clear. . .

Dr. J starts out the show, with surprisingly few F Bombs by announcing the return of Whoreteny and Creepy Doug. 

Okay MOFOS, let’s get this shit started.  These a-holes are back, you effin’ hear me?  Goddammit, let’s listen to what these douchebags have to say.  No Bullshit! 

 I know some of you are offended by the way Dr. J curses all the time, but I kind of don’t blame her.  I also curse like a sailor, though and sometimes have to keep my door closed in my office because I often hang up the phone, and then very loudly exclaim:  “Goddamn Douchebag! Fuck em!”  And that’s just after talking to my Mom.  So Dr. J, from one trashmouth to another, I fuckin’ hear you.

So Courtney and Doug show up, he is of COURSE all dramatic and in full on victim mode.  “Back to Lion’s Den.”  Please. These are hyenas, ready to tear apart your rotting old pedophile carcass, my friend.  He says he wanted to “Finish the process,” which means, “get more screen time.”  I’m onto you, attention whore.

Dr. J starts it off by saying that they did a lot of work (I cursed at everyone A LOT!) while you were gone and that the people you left are not the people you are coming back to.  Translation:  they still hate you. 

She also says that she hopes it’s a safe place for them, which we all know means – Courtney you better not show your vag.  Cuz that’s dangerous for us.  Seriously, that’s some OSHA violations right there.

Courtney and Doug start out by IMMEDIATELY victimizing themselves.  Courtney starts off by saying she has a kind heart and is hurt by their judgment and Doug goes on and repeats that while Courtney makes this expression:

The face of an innocent victim, not a machiavellan manipulator.  Nope, not her! 

And it gets better.  Is Doug a part-time screenwriter?  Seriously, he must have had a dozen scripts sent back to him, but the next little monologue he delivers is so incredibly scripted and not at all sincere. 

In short, he half-assed apologizes for being defensive, BUT wants them to know where he’s coming from.  He says, and this is great:  “I want to protect innocence.”

Everyone in the entire world who ever lived, also makes this face.   

Alex is the bigger person and apologizes for hurting Courtney’s feelings.  But really, she was just helping the girl know what it was going to feel like a year from now when reality tv gets tired of her BS.  G-String and dollah bills, honey.

FWB also says she is glad they are back in the house, but emphasizes that respect is a two way street.  She asks them if, when they were alone and talking with each other, if they felt it was all an attack or if an exchane took place.  I may have to start calling her by her Christian name if she starts making anymore sense.  Stop it FWB!

OF COURSE Doug says she has no idea why everyone attacked them  all the time, and that he has no idea why everyone goes after him.  Ha! 

Simon interviews that he’s had it with their complete lack of self-awareness.  I am telling you guys, Simon is gonna snap.  And when he does, it will be with an accent SO WATCH OUT!

The next scene is out on the patio, and the couple of the hour slithers over to one of the chairs and perch themselves there ready for a confrontation. 

What gets me about Nik is that he seems so very open to admitting when he’s wrong.   Here he tells Doofy Doug and Whoretney they did a lot of work trying to figure out why they had such a “mob mentality” towards the two of them.  I can tell you why, Nik.  It’s because you’ve been locked in a house with two obnoxious a-holes for the past seven days.  I’m surprised they made it out alive, because I have to tell you – I’m a BITCH.  I barely make it through eight hours at work without flinging a stapler at some idiot’s head. 

Moving on, Simon jumps in and it’s his turn to be the voice of reason and speaks for all of us when he says the following: His concern is about the two of them returning is that it basically takes two to tango, and that he doesnt feel they’ve owned up to their part in the meltdown and that he feels disrespected by her/his behavior.  Huzzah!

Doug responds by saying:  I didn’t attack you.

Simon quickly says:  I didn’t attack you, either.

Although, I’d really REALLY like to. Don’t make me put out my cigarette and get all hooligan on your ass. 

Simon tries to explain to Courtney and Doug that their behavior in the house, was so disrespectful to him and the  rest of them, because it is disrespectful to the process.  He uses their current behavior as an example, as Courtney is draped across Doug’s lap.  Instead of being engaged in the conversation, they’re only interested in interracting with each other and also by behaving this way they ensure they get all the attention on them – which is disrespectful to the group.

Simon doesn’t get to explain any of this though, because Defensive Doug won’t allow him to get a word in.  Simon asks him not to interrupt, and Defensive Doug says – No, I’m going to interject.  Which asshat, that means interrupt.  And also, you’re proving his point, dillhole.

Simon storms out and Alex is left with her mouth agape, and a proper illustration as to how to win/end an argument with Simon.

So THAT’S how you do it.  Duly noted.

Alex goes all Tammy Wynette and says to Courtney and Doug: 

“I see you Courtney, trying to understand what Simon was saying.

(Translation:  You’re too stupid to understand what he’s saying, because he speaks English not Bimbo.) 

 ”And Doug, you’re just being smug.”  (Translation:  Doug, you’re a douche).

Bwahahahaha!  Which is true.  The ONLY reason these two jerks came back was so they could spend more time on television sets. They don’t care about Simon (which they pretty much admit to in their interviews) or even the process. WHY are they here?   They’ve so far given no concrete reason for even being here, because they take every opportunity to claim how GREAT their marriage is. 

And to back up my point (and Alex’s) here’s a snapshot of their expression as Simon storms off. 

Two Smug A-holes in a Rug.  And by rug, I am of course referring to Doug’s horrible hair piece.

Too Stupid, FWB, Nik and Shayne are hanging out and talking about their favorite movies and suggesting good restaurants to eat at when they’re in town.  No they’re not.  Of course they’re gossiping about the terrible twosome.  But pay close attention here, because Nik and FWB are commenting on the sad state of Court’s life.  Reason being, her mother failed her for allowing her to behave this way and also her life is being shortchanged because her only value is in her breasts.  Everyone claims it’s sad, while Shayne giddily does impressions of Courtney’s penchant for sitting with her vagina out.

Methinks Shayne was a mean girl in High School.  And a Cheerleader. Okay, a bitch.  Can I just say bitch?

All of this buildup is to get us thinking about how exactly Courtney got this way, and then we get to meet Krista – Courtney’s Mom.  Dr. J says that she’s dying to meet with Krista because she cannot understand how she gave permission for Court to marry Creepy Doug.  She also says that as a therapist, it’s not her job to judge.  But luckily, it is mine!  Woo hoo! 

Ladies of a certain age, hear me out.  PLEASE do not cake on the makeup, it makes you look older.  And if your hair is all busted like this?  Just cut it off, shoulder length is cute.  Ratty and full of dead ends, is not. 

I bet Krista is ten years younger than she looks here, if she’d dial it down a notch she’d be pretty cute.  Stop trying too hard!

Krista giggles as she sits down with Dr. J, obviously NOT thrilled at ALL with getting her time in front of the camera. Nope. Not her, she’s here for Courtney. 

She tells Dr. J that Courtney was a good kid, who was always singing and dancing (She’s a dancer! she exclaims), and that she got her first clear heels at the age of 11/12.  Because she wanted to be different and express herself, so Krista allowed it.

Dr. J tries to make the connection between high heel shoes and outfits that look like Motley Crue should be the soundtrack when she walks by.  Krista gives the most ridiculous non-answer about expressing herself, and God putting desires in her (which is why we PARENT, to help direct our children towards appropriate behavior) and Dr. J gently asks why she couldn’t express herself through music, or other ways and Krista quickly says:  “Those, too!  They’re all connected!”

She expresses herself through dance, provocative clothing and a pole.  It IS all connected!

This idiot completely lies through her teeth about how 1) they were very overprotective 2) they never let her be around boys alone (which explain that exboyfriend situation and the sexual experiences she admitted she had with him at what?  14/15? and 3) they weren’t worried about sex.  Idiots.

She also tells us that Courtney had all these men after her all the time, cops, lawyers and even Sheiks.  Do you guys remember when Courtney said that she “saves lives?”  Yeah, now we can all see where she gets her delusions from.   These two are bonafide nutso. 

Do you all remember that line that Keanu Reeves had in Parenthood?  Where he said that you needed a license to drive a car but anybody could be a parent?  Yeah, this woman should have been sterilized.  Parent FAIL.

 What?!  I’m a great Mom, I can totally parallel park.

She then begins telling the story of how Courtney and Doug got to meet online and how she had read every email Doug ever sent Courtney.  And it’s so weird you guys, because it seems so rehearsed.  Literally – it is a word for word description of their relationship of everything that Doug and Courtney have said.  This story is too iron-clad.  Do you think they’re all pulling one over on us?

Krista says she knew that Doug loved Courtney and that he could “handle her.”  Remember what I said in the first recap about how her parents just wanted to get rid of Courtney?  Yeah.  That’s totally what’s happening here. 

Okay so a few things could be taking place here.  1) Courtney’s Mom is totally infatuated with Doug (he’s a fabulous man!  Anyone would love to be with that man!); 2) she quite possibly pushed her daughter to be with him because she couldn’t control Courtney and also because she (Krista) wanted Doug for herself but couldn’t because she was married; 3) She’s a horrible mother who failed her daughter in every possible way.  Which do you think it is?  All 3?  You win!  Courtney loses.

FWB, Tiny and Courtney are hanging out and painting their nails.  It’s very sweet because Tiny gives FWB some great advice.  Tiny’s been there, been where FWB is.  I’m sure Jojo was no picnic and she insinuates as much.  However her advice to FWB is that in order to let someone in, you have to let your guard down. Also, she says there has to be a reason why he’s always coming around.

There is, Tiny.  It’s because FWB is always there.  That’s why he keeps coming around.  She’s a sure thing. 

I am not sure if FWB is ready to just shut this down if Too Stupid can’t commit.  But I think they get married because they keep showing “coming up,” segments with a couple getting married.  I hope it’s not them because FWB deserves more than a backyard wedding with a bunch of Z List celebrities as guests after all she’s been through.

Too Short has a one on one with Dr. J and he delivers a very selfish list of reasons for not settling down before.  Honestly, it’s every piece of bullshit I’ve ever heard from every stupid douchebag I’ve ever dated.  When a guy says:  “I’ve been hurt before so I’m scared of opening up again” – I say “Join the club asshole.”  Because that’s the nature of the game.  You keep getting hurt until you find someone who won’t hurt you anymore.  Honestly, everyone’s been there and some people use that excuse to hurt other people.  For example, I am sure every time FWB was crying and heartbroken Too Short would say, “Sorry but I told you this wasn’t exclusive.  I feel for you BUT I’m not ready for that type of commitment.”

Blah blah blah, me me me my hurt feelings, barf.  I hate people like that.  So shut up Too Selfish, or shape up. 

This next segment is pretty Nik-centric.  Now I know there’s been some discussion here, okay DISAGREEMENT regarding Nik and Shayne’s relationship.  I think that Nik’s honesty is refreshing and I also think he really loves Shayne and wants to save their marriage.  I think Shayne’s issue with Nik is that now that she has the baby, she has love all the time.  So the fear of abandonment she has (remember that earlier episode where she broke down about her father never being around?) rears it’s ugly head because her instinct is to push away the thing she wants the most.  To self-sabotage in order to protect herself.  And I think that’s what happens next.

Nik tells Shayne to get ready, he’s taking her on a date night.  Nik tells us that before she was pregnant they would go on a date night every Wednesday night.  He also says one of their best dates ever was a horseback ride, so he wants to take her on a horseback ride.

Shayne has a meltdown and starts whining when she hears they’re going on a horseback ride.  1) she just had her boobs done (3 months ago? ) and 2) it’s too hot.  She really ratchets up the misery and Nik tries to push her into enjoying it.  These two self-destruct so quickly, it’s really awful to watch.  She accuses him of being fake, he accuses of her of always wanting to be miserable. 

Someone in the comments rightly noted that her issue with this date and her whole problem with calling it fake is that it reminded her of the bullshit of The Bachelor, and that may be true.  But you know what her biggest issue is?  Communication.  She wants Nik to pursue her and go after her, so she pushes him away so he has to fight for her.  Eventually, that becomes exhausting. 

Too Stupid and FWB take a gondola ride and the most interesting part of this is that there are seals following them around in the bay.  It’s very sweet.  It’s a stupid date, but Too Lame tries to open up to FWB and I dunno, I am still not sold on his change of heart. 

Um, yeah sure whatever Too Short.   

Look, you don’t woo someone by reminding them of how you were afraid to commit and used to be a cad.  No.  And you DEFINITELY shouldn’t woo someone by telling them how to feel about you.  You should tell HER how you feel about HER.  You idiot.

He is being very self-involved with his proclamations of how he is a changed man.  He should be saying;  I want to change, you’re the best thing to ever happen to me, you’re a goddess, I’m nothing without you, blah blah blah.  Right? 

But of COURSE she’s a Friend with Benefits and hears what she wants to hear and says it’s the best day of her life.  Which, good for her but until he stops thinking of himself FIRST, this relationship will be disfunctional and one sided.

Needless to say, their date is the exact OPPOSITE of Nik and Shayne’s.  Nik and Shayne are barely speaking at the end of their date, while Too Short and Monica are deliriously in love. 

Shayne is acting like one of those teenage bratts at Disneyworld, who is upset that she is not at the mall with her friends and instead is standing in the middle of DISNEYWORLD pouting because she’d rather be at Wet Seal buying lip gloss.  In other words, she’s being really immature and just bitching about everything.  “Why do you make me do things I don’t want to do?  It’s so hoooooot!”

I do think Nik is at fault to an extent here, because he is handling Shayne incorrectly.  Look, we all have our days and I know I get particularly prickly a few days every month and very irrational.  My husband has been given very specific instructions as to how to handle me during a meltdown like this. 

1) Approach the cray cray slowly

2)  Give her chocolate or beer

3) Give her a hug, and tell her she looks thin today

4)  Tell her you love her

5)  Ask her what’s wrong and what you can do to make it better.

Shayne was obviously upset about something, and I don’t think it had anything to do with Nik although she was directing her ire at him.  He should have backed off a bit, let her blow off some steam and then planned a different date.   Instead he engages her bratty behavior and tries to argue her into having a good time. I know he’s irritated but he really did drop the ball in how he responded.  And now they’re fighting and have no idea what they’re fighting about.

I know, she’s being an asshole but sometimes, we can be assholes.  And sometimes, as the spouse you need to back off and let that person just be an asshole for a little bit. Then you try and work through it later, when everyone is calm and no one is on the defensive.  Also, chocolate.

So in short, we didn’t get a lot of Tiny/Jojo, Alex/Simon this episode.  I am so over the Courtney and Defensive Doug act, but I am intrigued about hearing more from Kreepy Krista.

Next week’s episode looks super depressing as Tiny threatens to leave Jojo and he chooses the booze over her (so sad!), Nik and Shayne have screaming match (shocker!), and Doug and Courtney ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. 

And as a little treat, here’s a little “amuse-douche,” a clip from next week’s show where Dr. J tells Shayne and Nik everything I just said, but with a lot more curse words. 

Until then . . . .