Last week on Crowned, the same thing happened that always happens on reality shows when you get a bunch of people living in a house together: the house split into two warring factions, and all the ladies’ cycles synced up. The realists (the artists formerly known as Silent But Deadly) were desashed in a painful desashing ceremony, but according to them the desashing was a medical necessity due to a deviated septum. Nine pairs are left, and one mother-daughter team will be sent packing. Find out whom after the jump. And after a lot of snarking about these vapid bitches. I seriously hate every one of them.
Someone had sex with this woman at least once. Shivers.
The episode starts with Hollis leading a group prayer in memoriam to their fallen sisteren, Alana and Annette. Angela is in the next room cheering that neither her team nor a team from her bedroom went home. Hollis laments that it’s very sad that a hardworking, positive, polite team like Alana and Annette had to leave, alluding to the fact that Tenia and Angela are still there. While Hollis whines, Tenia and Christan are in the kitchen “booty” dancing on the desashed team’s grave.
Those asses are about the only thing you two are gonna have to get ahead in the real world, girls. Keep em in shape.
The next morning, resident raging bull dyke, Linnea Meloni gathers up the “ladies” and informs them that they are all due on the front lawn in 15 minutes dressed in their finest evening gowns, just like when my mom used to make me mow the lawn. There’s a lot of racing and hopping around while shimmying into panty hose, as everyone fights over mirror time. Ada and Christan argue about shoes, which is what led to the assassination of archduke Ferdinand, and Ada says that it’s not what Christan says but how she says it. Chicks, man.
Fallen Project Runway contestant Nick Varios is brought onto the lawn to critique the ladies and tell them everything they’ve ever done wrong, ever. Rachelle is told to stay away from the strategically placed cutout in her dress since it makes her look like an extra from the first 15 minutes of Pretty Woman. Gina is told that she needs to wear more bling since the sparkle will detract from her Ronald Reagan neck waddle and cankles. Moya’s dress is far too long, causing her to have a 5-foot train and since she’s obviously not Princess Di, you can tell since she has a head, she is instructed to have her gown hemmed. What, too soon? Still?
Anyway, Patty, AKA Mona’s the Boss is told that she looks too much like the mother of a bride, which is appropriate since her gown is the one she wore to Laura’s wedding. I find this shocking that anyone would marry that fire-crotched soprano. Pamela is told that she made a good choice in picking a dress, however the black mules need to go (back to 1997 when they were still cool). Heather receives high points for her dress but is instructed to have it tailored to show off her tiny waist. If you got bulimia, flaunt it girl. Christan loses points for choosing a dress that accentuates her ass and her cleavage. Nick recommends that in the future she just highlight one area such as her racism or this trick she can do with a stack of quarters.
You’re hired! Just please don’t speak.
Ada is told that she’s just a mess, the dress doesn’t fit well, it looks cheap and no one will ever love you. Nicole’s dress is a little too over the top, and has another trashy cutout, this one right at the crotch below a neon sign that reads, “Hot, Fresh, Now.” Angela receives the harshest criticism when Nick tells her that she’s just a mess, and a bit of a raging bitch. Her dress is more wrinkled than Mona’s face making the dress look like it’s been in the floorboard of an ’89 Camaro for three hours.
After the critiques, the mothers are given the opportunity to stampede a few racks of gowns to choose outfits that will flatter both them and their daughters. The mom’s are given 30 minutes to rifle through the gowns and grab on a first come first snatch basis. Mindy, AKA Snaggletooth looks terrified as she tries to pick two gowns that her daughter won’t go all Veruca Salt on.
After the gowns are chosen and every “lady” changes, Nick comes out again, just like he did in third grade, to critique the girls dresses. Again, just like he did in third grade. Rachelle receives high marks for her mother’s choice, as the blue dress is classier than the red whore sack she had on before. Speaking of whores, Nick asks Angela why she chose the dress she did and Angela says that she likes the slit in the front. She decides to show off the slit by holding the dress and gliding across the runway, in turn showing off her own slit in the front.
MIWPMEOETITOF: Mom I Wanna Poke My Eyes Out Every Time I Think Of Fucking
The CW graciously blurs out the blinding, wiry heap but we can see by Nick’s expression that he is both terrified and thankful that his overbearing mother and absentee father turned him gay. Pamela chose a new dress for her daughter Felicia, AKA Chaka from the Land of the Lost, but decided to stick with her own blue dress, only opting to change the shoes. Nick rewards her bravery with an awkward high 5 before moving on. Christan and Ada strut in front of Nick and also receive high marks by following his previous advice. They get extra points because Ada’s gown is now a sickly gangrenous color, which matches her daughter’s soul beautifully.
Nick takes the ladies inside where he makes his announcement as to who will be the winner, AKA “sashed” in this contest. Based on the furtive glances I can tell he wants to sash the hell out of Cabana Boy John, but due to the rules he chooses a mother daughter team, and that team consists of Ada and Christan. The team gets to choose one of the “beautifully-wrapped” gifts sitting atop Cabana Boy John’s silver platter and they end up winning a day of beauty at a local spa. On a quick personal note, the last time I went to a spa, the little Asian woman that was giving me a massage could not stop farting the entire hour. It was neither relaxing, nor aroma-therapeutic.
Later that evening Angela, Tenia, Ada and Christan are using the intercom to listen in on the conversation in the bedroom. Hollis is saying that a lot of other teams are bringing negative energy and if she is going to win she needs to man up and not interact with them. Luckily she has the broad shoulders to achieve this goal, but she doesn’t have the backbone.
When Angela decides she needs to “keep it real” and confront the ladies for talking about her behind her back, Hollis stands her ground and goes toe to toe with Angela. Obviously Hollis doesn’t know that the David and Goliath fable is just a story they made up to sell Bibles, so she swears at Angela. In classic bitch fashion Angela talks over Hollis and speaks to other people about Hollis as if she’s not in the room. Angela insists that Hollis lacks class due to her swearing, causing Momma Gina to step in and remind Angela that she just flashed her crotch on national television. Tenia jumps all up in Gina’s “bitness,” I believe the kids are calling it, but Angela drags her away. Other pageanteers step between the two woman and hold them back before any I Love New York style spitting or “yo momma” jokes start. Meanwhile Snaggletooth just sits in the corner and cries.
Waah! I have popcorn in my incisor and I can’t find it!
The next morning Jenileigh and Hollis are chatting politely while making eggs before Angela comes in to keep it realer. Angela says she heard laughter and felt she needed to waddle in there and put a stop to it toot sweet. Hollis and Jenileigh ignore Angela’s continued sassiness and Hollis says that all she can do is be herself and let Angela destroy herself by overeating or tempting someone to shoot her point blank in the weave.
The “ladies” are all called to the couch so that Linnea can tell them that the big competition this week is going to be pageant photos, designed and directed by the mothers. In order to look their absolute best for the photo, each team will receive a makeover by a team of beauty experts, including hair stylists, make-up artists, and Elizabeth Taylor’s official lens vaseliner. Each picture will be judged and one team will be going home. Pamela, AKA Truck Stop Cocktail Waitress, is immediately worried since this competition is going to be judged on outer beauty and that is the one aspect of the show on which she and her daughter continue to lose points.
Everyone is brought into the salon to receive their Junior Prom up-dos with the moms choosing the looks for themselves and their daughters. Each daughter wears an expression like they’re 12 years old and bra shopping with their mom. Snaggletooth tells the hairstylist that she wants her daughter to look like Miss USA, causing the stylist to go digging for her wand. Truck Stop Cocktail Waitress tells her stylist that she wants to emulate the character from Maid In Manhattan. I hope you’re referring to Ralph Fiennes, cuz that’s probably doable.
Remember that part where Ralph was all “WTF? You’re a MAID?”
After the salon, where the motto is “If these ladies don’t look good, it’s mostly genetics and not our fault” they are all whisked away to the studio to have their pictures done. The moms are in charge here as well and all have to decide on the pose, background and style of their photos. Snaggletooth chooses and 80′s sitcom pose for her and her daughter, with both of them standing with their hands on their hips. All that’s lacking is a precocious black actor with a kidney disease.
Angela, AKA ghetto horrible, can’t decide if she wants to sit or stand or use the couch or not, but she does know that she wants to look longer and skinnier. After bringing in Paula Abdul’s director from the “Promise of a New Day” video, they get their shot. Unfortunately special effects can only do so much so Angela ends up still looking fat and Tenia ends up still looking like an American Idol reject. Waaay before the Hollywood rounds.
During Hollis and Gina’s shoot, Gina breaks down into tears from the frustration that’s been building all week. Gina continues to comment on how lovely her daughter’s face is…..well she never actually says that. She keeps saying, “look at that face,” so we’re not sure if she meant it the way someone says “aww, look at the baby,” or the way someone may say “Holy crap on a stick, look at that hunchback!”
You’re the best son a mother could ever ask for!
Ada really takes charge of her shoot, causing Christan to realize that her mom’s more than a laundry service and monthly bail bondsman. She’s also a force to be reckoned with and knows more than she lets on. Christan lets down her guard and lets mama put her wherever she wants and in whatever position she wants. Look for the pictures in next month’s Swank.
Truck Stop Cocktail Momma chooses a plain brick wall as the background and moves her daughter Chaka around like she’s an action figure. She continually changes her mind and exhales with frustration as the poor Waldo-looking cameraman waits patiently. Momma knows that if they go home her daughter will hate her forever, but there was a 50/50 chance of that anyway.
Back at the judging ceremony, each team is brought before the illustrious panel of judges consisting of people that have no career but are somehow famous. Mona and Firecrotch are up first and receive rave reviews from the judges. Their photo shows their close bond while looking like a before and after shot warning of the dangers of too much plastic surgery. Carson lets out a grrr at the ferocity of their photo before the ladies leave the stage with Mona telling her daughter, “I think he likes you and I didn’t see a ring.”
I think Mona’s found her identical cousin!
Angela and Tenia are up next. Tenia criticizes her mother’s choice since their picture looks more like a lesbian prom photo since one lesbian is always hot and the other is always fat and bitchy. They were at my lesbian prom anyway. None of the judges like the picture but the “ladies” smile and thank the judges for their time, silently vowing to jack them up after the show. Backstage, Tenia tells her mother that it was the worst picture in the entire world but Angela still insists that she thinks it looks good, much better than any of her mug shots.
Heather and Brenda’s photo is just a torso shot and both of them look like they just came from the lesbian prom after party, drunk out of their minds. Brenda loves the photo since the photo truly captures their personalities. Shanna Moekler chimes in that this picture is far and away better than their first attempt to dress themselves when they came out the first week looking like dirty French whores.
Jenileigh and Moya’s photo is a shot of the two clutching hands between their breasts and turning to look into the camera. Carson berates the photo saying they look like conjoined twins, if one twin aged rapidly while the other retained no spark of a personality. Shanna says that she doesn’t like the photo since they’re wearing too much makeup, which is a lot coming from a former Playboy Playmate.
But the sunspots on the hand are totally hawt.
Gina and Hollis are up next and they’re photo is the best in my humble opinion. Sure both ladies aren’t classic beauties (read: fugly) but the pose is the best of the bunch with Gina looking straight on and Hollis’ head perched on her mom’s shoulder. The judges also love the photo and rave about it until Carson shoos them away since their cutesy act is getting on his last gay nerve.
Nicole and Jill’s photo is another full body shot with both “ladies” facing each other and holding hands with their heads playfully turned to the camera. Nicole says she surprisingly loves the photo since her mother knows very little about pageants and is functionally retarded in 6 states. The judges give the photo a resounding “meh” but it’s good enough for the CW.
Ada and Christan, formerly team Hot and Not, now the Blessed Beauties, are up next. Their photo is of them on a couch with mom sitting tastefully on one end and Christan spread eagle and suggestively holding a make your own sausage kit on the other. Christan is a lovely girl, but you can tell her mom’s working hard to keep that one off the pole. Carson states that he can see the change in their relationship and that shift is palpable since Christan was a raging douche the first week, which is a lot coming from a gay man.
Next up are Truck Stop and Chaka and luckily these two live up to their monikers. When the photo is revealed both “ladies” look like a camera-wielding maniac is holding them at gunpoint. Felicia really likes the photo because of the way her head is tilted and because they’re sitting next to each other. The head tilt was just due to her trying to hold that melon up, and really they had no other choice but to be next to each other. The judges are harsh referencing the deer in the headlights expression and the fact that they both look stiff and terrified. Back stage Truck Stop cries because the judges are only judging them based on the photo and a photo doesn’t show their inner beauty. Unfortunately the Mormon Inner Beauty Pageant has already come and gone so the Tomboy team may be in trouble here.
Alright, let’s judge your inside. It looks like a Fatburger. Double whammy.
Lastly we have Snaggletooth and Big Head. As soon as the photo is revealed Cynthia Garrett exclaims “Oh no!” causing the ladies to immediately lose their confidence and poise. The photo is a full-length body shot, but both ladies are wearing dresses that don’t flatter their figures, and most of the daughter’s head was cut out of the shot. That really wasn’t anyone’s fault since the girl’s like Minnie Driver with a head cold, but Cynthia tells them that they look beautiful standing their on stage but the empire waist dresses make them look like dumpy ugly ducklings. When they walk backstage, Snaggletooth immediately starts crying and Big Head, despite her urge to punch, tries to calm her mother.
All the ladies are brought back on stage and as per previous weeks three teams are called to the front. Truck Stop and Chaka, Snaggletooth and Big Head, and Christan and Ada (nicknames to be determined at a later date) are the chosen group, with one team having the highest scores and the other two having the lowest. Ada and Christan are given the honor of receiving the highest scores this week and are allowed to join their friends back at the mansion.
Shanna drives home the fact that the other two teams blew chunks this week before instructing Chaka and Big Head to pick up the bejeweled desashing scissors. Snaggletooth and Big Head begin to cry as they await their ceremonial desashing, but Shanna throws us a curve ball and tells Truck Stop and Chaka to desash themselves. Snaggletooth once again lets the waterworks flow as she says goodbye to her frumpy friends.
Now just cut off the hairpiece, the hideous dress, the face, and the accent, and then try again in season two.
What did you think? Who do you think will go home next week? What nicknames can I give Ada and Christan? We have a few days until the next episode so let’s all work really hard to find a way to snark these two in a way befitting a queen. Also, please leave a comment. Pretty please?