Crowned: Finally! I mean, Finale!

It’s all come down to this. For years and years, or to be more accurate, two months, we have followed the trials and tribulations of these mothers and daughters clawing their way to the middle. It’s been a crazy ride, and one I won’t soon forget. After all of the training, workshops, recitals and whip-cracking from Linnea, we’re finally at the live pageant. Here’s to you, Crowned, for delighting and pissing us off. Let’s find out who gets Crowned after the jump.

Oh please. Anyone else wanna stab her in the kidney?

We begin with all of the “ladies” entering their dressing rooms backstage at the CWs gyma-caffe-torium, which comfortably seats up to 17 people. As usual Firecrotch is being a raging C U Next Tuesday to her mother while rehearsing their dance number. Mona is hurt by her daughter’s demoralizing comments but is luckily unable to express any emotion on her ballistics gel face.

Hollis and Gina, meanwhile, come to a truce: Hollis promises not be snappy and mean if Gina promises to not be emotional and dramatic or make out with anyone in public. Snaggletooth and Bighead come to a similar truce: Bighead promises to be bitchy and judgmental if Snaggletooth promises to bring up her kidney transplant every chance she gets. Unitard and Moya are mostly concerned with their hair.

And not returning to the streets.

Everyone slinks in to their gowns and takes the stage for their introductory dance number set to a pre-recorded version of “Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better.” All of the desashed teams are back for the number and you can tell that those teams don’t give a single rat’s backside since they’re not winning any money no matter what they do. The majority just look pissed off and bored while they lip sync, much like Britney until K-Fed came along and made life worth living again.

The CW really trotted out their best pony for this show. Soap legend Jack Wagner takes the stage as host and emcee for the evening’s ceremonies. Remember when Jack Wagner was hot back on Melrose Place? Well now he’s looking more and more like Richard Chamberlain coming off a bender. He reminds us all that the women are competing for custom-made diamond necklaces, mother-daughter tiaras and $100,000. Of course the necklaces are actually “diamondique, the tiaras were obtained at Burger King and the money is in Yemenian dollars. This is the CW after all.

Don’t forget the Veronica Mars Season 2 DVDs!

Jack introduces us once again to our illustrious panel of world famous judges beginning with Carson Cressley of How to Look Like a Naked Queer Guy fame. Carson is dressed to the nine’s for the event in a rented tuxedo, making him look even more like Marlena Dietrich than usual. Shanna Moekler is up next, with her hair in a Dixie Chick puff-hawk, while wearing a slinky white dress which beautifully accentuates her flabby sideboob. Last we have public image consultant and cocoa goddess, Cynthia Garrett with her ironed Cher hair.

Jack gets the evening started with the swimsuit competition and up first are Mona and Firecrotch. Luckily I learned how to type using the home row because my eyesight hasn’t completely returned. Firecrotch does have a hot little body, but Mona has been nipped, tucked, pulled, stretched, refaced, lasered and botoxed so much she looks like Faye Dunaway’s forehead.

No more wire hangers!

After they strut around to a Squirrel Nut Zipper B-side track, they get their turn to be judged. Carson tells the team that they exuded sassitude, which for those of you who are not gay, or are mentally impaired in some fashion, is a combination of the words “sass” and “attitude” as Carson thankfully explains. However, it wasn’t all good from Carson since he feels that they were a little too blinged out with sparkles on their swimsuits, matching earrings, anklets, and the C-clamps holding Mona’s face on. Shanna tells them that in the teamwork department, they were disconnected but that is not surprising since both of them have been trying to ditch the other for about 20 years. Cynthia feels that there wasn’t a strong enough differentiation between mother and daughter, even though Mona is obvious at least 90 years older than her spawn.

Up next are Moya and Unitard who take the stage with confidence and poise. I know I’ve been harsh on Unitard for her broadback and troubled T-zone, but somehow the makeup and hair people were able to take this sows ear and turn her into an entire pig. Unitard is a sturdy girl, beefed up with muscle from crawling about on silk scarves in the air, but she looks taught and tone in her swimsuit. Moya wears a sarong but that choice is O saright as it looks like the sheer wraps that all moms wear to hide the dreaded back thigh dimples. Cynthia and Carson both love their teamwork, and Shanna also gives high marks.

And a dollar.

Next are fan favorites Gina and Hollis and I must admit, I didn’t think either of these ladies were swimsuit material. Unfortunately Gina proved me right, but played it smart with another classy sarong and a one piece, whereas Hollis wowed me when she strutted out looking like a kitten with a whip. She’s been saving her A-game to the finale because it turns out that she has a smokin’ little body and exuded a certain “you can stick it anywhere” vibe. Surprisingly Cynthia and Carson both say that the two didn’t do well on the teamwork, which is the one point that this team has always excelled at throughout the entire competition. Shanna disagrees and says that they were polished perfection, not be confused with underwear model Hans Strubideski who is Polish perfection.

Last up in the swimsuit competition are Snaggletooth and Bighead, and never before has Bighead’s big head ever looked like such a big head. Shanna tells Snaggletooth that she looked nervous and it’s too late in the game not to own the stage, much like when you play Theatre Mogul Monopoly. Cynthia agrees with Shanna, and Carson didn’t like that the swimsuits weren’t coordinated, or the fact that Snaggletooth offered to sleep with the judges for points.

I wanna tilt that head back and see if a Pez pops out.

Jack receives the scores from the judges and the team that was most willing to humiliate themselves and be judged on pure aesthetics in a bathing suit on national television were Unitard and Moya with a cumulative score of 29. As Jack begins to usher the ladies backstage Snaggletooth begins to shake and squats down on the stage as dramatic music plays. Initially I thought she was just pooping since the stage on national television is as good a place as any (c’mon, we’ve all done it), but I quickly found out that she was actually experiencing some kind of medical episode brought on by stress and the fact that her body was rejecting her bathing suit.

Medical professionals rush to the stage and give her oxygen and cold compresses while a crew of fireman use the jaws of life to remove her one-piece. Luckily they are able to stabilize her enough so that she begins to ask for fried chicken again just like she did immediately after her kidney tranplant. To Bighead’s credit, she was very supportive during the entire episode, although you could tell that she was wishing she had gone with that stranger in a van when she was 7.

And then a bag of heroin dropped out.

The show must go on, so Jack informs us that the talent competition is set to begin. Up first we have Mona proving their is truly no rest for the arthritic as she pounds on the keys of a piano while Firecrotch screeches like that banshee in Darby O’Gill and the Little People. In the middle of the song Firecrotch transposes words and, being a true professional, stops singing and turns around to her mother and says “O my gosh, I messed up.” She steps away from the mic to read the lyrics before strutting back to the microphone to sadly begin all over again. The little blood orange messes up again but this time stumbles through to the bitter end. When judging time comes Shanna says, “positively dreadful” while Cynthia says “you looked beautiful but you’re not right for this competition” followed by Carson saying that it was “a little pitchy, dawg.”

Next up are Moya and Unitard, with both of them fully living up to the daughter’s moniker. Unitard ascends two silk scarves, using every muscle possible as her mother grabs the silk and spins her daughter around like a dervish with a drinking problem. This team performed this stunt previously in the practice round and lost points for not including the mother more, but luckily learned from their mistakes. This time around Unitard hangs upside down and lets her mother swing from her like Unitard is some kind of living jungle gym. The judges give high marks for their performance.

Who says giving birth to your mother’s head isn’t a talent?

Up next are Gina and Hollis, who previously mutilated an acapella version of “Come Rain or Shine” and this time around, they merely maim it. Carson says that there was improvement from last time, but still not great. Shanna and Cynthia both compliment the duo for their teamwork, but despite all the compliments on their partnership, camaraderie, style and improvement, we all know the song sucked big floppy donkey *&^%.

Snaggletooth must have got some chicken or crank because she and Bighead take the stage next and swing dance like it was 1996 again. Unlike the practice episode, this time around Bigheads hat stays securely in place. Well that’s not entirely true. It’s not so much a hat as it is an above ground swimming pool turned upside down and placed atop her enormous noggin. Snaggletooth doesn’t let her panic attack, sprained knee, kidney transplant or bizarrely placed tooth stop her either, as she jitterbugs her way into the judges cold, black, lifeless hearts. Once again, kudos all around for their performance.

Can I just say: the commercials with this adorable dude trying to leave a voicemail for some girl are absolutely hysterical. “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya.” He should get his own show just doing that. The McDonalds food arguing around a big table like they’re the U.N. about which one belongs on the dollar menu should not.

Anyway, it’s time to reward the highest scoring team in the talent competition and shockingly Mona and Firecrotch come in dead last leaving them in last place. Gina and Hollis are in third, Moya and Unitard are in second and Snaggletooth and Bighead, with a perfect score of 30, are in first place.

HAHA

Backstage Mona and Firecrotch belabor excuses for their dramatic failure during the talent portion. Mona says that the lights obscured her vision so she wasn’t sure what note she was playing and Firecrotch says that she cocked it up because she was born without any talent, or a discernable chin or a soul.

Gina tries to blame herself for her team’s third place standing but Hollis is positive and thinks they can still come back. Poor, stupid, pie-in-the-sky Hollis. Snaggletooth and Bighead ride high on their win but realize they are only one point ahead at this point. Unitard moans to her mother that she is disappointed that they are now one point behind, and wishes that they were one point ahead instead. Interesting strategy, Unitard. You must be some kind of statistician, no?

Is my penis showing?

It’s time to take the stage for the evening gown competition, which is basically nothing more than walking around in a dress. My uncle Rory did that and all he won was a beer bottle thrown at his head by some douche bag from Jersey.

Mona and Firecrotch are up first and as they glide elegantly down the staircase they pass by two frighteningly large pictures of themselves from approximately 20 years ago. Firecrotch looked just like The Little Girl Who Lived Down the Lane, complete with ice pick and venomous glare, whereas Mona looked exactly like Barbara Streisand circa Nuts. I know I’ve made a lot of, up ’til now, unsubstantiated comments about the amount of plastic surgery that this woman has had, but once you see her next to a picture of her former self it’s like watching the Jackson 5 Variety Hour and then immediately watching that documentary where Michael was climbing a tree and wearing a surgical mask. The ladies get blasé remarks from the judges once again proving that wishing upon a star actually works.

You thought I was kidding, didn’t you?

Next up are Moya and Unitard in basic black dresses, which we all know are the haven for chunky-thighed gals. Carson says that they looked decent, but insists that Unitard remove her earrings, as they are too much bling, and give them to him immediately. Shanna like their connection and teamwork, as did Cynthia, so overall these two did very well.

Gina and Hollis are up next and once again Hollis looks stunning, while Gina looks like a mom who should be baking a casserole while she waits for her saleman husband to come home. She’s an attractive lady, but doesn’t work it like a drag queen, which is what all of the judges really want to see.

Snaggletooth and Bighead go next and surprisingly they both look great. Snaggletooth uses a closed mouth smile and Bighead used a little alum in her Sleek and Shine. Once again, great remarks from all of the judges.

At least try to fake it, Gina!

When time for judging comes, Snaggletooth and Bighead take first place, while Moya and Unitard take second place. Before Jack announces the other two team’s placement, he stops the show to announce an “ambush” desashing. One of the many studly cabana boys strides on stage with the ceremonial jewel encrusted desashing scissors placed delicately on a chintzy pillow from Ikea. Jack asks Gina and Hollis to pick up the scissors to desash (pause for effect) Mona and Firecrotch! YES! Hollis pretends to be unhappy, but we all know that inside she’s dying to use those scissors for their true purpose, stabbing losers. Mona and Firecrotch are desashed and sent back to their nest on the side of a volcano.

Beautiful smile, though.

Unfortunately this leaves Gina and Hollis in last place, but the all important interview portion of the contest still remains. Snaggletooth and Bighead are brought out first and are asked their interview question: “What is the platform issue you speak on and why?” Surprise, surprise they choose to speak about the importance of kidney transplants. Their stance is that you should get one because if you’re ever on a reality show you’ll last a lot longer than you should if you talk about it every damn day.

The second portion of the question is a tricky one, as Jack asks the ladies, “if you win the $100,000 grand prize, how much of that would you be willing to commit to advance your platform?” Bighead has a lot of knowledge up in that melon so she adeptly responds that she would be willing to use as much as needed to get her non-profit kidney transplant organization up and running. Very wise not to mention a certain dollar amount or percentage there, as it may only be a matter of buying a two line telephone to launch her “non-profit.”

How’s your KIDNEY TRANSPLANT, mom?

Gina and Hollis take the stage next and I want nothing more than for them to redeem themselves here. When asked the same question, Hollis speaks about her desire to go into schools and encourage kids to speak about their feelings and learn to communicate at an early age. Gina states that she would also like to go into schools, but would mostly just go to hang out by the track and wolf whistle at the track team in their short shorts.

When Jack asks part two of the question, I can see the hope for redemption fading as the two look at each other dumbstruck for a moment wondering what would be an acceptable answer. Gina pipes up and says ten percent since that is what she is taught in church, but Hollis expands on her mother’s answer but sadly stumbles on the words while trying to speak until her allotted time is up, as signaled by the harp music. When Hollis finishes, Cynthia simply glares at the two with a mixture of hatred, loathing, and bad seafood slathered across her ethnically ambiguous face.

Red Lobster dicked me over again. Why do I keep going back?

When Moya and Unitard are asked the question, they mention another fancy-pants non-profit idea called “If you can dream it, you can be it.” Obviously neither of them ever dreamed about not living in a car. Part two of the question also takes these two by surprise, but both mother and daughter quickly realize the judges scam and say that they would be willing to give it all up if it meant helping others. This is a very important lesson to learn: tell people exactly what they want to hear. It’s an old vaudeville trick and it works on dates, in job interviews, when someone asks if they look fat and it even works in pageants. Remember that kids. Just a tip from your uncle Fozzie.

The three final teams take the stage, with all of the lame-ass loser pairs standing behind them. Jack announces the second runner up, which as was recently explained to me, really means third place, are Gina and Hollis. Poise is their raison d’etre so neither lady faulters when this is announced. They simply congratulate each other and then hug their friends before heading back to Texas where they can rassle up some good old boys with shotguns to take down the two teams ahead of them since the rulebook clearly states, “if for any reason Mrs. and Miss Crowned cannot fulfil their duties……”

This is because you acted like a whore on that couch, mother.

Speaking of those two teams, it’s down to Snaggletooth & Bighead and Moya & Unitard. Jack takes the envelopes and announces, “the first ever” and definitely last “winner of Crowed, the mother of all pageants is…..” (once again pause for effect), “The Daredevil Divas!” with a perfect score of 30 for their interview question, Unitard and Moya are the grand prize winners. Unitard loses it and begins bawling like she just got diagnosed with cancer of the puppy. Linnea makes one last appearance when she uses her usual sturdy gait to lumber out on stage and hand the winners their roses and place their crowns atop their heads. Moya and Unitard wave and cry, both still needing a little training in the pageant queen wave since they both have some underarm flapping going on, but they’re so high on life they don’t even care. They can now go relax and live in their car while wearing their crowns.

Next time you see this two under the freeway, give them a little honk, won’t you?

What did you think? Did the right team win? Was I too harsh on Mona and Firecrotch or did they have it all coming? Do you want to see a season two? Crowned: Cycle 2. The Bitches are Back. As you know the platform issue I speak on is comment leaving as a viable resource to feed my already fragile ego, and I would not be willing to give up one red cent to further this cause. It’s mine, you hear me? MINE! Leave a comment.