Mona’s Vlog: Stardate: 1912

I know I’ve received some criticism for my use of the word “fat” to describe Angela. Now there are a whole slew of names I want to call her but can’t use the majority of them in more than 12 states. I sincerely feel this woman is the root of all reality show evil, so I’m going to keep on insisting that she’s a fat pig even though she’s around my goal weight. Do her and her evil minion rise to the occasion this week or do they fall flat on their fat asses? Let’s find out after this jump.

We begin this week with all of the “ladies” returning from last week’s “talent” “competition.” Snaggletooth is all but being carried in the house as her daughter, Bighead, retrieves the WD40 from the trunk to grease up her noggin so she can get through the door. Bighead generously allows Angela to borrow some for her ass for the same reason. Snaggletooth hurt her knee while dancing with her daughter after telling the conductor to give her something with a little more “octane.”

When back in the house, the evil room, the one with Angela and Anna Nicole, celebrates the fact that they didn’t get booted, while the good room, with Gina and Hollis, raises a glass of wine with ice to their fallen sisteren. Hollis cries but is resolved to stay and fight. Jenileigh tells the room that they all need to band together and use their “knowledges” to kick some booty. Meanwhile the queen of booty, Angela, is listening through the intercom with her minions. They overhear Hollis mention that Firecrotch is a spoiled brat and should go home solely based on the way she speaks to her mother with that horrible British accent while wearing a monocle. It’s just not funny.

Why is this mom still in that horrible home made sparkly rope climby uniform? The challenge is over, mother. CHANGE.

Resident dyke in beauty queen clothing, Linnea, rouses the ladies to meet her in the rose court in 15 minutes and asks everyone to “bring their smiles” and their hair, spleens and cuticles. When all of the ladies arrive, Linnea introduces Keith Lewis, a smile instructor, which I don’t believe is a real job. Keith tells the ladies that there are six smiles that they will be using during the pageant: swimsuit smile, evening gown smile, “I’ve got a secret” smile, natural smile, closing smile, and “you can put it anywhere” smile. Sorry officer, she wanted me to attack her. She had that “you can put it anywhere smile”. So I did.

You’re a champion for even showing up today, Snaggletooth. Sit down and pace yourself.

The Anna Nicole sisters practice their interview smile saying that this should be the easiest one of all since they’re both so smart. “So mom, how do you plan to cure world peace?” asks daughter Brenda. Momma Heather corrects her, saying “honey, we’re not trying to ‘cure’ world peace. We’re trying to eradicate it. Der.” Here, here!

Firecrotch gives Keith a sample of her interview smile and he tells her that he doesn’t see much intelligence in it, but does see some residual viscera stuck in her teeth. I’ve come to the conclusion that Jenileigh’s name is too long to type, and Microsoft Word won’t learn it since I misspell it every time, so from this point on she will be referred to as Unitard. Unitard is asked to show off her closing smile for Keith but she ends up looking a little like Fire Marshal Bob.

Or a cannibal.

Linnea tells everyone that it is now time to use their newfound smiling skills to test their poise. Each pair takes a turn standing upon a rotating platform while the rest of the group hurls barbed insults their way. They should just read these recaps out loud. First up are Snaggletooth and Bighead. Ghetto Fatulous and her minions begin hurling insults, mentioning everything except the fact that Snaggletooth has a snaggletooth and Bighead has a big head.

Next up are Gina and Hollis and Ghetto Fatulous starts in about Hollis’ proclivity to spout swear words and Gina’s tendency to fight. Angela also mentions Hollis’ alien from the future that grants wishes and Gina’s ability to stop time by putting her fingers together, however Gina and Hollis are unflappable, other than Gina’s underarms when she waves.

Ada and Christan (heretofore knows as Hootie McBoob) go up on the pedestal but Gina, Hollis, Jenileigh, Moya, Snaggletooth and Bighead all choose to take the high road and compliment the two. They tell Ada that she looks nothing like a scarecrow and mention to Hootie McBoob that the Fort Lauderdale stripper look is totally making a comeback.

Baby Fat comments that this was a perfect opportunity to “keep it real” so she wasn’t surprised that the non-evil housemates decided to continue being fake, AKA polite. Moya and Unitard take the stage and luckily Ghetto Fatulous has plenty to say. She primarily takes the role of a second grader making fun of the pair’s cheap shoes and the fact that they are poor since Moya’s husband died. Moya and Unitard hold tight and Unitard actually manages to master her closing smile as a weapon against Angela’s hurled barbs.

Lastly Ghetto Fatulous and Baby Fat get up on the pedestal, after it is reinforced with titanium alloy to sustain Angela’s huge ass. Unitard immediately apologizes to her crew for what is about to happen before telling Angela that the only fake things in the competition are Angela and Tinea’s weaves. Both Ghetto Fatulous and Baby Fat take a break from keeping it real and keep smiling but will most likely meet Unitard in the parking lot later with a sack of nickels.

Last up are Mona and Firecrotch and Unitard takes the opportunity to tell Firecrotch that she needs to learn to respect her grandmother and treat her with respect. “What? That’s your mom? Why is she so…..ravaged?”

And what happened to her ears?

Keith excuses the ladies while he calibrates the smilometer to tally the results. Unitard rushes away in a fit of tears, embarrassed by her actions and snarky comments. Honey, snarky comments can get you a job. Trust me, I know. Ada also cries, but mostly because her daughter walks out of the utility closet followed by two cameramen with grass stains on her tights.

Firecrotch pipes up about Unitard calling her a spoiled brat and Ghetto Fatulous tells her that Moya and Unitard are just jealous because they can’t be spoiled because they’re broke. “Ha ha, your dad’s dead and mine’s not. True my dad’s in prison for robbing a check cashing place, but he’s alive. Suck it poor girls!” Angela also corrects Unitard, saying that she and her daughter are not wearing weaves, rather hair extensions sheered from the finest nappy sheep in D.C. Yea, I said it. What?

Inside the house, Keith announces the winners of the Smilathon are Moya and Unitard, for maintaining their smiles despite being poor. They are allowed to choose a package from the silver tray being held by John the Cabana Boy, but are warned by Linnea that all that glitters is not gold. Some of the packages contain beautiful jewels while others do not. Choose wisely. As Johns hold the tray at crotch level, Unitard actually states in a voice over that she saw the two smaller ones on the side and the one big one in the middle and knew that she had to get her hands on the big one. Wisely chosen, J-dog. However, all that glistens with sweat is not gold as the package ends up containing two oversized corsages, much like the kind a homely girl would wear to the prom to detract from her face.

Later that evening Snaggletooth goes to the doctor and finds out that she has suffered a sprained knee as a result of her Boogie Woogie Flu. Snaggletooth says that after surviving a kidney transplant a little knee pain isn’t going to stop her. Too much red meat and binge drinking may, but knee pain is the least of her worries.

Thanks for the crutches. How bout a transplant?

The next morning Linnea instructs the “ladies” on this week’s competition while sitting atop her Harley and shining her golf clubs. She tells everyone that each team is to create a 60 second video log, or “vlog” stating why they deserve to win the pageant. Each video log or “vlog” will be judged on originality, how well they sell themselves, and entertainment value. Hootie McBoob is immediately excited that she will once again get to make $3.95 per minute of Internet work.

The teams scatter and begin developing their concepts. As usual, Firecrotch and Bighead are bitches to their respective mothers, which angers me because Mona and Snaggletooth obviously deserve respect. Anna Nicole and her daughter go on about how smart they are while trying to figure out if a vlog is a type of Dracula or a way of preparing fish. “No ma, you gotsta vlog it in a cookifyin’ pan with some canoler ahl.”

The teams struggle to produce their videos with most of the daughters taking the lead as director since directors and daughters are both generally controlling and sadistic with a tendency to flip out over minute problems.

After all of the videos are finished, everyone meets at the theater for judging. Ada and Hootie McBoob are up first. Shanna Moekler tells the ladies that they’re video will be judged on originality and how well they sell themselves, which thrills Hootie since she’s been selling herself since she was a girl scout and raised $14,000 for her troupe by going door to door and oddly not selling a single box of cookies.

The video is shown and it’s a very simple scene with mother and daughter sitting on the sofa saying that they deserve to win since they have not always gotten along but both are there to renew their love for each other. Blah blah blah, touchy feely hoo haa that doesn’t really amount to a hill of beans. The judges give high marks however say that the overall message was a little unclear as to why they should win over others. Hootie pulls out her secret weapons but all three judges ask her to put those things away.

Did that girl just pull out her tatas?

Ghetto Fatulous and Baby Fat waddle on stage next and their video is pretty much exactly what the judges are looking for. It has a dose of comedy, since Angela is still under the delusion that she’s attractive anywhere but in a prison mess hall, but also addresses the issues they wish to tackle if they are crowned Miss CW Reality Show Due to the Strike 2007. Baby Fat says that she wants to work on issues such as HIV awareness, animal rights and the heartbreak of fat ass douchery which plagues our nation’s airwaves. Ghetto Fatulous replies with a sassy “mmm hmmmm.” The team is awarded with praise from the judges before retiring to the lounge to tease out their weaves extensions.

The Anna Nicole twins are up next and their video is a hot mess with the two trying on different crowns and rambling on about how good they look wearing them. Meanwhile, there is a mirror behind the two with a message scrawled in lipstick. I tried using my high tech devices to zoom in, rotate and enhance the message but I quickly realized that I don’t have that kind of equipment. From what I can gather the message read “ssataf a s’alegnA.” Must be Hebrew.

Anyway, the judges are very nonplussed with the vlog, saying that their message was lost in their attempted hilarity. Cynthia reminds the girls that this was a public image challenge and they didn’t show any new layers. Backstage the Anna Nicole twins remark on how poorly they responded to the judge’s criticism and vow to see a stylist to add those layers that Cynthia asked for.

The “WTF AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?” smile.

Sadly we also have to sit through Mona and Firecrotch’s video, which tries to be cute and poignant but comes off like a white girl trying to rap in a local video store commercial. Awkward, uncomfortable and painful to look at. Firecrotch wrote a rhyme for her and her mother to recite which of course featured Firecrotch screaming like a baby alien bursting from John Hurt’s chest and an unnecessary reference to the thong that Mona wears. All in all it’s pointless and the judges feel the same. When the judges ask questions after the video, Firecrotch keeps opening her mouth to respond but Mona won’t let her get a shriek in edgewise, insisting that her daughter did in fact give her her first thongs, six years ago. You’re not helping. Backstage Mona is chastised by her daughter for talking too much, which is like the red pot calling the red kettle a big mouth that doesn’t know when to shut up.

Next up are Moya and Unitard. In their video, both mother and daughter are standing atop the fence which surrounds the Crowned compound, obviously caught by a guard with a video camera as they were trying to escape. They proceed to tell us that they deserve to win because they have no home, two cars (which barely work), and no money. Their hair won’t even hold a perm. I do feel for these two women due to their recent tragedy of losing Unitard’s father, but hate that they only whip their pain out when they feel it will help their chances in the contest. Shanna feels the same way and tells them that she doesn’t want to reward anyone simply because she feels sorry for them, rather based on real, deep and meaningful reasons like how good they look in a swimsuit or how well quickly they can tape their breasts up. Cynthia appreciated the touching aspects of the video and totally falls for it hook line and plunging neckline.

Don’t worry, mom. My giant arm will keep you warm in the winter.

Snaggletooth and Bighead go next and they also go for the sympathy vote referencing Snaggletooth’s kidney transplant. When the judges tell the duo that they needed to give more reasons as to why they should win the crown, Snaggletooth says that both her and her new kidney are gorgeous and giving. Cynthia tells them that after the video she’s left wanting more to which Bighead asks, “like a new kidney? Cause my mom can tell you where to get one.” Carson says that he agrees with the other two judges but did appreciate that the video was very short and sweet, “unlike my kidney transplant,” states Snaggletooth.

Lastly are Gina and Hollis and unfortunately they just didn’t get it. Their video consists of the two trying to be cute and failing miserably. They talk about keeping their hair big and their shoes painful, but never mention anything about why they should win or what they will do with their all-encompassing power over time and space if they do win. Carson loves the cuteness but all the judges agree that the video lacked any kind of message other than broadbacked girls shouldn’t wear halter-tops. Gina addresses the judges questions and says that she hopes to win so that she can finally provide for her children the way her mother provided for her. Gina begins to cry and apologizes for her outpouring of emotions but the judges encourage her to go on saying that what she is showing there is what they wanted to see in the video.

The “how the fuck don’t these people find us adorably charming?” smile.

All of the ladies are called back onstage for the all important weekly ceremonial desashing scissor ceremony. After Shanna goes through the safe teams this week, she calls to the front: Ghetto Fatulous and Baby Fat, Mona and Firecrotch, and the Anna Nicole twins. One of the teams scored the highest and the other two teams scored the lowest. Unfortunately the judges fell for all that HIV education and animal rights crap so Ghetto Fatulous and Baby Fat are allowed to rejoin the rest of the “ladies” in the back.

Shanna attempts to milk every moment of drama from the scene when she tells Mona and Firecrotch to pick up the ceremonial jewel encrusted desashing scissors of Eldor and desash………. The Anna Nicole twins. Of course everyone weeps copiously, with Snaggletooth being the copiousliest as the Anna Nicole twins are sent home. Luckily they didn’t really need the money since they have all those dumb blonde joke residuals to live off of.

Yes, the cameras are getting you. Don’t be so insecure.

What did you think? Are Mona and Firecrotch in for a dramatic fall from “grace?” Can Gina and Hollis step it up to be in the final two where I want them? Will Hootie McBoob be kicked out next and go back to her one-woman off Broadway show, providing she can train a new snake? Find out next week on the next episode of Crowned and in the meantime, please leave a comment.