Crowned: The Talentless Mrs. Firecrotch

Previously on Crowned, we had to bid adieu to Pamela and Felicia, the resident truck stop cocktail waitress and her silent daughter Felicia, AKA Chaka from Land of the Lost. One team must also go home this week and we can only pray that it’s Angela and Tinea. Do either of these skanks show an ounce of talent in the competition this week?

This face has a talent. I’m not sure how to label it yet, but it’s plain as day.

The show picks up with the pageanteers returning to find Felicia and Pamela’s seemingly communal bed empty with a single pink rose on their greasy pillow. Brenda comments on how sad it is to see them go since they both worked harder than anyone there. Her mother, Heather says it just pushes her to work even harder. Hard work is the first step toward failure, Heather! Didn’t Truck Stop and Chaka teach you anything?

Linnea wakes the sleeping “beauties” at the crack of 10 the next day after a quick sniff of the hamer to instruct thm to meet her in the Rose Court in 15 minutes for a dance rehearsal. The ladies frantically get ready with their blow dryers, make-up, curling irons, acetylene torches, bailing wire and strategically placed preparation H. Nicole warns Jill that she’s not a very good dancer and couldn’t even pick up Tae Bo despite having an affair with the instructor. Hollis tries to get away with wearing flip-flops but her mother instructs her to follow Linnea’s instructions or they’ll get the hose again.

Up n’ Adam’s apple, girls!

When the “ladies” congregate on the Rose Court, Linnea tells everyone that every pageant begins with an opening dance number to show the judges the contestant’s ability to follow instructions, rate their flexibility and maybe, just maybe catch a glimpse of the dumb one who forgot to wear panties doing a somersault. She introduces choreographer Scott Grossman, who has choreographed over ONE DOZEN pageant dances. Woah! If I ever decide to enter a pageant and hire a choreographer to coach me, I’m calling this guy. After I call every other choreographer ever born.

Heather and Brenda both claim to be very good dancers, but say they are better freestyle dancers, like Jodie Foster in that movie where she fell in love on the pinball machine. Scott teaches the ladies some basic moves, and schvitzes like a whore in temple while doing it, as Gina and Nicole both struggle to look coordinated. Unfortunately they both come off looking like Oprah that time she tried to line dance on her show.

Sweat stains really compliment man boobs.

While taking a break from the dancing, Scott has the ladies perform a trust exercise by making the daughters lean forward to fall into their mother’s waiting arms. Angela becomes distracted by the smell of something fried and lets her daughter fall face first onto an unfortunately placed bear trap. Unfortunately, not really. Scott introduces Amy Kevarich, a professional trust coach, which I don’t think is a real job, to teach the ladies how to completely trust each other while dancing on stage.

Amy has everyone sit on the floor with their legs around each, on in back of the other and says, “OK you’re on a bobsled, and it’s snowing out and it’s cold. OK go.” Actually it would have been awesome if she did, but what she really said was the ladies had to lock elbows and rise without ever breaking contact with their partner. After everyone else is in a standing position, the only team left on the ground is Mona and Firecrotch who wriggle like a bright orange cockroach on its back.

Firecrotch begins to use her freakishly strong thighs to pull her and her mother up, but Mona gives in to the heartbreak osteoporosis and drags them both back down, sadly flashing Firecrotch’s firecrotch in the process. Luckily the CW has the class to blur it out lest we see spots for hours after looking directly into it. The two ladies break their elbow bind and are immediately disqualified, causing Mona to begin to leak a salty discharge from her eyes. Firecrotch tries to comfort her but we all know that Mona will be getting the paddle as soon as the cameras are off.

I got an itch just from looking at this.

Next the ladies have to have a good old-fashioned staring contest and look into each other’s eyes for a full 30 seconds without breaking eye contacts. Luckily Mona was previously disqualified because that’s a face only a daughter could look at. After the 30 seconds is up, several of the mother’s eyes are filled with tears, except Angela’s. Amy tells everyone that their love and affection for each other as mothers and daughters is what is going to win the pageant for them, “and Angela, you’re made of stone.” Amy thanks everyone for their participation while Mona and Firecrotch sit on the sidelines, the only pair to have been disqualified.

Back in the house Amy tells everyone again that they did a wonderful job, except Mona and Firecrotch, and chooses one pair as the ones that love each other the most. Brenda and Heather are awarded the prize for their ability to stand up the quickest with their elbows locked and get to choose a beautifully wrapped gift from cabana boy John. Brenda chooses wisely and happens to select a prize package consisting of professional make-up. Mona simply sits and seethes that she didn’t win the powerful magical tonic to regain her youth and beauty.

Ah, to be seventy again.

After the competition the “ladies” all congregate in the kitchen to fuel up for their next grueling challenge that could consist of anything from standing up to staring. Firecrotch wines for her “momma” to make her something to eat and then bitches about every option given to her. When they finally decide on chicken, Mona is unable to figure out how to turn on the oven or where the chicken cooking pan thingy is. Firecrotch says somebody must know and storms off to get somebody competent to help her.

Mona has had it up to her plastic chin with Firecrotch’s attitude and leaves. Firecrotch finds her mom who tells her daughter that if she speaks to her with an attitude again she will get her walker and leave the house. Firecrotch tries to say that she wasn’t speaking with an attitude but Mona isn’t having any of it and tells her daughter to make her own damn chicken before storming out of the room. Firecrotch is left to roll her eyes and contemplate how far she has sunk since Miss Teen Firecrotch ’94.

Over here, Mona! Focus!

The next morning the ladies are woken up when Linnea accidentally knocks over a lamp while stealing Nicole’s panties. She quickly covers and tells the ladies to get dressed and meet her in the living room in 15 minutes. Amazing things can happen in 15 minutes as we cut to the next scene with all of the “ladies” showered, dressed, with their make-up on their hair did. Linnea tells the ladies that today’s elimination contest will consist of each team putting together a one-minute talent presentation for the judges. Dear lord I hope someone is a plate spinner. All the teams scatter to start rehearsal and in turn tear each other apart.

Mona and Firecrotch begin to practice their talent, which consists of Mona pounding the keys of the piano like that guy in Reefer Madness while Firecrotch screeches like a cat being swung by its tail. They’ve put the great chicken conflict of aught seven behind them and are working together as a team. A bitchy, freakishly orange team.

Heather and Brenda choose comedy as their talent since many people say to them: “I can’t look at you without laughing.” Christan is in a pickle because her ping-pong balls didn’t arrive in time so she somehow convinces her mother to burlesque dance with her as their talent.

If they can just get some lucite shoes, a greased up pole and a story about working their way through college they’ll have one hell of a career on their hands.

Snaggletooth and Big head are also dancing, but their dance is swing inspired with a dash of awkward gazelle thrown in. Since being fat and sassy hasn’t been a talent since Jackee’ left the scene (sorry Mo’Nique), Ghetto trash and the American Idol reject are going to sing “I’m Every Woman.” Judging by Angela’s fat ass it looks like she has every woman under that dress.

Gina and Hollis, who are quickly becoming my favorites despite their broad backs, are singing a Frank Sinatra classic as their talent, but take time out of their rehearsal to help Jill and Nicole choreograph their hoola hoop number. You heard me, hoola hoop number. Moya and Jenileigh will be performing aerialist stunts as their talent. Well to clarify, Jenileigh will be performing the stunts while mom stands awkwardly and waves a flag.

While rehearsing Moya and Jenileigh get into an argument about Moya’s obvious lack of talent. Jenileigh is angry that her mother simply can’t crawl about on a silk scarf 15 feet in the air and Moya is heartbroken that her daughter is undermining her confidence. The same thing is happening inside when Jill raises her shirt to rehearse her hoola hoop number and Nicole tells her mother that’s it’s gross for a 40 year old mother to bare her mid-drift on national television. It would be gross is Angela tried, but Nicole looks pretty smokin’ hot for a 40-something mom.

Cougar

Rhino

See the difference, Nicole? When it’s time for the competition, Shana Moekler introduces herself and the other two bastions of fame and elegance, Carson Cressley and Cynthia Garrett. I’m still only vaguely aware who one of these people is.

Up first are Gina and Hollis and……it’s just…..I can’t…..it’s…..wow. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. You know when you’re mom shows up at a karaoke bar in front of all your friends and insists that you do a duet with her? It was like that, only more embarrassing and off key. The judges aren’t kind but Hollis, always Miss Congeniality, takes it in stride and says that she appreciates their input and will work on not sucking donkey balls next time.

Next up are Snaggletooth and Big Head, who do fairly well despite Mom looking like she’s about to have a stroke by the end of it. During the number, Big Head’s hat falls off, which looks a bit like a thimble sat atop a beach ball anyway, but she maintains her composure and doesn’t let it throw her off. The judges give high marks for the team working together and showing their spirit.

Jill and Nicole are up next and hoola hoop to a Shakira number played on a loop. Mom keeps losing her rhythm and dropping her hoop during the number and takes time to apologize to her daughter while performing. When they’re done, Jill says that she’s not used to hoola hooping in so many clothes, she usually does it stark raving naked on the front lawn when the paper boy comes by, but Nicole made her cover up. Jill admits to the judges that she dances and mom sings and since those two things obviously don’t match or make any kind of sense being done together, they chose to hoola hoop instead. Thank God you’re hot, Nicole.

Moakler shows off her ta(tas)lents, too.

Ghetto trash and American Idol reject are up next and their performance is like a mother-daughter talent show at a Junior High, not on national television. The judges are pleased that the duo took their advice and chose to show their fun side, instead of that bitchy pair of fast talking douches they usually are.

Ada and Christan are up next and their number is OK but awkward to watch. Nobody wants to see a mother daughter strip team, well perhaps some of you do and you’re disgusting, but the majority of us think it’s nasty to have a mom bumping and grinding next to her daughter. Christan is a pretty girl but she’s not a pageant beauty. She’s a flyer on your windshield in Vegas beauty. Go with your strengths honey. And Ada does look like an older Courtney Cox in a bad wig. Carson claims that he felt oddly drawn to them, feeling the urge to feel up Christan’s surgically enhanced breasts, before realizing that he was more turned on by their shoes than the number. Overall the two receive high marks for their performance, disgusting and inappropriate as it may be.

And they made twenty bucks!

Mona was worried about her technical skill in playing the piano, but is able to follow along with Firecrotch’s caterwauling. For some reason the judges love this performance, mostly because the redheads wear teal. Redheads always look great in teal.

Brenda and Heather perform their trailer trash version of stand-up comedy referencing everything from Larry the Cable guy to applying their makeup while on the “terlet” to dumb blonde jokes from 15 years ago. Carson adores their act and may very well be this team’s one and only groupie. Shana and Cynthia however are non-plussed by the act saying it was OK but it’s no Gilbert Gottfried.

Lastly are Moya and Jenileigh in matching spandex unitards. They’re both lovely girls, in comparison to most of the scags on this show, but no one can pull off a spandex unitard, other than The Flash and even he looks like he’s smuggling an olive somewhere really quickly. During their performance Jenileigh scales the silk fabric and contorts her body uncomfortably while mom gestures toward her like Vanna White. Ew. Vanna White in a spandex unitard. It just came to me and I can’t shake it. Anyway, toward the end of their number, Moya grabs a silk flag and waves it triumphantly as Jeniliegh spins gracefully to the ground. All in all it’s surreal. The judges love Jenileigh’s talent but are disappointed that mom wasn’t showcased more.

When the rabbit popped out I screamed like a little girl.

At elimination time, three pairs are called to the front of the stage. Mona and Firecrotch, Gina and Hollis, and Jill and Nicole. Shanna tells us that one of the teams had the highest score and the other two have the lowest scores. It’s no surprise that Mona and Firecrotch won this week and are allowed to rejoin the rest of the skanks for pie and punch.

After much posturing and dramatic pausing, Shanna tells Gina and Hollis that they must pick up the jewel encrusted ceremonial desashing scissors. More dramatic pauses as she tells them that they must desash……… Jill and Nicole. Gina wins my heart here when she says, “first of all, no,” and lays down the scissors. She removes Nicole’s sash and tells her that she gets to keep it since she worked really hard. Of course Shanna goes and cocks up the moment telling Hollis that she has to cut the sashes according to the Crowned rulebook. Hollis begrudgingly obliges and sends her friends packing. There’s bony hugging and crocodile tears all around as Jill and Nicole leave the stage.

I tried to floss this morning and almost pulled out my whole set of teeth. Waaaah!!!

Well what did you think? Did you think Jill and Nicole deserved to leave or should the judges realize that they just got rid of the hottest chick in the beauty contest? What shiz will Angela try to stir up next week and whose crotch will be blurred? We’ll find out soon and in the meantime, please leave a comment.