Crowned: Soapbox Derby

I know I should love Crowned. I love crazy chicks. I love sequins. I adore crazy chicks in sequins, hence my love of Dynasty from age 4. However, there’s something about this that hasn’t grabbed me yet. I don’t know if it’s the fact that crazy can only get you so far or the fact that pageants are an archaic, misogynistic ritual made to objectify women in the guise of a “scholarship contest.” You don’t make someone wear a bathing suit to get a scholarship.

Anyway, the crazy ramped up a little this week and I have a feeling we’re headed for a big blowup complete with hair pulling and scratching. Now that’s what a pageant is meant to be!

Oh, yes they did!

We begin this week shortly after last week’s emotional desashing ceremony where the Anna Nicole twins were sent home. Ghetto Fatulous is filling the void in her soul with a hearty bowl of Meuslix while Christan lays in bed flipping through the newest issue of “Boobs Weekly.” Ada and Christan make a deal to stay positive throughout the rest of the pageant, which Christan says will be easy since so many of her test results at the free clinic come back that way.

Tenia, AKA Babyfat, takes time to bash her mother for not taking the pageant serious so far but Ghetto Fatulous has a point since the show is on the CW. “Have you seen the intro credits for this show? It’s ridiculous!” Ghetto Fatulous assures Tenia that she won’t let her daughter down unless they are forced to do something athletic outside in pants.

Or if we have to sing. Or pose. Or not be total c**nts to poor people.

Linnea Navratalova comes in to tell the ladies that they get to spend the day outside, I can assume in the yard pumping iron and brushing each other’s hair. Linnea instructs the ladies to wear close-toed shoes and pants leading me to believe there will be some kind of feces kicking contest or a camel toe off. Despite her debilitating knee injury, Mindy, AKA Snaggletooth is determined to make it to the final pageant even if she has to drag herself across the floor with her lips.

The “ladies” arrive at a Habitat for Humanity house and are handed over to a bear lover’s dreamboat to help build a home for some poor, dirty, yokel of a family. The “ladies” are instructed to landscape the front entrance and build a cinder block wall. Immediately Firecrotch begins whining about how much sod she has to lay down, mostly because being in the sun that long will cause her to not only burn but burst into flames.

Jenileigh, AKA Unitard, Moya, Gina and Hollis all begin working on the cinder block fence and razor wire braiding that is to rest on top of it to keep the poor people in their home after it’s built. Unitard states that she’s done community service before and her heart is swollen ebullient by being able to give a poor family a place to live since she and her mother are currently homeless. OK we get it.

You better start working on a guest house, honey.

Ghetto Fatulous is schvitzing like a whore in Temple and complaining that she and the heat don’t mesh well. Nor do she and Mexicans, Baptists, blonds, people with freckles, Applebees enthusiasts, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods or weirdos. They all think she’s a righteous bitch. Ghetto fatulous mentions that it’s so hot that she needs to take her pants off, but the foreman warns her that they’re not in the best neighborhood and her backside is likely to get graffiti if left exposed too long.

Hootie McBoob fumbles with the paintbrush at first, wondering why she’s supposed to put on her make-up, before realizing she’s supposed to paint a wall. While struggling to paint the wall she drops her brush, knocks off her hard hat and grows more and more frustrated with the entire experience. When the fence moves we see that Ghetto Fatulous ignored the foreman’s advice and Hootie McBoob exhales in frustration due to wasting a good hour painting Angela’s enormous butt.

Meanwhile Mona, Firecrotch, Snaggletooth and Bighead are working to lay the sod. That poor sod. Mona tells the camera that she was upset that she got stuck with Snaggletooth since she is “crippled” and crippled people add nothing to the world (except for the late, great Christopher Reeves. RIP).

BOOO gimps!

Snaggletooth works as best she can crawling around on the freshly laid sod and positioning it as it should go. Firecrotch gets stuck carrying the large pieces of fake grass into place since her mom has no upper body strength or feeling in her face. After working a while longer Firecrotch is told that there is another large portion of the lawn that will need grass, leading to the foreman standing on the business end of a hissy fit.

Firecrotch tells him that she’s carried too much, her arms have given out and she needs to be transferred to the fence painting party. Papa Bear reluctantly gives in, leaving crippled Snaggletooth and Bighead to finish the sod by themselves. Bighead comments to the camera that it’s really unflattering and disgusting to complain that your arms are tired when you are working to give dirty poor people a home.

Back at the house the “ladies” all gather in the gracious drawing room to receive a reward for their hard work. That’s why people volunteer? I knew there was something more than this “warm feeling” I keep hearing about. Papa Bear was judging the ladies on their attitude and work ethic and at the job site and determined that Snaggletooth and Bighead exemplified the strongest of these traits despite Snaggletooth having to crawl and Bighead constantly falling over. The winning team is instructed to choose a prize from the tray that Cabana Boy Kirk is hold…..wait a minute? Cabana Boy Kirk? Who the hell is Cabana Boy Kirk? Where is Cabana Boy John? I know Cabana Boy John, sir, and let me tell you, you are no Cabana Boy John.

Eh, let’s face it. I’d do ya.

Anyway, Linnea goes through the regular schpiel about the gifts, which someone just pointed out to me as ridiculous. If you go to Sethrudetsky.com, as you should since he’s hilarious, you will hear his rant about this portion of the show. Every week Linnea tells the ladies to “choose wisely” when picking one of the wrapped gifts, but if you stop and think about it, that’s stupid. They all look exactly alike, so what kind of wisdom can you use to pick the best one? Well luckily Bighead’s enlarged cranial cavity gives her an edge over the rest because she picks the package that actually contains sapphire and diamond earrings.

After the ceremony Mona and Firecrotch are bonding over their disdain for Snaggletooth and Bighead’s win. Mona says that she couldn’t lift anything due to a sprained uterus from fleet week but despite that, she still worked harder than Snaggletooth, who simply crawled around and kicked the sod like an unruly child. Snaggletooth overhears this but is comforted by Bighead who tells her they worked harder than the Big Red Twins and no one should care what they say because they’re beyotches.

Look at the bright side! You lifted something! Kinda. Yay you!

The next day Bighead, Mona and Firecrotch all come together to have a good old fashioned rap session and get all of their feelings out in the open. Before they can begin to speak using only “I feel” or “I think” phrases, the entire conversation devolves into bitchfest 08. Mona tells Bighead that she knows for a fact that she and her daughter worked harder than anyone else and she’s angry because she had to stay married to a man for 26 years before she got sapphire and diamond earrings.

Bighead refuses to take part in anymore of the conversation telling both of them that it’s sad that they can’t take anything away from the experience other than bitching and moaning and starts to walk out. Mona tells her that she’s obviously walking out because she knows that she’s wrong, but Bighead tells her that she’s actually walking out because Mona and her daughter are nothing but spoiled brats who are crying because they didn’t get their way. Mona slams the door after Bighead and calls her a bitch before storming off to bury her feelings in raw cookie dough and merlot. See that? That’s why I’m gay. Right there.

Later that day everyone is given their true task for the week. Each duo is standing before a wooden soapbox and is told that inside their soapbox contains a card with the issue they will be discussing live in a mall the next day. Each pair takes their turn reading their card before splitting up to rehearse what they’re going to say and decide if they want Cin-a-Bon or Wetzels Pretzels.

Or giant fake boobs.

The usual mishigos takes place while the ladies “brain”storm. Ghetto Fatulous tries to sound intelligent but ends up sounding like that Damon Wayans inmate on In Living Color, Bighead puts down every idea her mother has, Firecrotch gets angry when her mother doesn’t take things seriously, Gina and Hollis sing “I Will Be Right Here Waiting For You” by Richard Marx, and Hootie dances to her Whitesnake as her mom works diligently.

We see all of the ladies at the mall attempting to deliver their impassioned speeches about their topic, but we don’t get the full effect until the desashing ceremony. Let’s go there now.

Everyone takes the stage to be judged by a rock star’s ex wife, a collagen loving bottom and some chick no one has ever heard of. Up first are Moya and Unitard who take a stance on whether beauty is more than skin deep. Personally I thought they would go with no, but surprisingly they say yes. Unitard says that everyone is beautiful and offers to give anyone in the audience a hug, but everyone declines lest they be crushed like a beer can against her forehead. The judges are kind saying that the pair were perky and engaging. Immediately Hootie McBoob runs out hearing this since that’s what she’s nicknamed her breasts.

What’s your problem with hugs, manly man?

Snaggletooth and Bighead go next taking a stance on whether or not plastic surgery makes someone perfect. Snaggletooth stumbles on her lines in the mall video and Bighead overuses the word “myself” and runs out of time when the buzzer rings announcing a sale at Nine West. Bighead honestly says that she may want to have plastic surgery someday, or at least have some bones removed from her cranium, so she isn’t completely against it, but feels strongly that plastic surgery in no way makes anyone perfect. Exhibit A:

Mona and Firecrotch take the stage to show their video on whether or not blondes have more fun. In the video, the duo take the stage wearing their matching Oreo promotional pantsuits and ask the question, “Do blondes have more fun?” in unison before shaking out their day glo orange lockes and asking, “What do you think!?” Firecrotch delivers her lines like a nine-year-old pageant contestant who is told to smile while she talks but can’t make it look not creepy. Mona delivers her lines like a creepy looking woman who can’t help but look creepy.

Ghetto Fatulous and Babyfat waddle on stage with Tenia wearing a lime green peekaboo dress and Angela’s hair looking more feathered than Blaire Warner’s. They delivered a speech at the mall regarding whether or not body art is sexy. In the video Angela struggles to recite her lines about bikers and King Tut (?) before Tinea says that Generation X has made body art a sensation. Angela chimes in that there’s nothing sexier than seeing a belly button ring but thankfully she doesn’t show us hers.

You’re showing us enough rings already, girls.

The judges are confused when the video ends because it didn’t seem that they argued one way or the other on the subject, rather talked about it and alluded to the fact that one or both of them may be pierced in one or more areas that hopefully only a mortician will have to see someday. The judges state that it was obvious how nervous the ladies were, especially when the crowd started throwing hot garbage at them. When they leave the stage Babyfat chastises her mother for talking too much but Ghetto Fatulous is reticent to believe it, even though the judges just said it. I thought elephants never forgot?

Next up are Gina and Hollis, who have to deliver a speech about whether designer clothes or bargain shopping make the outfit. They state that clothes are a great way to express yourself but with grandchildren, mortgages and monthly hush money to Swank, they simply can’t afford designer clothes. Their speech is engaging and casual and the audience seems to appreciate their viewpoint. The judges all give positive feedback, so we can rest assured that the Crowned darlings will be sticking around another week.

Bargain clothes it is!

Last up are Scarecrow and Hootie McBoob, who were given the topic “do nice people finish last?” When the judges ask what their position is, Hootie McBoob replies “doggie” so they just forego the questions and move on to the clip. Both mother and daughter look terrified on their soapbox but mostly because they were sent to the portion of the mall where the gangs hang out. The judges watch the clip and are disappointed in the team’s performance since neither one of them knows how to take a punch.

The judges go through the standard berating of all of the contestants before calling Scarecrow and Hootie McBoob and Ghetto Fatulous and Babyfat to the front for desashing. Shanna postures and does her best Tyra Banks impression to stall for time before telling Ghetto Fatulous and Babyfat to pick up the magical jewel encrusted ceremonial desashing scissors of eldor. After a little more wasting of time, she announces that Ghetto Fatulous and Babyfat need to desash themselves. Mother and daughter nod knowingly and remove their sashes to cut them as per pageant tradition.

As Angela holds the scissors to her sash, Tinea throws hers down and says, “I’m runnin’!” before taking off backstage followed by her mother, panting and gasping for air. All of the other contestants stand and stare in disbelief as the duo runs away. Angela and Tinea were obviously confused and thought they were on Cops again.

Classy til the very end.

Shanna tells the crowd that their behavior is exactly why they are not moving further in the pageant causing Gina and Hollis to smile devilishly at each other.

So what did you think? Are you happy to see Ghetto Fatulous and Babyfat go? Are you psyched about the actual pageant finale next week? Who do you think will win? Let’s debate about it at the mall! Oh and let’s leave a comment!