Crowned: They Say It’s What’s Inside That Counts, But That’s Butt Ugly Too

When I was first asked to recap the CWs latest experiment in “Man, chicks are crazy” called Crowned, I was ecstatic because I love reality shows, I adore sequins, and I live for crazy chicks. I obviously didn’t know what I was getting into.

Crowned pits mother/daughter teams against other mother/daughter teams in a beauty pageant to determine which pair will win a hundred grand and a bejeweled accessory, I forget exactly which accessory. You think one chick is crazy? Wait until you see the loins from which that crazy sprung. More insanity after the jump.

This is just too easy.

Shanna Moakler hosts this show since she won both the Miss USA and the Miss New York pageants. Luckily she took time out of her schedule of ending world hunger and proselytizing about world peace to star in this reality show on the CW. Joining Shanna is Linnea Meloni as the pageant director, who is there to tell the contestants where they need to be and when they need to be there. For a beauty pageant director, Linnea is very mannish and surly, looking a little like an angry lesbian trying to return a nine iron.

I have a feeling there will be full physical exams every morning.

Rounding out the panel are Carson Kressley, knowledgeable in all things women, and world famous radio and television personality and author Cynthia Garrett. Yea I’ve never heard of her either. Before we proceed to this week’s demoralizing desashing ceremony (Crowned‘s version of the boardroom or tribal council), let’s take a moment to get to know our contestants.

First up we have Gina and Hollis from the great state of Texas. Daughter Hollis is determined to prove that not all beauty queens have to be tall, blond and beautiful. She has obviously never seen a beauty pageant before. Hollis is short, with a cute, little, squat body which was made more for jockeying than beauty pageanting. She also has a jaw that you could use as a paperweight.

Gina looks like an average mom that you can tell was hot. Once. When asked to create a team name, they deem themselves the Dreamgals. Although they may think they are telling me they are not going, I know otherwise. They do have the congeniality aspect down since they take time out of their busy schedule to help another team choose outfits for the big competition, but then again, ugly chicks are always congenial. And the outfits they chose were hideous. Ugly chicks are also often passive aggressive.

And insanely happy to just be alive.

Next up are Patty and Laura. Many cultures believe that women with red hair are evil witches born with innate powers from the devil. The more I see these two, the more I’m inclined to agree. After the initial Meet, Greet and Undermine Your Competition’s Self Worth luncheon, Gina offers to make dinner for everyone living in the mansion, but Patty and Laura refuse to eat anything but the frozen gorilla fetuses they brought with them.

Patty and Laura also mentioned how unattractive they think Gina and Hollis are, so not only are they insulting their food, they’re insulting their horrible visages as well. Additionally, Laura wakes up everyone at the crack of dawn practicing her opera singing, which sounds like Mariah Carey caught in a bear trap. When one of the young ladies reminds Laura that people are trying to sleep, Laura replies that she needs to rehearse and doesn’t care about anyone but herself and she hopes they all die. They all go to hell and die!! “Goddess Heceta here my plee, let the unclean….” But luckily her mother stops her before she can finish.

Patty doesn’t sing, but she does do one hell of a Mona from Who’s the Boss? impression just by standing there. These two name their team the Redhead Bombshells and when they come on stage to introduce themselves to the judges, they slink around with mom in an evening gown and Laura in a swimsuit.

What’s Tony Danza like?

There are quite a few awkward pauses in their introduction speech, but Carson knows better than to get a witch on his bad side. He once insulted Julianne Moore at a cocktail party and look what happened to his career.

Next up are Brenda and Heather, fresh off their world tour in the Anna Nicole Look-alike Pageant, arriving both chubby and coked out. They’re initially upset that another team stole the bombshell moniker, but they don’t let it stop them from naming their team The Blond Bombshells. When these two come on stage to introduce themselves to the judges, both looking like Mae West on a bender, they are asked how they would define a blond bombshell. After the judges define what “define” means, Heather says that she feels a blond bombshell is classy, blond, intelligent and smart. She obviously didn’t understand what “define” means since she only got one out of four right.

Melinda and Rachelle, AKA The Diamond Dolls, are sadly also there. These two are the professional pageant ladies with mom coming in second in her first pageant at the age of 6, and Rachelle taking first runner-up at age 15. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Dang, honey. Close those lips.

Rachelle is a very typical pageant queen: tall, blond and pretty (Hollis hates her), and mom is the same, although older with a raging Patricia Arquette snaggletooth. We find out that this pageant is really important to them because Melinda had a kidney transplant two years ago, and Rachelle had to drop out of school to take care of her. With the money they’re sure to win from this pageant, Melinda can get her tooth fixed and Rachelle can resume studying poise at The Vanessa Williams College of Pageantry and Pornography where their motto is “the Vanessa Williams from Ugly Betty, not Melrose Place. That’s Vanessa L. Williams. I’m the one that used to sing. Remember the song at the end of Priscilla Queen of the Desert? That was me. I’m famous! I’m on TV every week. Ever heard of ABC, jackass?” It’s written on a very large plaque at the school’s entrance.

Moya and Jenileigh also have a sob story since Jenileigh’s dad died in a helicopter crash last year causing the mother/daughter team to lose their house. Not financially, the keys were in his pocket. Jenileigh is the current Miss Wyoming, which means absolutely nothing since she beat out an elk and Robert Redford’s 55-year-old daughter for the title. They call themselves the Daredevil Divas since Jenileigh is an aerialist and Moya does the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen every Sunday.

Can’t get into our post office box, either.

Not to be forgotten are Jill and Nicole. Jill looks like a poor man’s Jane Seymour and Nicole is just smokin’ hot. If this pageant were judged on looks alone, like job interviews, evening news personalities and which one of your sister’s kids you like the best, this team should win. They name themselves the Sassy Sisters partially because they look so much alike and partially after one of Nicole’s favorite magazine covers featuring Zac Effron.

Angela and Tanea are Team Skin Deep. They walk onstage and tell the judges their name before busting a move and breaking into a rap they wrote especially for the event. Oh, I get it. They’re black. One of the judges questions the team name, Skin Deep, mentioning that it usually means shallow. They don’t get it. Point taken. Moving on.

Pamela and Felicia are the stock diamonds in the rough, AKA full of inner beauty, AKA ugly girls. Pamela shows up to the luncheon with her hair in Princess Leia balls and both mother and daughter pig out on the cupcakes provided. They deem themselves the Tomboy Queens since Felicia still has testicular remnants from when her parents chose to raise her as a girl. When they introduce themselves to the judges, they are asked to think about their appearance a little more since inner beauty is all well and good but it doesn’t convey on television unless you’re The King of Queens.

What? I’m on a break!

Andrea and Amanda want to call themselves the Lean Queens but Amanda doesn’t like that since all beauty pageant contestants are lean. Momma Andrea looks over at Pamela and says, “not everybody.” If this were a horror movie these two would be the first to go since the fatty mockers never make it past the first act. Ironically, neither do the fatties.

These two call themselves competitive fighters and claim they are in it to win it. While at the lunch Amanda whispers to her mother that she doesn’t want to share what their talent will be so they can have the element of surprise on their side when they bring out their donkey from Tijuana. Amanda says the line that’s the bane of my reality TV existence: “I’m not here to make friends. I’m here to win.” People who say that never win unless they’re a scrawny two-timing skank on Big Brother.

The two decide to name their team the Reigning A’s, and when they introduce themselves to the judges they sound more like the Reigning A-holes, going on and on and on about how much they deserve to win. As they are leaving the stage Carson calls them boring, and a nifty editing trick makes it look like they heard him. Oooh, fake drama.

How many wrists need to be sympathizing with testicular cancer in one show?

Ada and Christina fill in the douchey scud quota for the show. Christina is a wild girl with a tattoo and Ada is the mom who went on Sally Jessie once to send her daughter to boot camp. These two bicker a lot while rehearsing and Christina’s brainwashing at the Wild Girls Club didn’t really take since she’s a total beyotch to her mom the entire time.

Bam! Bam Bam Bam!

They name themselves Hot and Not since Christina feels she is beautiful and her mom is obviously repulsive. While on stage to introduce themselves, Ada forgets one of her lines and Christina just stands frozen with fear, wearing a joker smile the entire time. After the awkward speech, Christina begins to cry gently, saying she’s weeping because she just loves her mom so much, before giving her mom a robotic hug, all the while checking to make sure the judges eyes and the cameras are on her.

Anette and Alana agonize over their team name for quite some time. They want a name that represents their education, lack of experience in the pageant world but desire to learn, and the fact that they are a threat in this competition. Annette is a lawyer and Alana is a college student so no doubt these two will be able to decipher a name that encompasses all of these facets of their personalities and will instill fear in the hearts of the other pageanteers. Ladies and gentleman, I present to you team “Silent But Deadly.” This name was only their fourth choice after names “Brown and Chunky,” “Skid Marks” and “Oh God I think I Crapped My Pants” were all nixed.

The one who smelt it dealt it.

After each team has been introduced to the judges, they are brought back on stage so that one of the teams can be desashed with the ceremonial, bejeweled desashing scissors. The Blond Bombshells, The Reigning As and Dreamgals are all called to the front of the stage. The Dreamgals are told that they were the top scorers so they are safe, until heart disease tracks them down. The Blond Bombshells are asked to pick up the ceremonial desashing scissors causing them to hang their head in shame.

Upon watching this I thought it was a really stupid idea to give the losers of the week a sharp pair of scissors. Can you imagine what happened if this was the case when Omorosa got the boot? Anyway, there’s a sudden twist and the Blond Bombshells are told to desash the Reigning A’s. Amanda and Andrea lose their sash and sent packing leaving only 488 women left in this competition.

And now I have to kill you.

What did you think? Do you think everyone will get along and stay up late doing each other’s hair and talking about boys? Have you ever seen a reality show in your life? Come on! There’s going to be cat fights, name calling and a dramatic episode where one of these women is rushed to the hospital. I would like to ask you two things: 1) Call

SC JOHNSON GLADE at 1- 800 494 -4855 and say: My name is ________________. I am a consumer calling to tell you that I support the TV writers in their ongoing dispute with the television networks. I regret to to inform you that I am no longer comfortable using, buying, or recommending SC Johnson Glade products due to your company’s continued financial support of the networks by paying them for television ad time. Thank you.

The call is free and will only take two minutes of your time. We already know it is making a difference.

Once you’ve called, please forward this message to anyone and everyone you know who watches television or movies. The strike is hurting everyone. Writers. Actors. Crew Members. Recappers. Homeless people. Presidents. Garbage men. Everyone who lives and works in or near Hollywood. Help all of them have a Happy Holiday Season. The strike needs to end. Help us. Make the call.

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