Poor Daisy. Won’t someone love her? Why, oh why must they make the poor girl cry? Is there no God? Is he just testing our heroine to see if she is worthy of our adoration? Because adore her we do. Not quite as much as the guy in the opening sequence with the bottle of lotion on his nightstand but I’m just speaking for myself.
The hangover morning has barely started and 12 Pack is already bitching and moaning about Brooklyn and his lies about his girlfriend back home. The little scene between he and Flex seems so staged that all I can do is roll my eyes.
On the other hand, even Brooklyn agrees with them. He packed his bags before the last elimination. And when a classy stripper type like Tool Box says that he has no respect for you, you’d best head back to mama’s basement and take those beatings that your girlfriend has ready for you. Hmmmm. Is his girlfriend that Kenley chick from Project Runway? Cause that would be AWESOME! He seems the pussy whipped type.
12 Pack throws something in his general direction because he’s such a hard ass and not a passive aggressive famewhore, not at all. He misses, of course and slinks off to tend to his chin strap facial hair before the challenge which is written out on a piece of paper in some middle school slut’s diary.
Dear Diary, please send me a big strong man to spend my 15th minute of fame with….
As we can all see, this challenge is about protecting Daisy so why Fox brings up cow tipping I’ll never know. I think it’s safe to say that dude never finished high school, or maybe they let him graduate after he finished “beauty school” with the burnouts and homersexuals that chose the technical school over flunking out and enduring beatings.
So sad. What a waste. He should move down to Cabo or the Caribbean. He’s perfect for those two week affairs that divorcees have after the ink has dried.
This week the boys have to run a groupie obstacle course, taking a Daisy mannequin from limo to velvet rope to backstage to roadie’s ballsack, then back to limo with the evil Heather standing watch.
More man than any of these guys ever will be.
How I wish this was Heather of Love.
They will also have paintballs shot at them from strategically located sniper towers and I could have sworn that one of the sharp-shooters had long blond hair and real bullets. More wishful thinking, I guess.
Most of the guys are pissing themselves like they’re facing a real firing squad and 12 Pack does something that I have been dying to do to him since I Love New York.
It’s time for Tool Box, T.T. and Cage to pick teams and here’s how it worked out:
Orange team- Tool Box, Flex, Big Rig and Fox
Black team- Tattle Tale, Mr. Peepers (of course. we don’t want any lover’s spats later, now do we?), 12 Pack and London
Beige team- Cage, 6 Gauge, Cable Guy and last picked, Brooklyn. He is actually such a loser extraordinaire that he remarks that he wouldn’t want to pick himself either. It’s now official. If your GF doesn’t kick your ass and then dump you she’s as big a loser as you are. I mean, what kind of girl goes out with such a spineless punk? That’s right. The kind that enjoys beating men.
I hear that Leatherface is free!
Daisy comments that they look like they’re wearing prison jumpsuits which is really hot to her since it reminds her of her first time, which is so Keyuuuuuuuute! And they’re off…..paintballs are flying, men are actually screaming in pain and Riki Fonzarelli laughs his ass off the entire time. The point of this excercise is to keep the Daisy mannequin as intact as possible with as few paint marks as possible, so why Fox decides to use it as a shield is painfully obvious. Number one- he is a complete pussy and doesn’t really care who knows, and number two- he has to protect that pretty, pretty face of his. Sadly, no amount of pretty is going to keep this guy from looking like an utter tool. I think that Daisy should just boink him and then dump him. He’s no doubt used to it.
Almost as lifelike as Daisy.
Most of the guys do really bad, losing her limbs, falling on her and in one case breaking her into a million pieces. The black team (oh, so sinister!!) does the best job, so they win. That’s right, the skinny team that 12 Pack was praying he wouldn’t end up on, came out ahead. Mr. Peepers interviews that they couldn’t have done it without TT, then sucks on his balls for a while, rolls them around in his mouth, savors it, and swallows.
Seriously, I am not even joking when I say that I think that they’re in love with each other. Or maybe it’s just Mr. Peepers and his unrequited love. And stay tuned folks, it’s going to keep getting creepier.
They are going to have a night out on the town with Tattle Tale getting some alone time with Daisy in the VIP room but not before Brooklyn tells Daisy right in front of everybody that he’s still in love with his girlfriend. He essentially says that he lied the night before when she asked him if he still had a lady back home because he was drunk. Riki tears him a new one for hurting poor Daisy’s feelings and everybody piles into the limo, leaving Brooklyn standing in the dust all alone.
Better grab some of those pieces, it may be the last girl who’ll ever give you some.
It’s obvious that some themes are starting to develop here- losers who leave before they get their asses kicked, and a bunch of alcoholics that should probably get a head start on that liver transplant waiting list.
Cut to everybody doing shots in the limousine and Brooklyn getting fake shot by the snipers and it’s “aw geez” for the last time. Once again, we lose somebody early. Let’s see- five in the first week, three last week and one in the first fifteen minutes of this week. At this rate my last recap will be before Memorial Day.
Back at the McMansion of Love, girls are preening and glossing and blow drying and powdering their faces. Did I say girls? I meant boys. And that powder? It’s not coke, it’s FACE powder. Flex jokes about the amount of makeup and Axe body spray the rest of the guys are using and he becomes my new favorite when he remarks that maybe they’re all just mad at their fathers.
With any luck, these pictures should inspire someone to become a douchebag serial killer. Feel free to send them to any sociopaths you might happen to know.
You can polish a turd all you want…….
….but it’s still gonna be a turd.
Again Gasmii, help me out here. Who the fuck powders their nose?! Are reality TV lights that hot? And if so, since when is a little guy- sweat a bad thing? And why would a guy pluck his eyebrows? I get it if you have a unibrow or one or two strays that stick out but anything more is incredibly repulsive. I have some drag queen friends who don’t even go to these lengths.
On my to- do list: making fun of every guy I come into contact with who has spent more time on his physical appearance than I have. We as Americans must make a stand and send the message that the pussification of men will not be tolerated. On the other hand, it does make assholes easier to spot. Can we at least get a congressional edict isolating douchebags by limiting them to the Jersey shore and Vegas nightclubs? It would be a start.
Four hours later (getting douched up is hard work) everybody arrives at the club. Daisy dumps TT in the empty VIP section and tells him that she has to use the Ladies’ Room. That bathroom must have come equipped with an Exstacy dispenser because she proceeds to make out with every guy who breathes in her general direction.
For example: Big Rig is boring her with some Tony Robbins- style bullshit personal success speech which is just another way to excuse his pathetic station in life, when Flex comes over and starts making out with her over the back of the banquette. Right in his face. Nice cock block. I looooove it.
And this is how I met your mother.
It’s 6 Gauge’s turn to laugh at Big Rig which inspires the good old boy to chase Daisy down and face rape her. It’s scary to watch. This dude has date rapist written all over him. Did you see the way he tried to swallow her face? It was like watching snake enjoy his bunny dinner.
I wonder if he can unhinge his jaw too.
I have to give Daisy some props here for wearing sunglasses. It hides the dialated X eyes and makes the tools she’s kissing more blurry and less repulsive. Girl came prepared.
It begins to dawn on Fox that he may have made a bad impression earlier when he used the Daisy mannequin to keep his smooth, olive, good looking skin welt free so he takes her outside for a smoke and a chat. Instead of starting the conversation with “Do you need a light?” He starts it with “Being a good looking guy….” My crotch just switched to hibernate. How can a hairdresser be so clueless as to how to speak to women? Does he cut only men’s hair? No. I’m going to go back to the bimbo argument. He’s just simply dumb.
So, he says that he’s not used to having to fight for a girl’s attention, being a good looking guy and all. He’s used to girls coming to HIM. Of course you are, Fox. And then they sit in your chair in the back of Best Cuts and tip you five bucks on their way out.
Daisy is having trouble understanding why Fox would be bothered by her making out with ten other guys (scratch that- it’s nine. TT is still cooling his heels alone in the VIP room. Loser.) since that’s what any relationship with Daisy is going to consist of anyway. It’s the m.o. of every “_____ of Love” show. You, as a contestant, get rewarded for your willingness to share the bodily fluids of complete strangers with reality show stardom. That’s the way that God intended it. I think it’s the eleventh commandment or something.
Nothing gets resolved because their combined stupidity has sucked all the remaining oxygen out of the air, or maybe that was the hairspray, so they head back inside before Hazmat has to come in and start evacuating everyone in a five block radius.
Must. have. tongue. down. throat.
Is there a course at the New School on how to compete in a reality program? Because Cable needs to sign up for that class. After Riki tells him that he’s not trying hard enough he confesses that there is no way in hell that he could fall in love with daisy in three weeks. You dumbass! You don’t tell WeHo Fonz, the guy who whispers in Daisy’s ear every night, that you just ain’t that into her!! And three weeks?! I’ll be surprised if he lasts another episode with the rate they’re getting rid of guys on this show.
It’s time to learn something new. When Tool Box drinks, Tool Box is not exactly completely absolutly for sure straight. He begins to use the word ‘bromance’ too much and hugs everything with a penis. When that fails, he just picks them up.
Poor Fox. That’s what what you get for “being so good looking” around Tool Box.
After one of the producers fetches TT from the VIP room they head back to the house for more drinking. Nobody pees on camera, for a change, but Tool Box gets drunker by the second. He admits that he could care less about Daisy just in case the rest of the guys didn’t get the hint when he tried to kiss them, and that he’s only on the show so that he can get a boost in his career in Vegas.
Now make out with me, G.
Flex confesses that he’s going to rat him out and I’m not going to give him as much grief as I gave TT because the dude is gross. He’s a buck toothed rooster who spends half his life on a Bowflex. He probably smells like the Malibu rum and protein powder that he whips up in his blender every morning. As big of a drunk as Weasel was, this guy puts him to shame. Classic case of a binge drinker. If anyone in this guy’s life loves him, get him an intervention STAT.
The next day is a body painting, Champagne swilling date with the entire black team taking turns with Daisy. Mr Peepers says that he hopes this involves a lot of touching since there are parts of TT’s body that he hasn’t explored yet. I hope that London paints CLOSET CASE on his back.
12 Pack is up first and he repeats that he has been cheated on but he’s never cheated and then they make out. It’s about as sexy as watching your grandma hang her support hose on the shower rod in the bathroom. Aw geez, he’s such a bad actor.
TT goes next and says in interviews that not confronting Daisy for ditching him at the club was “the rock star thing to do.” Aw geez again. How about you don’t wait there like you’re pussy whipped before you even get any? Even my neighbor’s one eyed brain damaged dachsund know that that’s not the rock star thing to do. I shouldn’t be so harsh. Maybe TT was run over by a car too.
They paint each other and since they are such similar sizes they look like weird tattooed twinsies.
“I can’t tell where my douchiness starts and your whoriness ends!”
They paint each other and then kiss with Mr. Peepers watching their every move. He is skeeving me out. Gross, dude. If it’s hard to watch your roommate making out with someone else than look away, for goodness sake. I feel like he’s taking notes and I’m not sure if he wants to be his friend or Daisy.
When it’s his time with her, he tries way to hard, puts his hands all over her, squeezes her with a little too much force and basically comes off as a total perv.
Good lord, you’d think there was a banana in there or something.
Which makes it so much easier for London to work his magic. I don’t know how he does it but London has that gift that some bad boys have of making his messed up life attractive. He tells her that he doesn’t have his life together like some of the other guys do and it’s kind of refreshing after all the guys who have just been feeding her lines. They share some cigarette kisses and it is romantic in a Sid and Nancy way. Good for him. Fox should be sitting there with a notepad, jotting down his every move and word.
I’m starting to feel that eliminating more than one person per week is a damn good idea because Daisy gives Cable Guy and Tool Box one more chance to impress her and they both fail miserably.
Cable says that he’s not going to crawl over other guys to get to her because he’s shy. Shy and lame are not the same thing, buddy. Daisy tells him that she’s actually really shy too. I just have to ask- about what, exactly? Do clothes make you shy? Books? Sobriety? It certainly doesn’t begin with a D and end in a K.
Tool Box does the only thing he knows how to do in order to keep from being sent home. Strip. He humps her leg, shakes his ass and then the piece de resistance:
I have a feeling that Daisy’s seen worse.
After that disgusting display, Daisy clears her palate with spit trail kisses from Flex. Not sexy. It’s not as bad as those spit trails Jenna Jameson used to do during her illustrious porn career but it’s still sloppy and gross. He tells her not to waste her kisses on the other guys and then Fox walks up. It must be close to elimination time because he puts his arm around her awkwardly several times, making a last ditch effort to keep his ass on TV and not back at the strip mall doing wash-n-curls on 70 year old ladies.
Sure enough, we are back in the elimination room. God, it must reek in there. No wonder Riki Fonzarelli looks so fed up all the time. He has to breathe in their second hand Jager breath every single day. He gives them his “don’t hurt Daisy” speech and she gives the first star chain to Flex. Then TT, London, 6 gauge, 12 Pack, Big Rig, Cage and Mr. Peepers.
That leaves Fox, which being such a good looking guy must be hard for him, Tool Box and Cable Guy. She saves Fox first and tells him not to be such a cocky asshole while porn music plays in the background. It’s funny how he went from front runner to bottom three in record time. Step up your game, Foxtard, you two could populate a whole reality show with your sexy dumb children. Please don’t deprive the world of such a beautiful thing. Tvgasm would have to shut down and nobody wants that.
She sends Cable Guy packing because he can’t keep up with her. He’s the Jazz Channel and she’s a Rock Station, a port in every STD storm. Can’t say that I’m going to miss him. My hamster has more personality and he’s been dead for thirty years.
So two guys are gone already this week and it ain’t over yet. Flex calls out Tool box for what he said when he was drunk and on the verge of coming out of the closet, and Big Rig backs him up.
Okay. Who here hasn’t made out with Tool Box.
There’s really no way to get out of this situation gracefully but you can get out of it truthfully. Tool Box tells her that he wants to be there but he’s “not that guy,” whatever that means. Maybe I misheard and he said that she’s not that guy, I’m not sure. In any case, she sends him home and poof! Three guys gone this week. It’s a Daisy of Love bloodbath. There are only nine guys left after three episodes and I’m not sure that anyone who is left is worth a crap. Maybe Flex? Nobody is truly boyfriend material. Bangable, sure, but not worthy of being brought home to meet Uncle Oscar. Bunch of losers. Who else thinks that a Daisy of Love 2 is already pretty much guaranteed?
Poor little Daisy. She spazzes out a bit, doesn’t feel like anyone truly wants to be there and goes to her room to cry. I feel you, honey, and I’m crying right along with you. Another hour of my life down the drain, and nothing but a bedside bucket full of vomit to show for it.
Which is one thing Riki and I have in common.
Sorry for the lateness again but between hockey and basketball, this has been one of the best sports weeks ever, plus my dog ate the DVR. She thought she was doing me a favor.
And will someone please explain to me what the attraction is with these gross douchebags, have any of you ever dated anyone like this? Or have any of you gone through a manscaping bandana wearing phase? I’m dying to know.
Love and kisses,