Daisy of Love: I’m A Liar, Not A Fighter

Let’s see. It’s been two weeks since we last met and we are down to seven guys. A pierced up ex- stripper, a personal trainer smart ass, a famewhore, a good old boy, an annoying tattooed midget, his pining lover and the only person on the planet to get a negative score on his SATs. And today they will be beating the crap out of each other. There is a God!

It’s not a good thing for Flex, though. Geez, that hand is in nasty shape. It looks like his entire hand has leprosy or something.

He doesn’t want to get hurt anymore and I have a suggestion. STOP DRINKING 24/7 AROUND DOUCHEBAGS. Sorry for the yelling but for goodness sake, you wouldn’t have burns or twisted ankles if you didn’t get trashed and provoke people, then decide to put a crazy person in a headlock.
He’s fine, anyway. He just likes to bitch and moan.

6 Gauge finds a bunch of boxing/fighting gear from Tap Out (what a dumb name. who wants to tap out of a fight?) in the hallway and grabs the Daisy diary to read to the other guys. Did you watch him walk down the hall, by the way? It’s like he’s carrying a watermelon between his legs. Or a gourd. Or my birthday present. Or all of the above.

The diary says that Daisy thinks that they need to blow off some steam so they need to take out their piercings, put on their cups and get ready for Riki Fonzerelli to laugh at them, because you know that’s pretty much guaranteed.

Mr. Peepers is super duper excited because he’s been training for an entire year! Wow, Peepers! I’m so proud of you. Really, I am, but I hate to break it to you but playing Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots in your grandma’s basement with your nine year old cousin doesn’t really count as training.

TT is a weenie. Yeah, he’s the smallest guy there. Yeah, he’s got zero muscle tone. Yes, the last time he got excercise was carrying his guitar case and hoisting it into the back of a rusted out Econoline van. But most of all, he has to learn how to fight from Peepers. Dude, you cannot sink any lower.

I must admit that I got pretty excited when Peeps took TT back to their room and told him that he’d give him pointers as he removed his pants. Finally, a truly romantic moment in a decidedly unromantic show, especially for one that has the word ‘Love’ in the title.

Alas, it wasn’t that kind of pointer. TT does a lame kick in the general direction of Peepers’ crotch, saying that kicking in the balls is basically his entire strategy. Then he puts on his gear and complains to the other guys that the cup goes from his belly button all the way back to his asshole. And those shorts, they hang down past his knees. He is sooo tiny that I’ve lost all sense of proprtion.

On the way into the limo Flex tells TT, “Ladies first,” and you have to wonder if all this teasing isn’t wearing the ambiguously gay duo down a bit. Flex never lets up. It’s his strategy to intimidate and emasculate and I bet that he’s been doing it his whole life, he’s so good at it.

At the gym Daisy and Riki Fonzarelli tell the boys that they will be fighting each other in weight class based cage matches. For the first time in weeks there is a sparkle in Riki’s eyes. He cannot wait to see these guys go at it. He introduces the trainer guy who informs them that getting hit in the face really, really hurts.

Have you ever gotten your nose broken? If so, you know that it hurts like hell. I’ve had mine broken twice. The first time was in the second grade. My birthday is in August but my elementary school celebrated everyone’s b-day that had fallen in the summer with a big party in the first week of school. Some kid on the playground had a crush on me and was trying to get my attention by screaming my name when ever he made a basket. I ignored him until he threw the basketball in my face. Thus began the first of many balls to hit my noggin, zing! Moving on….

There are two EMTs standing by, just in case someone gets hurt, or the more likely scenario, “dehydration.” The winner gets the usual, a date with the blow-up doll. The losers get an even bigger prize- another day with no STDs.

Here is how the fights break down:

Mr. Peepers vs. Fox with the winner fighting TT.

Big Rig vs. 12 Pack

Flex vs. 6 Gauge, whom Flex refers to as “Frankenpenis.” Oh, joy.

The midget weenie weight class is up first and am I supposed to take these heights seriously? Fox is 5’11″? In what universe?
And yeah, sure, Mr Peepers is my height. Ha!

They go at it for a little bit and Fox actually puts up a bit of a fight. I thought he was going to win when he dropped Peepers on to the mat but he says that he got squeezed too hard by him. I bet. Once again, these guys’ vices bite them in the ass. Dude, if you didn’t smoke ten packs a day maybe you wouldn’t have to tap out because Peepers hugged you too tightly. Wimp.

Here comes the fun fight. Big Rig is an MMA fighter, whatever that is, so he’s fixin’ to whoop some serious butt. 12 Pack wrestled for years and now coaches kids (how cute is that!), so these two can actually do some damage. And damage they do. 12 Pack starts out with the upper hand, getting Big Rig on the ground with his legs but Big Rig manages to get out of it, 12′s helmet goes flying and a fist lands right in 12′s kisser. Hilarious. Love it.

They stop to put his helmet back on and pick up exactly where they left off with Big Rig pummeling the shit out of 12 Pack. 12 taps out and hugs Big Rig and the big sweaty good old boy gives Daisy a nasty kiss. Shiver. I’m still getting a weird desperate date rapist vibe from him. I’m not the only one, right?

I’m expecting Flex and 6 gauge to put on an equally good show but Flex goes straight for 6′s legs, face in crotch, I might add, and takes him out in 39 seconds. Oh well, we still have one fight left. Prepare yourself, Gasmii. It’s cage fighting, if all the fighters were built like Pee Wee Herman.

Daisy asks Fonzi if Peepers is going to take it easy on TT because they’re freinds and he informs her that they are no longer as close as they were when they got there. And it’s all her fault! She is tearing apart the romance of the century! Will they try to break the sexual tension by beating the crap out of each other? Will there be tears and reconsiliation? I’m dying here!

Mr. Peepers totally starts out taking a dive. He won’t throw any punches in answer to TT’s lame jabs and when he finally gets sick of the hits, he picks TT up and lays him on the ground like the big baby he is. LAME!

When TT gets back up he lands a decent punch and almost knoocks Peepers out. Oopsy, that wasn’t supposed to happen. So Peepers resorts to a position I’m sure these two are very familiar with and chokes him out.

Poor TT is looking a little green around the gills, maybe it was his first anal? He’s used to being the top, doncha know. They hug it out afterwards so he must have enjoyed it a little.

Big Rig gets named MVP so he gets a private lap dance or whatever skankitude Daisy dreams up this week, and she says that even though he lost, TT gets to go with the other two winners on another date. Say what? I wish the producers would quit messing with us. There’s a formula to this, I tell you! Rules that must be followed, a sense of fairness to be upheld. Oh well, not so much.

They get back to the Yack Castle and poor 12 Pack thinks that his nose is broken. Poor baby. That reminds me, here’s how my nose got busted the second time around. I was in Cape Cod for a wedding, my boyfriend got trashed at the rehearsal dinner after party and when we went to sleep he decided to do a backwards swan dive onto the bed. Did I say bed? I meant my face. I went to the wedding the next day with a fabulously swollen honker, wouldn’t let anyone take my picture and told perfect strangers that he hit me. It was a blast. So suck it up, pretty boy.

It’s time for Big Rig and Daisy’s date (rape) and she got a lovely bubble bath waiting for them. He skeeves her out by saying that he’s falling in love with her and then gives her a picture of his son. To keep. That is beyond creepy. He might as well have put a damn ring on the poor girl’s finger or threatened to kill himself if she doesn’t pick him. Stalk much, dude? Yuck. I couldn’t even watch when they were making out, it was so skeevy.

Meanwhile, fox continues to wow with his brilliant intellect and observational skills. The guys are ragging him for being such a pussy and he asks them, “Does Johnny Depp have to fight for a woman?” Dude, you are NOT Johnny Depp. You may use a lot of Dep when you are putting curlers in old ladies’ hair, but you are no Captain Jack, assclown. So sit down, shut up and look pretty.

You know what he suggests they do so that he can prove his manhood? PLAY PING PONG. That’s right, the manly sport of effeminate Chinese virgins who wear kneesocks and moose knuckle shorts that were cool in the seventies. Ugh.

Daisy comes down from her date and decides to have a chat with 6 Gauge, preparing us for his eventual elimination. Not spoiling anything, am I? The conversation revolves around the different experiences they had as strippers, so put on your thinking caps, this is genius level stuff, Gasmii.

He tries to explain to her that in order to make money as a male stripper, one must go the extra mile and text the ladies, call them and show a little more effort if you want to earn that coin. I get it, I have zero problem with it. Women need more attention as a rule and we deserve it. But then again, take my opinion with a grain of salt because I also beleive that prostitution should be legalized and that I should be able to show my tits on any beach of my choosing.

Daisy has a major problem with his experience, basically calls him a gigilo and informs him that in her days on the pole she was solely an “entertainer.” She calls him desperate. Really? Wow. Hypocrite much? That was a doozy.

We’re six weeks into this show and the cast is dwindling so it’s alliance time. Flex and 12 Pack have hatched a plan to seperate the ambiguously gay duo. It’s the same old- same old. Bash them and watch the whiney bitches destroy themselves.

They tell TT that Mr. Peepers is a brown noser and that if he were their best friend, there’s no way in hell they’d lose a chick to the guy. It totally works. What a dumbass. He goes off and tells Peepers that he is his competition and poor Peepers says that he’d never let a gurl come between them. Awwwww. He wants to get rid of the other guys first. Whatev. Good luck with that.

The date for Flex, TT and Peeps is tattoos for everybody! Yay! Because there’s nothing like making a snap decision when it comes to permanently inking up your body. This is what Daisy wants:

This is what Daisy gets:

Peeps asks TT what he’s going to get and he tell him that he is going to get lips like the Daisy kiss that she chose. So, what does that weaselly little fuck do? Steals the idea from TT and tells Dasiy that he wants her lips tattooed on him. Asshole. TT decides to get “chinister” tattooed on his wrist and Flex is the only sensible one because he gets one of his old tatts cleaned up a bit. By the way, Daisy makes out with Flex and Mr. Peepers but not TT. Ha, ha.

Also, aren’t you NOT supposed to drink when getting inked. I’m asking you, when do these guys not drink? When they’re sleeping?

I have one tattoo, a tramp stamp of The Three Stooges, and I was sober and only one teeny tiny drop of blood was spilled. I was terrified that the needle would touch my skin and hello, hemophilia. I did get wasted afterwards. Duh.

There’s a charming little Flex instigated conversation about how the duo will feel if one of them wins Daisy Duck’s heart and the other has to stand by and watch. All I can say is, in what parallel universe will this be happening, Flex? Neither one of them has a snowball’s chance in hell of getting anywhere near that coochie. We all know how this is going to end. Riki Fonzarelli is going to carry her off into the sunset after she picks 12 Pack but discovers that he can only get it up for Flex. (or Heather)

Any way, Peeps says that all he wants is for her to be happy (barf) and TT says that if she picks Peepers he will go on a drinking binge. So will half of the people who watch this, no doubt. After they wipe the vomit off their chins.
Flex says that Daisy should have gotten Peep’s nose tattooed on her ass which is fine with me, and by the way, when does his stand-up career begin? That’s why he’s on this show, right? His sick of training fat midwesterners at Fitworks and wants to make a name for himself on the Doug Stanhope/Lisa Lampanelli circuit. Good luck, Flex. Maybe Flipit will let you warm up by recapping The Hills now that O Snapp is gone.

In the kitchen, 6 Gauge is making a last ditch effort to impress Daisy by putting a bunch of roses on a platter. 12 asks him if they’re for pretty little Fox. Tee hee. Speaking of Fox, the phone rings and it’s his brother. He tells him that someone (producer #2) called his girlfriend Wolverina (is that a code word or is she a hairy adamantium clawed beast? Beast, I hope) and told her that he was there. Yay, big trouble for little shit-for-brains. Cannot wait. Now you know that she’s going to keep him around. WE MUST MEET WOLVERINA! I’m rubbing my hands together with glee.

Fox runs off and tells 12 Pack about this glitch in his plans right before eliminations. What a moron. He should have kept his flipping trap shut. But no, and you know that 12 is going to tell everyone so Fox trots off to tell Daisy a pack of mumbo jumbo lies that would baffle a valedictorian at MIT. My brain is hurting again. Is it okay to mainline vodka? I need to know. Right now.

He tells her that he was living with a girl right before arriving and Daisy asks if she knows that he’s there with Daisy now. Yes, no, yes? Make up your mind! He asks, “Who cares?” And I wonder the same thing. He says that he loves his “ex” but he’s not “in love” with her, same as Daisy was with her former boyfriend/roommate. Got that? No? How about I confuse you some more. Fox says that he told Daisy, “85%.2 of the information.”

Now you kids know why I drink so much. I am crying inside over the future of mankind.
Please God, let him be sterile.

Riki and Daisy have a pow-wow where Daisy tells him what Fox told her and he talls her what any sane person would tell her but she’s waffling because she likes kissing Fox and she already decided that 6 Gauge is going home so save yourself the effort, Fonzi. She ignores you every damn time anyway.

At eliminations, Fox thinks that he’ll stay because Daisy appreciated his honesty. No, Fox. You’re pretty. She’s a whore that likes pretty, sparkly shiny things. You may as well be a Hello Kitty necklace for all that you mean to her.

She gives a chain to Flex first. Did you notice? He was wearing guyliner again! He’s turning into one of THEM! Uuuuuuggghh!

12 Pack, Fox and 6 Gauge are left in the bottom three and she eventually gets rid of, ohmygodwhatashock, 6 Gauge. He cries, no doubt having been coached by a certain reality TV veteran.

Sorry so rushed this week but I have to run now, Gasmii. The RV to Bonnaroo is picking me up any minute and this Sunday I have a date to watch other people puke for a change! Yay! Have a great week, everybody, by this time tomorrow I will be knee deep in hippies.

The RV is late so here is a picture from Bonnaroo last year that I took. And no, it’s not me.

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore