Daisy of Love: The Fox And The Hounds

What a sad week. Not only are we subjected to more brain damage courtesy of Fox, but it looks as though 12 Pack isn’t packing so much.

Here’s hoping.
Whoa. My head is still spinning from the amount of gobbledeegook that spewed from Fox’s pie hole this week. I have met people approaching his level of wicked stupid before but this guy is in a league all his own. Even the sky high tripping and rolling hippies at Bonnaroo made more sense. By the way, thanks for all your well-wishes. I had a blast and I only saw one person throw up, and of course, it was on Sunday. Her mama should have told her not to mix turkey legs with Budweiser on top of peyote. That tryptophan will get you every time.

We begin in the hot tub this week with Daisy lighting Fox’s cigarette. Keep smoking, Einstein. With any luck you’ll get throat cancer and we’ll never have to hear your voice again. Oh wait, I take that back. He’ll probably survive the chemo and get one of those voice boxes which will make him twice as annoying! There’s no winning with this guy.

Daisy asks the group in general if any of them have girlfriends back home, they all say that they are single and we are subjected to more weird math from Fox.

TT has had enough of this crap so he scurries off to his room to throw in that DVD of his granddad in the Wizard of Oz for the thousandth time. That musical talent of his, where does it come from, you ask? Two words- Lollipop Guild.

Everybody else is left in the hot tub watching Daisy make out with Fox and the animosity that is brewing with these guys is palpable. I’m surprised that one of them hasn’t messed him up yet. It’s got to be so frustrating to sit by while some pretty boy with peanut butter for brains is getting all the action. And there’s that tiny little matter that he has a girl friend.

I mean, I guess that any one of these guys could have a chick waiting for them back home. They’re all here for the fame anyway, but at least they’re smart enough not to let that information come out. If they don’t have a girlfriend, or they gave someone the heave-ho to be here, they have got to be super pissed. Which they are. Especially the big muscular guys. Yay! Just don’t hit the pretty face, please.

Daisy decides to cook breakfast for the boys the next morning in her bestest homemaker outfit, i.e; a Frederick’s of Hollywood french maid costume.

Her pancakes are mostly chocolate chips, she burns the living daylights out of them and for once I agree with TT. They look absolutely disgusting.

There are no challenges this week if you don’t count the Herculean task of understanding Fox, so Daisy decides to spend time hanging out with the guys. Since 12 Pack got his ass handed to him last week and was such a good sport about it, she takes him on a field trip to a lingerie store.

When they enter the store I was under the impression that the limo did a u-turn back to Daisy’s bedroom, it looked the same to me. Trashy and garish, and now that I’ve seen what 12 Pack is missing, not so sexy anymore. I’m sad but they can make it up to me.

Oh, and gasmii, did you happen to see the nude pictures of 6 Gauge that popped up on the internet while I was gone? Looks like his mom’s OB-GYN tippled a drop too much Schnapps before circumcising the guy. His wang looked like one of my puppy’s chew toys. So, more sadness. Sigh.

Back in the changing room at the lingerie store Daisy is feeling frisky and helps 12 Pack remove his undies. She must be as unimpressed as I was because she laughs her ass off after she gets him naked. I hope for his sake that her vision isn’t 20/20 and that lingerie stores have mirrors like magnifying glasses.

At the Yack Castle, Mr. Peepers and TT are brainstorming a way to get rid of somebody and things aren’t going too well until the phone rings. It’s another one of Fox’s friends on the line. It turns out that dumbass/rocks for brains has been receiving a ton of phone calls from his friends, dawgs, gangstas, etc, and a light bulb goes on in Peeper’s brain. He decides that the next time someone calls for Fox they should answer the phone first and tell the caller that Fox has told Daisy the truth, that he has a girlfriend and get more information from his friends.

TT decides not to wait for this idea to come to fruition so he puts his own plan into action. He strews rose petals from the front door, up the stairs and all the way to Daisy’s bedroom door. His mission is to woo her with a song that he has written for her, thereby winning her heart. I hope she’s a fan of The Lullaby League. We already know that she likes nursury rhymes.

Daisy and 12 Pack arrive home and find the trail of petals which 12 thinks are meant for him and Daisy to continue their date into the night. They traipse up the stairs and he says that he’s feeling good in his “size zero women’s panties.” Oh geez, dude. Size zero? Women’s? Did you have to say that? There is no way a normal frank and beans are going to fit into those so miniscule hamster cocklet confirmed. NOW who am I supposed to root for? I need Heather’s phone number to find out if he’s a grower of World Record proportions. Then maybe there’s some hope.

Daisy kisses 12 Ain’t Packin’ goodbye and sits down for one of the most pathetic renditions of any song ever written in the history of crappy songs sung by untalented dudes who can afford a guitar. TT messes up a couple of times, has to start over again, can’t remember the words HE wrote and is basically a nervous wreck. Wow, maybe he really does like her. And that song, it seems so familiar…..

She sits there all moonie eyed and I’m confused for a moment until I realize that she’s really thinking about someone else:

So it’s just as well that he leaves so that she can get ready for her next date. Oh, and that kiss they shared? My least favorite after the tongue diver- the smotherer:

He tells Flex and Big Rig that he blew it, that he was too nervous and that his heart was beating a mile a minute. That NEVER happens to him, even that one time he played in front of 20,000 people at the Calhoun County Fair and Pig Roast, and you know that those people are as picky about their music as they are about their moonshine.

12 Pack is trashed. Unable to speak or communicate trashed. What he is able to do is dance around like a male stripper, and try to balance himself on the metal bars that make up the foot of his bed. He then falls flat on his back sleeping. And I checked- still no discernable package. Shouldn’t his balls be poking out at least? This is a mystery. It’s turning into The Famous Missing Penis Case of 2009. I need to contact those milk carton people.

Fox, Mr. Peepers and Big Rig are invited to a yummy spaghetti dinner with Daisy and Riki Fonzarelli. That’s spaghetti, right? It reminds me of the kind the Girl Scouts used at their Halloween parties to simulate intestines. It was always next to the hard boiled egg eyeballs and the Jell-O heart and it looks like Daisy’s chef used the same fine ingredients that they did.

Geez, by the way Big Rig tears into it, it could be ketchup and egg noodles and he still wouldn’t care.

The table is finally set for Fox to go down since Flex and Peepers are hanging by the phone and this cozy little dinner is being held only a couple of rooms away. Congrats, producers. You have done it again.

I actually had a teeny weeny scare when the phone rang and Flex informed whoever was on the other end that Big Rig was on a date. I thought for a second that we were going to have a bait-and-switch situation where it turns out that our good old boy is still date raping his baby mama and Fox’s drama gets shoved under the rug. Phew.

Back at the last supper, Riki is asking the guys questions and Peepers says that he wants what is best for Daisy AGAIN. Oy. Riki rolls his eyes and Fox calls him an ass kisser. He also says that Peeps shouldn’t be with Daisy because they don’t “look good together.” Wait a minute. I agree with that, sure, but could the man be any more shallow? Think it all you want but for Pete’s sake don’t say it out loud. I sooo wanted Riki Fonzarelli to reach across the table and whack him on the mouth like my Italian grandfather used to.

Poor Peepers, all he can say is that he fucking hates Fox. Don’t worry, little friend. Revenge for him calling you a weenie is just around the corner. By the way, this whole time Big Rig has been keeping his mouth full of beefaroni and downing Champagne by the gallon. He is obviously one of those guys who shoves his anger down until it explodes. He is also about to be reality TV gold.

Ring! Ring! Why, it’s for Daniel (Fox)! Who could it be? His mommy? His face powder supplier? One of his proffessors at Oxford? Oh dear, it’s his girlfriend. Uh oh!

She sounds like she’s about 15 years old and maybe she is because what woman in her right mind would allow herself to be called his girlfriend? Fuck buddy, sure. GF, no way.

Flex runs into the dining room to get Daisy. Brilliant. She’s reluctant to leave such stimulating company like wily Fox, weenie Peepers and simmering Big Rig but she manages to pull herself away and pick up the phone. She looks totally confused.

Here’s what ‘Jenna’ tells Daisy: she is still Fox’s girlfriend, they still live together and he told her that he was leaving to appear on some hair styling show.
Something tells me that Fox is about to be styling hair single very soon.

Flex and TT are jumping for joy in the background as Daisy asks Jenna if she would like to speak to Fox. Would she. Would she ever.
When Daisy goes to get Fox, he keeps right on spewing lies. “It’s a friend that happens to be a girl,” and “of course girls call me, I’m a hairdresser.” That kind of crap. And didn’t you just love, love, love it when Riki called him a dick? Awesome. Riki deserves his own show. I could watch him for hours. Maybe he could do a reality show where he reforms douchebags. You agree, Gasmii? Can I get an Amen in here?

Before Fox can even get to the phone there is another amazing scene where Flex is packing his bags for him. That has got to be a first. He also says that if Fox doesn’t go home, he is going to kick his ass and I beleive him. Remember Cage? It’s pretty obvious that you don’t want to be on this guy’s bad side.

Anyway, back to the phone call. He called that poor girl an asshole! What? Daisy is sitting right there, you dumbass. He tells Jenna that they are over and hangs up the phone, spreads his arms to Daisy and says, “Now we’re over.” Like that made everything okay. He’s got less brain cells than a She-Pratt AND he’s a jerk? What’s not to love? Mom will be so happy for you to bring home a guy who never got past the ‘Cat in the Hat’ books. It may just be a good thing that she doesn’t have any parents.

Daisy, being only two brain cells smarter than a She-Pratt, makes excuses for him- what if his so-called GF is a psycho? Well, she’s an idiot for dating him but she sure didn’t sound like a psycho to me.

Fox latches on to this glimmer of hope by telling her that “potentially” he could fall in love with her. Well, Fox, “potentially,” you could get your ass kicked on national TV while “potentially,” I’ll be laughing my ass off while downing a pint of Haagen Dasz. POTENTIALLY.

She runs off to her room to ask, “why me?” I’ll tell you why. Because Karma’s a bitch and you’re too freaking retarded to pick you own suitors! And if you have half a brain you are already blowing Riki Fonzarelli in that stretch Hummer you parade around in all the time and making Peepers clean the upholstery after you’re done.

Riki does come to Daisy’s defense by confronting Fox. He asks him point blank if he has a girlfriend and he says something like this, “Apparantly speaking, I didn’t live with her at the time.” WTF? WTF? WTF? He says that he doesn’t even know who was on the phone just now. Around and around in circles they go until, oopsy! Did you hear that curiously loud squishy splat sound? That was one of my last remaining brain cells committing suicide.

Flex throws water at Fox and then starts throwing pool balls. Not smart, dude. Riki tells him to cool it and not do anything to get eliminated. That’s okay because the sleeping giant has awakened.

Big Rig is like a raging bull and I honestly thought that he was going to ruin it for himself by killing Fox when the phone rings again. He marches over to him, asks if it’s his old lady on the phone again and pulls the cord out of the wall, barely spilling his beer in the process.

Did you hear Fox when the cord hit him on the back? That was the meekest “ow” ever. I rewound that scene a few times and my stomach hurt so bad from laughing it was like I’d been doing crunches with Ryan Reynolds for a week.

It’s time for the weekly Riki and Daisy pre-elim conference and he says that since it’s a moot point to talk about who she’s sending home, he’s just there to see how she’s doing. She tells him not to jump to conclusions about what she’s going to do and, oh boy, it’s freaking London all over again.

I didn’t have any respect for this girl when I started watching this show so there really isn’t any way for her to lose it now, but I was starting to feel sorry for her. The no-dad situation, the violent upbringing, the humiliation on Rock of Love. But if she doesn’t send that guy packing I am going to stop recapping this show. What’s the point? Okay, I lie. I’d stay tuned just to see one of the guys turn him into a bloody pulp but I sure wouldn’t stick up for her anymore. Enough is enough.

Riki, like me, is flabbergasted. He explains to her that the other guys seem to have real feelings for her and that this guy is a total liar. He walks out of the room none too happy and then she says something almost as dumb as some of the crap that Fox has said, “I want to fix him.”

And you deserve any unhappiness that you get. You don’t fix people. People figure stuff out on their own or they don’t figure it out at all. They do change, don’t get me wrong but dumb is forever, as the old saying goes.

I’ve got a question for you. Does anyone else watch these shows online? What are the people at VH1 blog trying to tell me with all the damn condom commercials? I guess they know their demographic. Kudos to them.

At eliminations I almost wet my pants with glee when Riki call Fox a pathetic little bitch for lying to him and Daisy. Yay, Riki! You are my hero! Unfortunately, it barely seems to register on Fox’s face that he was just owned by Daisy’s eventual husband.

Riki also calls out Flex and Big Rig for getting violent and hold up a second, is Flex wearing lip gloss this week? Dude! Stop hanging out with TT! One week it’s guyliner and the next you are wearing Wet-n-Wild hint of rose lip shine? Put down the makeup or get into full drag, it looks stupid on you.

Daisy tells the remaining six guys that the show is called Daisy of Love for a reason and she is not going to let their opinions pressure her into making a decision. Ugh, this sounds bad. I would have walked out at that very moment but these guys aren’t done milking their fifteen minutes, not by a long shot.

She asks all the guys individually if they would be cool with it if she kept Fox around and not beat the living shit out of him. They all wimp out and tell her that they will do as she asks. Methinks there’s a little bit of lying going on there, no? Tell her what she wants to hear than throw him to the coyotes.

If she lets that loser stay, no self respecting guy would want her so she does a complete turnaround and says that the old Daisy made bad relationship choice after bad relationship choice but a new Dasiy has arisen! The Gloria Steinem of VH1 is here!

So Betty Freidan asks Fox why he should stay and once he starts to talk again I hear a familiar drip, drip, drip sound, grab my earlobe only to find that more of my brains have escaped my head until she tells him to shut up and get the fuck out.

It’s a miracle! I already feel better and smarter! What a relief! I sooo didn’t want to end up in a catatonic state after watching this show. And I’m pretty sure that my insurance won’t cover that.

Here’s to Jenna wherever she is, I hope she made the right decision and kicked that loser out on his ass. But don’t worry, girl. You can still have sex with him only now you won’t have to listen to him speak!

I’m so relieved that I haven’t even thought about who’s going to go next. I’m going to guess Big Rig, unless somebody really, really messes up next week. Til then…

Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore