And he’s more of a wuss than ever!
We open on a friendly little gathering between Ellen and Katie in the Mustard-Colored Hotel Room of Secrets. Ellen, of course, immediately offers Katie a drink from her well-stocked bar, but Katie declines. Apparently, they’re going to go see a movie. Also apparently, no one ever told Katie that tights aren’t pants (where are you when we need you, Blair Waldorf?).
Burgeoning alcoholic Ellen mixes herself a big strong drink, which is probably a good idea because Katie immediately hands her the deposit for her and David’s old apartment. Way to get that right out there, Katie. Ellen looks a little stunned, but luckily the three layers of Rum haze surrounding her protects her from most of the emotional damage. “I thought that I’d go back there one last time,” Ellen says. Katie, showing a little decency for the first time since season one, episode one, advises against that. “It feels like that apartment’s all that I’ve got left of him,” Ellen says. Well, at least you have four tubes of extra-dark eyeliner and this fun, glowing new taste for revenge to fall back on now.
Credits: Ted Danson!! Yay!!
Another day, another Patty Hewes television appearance. This time she’s on Fox News to bash Walter Kendrick and UNR. “Arthur Frobisher has nothing on Walter Kendrick,” Patty tells the news lady, whose name I would know if I watched FOX News. She says that Kendrick and UNR have systematically ravished the environment. And the environment liked it. I mean, look at this guy:
*Actual Facebook profile photo
Then Patty continues to completely Pwn the interview, telling the news lady about Aracite and UNR’s efforts to hide the toxin from the public. She then brings up the report made by Daniel Purcell, saying that the only person to ever speak up against Aracite found his wife murdered.
“Miss Hewes, are you implying that Walter Kendrick is responsible for a murder?” The quick-on-the-uptake news lady asks. “Implying?” Patty responds with a Patty smile, “I hope that’s not what this sounds like, Greta. I’m stating it outright.”
“You see the secret, Greta, is to lather, rinse, then repeat. I know, so simple, right? Yet so true.”
Then we see Busty and Kendrick at the bar, discussing the Patty Hewes interview. Busty says they have to take Patty seriously – ever since Frobisher the public has been listening to her. “Arthur Frobisher is a narcissistic dipshit who stumbled his way into billions,” Kendrick says. I trust that Karma will provide retribution for that statement, sir.
Busty says they have to shut up Patty. Apparently their stock price fell after the interview. Busty wants to sue her for defamation, but Kendrick declines like a little bitch. His solution? “Ignore it til it goes away.” Genius. Who made this guy CEO again? “She accused you of murder,” Busty says.
7 WEEKS EARLIER flash. We see Kendrick answer his phone all shady-like in the backseat of a car. “Is everything taken car of?” He asks. The person on the other end is Freaky Darrell Hammond, being freaky and wearing white latex gloves in Daniel Purcell’s kitchen. He’s looking down at something. “Not yet,” he says. Kendrick gives him further instructions that we can’t hear. Wait – does that mean Christine may have been still alive??
Back to Kendrick in the bar. He has “I AM a murderer” shame in his eyes, but it doesn’t last very long.
Over at Hewes and Associates, Tommy is following Patty around the office and grilling her on her decision to accuse UNR of murder on national television. She tells him this makes it personal. She then asks Tommy for a complete background on Claire Maddox (that thing’s gonna be pretty long, especially if it focuses on all the time she spends ON her back…I’m sorry, that was terrible.)
And yet possibly justified, as we flash to Busty and Daniel Purcell in a hotel room. And I’m pretty sure they haven’t been playing Scategories all night. Or if that IS Scategories, then I’ve been playing it wrong…They, also, are discussing Patty Hewes. Purcell says she’s on a war path since he humiliated her in court. Can you blame her, dude? Busty is pissed that Daniel didn’t mention his history with Patty. By “history” I assume she means “That time you banged and then spawned an illegitimate child.”
“If I haven’t shared things with you, it’s for your own protection,” Purcell says, lamely. We’ve all heard that one, am I right, ladies? The old, “It’s not you, it’s me – I’m being followed by the CIA and we can never see each other again for your own protection,” line. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one…I’d have exactly $4.05, and I could probably use it to buy a Starbucks coffee right now.
*Singing* “Come see the softer side of Claire…” Is that still the catchline for Sears? That reminds me – I need a new washing machine. And also a garter belt.
Purcell asks when he can see Busty again. “I don’t think you will,” she replies. Burn! She says it’s gotten too complicated. Busty goes and kisses him goodbye. “That was the last time,” she says. Daniel Purcell, you have just been dumped, sucka.
Ellen’s working when she gets a phone call from Katie, who is at the police station after just having been mugged. At least we know they didn’t take her pants, since she’s been leaving those at home lately.
At the police station, Katie explains to a cop how she was robbed. Then she looks across the station and sees a tall cop with a mustache. Her face squinches up in thought. It looks like it hurts. Suddenly, she has a flashback to last season when Frobisher had her followed to get her to sign the confidentiality agreement. She confronted the man following her, and he was…Mustache Cop! Katie gets an “oh shit” expression on her face.
“OMG! The girlz are never gonna believe I saw the hot Jonas brother!” *Clicks, sends text, waits for soul to die.
Katie brings the information about the bad Mustache Cop to Ellen, who takes it promptly to Dee and Dum. Before we see her get into their car, Dum is on the phone again with his estranged wife. Man, after seeing him getting worked up over the phone every other episode, I really hope this subplot goes somewhere. If it turns out his ex-wife isn’t Busty’s evil twin sister, Lusty, I’m gonna be pissed.
It turns out the FBI are even more useless than we thought and they tell Ellen they can’t help her because Mustache Cop has nothing to do with the Patty Hewes investigation. “This is bullshit,” Ellen says. Looks like she’ll have to put on her investigation pants all by herself.
And who does she turn to? Patty Hewes. Ellen tells her about Mustache Cop and reminds her of the promise she made to let her use the firm’s resources to connect Frobisher to David’s murder. “My resources are your resources,” Patty says.
Then we see Mustache Cop telling Grizzly Murder Investigator, also known as Kurt, apparently, that Katie Connor saw him. Grizzly Kurt tells Mustache Cop to do nothing and keep his mouth shut.
We then cut to a scene where Dave, the straight-faced, purple tie man from Kendrick’s roast (seen here in a brown tie) is buying a Cadillac. With cash. The sales guy goes over the attributes of the car.
Now, I don’t want to be cynical and say that this scene is pure product placement, but…yeah. There would be no point in launching into a tirade about using plotlines to sell cars, especially since I’m watching this episode for free on the internet and we all know the production staff needs the money to get Glenn Close her double frappucinos somehow, so I’m just going to do the show a favor and help further its agenda by typing the word Cadillac seven times in a row.
Cadillac. Cadillac. Cadillac. Cadillac. Cadillac. Cadillac. Cadillac.
You’re welcome, show.
This is a Cadillac. It is awesome. Please address my royalty check to TVGasm World Headquarters in Mumbai. (I am not a whore. I am merely selling myself for bucket seats and a kickass navigation system. Oh wait, that is the literal definition of ‘whore?’ Hm.)
Later, the same shiny Cadillac pulls into a dark and mysterious alley in the rain. Dave gets out.
Then we see Ellen in Patty’s office. They’re talking about how the UNR merger doesn’t make sense and Kendrick overpaid. “Well if he overpaid he must have a way to make that money back,” Ellen says. Patty says they have to find out what that is. That was a nicely done bit of exposition, there.
Then we see Kendrick at an art gallery, looking at an abstract painting. He has his “thinking” face on. Dave sidles up next to him and Kendrick tells him that the merger is going through. Yay? Dave hands over the keys to the new Caddy. Then they proceed to make fun of the art they’re looking at. “This piece of shit is a waste of canvas,” Kendrick says. Kendrick prefers to paint through the canvas of life with chemical toxins and murder as his brushes. Metaphor!
Later Kendrick is in the lobby of the ballet with a blonde who I assume is his wife. She leaves him there and tells him not to smoke. As soon as she’s gone he pulls out a cigar. Sneaky! “Walt Kendrick!” We hear a voice says. And it’s….
Frobisher!!! He’s up and talking, beardless.
“Let me give you some advice about being the villain on this show. Does not end well.”
Frobisher makes embarrassing small talk. He says he could never get into ballet. “You think, what could go wrong with a pretty girl in a leotard? But that body type does nothing for me. I like them a little meatier.” Oh, Frobisher. Never change. Kendrick is not pleased with this conversation. ‘You are a douche,’ is written all over his face. He tells Frobisher he likes the ballet. Oh. Awkward.
Frobisher congratulates Kendrick on his merger. Then he brings up Patty Hewes and her recent mudslinging television appearance. Only Frobisher used a different term than “mud.” I will not repeat it here, because I am a lady. (It was ‘shit.’) “Well, take this from me,” Frob says. He then tells Kendrick not to engage Patty. “You step into the ring with that woman and she will cut your balls off and jam them down your throat.” Fun. Frobisher walks away and Kendrick gets out his phone. “Claire it’s me. Sue the bitch,” he says, walking away.
But that’s the opposite of what Frobisher advised!
Tommy is filling Patty in on Busty’s illustrious background. She’s spent the last 18 years at UNR “kicking ass,” Tommy says. Also busting balls, professionally. “Kendrick championed Maddox. He took her under his wing.” His wing? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
“That’s not all. There’s rumors,” Tommy says. He’s been reading his Gossip Girl messages, and girl, you will not believe what they say about Busty. Prepare to be stunned.
“The relationship between Kendrick and Maddox is less than professional.” Oh. Well, duh. Geez, Tommy, my 9-year-old sister could have probably filled you in on that.
Just then a very quaffed young man walks into the office and supplies Patty with papers. He’s all, “YOU’VE BEEN SERVED, BITCH!” Only less aggressive and 50 percent more gay. Turns out UNR is suing Patty for 200 million dollars.
In a much more depressing scene, Ellen walks into her old apartment, which is covered in boxes. She wanders around sad, aimless and way too skinny. We know the girl’s been throwing back the bottle, but has she eaten at all since last season? Ellen continues to have sad flashbacks to happy days with He of The Floppy Hair. Then she sees the bathroom and has flashbacks to dead, bloody-in-the-bathtub Floppy Hair.
Ellen shuts the bathroom door and when she turns around the president of the co-op board is standing creepily in her apartment. He has a package that came for her. Ellen pulls out a wrapped, girly-looking box. Must be from Floppy Hair. And, yup, she reads the note – “When the Frobisher case is over, I’m taking you away somewhere with palm trees. I love you. Always, David.” Wow, that’s got to be a kick to the ole’ emotional nut sack. I wouldn’t blame Ellen for taking a fifth of Jack Daniels out of her purse at this moment.
Tommy is defending Patty against Busty and Kendrick while a judge presides. Busty says there’s no way Patty can prove that Kendrick killed Christine Purcell. Point, Busty. Patty stays icily quiet while Tommy backs her up. “The man who was arrested for Christine Purcell’s murder, Kevin Walker, was killed in prison,” Tommy says. Point, Tommy. Speaking of – and this applies to later in the episode too – you want to know what’s not a good way to cover up a murder? Another murder. Cuz then you’ll have to cover up that murder, and the next, and…it’s just a vicious cycle of murder, really, and it’s eating up all of the show’s guest stars.
The mediator tries to push for a settlement. “I think Mr. Shays should consider this,” Busty says. “If he can’t prove my client is responsible, the jury is going to ram a 200 million dollar bill up his client’s ass.” Patty smiles. She and Kendrick stare each other down. It is awesome.
Later, a chipper Patty shares dinner with Ellen at the office. Ellen, or course assumes her signature pose:
“No noodles, thanks. I’ve got all the nutrients I need right here.”
The two women eat takeout and chat about boys. Which means that Ellen nostalgically brings up how her dead fiancÃ© used to cook for her, and Patty mentions that Phil’s out of town (in London??) Girls, girls, if there’s one thing I learned from the cinema this weekend, it’s that if he’s sleeping with some trashy girl named after a British metropolis, and if he’s not returning your calls from beyond the grave, He’s Just Not That Into You.
The women then talk about what Kendrick might be up to. Which is convenient, because we next see a large black car pull up in front of Freaky Darrell and who else should roll down the window but Dirty Old Man Kendrick himself. He tells Freaky Darrell to use the keys (to the Cadillac?) and hands him a slip of paper with what looks like navigation points on it. Either that, or it’s his birthday – 11.12.02. So Kendrick’s a Scorpio?? That explains so much.
Katie and Ellen are walking and chatting in outside Manhattan, discussing the Mustache Cop situation. Then Ellen tells Katie that she went back to the apartment. She tells her about the package, which she hasn’t opened yet. It was a wedding present. Ellen pulls it out. She carries it with her? That’s a little damaged.
Then we cut to Busty and Kendrick, also walking and talking. Busty tells Kendrick that Patty’s real goal may be to drive the stock prices down so that she can file a lawsuit on behalf of one of the company’s shareholders. You’re always one step behind, Busty. Kendrick doesn’t believe one of his shareholders will follow Patty. Busty still thinks they should settle the defamation suit before Patty finds a willing plaintive. Kendrick, dumbly, is all “no, she picked this fight.” Dumbass.
Busty takes him aside and tries to convince him to neutralize the situation. “Walt, everyone’s got dirty laundry. Do you really want Patty Hewes going through yours?” If she did, this is probably what she would find:
Yes, this photo bore reposting
Kendrick thinks about this.
Elsewhere, Katie is hanging out outside of the International Affairs Bureau. She heads inside and we can see Grizzly Kurt, the baddest of bad cops, watching her from a parked car.
4 MONTHS LATER. Grizzly Kurt is again in a parked car, this time watching Ellen as she goes into her hotel. He goes inside the hotel and walks down Ellen’s creepy hall. He stops at room 1910. He’s holding a room key.
Back in the present tense, we’re at a fancy restaurant with Kendrick and a few friends. Busty makes an appearance and takes a seat next to a gentleman named Mitch. Kendrick introduces them. I smell a set-up! Only of the blind date, and not of the secret murder, variety.
They share rich white dude anecdotes and Busty slays Mitch with her witty comebacks. Also probably with her DD’s. A hot waiter puts down a Manhattan in front of Mitch. “I ordered an Old Fashioned,” Mitch says, dickishly. There’s a reason everyone should work in foodservice at least once in their life. “He ordered an Old Fashioned,” Busty says firmly. The waiter takes the drink.
Busty and Kendrick go to talk privately at the bar. “I’d have worn a shorter skirt if I knew I was getting pimped out,” Busty says. Ha. I kind of like Busty. Busty says she’ll give Mitch a chance if Kendrick gives her an answer about the settlement. “Okay, settle,” Kendrick says. That was…anticlimactic.
At Ellen’s place, Katie tells Ellen that she filed a complaint against Mustache Cop. Ellen thinks trusting the police is a bad idea. Ellen brings up all the information she’s gathered on Mustache Cop, aka Elliot Tolkein. She says someone in the department is protecting him. Ellen says Patty’s the only one who can help trace him to Frobisher.
“What is it with you and that woman?” Katie asks, bitchily. “All I know is that if you had never met Patty, my brother would still be alive.” Whoa. Not entirely incorrect, but whoa. Ellen says she spends enough time blaming herself for what happened. “Do you? Really?” Katie asks. Someone needs to smack this girl. I would recommend Ellen, but she might break her arm in half. The two start hard-core arguing. “There are bigger things going on here, things that you wouldn’t understand,” Ellen says. These things involve wire taps and lots and lots of vodka.
“You’ve got a pretty shaky track records of your life decisions, so please just let me handle this,” Ellen says. Oh no she didn’t! Katie storms off.
Then we flash to Busty, once again playing with her garter socks. This time the man who walks up behind her is…the hot waiter, all half naked! You go on wit yo bad self, Busty. The hot waiter asks if he can put on some music. “What do you like?” “I like silence,” Busty responds. She goes outside to smoke a cigarette alone. Point, Busty. She is the clear winner of this entire episode.
A Cadillac blares to life in a rainy back alley (again). Freaky Darrell gets inside and enters the coordinates into the navigation system. Cadillac!
The settlement. Tommy and Busty argue about numbers, until they finally decide on 5 million to Kendrick’s favorite charity. “What is the charity?” Patty asks. “The NRA,” Busty says, not missing a beat. Haha. Kendrick laughs. “She’s kidding. It’s Environment First, a local West Virginia association.” Now that’s really funny.
Walking out, Patty is triumphant. “The only reason they settled was to stop their stock price from hemorrhaging before we could find a plaintive.” “Too late,” Tommy says. Huhhhhh?
Kendrick and Busty, also triumphant, are walking out of the courtroom when our favorite errand boy gives them with a paper, delivering his same line – “YOU’VE BEEN SERVED.” That must be the best job ever.
It’s lawsuit. Patty Hewes is suing UNR on behalf of a major shareholder. “Who?” Kendrick asks. Yes, who indeed.
We flash to Patty, in her office. “Thank you for your discretion,” she says. And the individual she’s talking to is…FROBISHER! No way. “I didn’t want my associates to know we’re working together yet.” My brain just leaked out of my ear a little.
Apparently the meeting in the ballet as a set up designed to push Kendrick to the edge. Frobisher says he’ll be her plaintive, but they’re not friends. “I don’t like you,” he says. Really? Whatever for?
Ellen’s in her room, leaving Katie an apologetic voicemail. She walks up to the mystery box, still unopened, when her phone rings. It’s Patty.
The two meet up and Patty tells her she found a UNR shareholder to sue the company. Funny how she doesn’t mention who it is. Patty also brings up Katie, and says hopefully Mustache Cop will lead back to Frobisher. Oh what a twisted web we weave…
Grizzly Kurt is once again meeting secretly with Mustache Cop. They discuss the complaint. “We need to do what we should have done a long time ago,” Grizzly Kurt says. Mustache Cop seems on board. That is, until Grizzly Kurt pulls out a gun and pops him twice in the chest. Murder doesn’t pay, kids.
We then flash back to David’s murder, and see that Mustache Cop was Grizzly Kurt’s accomplice. He was the one who held David while Grizzly Kurt picked up the Statue of Liberty figurine…okay, now I feel kind of less bad about his just getting shot.
4 MONTHS LATER. Grizzly Kurt enters Ellen’s room. She’s singing in the shower. “Wes, is that you?” She calls out. Grizzly Kurt moves in, picks up his silencer and attaches it to the gun…
Until next week, when we find out that Frobisher is really Ellen’s long-lost biological father! Probably.